I Knew It Was Cursed

I knew it was morning. I knew I had to tear my eyes open no matter how hard I tried to keep them shut. The flesh of my lids stung, and itched from those rays of sunshine that were peeking through the widely opened curtains. Something moved behind me - rather someone shuffled behind me beneath the duvet that had kept me shrouded till now. And there you were, your presence draped around me as you pulled me into your arms, while I writhed and throttled in the misery of imperishably belonging to a curse that you called love.

I walked into our room, with your favorite classic novel in my hands when I couldn't avert my gaze from the wall resting adjacently from me, and an accursed memory gripped me. And I knew it was cursed, it was cursed the moment you laced your fingers with mine that day, and dragged me upstairs right into this room. I knew it was cursed the instant you pushed me back with your arms and pinned me to the wall that had the photograph of us resting on it and demanding the affirmation of my fidelity to you. It was cursed, the moment you questioned the love that I had preserved in my heart for you. And I also had known, that it was cursed when I started pondering about the countless ways to prove my love to you rather than breaking away from the confinements of your arms forcefully with nothing but anguish.

I brought my knees together, as I skimmed through the chapters of the novel. A rectangular box, draped in a baby pink wrapping paper sitting at the base of the couch caught my eyes. And my mind went back tumbling to the night of my birthday, vividly enlivening the memory of that night right behind my lids. And I knew it was cursed, the moment you snaked your arms around my waist and brushed your lips grimly across mine, only to stake a claim on my love for you in front of those friends of mine who were just trying to make my day special when you couldn't. It was cursed, every time you looked at me under scrutiny whenever I talked or laughed with my friends and colleagues. And I also had known, that it was cursed when I distanced myself from those very friends of mine rather than living up to their friendships.

I trod down the stairs into the kitchen, when the crumpled gift box was still lying in the trashcan like those scraps of shattered trust and faith that no longer existed between us. I remembered coming through the front door, with that gift hidden in my hands, when you rushed down the stairs with lividity emanating from you. And I knew it was cursed, the moment you pointed that finger on me, on my love for you and throwing allegations of perfidy at my face. I knew it was cursed, when I begged and explained to you that I had only gone to buy a gift for you while you threatened to leave me right then and there rather than rending myself away from you and turning my back on you.

I twisted the knob of the cupboard, rummaging through the dresses when my fingers ran across that plaided black dress- the one that you used to love. And my eyes automatically shut themselves tightly when a memory recurred itself once again right inside my head. I knew it was cursed, when you snatched that plaided black dress right out of my hands because you thought it would be too revealing to be worn on the day of our first anniversary; because you believed it would be provocative for the eyes of any stranger. It was cursed, when I laughed at your words and protectiveness, and changed into a more simpler dress rather than standing up for the right of my individuality and vocalizing my own notions.

I rested my head against the headrest of our bed, while clenching my fingers around my cellphone. And, once again a fleeting memory captured my mind. I knew it was cursed, when I had caught you with my phone between your fingers with traces of apprehension painted across your face. And I also had known, that it was cursed when I propped onto my heels and placed a gentle peck on your forehead, rather than opposing and questioning that action of yours.

I bent down, picking up the shards of the vase from the cold marbled floor. A drop of blood tricked down my finger when one of them pricked me. Was there any way I could restrain my mind from playing back the memory that pierced my soul just like the that shard of the vase? I knew I was late, even though it was only for thirty minutes. I hastened up the stairs, rushing to you, when you hurled that vase across the room smashing it into innumerous pieces. I knew it was cursed, the moment your gaze met mine. It was cursed the moment you put your arms around me a bit too tightly and asking me curtly the reason behind my delay. It was cursed, when I embraced you and started justifying myself rather than getting out of the pit of questions and doubts that had made a permanent place in your mind for me.

I glanced at the bed of ours, remembering how you had slept beside me that night, clutching me tightly to your chest, depriving me of the space to breathe or to move; only because you were afraid that I would leave you stealthily in the middle of the night, breaking your heart. And I knew it was cursed, when I never made an attempt to get out of those cages of ceaseless questions and doubts that you had put around me.

I knew it was cursed, the moment you bounded me by a bane that you thought to be love. I knew it was cursed, when I let you fence me within those suspicion and dubiety of yours. I knew it was cursed, the love of ours was cursed the moment I started to fear your presence; the moment I started giving away my share of freedom and independence to you as the price of your love. I knew it was cursed, yet I loved you.

Yet, I let you question the love that I always had for you. Yet, I let you demean me every time suspicion clouded the love that dwelled in every chamber of your heart for me. Yet, I let you leave scars of pain and bitterness on my skin and soul every time you touched me with nothing but doubts and distrust. Yet, I let you pierce searing holes on my heart every time you loved me with nothing but questions. Yet, I let you taint my mind with emptiness and self-doubts every time you said you loved me with a voice filled with nothing but hesitation. Yet, I let you fill the nooks of my heart with the perpetual fear of losing your love every time you looked into my eyes with incertitude and suspicion. I knew it was cursed, yet I let you crumble my heart under the weight of your incessant queries and doubts. Yet, I let you shatter my soul with the harsh words of yours every time you threw insults and questions at me.

Yet, I loved you while you kept dragging me in that unfathomable pit filled with a poison called suspicion. Yet, I loved you while the clot of doubts kept on growing in your mind, slowly replacing the love that you had for me with nothing but suspicion. Yet, I loved you while the suspicion of yours annihilated the love that had once formed us.

And today, despite knowing that it was cursed, I knew I was forever blemished with this curse of loving you so deeply, so irrevocably, that all I have left now is the shadow of perennial emptiness and darkness looming over me every day, every second of my life. Despite knowing it was cursed, I couldn't bring myself to break away from you, and from that abyss of suspicion and mistrust. Despite knowing it was cursed, I still found myself loving you, swallowing every pain that you have afflicted by your constant dubiousness.

I pinned my gaze on the photograph of ours, with a mug of coffee in my hands when the gloss of the ring dormant on my left finger itched my eyes, reminding me of the unremitting doubts and questions that have now scarred every fibre of my being. I drew the blinds in when the door creaked open, erupting shivers down my spine. Your presence hit me, sharply like those questions of yours; you slipped your arms around me, putting a soft kiss on my hair. I turned around and looked into your eyes with a putrefying hope to find the love in those brown orbs of yours but I couldn't. All I found, was the curse of suspicion lurking in them.

And once again, I knew it was cursed, when I could already see those questions and doubts forming in your mind through your eyes without drowning in them anymore. I could see the bottomless pit of suspicion rising up around me, surrounding me and engulfing me once again obliterating any way to escape from the curse that you called love. 

"Hey.. I love you.. " you whispered in a voice laced with nothing but incertitude, while my battered soul ached to be freed from this love of yours that was nothing but accursed, but my heart still beats for this cursed love of yours.