I Don't Love You Anymore!

How could it have happened? How could I not know my feelings anymore? Is it all temporary or did it start long back? Was it that I lost interest in you? Or is it that am overthinking this too much?

The harder I think none of these questions make sense. Then why on Earth am I not feeling anything? Why am being like this? Why am making you suffer with me? Yes, I remember I had told you my love would never bind you but I don’t know how much of this is true. Could it happen you are waiting for me after all the promises I made? Is it possible you still love me when am messed up with my emotions which were perhaps never even there?

Am I giving you false hopes? Am I keeping myself in the delusion that ‘I love you? When I am not sure about my feelings anymore. What am I even up to?

As I sit back on my desk fumbling through my unresolved questions, I try hard to recall what it felt when I used to say those words to you? I even stare in the void and am searching for an answer. Maybe I could get it? We said we are each other’s mirror but am afraid I can’t view me in you again. Am afraid without even my saying anything you would be able to see beneath my little betrayer heart that once had feelings for you. 

It’s long that I have been pretending I can go through this, it all will be okay after few years I keep on repeating these senseless words I don’t know how many times? Every time I watch a couple of movies it doesn’t excite me anymore not that the movie isn’t good, it could be am not in the mood of watching it I sympathize in saying this to myself. Helpless I am.

God knows how I went for Romance Genre, how it started, and how it became a part of me. It’s all unnoticed, maybe had happened in the past. Apart from it, I can’t even imagine what will I write? It’s all a lie, perhaps. 

I wonder how could I connect with those love songs when my love life is at stake or shall I say it never started. But what were those explosions of emotions every time I thought of you? Were they vague just like me? Did I never ever felt anything for you?

I don’t know why this is happening? How am I supposed to react and above all what would I say to you? Simply that I don’t love you anymore? And am sorry I did this to you? Am I even guilty? Hell yes, then why am I not feeling it? Why tears haven’t rolled down my cheeks yet?

What now? Am I even alive? If yes then I should be sad knowing I have hurt you. I should slap myself for keeping you in dilemma? I should throw myself up in the trash for letting this happen to you, to us. But you know everything I think I want to feel it too! I am sorry I want to be from the core of my heart. I am guilty I want to be the most restless person on this planet.

I keep on asking myself when did I drench myself so much? I ask myself how I could get emotionless just like that. Is it too easy to forget someone whom you considered your soulmate? Maybe yes for those who never cherished them. Maybe for them, it is easy to have vague feelings without thinking about it twice. Maybe for a person like me, it’s as easy to say I love you as to say sorry I don’t love you anymore.

It’s true that I don’t understand the value of love, and it’s also true that I don’t know if I will ever fall in love with anyone. Am heading towards a heart that works just like an organ. Or is it that am too weak to handle it so that’s why am trying to run away? I don’t know how much more feeling less I would become in my recent future, and once again I let myself hanging with these unframed questions which have blocked up all my senses.