Duty/Burden

The darkness of night spreads in all directions and no sound can be heard in the dead silent blackness. The wind is nonexistent, and everything is still around and inside this time-worn little house which is positioned between the cremation ground on one side and cemetery on another and which is neither sturdy nor fragile enough to crumble into tiny fragments, though merely a hurried glimpse of this house manifests its weakness and hauntedness. A faint light is lit inside the house and Bindu, a petite widow in her late fifties with a dark and gloomy face, is looking absently outside the window as if expecting someone’s arrival. It is a chilly night yet Bindu does not attempt to arrange something to warm herself; no light, no food, no warmness; only coldness in the atmosphere and inside her senile body. One of the two rooms of this house is locked firmly and situated far from the entrance door. The clock ticks eight and Bindu alternately looks at the clock and the locked room. Suddenly the sound of wolf’s howling and owl’s shrieking can be heard and a chilly breeze starts blowing pretty rapidly which pierces Bindu’s already shuddering cold body like arrows. However, she does not close the window, allowing it to enter the cold house and make it more lifeless and chillier.

Bindu walks towards the locked room with a key in her right palm. She stops in front of its door and remains standing there as if debating whether to open it or not. After more than half an hour, she opens the door slowly and peeps inside then enters the room where on a wooden bed her favourite child, a girl in her early twenties, her youngest and only daughter, and also a living symbol of Bindu’s dead soul, Vidhi, lies in the dark room. Bindu switches on the light and pensively glances at Vidhi, her glance is not gleeful nor pitiful rather it is contemptuous. Bindu sits beside Vidhi’s bed in her rocking chair and Vidhi slightly moves her eyes. An unsettling silence fills the room for a while then Bindu proceeds to open the closed window. Both cremation ground and cemetery are visible through this window and a horrid desire arouses in Bindu’s psyche and she expects the most anticipated day to come quickly when she visits either cremation ground or cemetery with Vidhi’s corpse. Out of the blue, Bindu’s phone rings and she walks outside to answer the quotidian routine call from her eldest son.

Bindu: Hello.

Eldest Son: Hello, mommy. How is Vidhi doing? 

Bindu: As usual.

Eldest Son: And you?

 

  A brief silence. Bindu becomes uncomfortable not knowing 

how to respond to this simple yet complex question.

Eldest Son: Hello? 

Bindu: Yes, I am tired.

Eldest Son: Alright, then you should rest early.

                                                       He disconnects the call and Bindu absently looks

                                                                                             at the phone intending to utter that she is tired of 

taking care of Vidhi. Bindu again watches the 

cremation ground and cemetery through the window.

 

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It was a warm sunny day and Bindu, mother of two sons and a daughter, was getting ready to watch Vidhi’s running race of 2000 metres when her second son arrived with the best news that he got selected in a prestigious university, his dream university. Her first son, too, shared great news that he would join a company in the US next month. They were pretty ecstatic and Bindu thought it was the best day of her life, unaware of the fact that it would turn into the worst day, into a nightmare, a day she would always curse. Together they went to watch Vidhi’s race hoping that she would secure the first spot this time too. Her coach was also anticipating this day because if she won, she would be qualified to compete nationally. The race commenced and the eyes of Vidhi’s family, coach and friends were fixed on the running Vidhi when Vidhi abruptly collapsed on the track and could not stand up. After the race ended, Vidhi stood up with the assistance of her brothers and her leg movements were restored. From that cursed day, Vidhi sensed changes in her body movements, sudden cessation of limb movements became too frequent and, ultimately, she visited a neurologist in her region with her brothers and apprehensively he advised them to see a better neurologist who could run other tests to confirm the disease. They were shocked beyond words and did not probe further. While they were waiting for the results in a renowned hospital, the neurologist got the vicious result and called them inside his office.

Neurologist: I just got the result.

Pause. The neurologist showed an envelope in his hand. 

Neither the neurologist intended

to evince its contents nor Vidhi wished to know it.

Vidhi’s first brother (hesitatingly): What is wrong with our Vidhi? 

Neurologist: She has Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, ALS in short. 

Second brother (confusedly): What?

                                     A grim and disturbing silence settled on the hospital room 

                                                           after the neurologist explained ALS.

They stopped in front of their house unwilling to ring the doorbell as none of them knew how to inform Bindu about ALS. Bindu saw her children standing outside the door with melancholic looks on their faces and opened the door hastily. After a brief while, her children broke the ice and divulged about Vidhi’s disease. Bindu almost fainted and tearfully looked at Vidhi who was unsuccessfully trying to appear brave. That day none of them ate anything in their house, each of them spent a long time knowing about ALS, and the mourning ambience of the house grappled them. Each of them had their own worries because their plans would be highly affected after this diagnosis. Vidhi’s plan to become an international champion crumbled down, her first brother would certainly join his dream company in the US but a significant part of his salary would be used for his sister’s treatment, and her second brother would take up a part-time job to support the family and his university life would negatively be influenced. Bindu had the greatest worry as her plan to spend her coming days as per her wishes failed. Once again Bindu would serve and take care of her children. In the past, she discontinued her studies to serve her seriously ill father, after her wedding she served her better half, after his demise she served her children, and, now, when they were all grown up, she would again serve her sick daughter. Vidhi who once used to be her favourite daughter was now a symbol and reminder of bondage, freedom-less life for Bindu. Once again Bindu was not allowed to spend her aged days without serving anyone. She was always denied the life she wished and fated for a soulless existence.

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The scorching heat of brightly shinning sun became unbearable, and it adversely influenced the mental and physical being of Bindu. Her relaxation was also swept away with continuous perspiration and exhaustion. Within a month after Vidhi’s diagnosis was revealed, Bindu’s first son left for the US and her second son for university to pursue his higher studies. Vidhi completed her schooling with the help of her friends, classmates and teachers. Initially, her coach sometimes visited her to console her but after a while, he stopped visiting her as he got busy training other students. Vidhi watched races on television and travelled from her home to hospitals frequently. When Vidhi’s condition started deteriorating, Bindu phoned her sons and expressed her inability to handle Vidhi both emotionally and physically alone.

First son: Come on Mommy. You know I cannot take leave and I am also sending money home. You just look after her.

Second son: Yes, mother. You know I have graduated from university and I have to look for a job to bear her medical expenses. I cannot return home right now. I think you should hire a nurse if you cannot handle her alone.

Bindu: No, I will never hire a nurse. I do not trust outsiders. If both of you cannot come instantaneously, I will manage somehow for now. But try to visit as soon as you get a leave.

Both sons: Yes Mommy. Rest assured.

A short silence. They were looking for words

to continue the conversation.

First son: Mommy you have suffered a lot and you never lived a single day of your life for yourself. When Vidhi leaves us, I will bring you here to live with me, in a different place, in a different environment.

Second son: Not at all. Mommy will live with me and travel to different places.

Bindu: We will see that when the time comes. For now, just take good care of yourselves.

After talking to her sons, Bindu took Vidhi out in a wheelchair for a walk in the adjacent park. While Vidhi fixed her gaze on running and jumping kids, Bindu’s gaze was focused on a childless elderly couple. They lived for themselves, with no bondage, no worry, and no children; they earned money for themselves, they spent money on themselves; they planned to visit and had already visited many pilgrimage sites; no need to save money for the future. What a rapturous life! Vidhi had already beseeched her attending neurologist to discontinue her treatments when her condition became too critical as she intended to die a graceful death in her home. Bindu had secretly cried myriad times about the cruel fate and pitiable emotional and physical condition of her dearest daughter. After some months, Vidhi stopped crying because crying would never cure this incurable disease but her crying would definitely affect the emotional and mental state of her mother. Some of their neighbours were seriously concerned about their condition while some were pleased with this unpleasant development. As days and months passed, Vidhi became emotionally indifferent and neutral partly because of her unfulfilled dream and partly because of the immobility of her limbs. She became synonymous with a dead person with the only exception of her living soul, her breath; signs of her still being alive.

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The withered fallen leaves on ground signified fallen hopes, expectations, and desires of Bindu. As autumn breeze winnowed Bindu’s half grey tresses and caressed her warm cheeks, she deeply submerged in her thoughts. Bindu had always fulfilled her obligations without any protest because she always hoped that at least in her old days she would be taken care of, she would spend her remaining days the way she wished, and she would travel to different places. However, the shocking diagnosis of her beloved daughter drastically changed her plans. She was left all alone to take care of her daughter. Though she always wished to live alone, this kind of existence is rather lonely. Her sons just help her financially and relieve her financial burden but what about her mental and physical tiredness? She did not remember when her love and care for her daughter turned into hatred and contempt so much so that she started to anticipate and even wished for the day of her daughter’s death. She often retrospectively reflected on her thoughts and wishes and questioned whether she was a bad mother who wished for and even eagerly waited for her beloved daughter’s demise. No parent in the world would ever desire to see their child dead. This Vidhi was the same Vidhi who won medals in sports, who always secured first place, who wanted to become famous and appear on television, and who helped her in household chores. How could she wish to see her dead?

Bindu condemned herself for thinking like this and got herself occupied in work. But the devilish thoughts came to her mind now and then. From the last year these thoughts became more frequent and the visits of her sons less frequent. Gradually, Bindu, too, became emotionally indifferent and considered Vidhi’s condition as the result of her vicious thoughts. People admired Bindu for her unconditional love and care towards her husband and children. Their praises became unbearable for Bindu, and she shifted with Vidhi in a faraway and isolated house. There were no neighbours, no useless noises; only mourning vibes and surroundings. Bindu became strangely interested in cremation grounds and cemeteries and developed a liking for her new house. She did not have to take Vidhi to hospitals for treatments and checkups and now Vidhi, Bindu and her sons were just waiting for the fateful day.

The dawn of winter comes and with it Bindu’s coldness towards Vidhi increases and her manifestation of the same increases too. Bindu often checks on Vidhi to see if she is alive and just steps inside her room twice or thrice a day. Lately, she locks the door of Vidhi’s room as if locking her door will lock her fate. She starts having thoughts of ending everybody’s suffering and it will only be possible with the death of Vidhi. What if she kills her? No. Vidhi is already synonymous with a corpse she will definitely die soon. No need for Bindu to become a murderer. But Vidhi is not dead yet; she is still alive. How long will Bindu wait? The stream of her thoughts is interrupted by the visit of the doctor. After the doctor’s departure, Bindu strides towards her room and takes out a small box inside which she kept the bottle of poison. She hesitatingly observes it and proceeds towards Vidhi’s room. She stands next to Vidhi’s bed but before she can execute her murderous plan, she senses something strange. She becomes cognizant that she is alone; Vidhi has left her. The most anticipated day has come. She immediately rings the doctor, and he confirms Vidhi’s death.

Bindu is sad but satisfied that the painful life of her beloved daughter ended and now she will be free of all pains and sufferings. Now, Bindu, too, can travel to different places and live the way she wants, with no obligations to fulfil, no bondage, and no restriction. After more than an hour, she called her sons and informed them about their sister’s demise.

Bindu: I think now I can come there to live with you. 

First son: It is not possible Mommy. I am quite busy.

Second son: You already know I have joined a new company and do not have time even for myself. 

                                                                                                                            A long pause.

Bindu: Well, this house is not bad either. I am contended here. I like this place. I will live here. 

First son: No, mommy. It is not safe. I think you should move to an old age home.

Second son: And we will sell that house. 

Bindu: But…

First son: Then it is settled. Mommy will live at an old age home, and we will sell that house. 

Second Son: Yes, I agree.

They disconnect the call but Bindu still silently looks 

at the phone in her hand to voice her thoughts. Suddenly

her gaze fixes on the bottle of poison.

 

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