Died

I am not alive anymore.

I remember positioning my hands on the steering wheel in a ten-and-two structure when I perceived the high-pitched blaring of a carrier, drowning out the upbeat pop music. Time halted while my heart only raced, it being the only thing I could make out. My car stopped and the weight of near guilt had vanished when I realised it was only the calm before the storm. Eyes wide, teeth chattering, body numb yet filled with a great amount of pain. My wide eyes never closed and my body remained numb, as my mind felt the chaos. The storm settled and my vision blacked out.

It's been two months since the accident and these two months, I have spent in dreamland. My brain barely worked in my two-month coma. I could make out their voice and every raw emotion that came along with it. However, nothing came after a month. They said they loved me as they brushed the hair out of my lifeless face so why didn't I sense the comforting climate after a month? No, it must be mind playing with me.

Catching sight of an artificial ceiling after one thinks they've died isn't exactly fathomable. My eyes adjust to the bright lights, making my vision staggered and unsteady when I notice the uncomfortable garment wrapped around my body. The seam itches against my back but the inconvenience is replaced with satisfaction. I can, at last, see them. Yes, I spent the last month of my slumber in the dark void that is my mind, all alone, but I can find them and clear my doubts now. They'll tell me they love me, they'll brush the hair out my face to reveal my heart-eyes for them.

I am alive.

I get discharged today. I wonder where they have been the past week I have been awake. Maybe they're planning a surprise for me. I do not care, as long as I get to see them.

Catching sight of someone one loves with another isn't exactly lovely. My eyes can't seem to adjust to the sight of them with another, due to the tears making my vision blurry. Their lips meet as mine burn in rejection. Their eyes close as mine only get wider by the second. Their kiss dissolves into giggles as my sentiments dissolve into soft sniffles. Their love blossoms as mine rots. My body fills with agony.

I now wish I had stayed in my dreamland when I realise they were my dreamland. I could have been asleep all my life as the dark void, that is my mind, follows me with every step I take. I am left alone with my notions once again and I can't do a thing about it. I was in a coma and I feel as if I still am, except now, I am forced to experience my intrusive thoughts in materiality. The glimmer of hope I once held on to flew away, just like them. The piece of them I held onto flew away and I am left with my arm to wave goodbye that is weighed down by guilt. Had I not taken a car this wouldn't have happened. They were bound to leave, yet I stayed. And I will for eternity. They will be treated better and I will spend life in bittersweet misery. They never planned a surprise for me yet I was surprised. I do not care, as long as they're happy.

I am alive yet every purpose to keep me going has died.