Dear Ma

Today class XII^th results were announced and I didn’t perform well. I am really sorry about that, I really don’t know what else to say now, I scored a decent percentage in class X^th, my bar was set high and I could not deliver. I know you will be infuriated and sad at the same time about this. I owe an apology to you and I know it. I am your culprit. I will deserve the punishment but I want to open to you about the things that went on in my life since these last two years that will highlight my mistakes for one last time because it won’t matter after some minutes.

The fault was in my perception of the world, it is not all flowers here, rather thorns outnumber them by a great margin, I was in a great circle of friends in class X^th friends one would strive for, it felt a surreal feeling having friends like I had. I felt inferior in front of them at times but they were supportive every to me and helped me at every step in academics so it was not at all any bitter feelings. Things changed, streams changed, humans changed, class changed. As I enter class XI^th, I met new friends, new subjects, new enthusiasm, new life to ponder upon, there was no turning back now but as I guess life had different plans for me or I never understood that friendship is just using someone with a smile on face. People used me and then ignored my existence for the most part, this change was a big enough blow for a girl who was mostly in question about herself and sought validation in every eye she met.

Amid all of this my first relationship started, the best phase of my life. I was on my first high despite self-questioning due to the friends being like this and blaming some fault me. But that high crashed when my result came. Due to my relationship I never took study seriously, he was my first priority, I regret it now (and will do justice to this mistake) but at that time it didn’t make much difference to me. I was in love with that boy, I forgot my identity, I was not Reena rather I was HIS Reena. Now I look back in remorse because many people were rightfully judging me on my marks. I am sorry ma when you told me to study, I used to think about him and text with him. I am sorry ma, when my marks came low, I saw myself inferior to others again and gave up completely instead of trying. My high was properly crashed when final paper of XI^th came.

For some unknown reason the reason of my life broke up with me. My life took a 360 turn, you too were worried for my health but it was an unexpected feeling and I could not tell you this back then. I was numb from the core of my heart, my hands shivered thinking of how could all of this be possible. All of a sudden, my whole life shrunk to one single point, nothingness. I am sorry that time I even tried to take my life (but with hindsight I should have done it, at least it would result in this devastating result), how can the one whom I trusted and loved the most do this to me? My so called best friend ignored me like I never existed in her life so did all other friends, they all were in their perfect lives and didn’t want a negative hopeless person like me at all. I needed support, I was aimless, numb, hopeless. I didn’t get the courage to get up and move on. Everyone left me because they thought I deserved it. Deep down even I started to believe it. Maybe I was indeed bad and deserved it.

With a heavy heart, XII^th started. I used to talk with him, he was not bad, he never provided me with a reason but he didn’t even leave me. I was still low but never showed it to anyone, and by anyone I mean to him as I still took approval for happiness from his eyes. It all was good until the sad day of the school trip. I thought for the last time, we will enjoy together. But I was not as important to him as he was to me. I constantly tried to tell him that he is mine, which he smelled and smashed me with the reality that he is not and he doesn’t care. I couldn’t meet myself from that day. It was rock bottom.

I can’t understand how I stooped down to this level. I was in a world of my own failure, I couldn’t even meet my low self-esteem from that day. He rightfully went away, and everything else went away like as he was everything to me. I accepted myself and tried to forget all this through drinking and smoking (Sorry for this but now it does not matter), didn’t help. I was still crying for him. My body wanted him but my heart wanted to see him happy. So, I decided to stay out of it. As time passed, everything started to decline, my mental health took a toll. There was no one to guide me, I was not comfortable to talk to you about this. My friends were never mine it seems, they left me in loneliness and just came when they needed to have someone by their side. I had never hurt someone then why would people do this to me I still don’t understand (but now I guess it’s not even worth to think). By the time I could regain myself, XII^th exams were in the ballpark and I was not at all ready for that. Everything was heavy on me and the expectations were icing on the cake of destruction. I should have talked to someone about all of this, I should have taken studies seriously. I am waste of this space Ma. I know this.

I know I am not the best person for my sister to look for. I know I am a burden on your life. I know my future is not bright or even at all. I don’t know what I will do now (actually I do know). All I know is that I was never a bright child and these things won’t help me now. I am sorry I am a burden on you, him and the society overall. Till now also I only gave excuses for my poor performance but for the first and last time, I’ll take the blame upon myself. I messed it up Ma. I invested myself in things that lead me downwards into a void I would never be able to come up from. I deserve the punishment.

You remember Ma, when I was a child and used to be sad on some petty thing we all used to pray to Lord to grant me everything I want? I know you always fulfilled my wish and I know how that barbie set was beside me as soon as I closed my eyes. Please Ma, for the last time pray, pray as soon as I close my eyes the poison which I took will be enough to kill me. Otherwise, I would not be able to see myself again and would lose faith in those moments too. Please give love to everyone who deserves it and take care of my sister, tell her I love her and from now on my mobile will be hers. I am happy for her. Dad I know I never showed love to you directly, I was somehow too afraid to show love to you but you are my superhero forever. In these 18 years, I have never seen a strong, hardworking, determinant person like you. I am sorry you invested it on the wrong person. Maybe my sister will do justice to your hard work. All the best to everyone.

From the last piece of dirt left on earth,

Bye for the last time.

Reena

74%, Commerce.

(Committed suicide an hour after seeing her result while her parents were out of station)