A Page from a Writer's Diary

I tell *Buddy* to not re-read old chats but do I actually follow it?.... We all have our low days.. Days when we miss someone who probably doesn't even think about us Or to whom our existence doesn't even matter a bit... That is when we find solace in old chats. Why? Because... I don't know. 

Though I am a Psychology student and it really should matter at all but honestly... I don't know why we find solace in old chats. Knowing that the person with whom we had such honest conversations, such heartfelt conversations has changed so freaking much Or never knowing if ever there was something more, something real, something genuine in those chats or calls or paragraphs. 

We can pretend to be strong, to be unaffected but in reality, we know that how the fuck it hurts!!! And healing isn't a process. It never was. It is a choice. A. Hard. Choice. 

A choice that changes everything.

But even if you choose to heal... You cannot do so without making peace with the past, without having proper closures, without knowing why somebody did what they did. Ironic, isn't it? That the only person who can ever heal you is the one who hurt you. Well, that's because you don't have anyone else to trust that much, to tell everything, to love that much. And it isn't easy letting go at all

I am sorry Jan for the times I have told you to stop thinking about Avi or how he doesn't deserve you or how you are not Nandini Moorthy or how fiction and real life are not the same. (Kaisi Yeh Yaariyaan reference) I am sorry for the times I told you it was okay. Because it wasn't. It never was. Pain is real. Pain is hard. Pain is a reality. All I was doing was protecting you from getting into it. And you said I couldn't understand what you were going through? Really? I won't understand? Out of all the people in the world, you think I won't understand? 

Just because I don't talk about myself or my pain doesn't mean I don't feel it at all. There are days I wanna shut myself and scream and contemplate the reasons why things happened the way they did. There are times when I want to text just once to ensure that the person whom I wanna text is fine. There are days when I wanna go back into the past and fix things even though I had zero faults in them. There are days when I want to change for someone. There are days when I want to feel loved... Like before. 

But then there are days when I am the strongest of all. There are days when I can go on lecturing people about how feelings and all is crap. There are days I want to fight everyone's battles. There are days I want to protect everyone at my own cost. There are days when I want to realize my potential and work towards my goals. 

And perhaps though these days are numbered they help me get through the rough times. Because I know that in the end what really matters is how much I love myself. 

We all are broken by one reason or the other and we won't ever be complete again without looking at the bright, optimistic, and happy side of life. You are not wrong when you want to be Samaira and wait for your Veer. You are not wrong when you want to be Nandini and forgive your Manik.you are not wrong when you want to be Prerna and let your Anurag love you. But you are wrong for thinking that you have found all three of them in one person who just doesn't care at all. 

You 'll find them, all 3 of them gradually, through a process but meanwhile, in the journey, the least you can do is happily accept the past, lovingly think of the memories, stop brooding about closures and move on.

PS. This was actually a page from my diary and was written for a specific person so you may not be able to decipher some meanings but the very fact that you are reading to this point means that you could relate to it somehow, on some level maybe. Thanks for dropping by to read it and you really should let go of your judgements about me and this post when you leave this page. You may definitely take the learnings and lessons along. Shine on!