A Fresh Beginning

                           

                                                                                                        

 

Clutching my small duffel bag, I looked at that house for the last time from across the road where I had spent the most part of my life. Nothing really was left there for me now after Amit's father was gone.  The memories of his struggle with his disease and death and his concern for me lurking in his dying eyes had been haunting me since he had taken his last breath. 

Waiting for the bus, images from the past were rolling like   small boats riding  on high waves, vanishing behind a big surge and re emerging only to be hidden again by another wave. They zoomed past me in split second deceptions like optical illusions of mirage in a desert. A few months after Shuklaji's death, Amit had come to me and rued how his father's ailment had drenched him financially. With a little hesitation he had suggested that I might consider shifting with my brother in our village. "Amma, the house is small and after Papa's death, Mamaji had been insisting that you must go to live with him. And Madhu is also expecting the child next month!" Amit was apologetic. His words were soft but still shattered my heart!  I had protested feebly, "Son, I have little needs, where would I go at this age! I have always lived here and it will be painful to go away from father's memories!" 

In coming days, Amit and his wife Madhu grew more restless and irritable. I could hear their fights, often over trivial issues. The unrest was visible. One morning while shifting the pages of the newspaper, I saw an advert of a "Retiring Home" for seniors. It boasted of "Dignified living in  golden age" and pictures of smiling, happy wrinkled  faces. That day I had decided to move to that old age home. "With my family pension, I could live there with dignity, and  Amit and Madhu could also live in peace" I assured myself. 

Amit was taken aback! "How can you think of old age home, Amma"' he looked offended. "And have you thought of what people will say!" he snapped! But I was determined. Days after Madhu had delivered their child, I told Amit that I had decided to move and that was in better interest of all.  In next few days, Amit had contacted the old age home which was in a nearby city. He had spoken to the manager who assured him of a vacancy.

And now I was waiting for the bus which would take me to that old age home, a new chapter, probably the last one of my life! Amit had insisted to accompany me but I could sense his embarrassment. " Do not worry, I can manage." I was firm.

Sitting on the cold stone bench of the bus stop, I looked at him but I did not want to see the remorse in his eyes. I moved my face away and waited.

                                                          The bus had arrived. Amit picked up my suitcase. "Amma, do not worry, I will be visiting you regularly, and we can talk on phone anytime, is not it?" he meekly smiled. Madhu touched my feet, murmuring something incoherently I could not understand, but she sounded apologetic. I took the infant from her and kissed him. He was a replica of Amit, same dark eyes and little dimples in his pink cheeks. "I will come on his first birthday," I promised looking at him and boarded the bus, holding back my tears. From my window, I waived back to them and the house. With my moist eyes, the house looked like waiving back at me as the bus drove away.  Next to me sat a young mother with a fussing infant on her lap, feeding her and singing a lullaby in a hushed voice. I closed my eyes and thought of Amit.

 The past again swam in the wells of my closed eyes. In my slumber, I dreamed of Amit whom I wished to ask," Did not I put you on my bosom and fed you my sap? Didn't I vow to shed my blood in return of your tears when you were sick? Did I not burn my youth for the pink of your cheeks and keep awake through the nights to make you sleep ! Did I ever fail in rejoicing in your happiness and crying in your pain! Did I not shiver in the cruel cold nights to keep you warm my son! Then I slept fitfully.

 I woke up with a jolt! The bus had arrived at my destination. It was a pleasant mid morning. A gentle blow of   cool air welcomed me as I alighted from the bus. I hailed a cab and gave the address of the old age home to the driver, a somber man in his late thirties. In a few minutes, we arrived at a ramshackle building painted in dull white at the end of a narrow lane. I told him to wait while I waited in the manager's office. The dilapidated walls were adorned with framed photos of Gandhiji and Nehruji and also a few group photos of old people engaged in different activities. In one of them they held each other's hand, smiling under a big tree, and in another one, a group of seniors, one on a wheel chair, raised their hands with the victory sign. From the doors of the office which was at the end of a long corridor, I could hear voices of men and women. "Soon, I will have my own voice too among them", I smiled feebly.

The Manager arrived with a dismayed appearance and regretted for making me wait. After settling down in his chair and offering me a glass of water, he said, "Madam, I am really sorry but the vacancy was filled since your son called last month, we had to." He was penitent. "But do not worry, I have arranged your stay in another good home and you should be no less happier there" he assured me and gave me the address. I sighed and got up. We drove me to the place which was not far away. It was another nondescript building, probably a large old bungalow with crumbling windows.  In the manager's office which did not look very different from the first one, I sat and waited. The Manager, an old lady arrived and sat on her creaking chair. "Mrs. Shukla, I am really sorry but we may have a vacancy only next year or may be even sooner if any inmate dies", she rued. Now I was perplexed. I sat in the cab and  pondered over the options! The taxi driver was concerned by now and could see my predicament! 

"Maaji, do not worry, I know the best place for you and you would get a vacancy there for sure" he assured me. So there was hope again ! I told him to take me there and after a short drive, we reached a building which was flanked by a garden and a big banyan tree. I beamed. The place looked serene and peaceful. I got down and entered the Administrator's office with a pounding heart! 

The  burly lady on the chair smiled at me and asked why I was there. I narrated in brief how I was turned down by two old age homes and that I had very high hopes of finding a vacancy there!  She smiled with a surprise look on her face, "Mrs. Shukla, I am really sorry but probably you did not see that sign board at the entrance! This is not an old age Home but an orphanage! You are in wrong place!"

 My heart sank. I apologized and got up.

 "Wait, we have a vacancy of a resident warden and If you do not mind, you may consider the offer!" I was suddenly excited. "See, we have very young kids left out by their families. They need love and affection of an elderly person like you and I feel you could fit in", the manager said. 

"Lets see around before you take the call Mrs. Shukla", she got up from her chair and took me through the rear door of the office which opened into a big creche. And there they were! Little bundles of joy, smiling and carefree young children full of life, playing, chirping and laughing!  Then my heartbeats stopped for a moment. There he was, among them, a chubby boy barely 3 years old, standing in the center of the room. He had stopped playing and was resting on his little cricket bat, looking at us with his mischievous eyes! I was frozen, and so were my tears! With opaque eyes, I saw my Amit there, the same curly tufts of silken hair hanging on his forehead, those cute dimples in the pink cheeks and that unimpeachable smile! Memories of Amit's childhood and sight of that little boy made me dizzy. The manager was telling me something, but her words were floating around me!

 "Mrs Shukla, are you alright?" She was alarmed.

I recollected myself and smiled back at the boy who had his gaze fixed on me.

"Ah, that one is Amit, the naughtiest lad here" the manager said.

 My heart missed a beat again!

"Amit?" I whispered.

"We found him on our steps when he was barely a year old. We named him Amit" the Manager said.

Back in her office, she called for tea and made her offer again.

I looked at the door to the creche and saw that innocent smile again. Amit had followed us to the office and was standing in the doorway. He had raised his bat high in the air as if telling me to accept the job offer!

So Mrs. Shukla, if you are okay with the terms, you can begin from today itself," the manager looked optimistically at me for my consent. I could barely hear her. I was under some sort of charm, drowned in swirls of emotions which I could not understand! By this time, Amit had sneaked to my side and had clutched the edge of my saree with his tiny fingers! 

 I took him on my bosom and whispered in his tiny ears: "Yes, let's begin afresh my love!" 

 

 

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 helpless e