Where Do I Belong?

I woke up panting,

My sweaty palms quenched the thin quilt;

The unforgiving nightmares of my past.

I could see the sun dawn in the distance,

As my heavy bunk-mate,

Twisted and turned to keep warm in the freezing cold.

I staggered to the bathroom,

Where the familiar stench of urine,

Fired up my brain; the usual morning nausea.

A quick shower and bare breakfast later,

I packed my spare belongings,

And left the homeless shelter before we were told to leave;

I knew I didn’t belong.

It felt like I was the first on the streets,

A peaceful sight,

Where hundreds would eventually arrive.

I knew where I had to go;

My heart didn’t want to,

But my mind and my body needed to.

I arrived at the usual spot,

Ensured it was devoid of cops,

And shivered as I anxiously waited.

The familiar face popped up an hour late;

No pleasantries,

Just the daily exchange: my body for the powder.

As I tied up my ragged gown,

I put my hand forward,

But it was pushed away;

He had none of the powder today, he said.

As a street woman,

I wouldn’t simply back down;

Five punches ensued,

But four of them I took.

Bruised and bloody,

I wept as he walked away;

“You don’t belong in our world”, he said.

I stumbled away,

Battered and broken.

It must have been a mile, maybe two,

When I came across a man, passed out on the floor,

With an empty bottle of whisky;

Perhaps he was hurt too.

As I prayed for him and prepared to move on,

I noticed the glow,

Of an unopened bottle in his backpack’s pocket.

My heart told me it would be cruel,

But my mind and body assured me it was gold;

I could not refuse.

I found a cozy corner,

Shadowed by massive trees,

At the edge of a downtown park.

I thought of the morning that had been,

The dignity I had lost,

As I took my first big swig.

I thought of my father,

Who always quarreled with me,

Who reminded me every day that I was worthless,

Who whipped me with a belt,

Hid me in a basement closet,

Away from his prized friends;

The frightful darkness I had escaped from,

The deed that rendered me homeless.

Half the bottle down,

I noticed the skyline haze away;

My eyes could take the sorrow no more,

And shut off from the world.

Frazzled and weak,

I woke up in a hospital bed,

As a doctor examined me.

“Welcome back” he said,

“You were lucky,

Found by a lovely couple,

Kind enough to call the police”.

I looked away,

As a heavy weight made its way to my chest.

The tears rolled out,

As I thought,

“Why had I come back,

Why had I been found;

Intoxicated and passed out,

Perhaps near death in the intense cold,

I might have been in the only place,

Where I actually belonged.”