The Struggle Within: A Journey of Self-Discovery"

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I Am Human

Since I opened my eyes to this world, everything seemed strange and confusing to me. There was always something inside me that I couldn't explain, a feeling of not belonging, as if I were living in a world different from everyone else. My childhood was nothing like what most children imagine; it was filled with internal struggles and emotions I couldn't express. I lived between the walls of a home filled with heavy silence, where anger tore through the air, and indifference was the only form of love I knew. My father was physically present, but emotionally absent, and my mother was silently struggling. I didn't know how to show my weakness to her because she was fighting her own battles.

I lived in a constant state of fear, and another fear haunted me—fear of failure. I always felt this heavy weight that I wouldn't achieve anything in my life and that eventually, everyone would discover that I was just not enough. This fear accompanied me all the time, and I couldn't escape it. At school, I was constantly bullied. They mocked me for the smallest reasons: my way of speaking, my appearance, even my simple attempts to interact with others. I felt like I couldn't breathe; I was strange in their eyes, invisible except when they needed to hurt me. In the midst of this bullying, I feared being an unwanted person, that their negative looks were the only truth about me. This hurt more than anything else.

As time went on, I began to notice traits in myself I didn't want: lying to others. It wasn't intentional, but I was lying to myself first, to escape the pain, to hide my weakness. I would tell everyone that I was fine, while inside, I was dying. I was learning how to be indifferent, how to smile even though I was internally falling apart. And this feeling of indifference grew over time, where I ignored my emotions and tried to convince myself that I was fine. But I wasn't. I was suffering.

As the last year of high school began, the pressure became unbearable. There were high expectations for me to achieve a high grade, and the pressure kept building day after day. I lived in a whirlwind of stress, unable to focus on studying, and my mind was confused by everything around me. I felt a deep internal pain because I couldn't balance my academic and family responsibilities. During this period, the depression I had been battling worsened, and I felt completely helpless. I had no hope that I would be able to escape this predicament.

I felt mentally ill, and I knew I needed help, but I couldn't reach it. I searched for any way out of this torment, but the world kept closing in on me. Dark thoughts crept into my mind, and sometimes, I would imagine my life without this pain. I wondered if there was another way out. Thoughts of suicide would sneak into my mind when I was younger, and my mind tried to escape from this reality. But I was afraid of the unknown; I was afraid of leaving this world and causing pain to those around me. These thoughts were part of the suffering I was enduring.

But there was always something inside me, something small that refused to give up. I was terrified of failure, and this fear haunted me every day. I would push myself, feeling like I had to be strong. But I wasn't strong. I was suffocating inside. I saw my future as blurry, and I feared that if I failed my studies, the world would turn against me.

Family problems only added to the complexity of things. My mother was ill, suffering from an abscess in her spine, and was carrying the full responsibility of the house, while my father was emotionally absent. There was also an unstable relationship between my mother and her husband, which added to the psychological pressures on me. I couldn't help her enough, and feelings of helplessness and guilt took over me.

I was living in a state of detachment from myself, as if I were living a life that wasn't mine. I would laugh and walk among people as if I were fine, but inside, I was screaming. I needed help, but I couldn't ask for it. I was afraid of being a burden to others, and I believed that I had to be strong, but I was learning how to lie, how to wear a mask to hide my weakness.

Despite all this, I found myself helping others, listening to them and trying to help them overcome their problems. I lived for them, but I would always ask myself: "Who will help me? Who will see me as I die in silence?"

Each day brought a new challenge, and the fear of failure followed me. I was afraid people would think I was careless or indifferent, while in reality, I was living in a hell of psychological and physical pressure. I needed to learn how to be honest with myself, and I needed to accept that I wasn't alone in this pain. In the end, I learned that I am human, and that it's not shameful to ask for help. I learned that I needed to face myself in order to move forward.

I want to live this life in all its details, with all its pains and joys, and learn how to be myself, without a mask, without lying, without fear. I want to live life in all it has to offer, and learn how to be okay, not because I hide my weakness, but because I allow myself to be human, with all the strength and weakness that entails.

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The Conclusion

But at the same time, I couldn't escape from the question that chased me at every moment: Who am I? Am I the person who laughs, feels, and helps others, or was I just wearing a mask to survive? I began to discover that I had been lying, not because I was deceiving others, but because I had been deceiving myself. I insisted that I was fine, while I was suffering inside. Every time I smiled, my heart broke a little more. Every time I pretended to be strong, my soul slowly melted away.

I was living in a state of denial, smiling and talking about my life as if I were fine, but the truth was far more brutal. I was in a constant internal struggle, wearing the mask of happiness while inside, the world was shattering and falling apart. This mask, which I thought would protect me from the pain, was the very thing that started to destroy me.

Today, as I write these words, I know I need help. I need someone to help me break free from this hell I've built around myself. This life full of false convictions has exhausted me, and I want to finally allow myself to be a real human being, capable of feeling, crying, grieving, and even living in peace with myself.

I want to stop lying to myself and to others. I want to face my fears and ask for the help I need. Because now I understand that I am human, and I have the right to feel everything: joy, sorrow, hope, and despair.

Signed: Yazeed Mohamed