The Idea Of Us

"It’s been a long time since I wrote about you, in fact, since I wrote anything at all. I want you to know that I am doing better now, even though only slightly and I really hope that you are too. You might wonder why I am writing this or why I am being so distant in real life. Well, it’s because we never really got a chance to say goodbye now, did we? A person’s got to have closure, both of us know that. So, I think you already know that since the last time I saw you, my biggest fear at the moment came face to face with me and I know that you had a close call too. Your aunt told me. But hey, at least you won’t be affected very greaty and I just want you to know that I’m both proud of you, and happy for you at the same time. Just like I’ve always been every time I watched you succeed and was there to tell you how proud I was. Anyway, since we never officially really talked about it, let me let you know, honey, that every time I looked in your eyes as you looked in mine, I experienced being in heaven, a place that I no longer believe exists. Every time we pretended to talk to our friends while secretly glancing at each other across the room, made me believe that you did indeed, feel whatever I felt for you. Whatever I still feel for you. Because I know that those weren’t just casual looks we threw around at each other, and I can still feel that longing in my heart, in times that I convince myself to forget the pain that has made its home there, every time I think of moments like those, wherein we came so close to each other, all the while staying away at the same time, and for this reason too. I reckon we knew, that this day would surely come too. Hun, I hope that you’ll forgive me for staying away for a while because that’s what I really need to do right now, and it’s incredibly tough too. It is, however, indefinitely what needs to be done though.

I know we think about the future all the time, but I'd like to take a sweet, short trip down memory lane. Remember how that day in class we looked at each other from across? You sat near the window and had turned to face your mates, while also facing me at the same time. That would be when your mates joked about something that made you crack up and let me tell you, I have never liked a smile on someone that much as I did that day, as your shoulders rose instantly, your face had the most innocent kind of happiness, and that was a window through which you let me in on one of your most vulnerable moments, when you also temporarily forgot about everything else and laughed so, so innocently while you still held my gaze, and well now it simply makes my heart ache. I can’t possibly forget that and you can count on that.

I can’t possibly hope to write everything down and I won’t even try to. You know, my mom thinks you’re very nice and she doesn’t even know about this. Dude, guys like you make me believe that there’s good in the world and I know that you’re proud of being who you are, just like you damn well should be. In the moments of our closeness (not intimacy), I realized that I had found what I didn’t even know I was looking for. I guess I didn’t even get a chance to play a video game with you, much less anything else. But at least it’s something that we both would like, I’m sure and I know you wanted that too. I suppose it’s time to close a chapter of our lives which we never even got a chance to start. It’s hard but also important. We’ve always mostly listened to our minds anyway.

 I think we both know, or at least have a fair idea of what love is, which is defined by moments in which you feel so strongly for another person, and you just know when it’s right. But most importantly, it’s when that person feels like home, and when it does, you simply know. I’m not a philosopher so I’m not going to pretend to be one. But hey, I still think about you in my darkest as well my happiest times. Right before I fall asleep to dream about you, to open my eyes with your image in my mind. I hope that you’ll think of me sometimes. I hope that someday if you feel desperately lost and vulnerable, you’ll think of me and whatever we felt for each other, and find comfort in knowing that it still holds true, and would continue to remain that way. But also, I hope that you’ll remember me in times when you are happy and know that I’d definitely be happy for you too. I hope that you’ll remember, for I sure as heck will.

In the end, I want you to know that we’re going to be okay. I can’t be sure, of course, but we’ve got to toughen it out for now and put our cynicism aside and hope- for truly without that, I can only envision the future with a dark fog over it. And maybe we might have to brave that fog one day and march right through it, but maybe today isn’t that day. Maybe, it’s worth thinking it isn’t.

Maybe we’re going to be just fine. Unless, of course, we don’t."