THE END OR A NEW BEGINNING???

It was a lazy Thursday afternoon of 20th May 2021. Ananya had just finished appearing for the first paper of her Final examination of a Post-Graduation course in Psychology. Sitting hopelessly waiting for the food she had ordered from a restaurant, she took her fully charged cell phone (which usually gets drained out more quickly) and was scrolling through her Facebook page and group messages. As she was scanning the notifications, she came across a name so familiar being tagged by the admin of that group. Curious as ever, Ananya clicked on the notification and was led to the post which was dated a year ago. 

The post read the couple cooking session that was going to be conducted by them a year ago. Her heart sank in. Tears rolled down her moist eyes that couldn’t hold them any longer. Posts after posts, comments after comments that she read then brought forth a world full of realizations. While Ananya was going through mental disorders and trauma due to the events that had taken place 8 months ago, Avinash (whom she fondly addressed as Avi) was posting photographs, participating in cookery talk shows as a couple, playing games on social media. Yet another shocker of her life. 

Of course Ananya knew he was married when they had met for their first date in 2017 after having known each other since 2015 fairly well as they had common friends. She certainly knew that they would be living their own existing family and social life respectively and would guard and protect their own little world of love, soul communion and companionship. At 42, one longs for a companion, a soul traveler more than the lusty sex. But the turn of events from September 2018 during the due course of their relationship had changed the equation between Ananya and Avi. Avi had now expressed his desire to live together forever and had reassured Ananya about uniting in a couple of years after he would tie all the loose ends of the thread there. What would have Ananya done then except for accepting and acknowledging his desire and together working towards it. Little did she know what fate had in store for her. 

It was one of Avi’s favourite sentences, “No crime goes unnoticed”. As the time kept passing by, Ananya did keep him apprised about the goal they had in mind and the need to have a plan of action and implementation of the same. But Avi had conveniently evaded it by buying time each time as issues had risen at his end and he needed to fix them up and nothing could be done then. Blinded by the sweet talking and words of reassurance and most importantly by the bond they shared, Ananya would accept and understand it all. And today, here she sat with the Facebook page in front of her. Avi’s words rang into her ears again. “No crime goes unnoticed”.

With the mobile phone still in hand she went back in time and relived it all trying to connect the dots. A past that was vast and unforgettable. From the time they started off till that unfortunate day when THE FIASCO had occurred in August 2019. 

THE FIASCO (THE PAST)

Ananya and Avi were caught red handed by his wife Anwesha when they had met for a date. Anvesha had seen the most obvious, something that could be most unforgivable especially  by a possessive and conservative wife the she was.  All that Ananya had ever known from the very start was that they were soul mates or twin flames (which she still does and will do so for the rest of her life) and had meant to be together with each of their princesses which would make a complete and happy family of four where both the girls would get sufficient parental love from both mom and dad which the girls missed in their current respective family situation. To be precise, both the marriages had failed. Both Avi and Ananya were entertaining a decade and 2 decade long relationships respectively and they knew their marriage was a hindrance to the growth of their spouses and that they had needed a liberation to decipher who they really were and what was their purpose in life. Both Avi and Ananya were sailing in the same boat. Both were concerned about the two kids and their growth that was getting hampered due to their so called marriage and the constant conflicts and differences they had been trying to handle for the longest time single handedly. Both of their respective spouses were living in the denial and victim mode. Thus, walking out of their marriage was a decision made by them even if their love had not manifested,  solely for the sake of the two beautiful daughters they had had. Ananya was always clear. Her marriage had nothing to do with what she had felt for Avi.  Avi was also quite aware  that his deadp marriage and the bond he shared with Ananya had no connections ever. Yet they had to hide their bond as both Anwesha and Amar, Ananya’s  husband had figured out about the love and companionship Ananya and Avi shared. They knew how inseparable they were, yet they were unwilling to accept, acknowledge or let them be. Can love be so selfish? Ananya would keep asking herself. Ananya always believed.. "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it is yours. If it doesn't,  it never was." But today her belief was put to test.

(THE REFLECTION)

She backtracked it all watching her own life 3 years ago to present day as a third person. Not even once he had initiated to connect with her or check on her after the lockdown. Not once he had tried checking on her wellbeing when he knew she was diagnosed with severe PTSD. She did view the situation objectively even then that may be he is the sole fighter at his end. Managing household chores, errands, looking after the kid, office work, cooking and cleaning since his wife was unwell and nearly bedridden then. (Ah! Not to forget that she could surely stand for an hour and a half in front of the mirror getting dolled up for parties and gatherings) And he could take it all and manage it all single handedly. She understood why he did so knowing that he had always done so and taken care of things this way.

She also knew his device was tracked by his wife and he could not take any risk of leaving any traces that would hurl another bomb in their lives which mainly affect his little doll who he lived and pined for. A caring and affectionate soul after all, she could only be more considerate and understanding as that’s how God had made her. But today was different. As a third person, she could now see it all clearly. She knew it now that she was kept in dark all this while. She was also confirmed about the non-alignment between his words and actions. All this while she secretly faced the battles of her mind and soul. The inner conflicts between the head and heart. All she knew was that the mind cannot over power the soul and she had her own silly reasons to let her soul be the decision maker too. After all she was a woman who lived by the heart. An ocean of emotions flooded her mind and soul. 

From several selfies and calls in a day, after the so called fiasco situation that had led to a complete silence for 3 long months in November 2019, after which they met once only so that he could take away and sell the secret cell phone and sim that had kept them connected secretly and had held the WhatsApp messages, emails, photographs and all the memories of their proud and happy past. She realized she had given it away stupidly not realizing he was erasing all the traces and digital footprints from his end. While he did that he had assured her of reviewing the situation at his end and also ensuring sufficient financial security for his wife and also kid if he had to take any bold step or corrective measures for us. She had accepted this too. The silence continued to prevail and a few more incidents occurred which led her to slip into a massive PTSD and medication to cure and heal her wounded soul. And in no time the lockdown was announced. He had not tried getting in touch with her even once. The time kept passing by and then one fine day in May 2020, one of her friends, Suzan, called Avi. All she’d told him was to clarify the relationship status quo so that Annaya could move on in her life to which he insistently said “NO. Tell her to wait” repeatedly three times. Suzan also made him aware of the silence between the two and the need to rekindle the communication if he had wanted her to stay back in his life. Soon, he found a way to connect with her for some bank n investment related matter which she couldn’t handle for herself. 

This was a turning point for their relationship for they were going to be in touch after a long silence. Yes, they started staying connected through emails from July 1, 2020. Initially few but later several ones a day. Both were happy. He said how life had been in comatose until they got in touch. This was way back in August 2020. 

Despite all odds, Ananya had celebrated his birthday virtually given him great surprises that he had said had made his day. 

However, gradually the emails started reducing. From several mails in a day, to once a day to alternate days and now barely 3 times or once in a week that too a revert to her mails with few words or a phrase where few means maximum 5 words. She tried to wave a goodbye several times and move on but he always held her close and convinced her to stay back by his sweet alluring words. Today, she felt like a fool to have stayed back. This was not a very old past. Just a matter of November-December 2020. She had undergone a major surgery – all thanks to him, yet he wasn’t around. While she was in pain, he was merry making by enjoying weekend getaways and weeklong outings with family and so called common friends who had boycotted his so called beloved and partner in crime and her hubby and a grown up daughter who knew everything about them and he had treated like her own and built a connect too. Ananya had believed him even then that he was doing it for the kid’s sake. That he was going with those groupies who had thrown her out of the group for the obvious reasons. 

As she continued her journey into the past year she relived the trying times (or testing times so to speak) of the initial pandemic situation and lockdown and all the efforts she had made to retain and sustain their cherished bond. She was soft hearted and blindly trusted every word of his. She was blessed with the ability to view the circumstances objectively giving enough chances until she was sure she had smelled a rat. Thus, she trusted him despite the circumstances where she could doubt and rethink of a whole lot of scenarios then. She believed in giving chances. She always believed in the adage  there is more that meets the eye but also knew not all what was shown was true. Yet she weighed all the incidents neutrally. Until this moment. 

BACK TO THE PRESENT

But today, after seeing his April to November 2020 social media posts and activities, she wondered what was true. His love for Ananya and her place in his life or his married life? Today, all she wanted to do was let her mind be the Boss and dictate the terms of her own life. 

What should she do now? She pondered as she aimlessly watched the clouds pass by in the dull grey sky that afternoon. Should she shoot up just another email and tell him how she felt? But she knew she had done this several times in the past 7 months and each time he had written long emails to convince her about the situation at his end and she had bought all his explanations, accepted those and managed to continue the way they managed to communicate. 

At this moment, while going through his Facebook posts once again, she felt like a fool. A fool for having believed in his words and given him chances. Now she was assured of how smart he had been. Today, she could see the stark reality. Reality that her mind had always contemplated but the soul was always victorious at silencing. Today, her soul was defeated and her head had won it all. A single victory which was equivalent to 100. 

Eventually, she promised herself to live by the mind. She had contemplated writing him one last time. Alas! She was reminded of the adage, if he cannot hear your silence, no point using your words. And of course she had voiced it all up umpteen times. All she had expected was regular communication. She had never begged or requested. She had given him chances to leave and had told her she would be happy to bid adieu if he had wanted to stay there and move on to which he had never agreed. She knew he was unfair to both and this had perturbed her a lot because in her heart she knew that while he had kept her hanging around here probably Anwesha was kept in dark and must be messed up too. She cared for his wife too after all. She had understood life in multitude shades and knew when a relationship was dead it was dead and there was no point going on and showing fake things to the world. She had known this was what was precisely happening at their end. But she knew it deep down that Anwesha was still not willing to accept it. 

All this while she had felt it all for both. But today she had lost all her capacity to empathize with him or sympathize with her. She wanted to walk away from all these noises and voices that had been haunting her day and night giving her insomnia. She was tired of waiting and more waiting. Tired of the uncertainties of his communication. She closed the disposable email window permanently. Finally, she had consciously chosen not to check his WhatsApp last seen or Telegram last seen. 

Last week when she had mentioned to him about staying connected beyond secret emails he had mentioned he would do that once he got the new phone delivered when Amazon would start delivery services and the very next day he was back on Telegram app with a new id this time and a beautiful sunset display picture. For the last 5 days she had been hoping and waiting he would write to her that he has found a way to communicate with her. Alas! The hope was shattered. It was their love anniversary a day or 2 ago. Avi may be thinking Ananya wouldn’t remember, but how could she forget the smallest thing ever associated with him. He was her life after all. She had written a poem for them yesterday unknowingly but no sooner when she remembered this and saw the social media activities, then she quickly deleted the poem from the disposable mail hoping and assuming Avi mustn't have read it. Ananya knew the fixed times of the day when Avi would check their secret emails. And precisely why she had wanted to delete it. 

She had chosen not to write to him any further. She had made up her mind not to track him or his wife any further which she did it in the past only to figure out if all was okay at his end before she would want to make any request or suggest or initiate any serious talks about their relationship or bond. 

Finally, today she let her unusual and unvalued love to rest in peace forever. 

Ananya had always believed that no one could be ever so busy not to write a word or two in a day. That’s the least one can do if he or she claims that he lives for the beloved alone and she is the only reason for him to smile and live brightened days. It’s all about priorities after all. And if one couldn’t do even this much and give reasons for it all, then there is no point expecting anything. Especially in the kind of situation they were currently in. Especially Ananya who lived at his mercy of the only means of communication – the disposable emails which she still willingly looked forward to so far despite the reducing number of responses or minimum words they contained. But not anymore. 

Finally, she let go of her love forever this one last time. A battle she had lived and survived for precisely 20 months and 25 days (needless to mention the ones she fought multitude times before addressing him in the past). Finally, an unfulfilled and unnoticed love story of 2 soulmates or twin flames came to an end in the most unexpected and unusual way. The fighter and go getter finally gave up on the one who’d never give up on her, maybe I can correct myself here, the one who had pretended never to give up on her or walk over her. 

But just when she wiped off her tears, closed her phone apps and threw her phone on her customized plus size bed to get into the kitchen to grab some quick bites as food delivery was delayed, her cell phone made a sound of the email notification. Assuming it was from work, she picked up her phone and unlocked it only to find yet another disposable email waiting to be seen by Ananya. It was from none other than her so called unusual lover and soul mate Avi. Ananya locked her phone instantly and held it close to her heart. She wasn’t sure what she should do now. As usual, promising herself to check the email for just one last time, Ananya unlocked her phone and hesitantly yet helplessly, uncontrollably yet sanely opened her inbox and read the mail she had received from her sweetheart. 

 The email started with an apology for not being diligent at reverting to  her emails due to work pressures at the new job and stated that he had read the poem written by Ananya and it was really good. The email also apprised her about how he is getting worked up with his little princess while making her study for an hour daily and that if Ananya’s princess and Ananya were fine and if her exam scheduled for the day went off well and wished for the remaining ones. He also added how he had been missing her and missing smiling since she had gone silent for a while. 

Just once again Ananya’s heart had skipped a beat. Ananya’s attempt to delete the email, before Avi having read it, had failed. She was blank. Ananya was now a loss of words for sure. 

What will the disturbed yet stronger Ananya do now? What will happen to these soulmates? 

Will their unusual situation allow them to persistently pursue each other and unite forever?

Will the girls ever play a role in getting them together?

Will their unusual love ever meet the desired and deserved fruition? 

While Ananya pensively sat and thought of their uncertain future, the doorbell rang, disturbing her chain of thoughts. The Restaurant delivery boy was there with the food she had ordered. Staring at the parcel she had just received, Ananya sat back quietly, lost in her own world of thoughts.