Tanzo: A True Story

It was almost dark in the sky about 3 am by my wall watch. Everyone was sleeping and I was staring at every single word of my course. I was dreaming to stand first as always and it was my home examination of the 11th standard in my S.J.S.G.I. College in 2012. Those days my own sister Tanzila was sick and weak by health that sometimes I had taken her to the restroom holding her hand. She was really weak as if she had lost her grasp on earth, the way her body was shivering while walking. At times it was hurtful to see my healthy sister such a way.

Like the other day, I was studying in my room that dark morning and suddenly I felt someone awake. I left my room to inspect with a thought, maybe my sister needed my help. 

I didn't want my mom to bother to do anything for my sister if I was already there for her. I really can't remember if I took her to the washroom that dawn or not. But yes, it was the time when I was leaving my mom's room to continue my study and she called at once, " Huhhhh....hhhh " as if she needed something like tea or water, I guessed.

"What's happened, Tanzo?"

I came close to her, she didn't reply. She was trying to sit on the bed, I helped to keep my right hand on her head from behind. She started raising her hand towards me, trembling in sickness. I was really not getting her gesture. I was confused as well as scared about what she was doing. What was wrong with her? If she was okay. I didn't think much after that and I held her raised hand. I felt the softness of her palm even in illness. I almost shook her hand very slowly. My mouth was still opened in fear of loneliness.

"Happy Birthday... " She uttered.

I felt like my eyes got wet within it, I smiled at the same time. My heart was jumping in a hurry to let my eyes feel comfortable, I wanted to cry.

Yes, it was the 26th of March 2012, the day when I cried the very first time from Jaunpur.

"I was really scared for a while. In fact, I wondered how I forgot my birthday." I yelled in a soppy way keeping my volume of expression slow. I was hiding my eyes from her the way she insulted me in a lovely way on my birthday, UNFORGETABLE!

She smiled in return. We had no conversation after that and I helped her lying on bed again.

I was smiling as it was the very first time that forgot my birthday. It happened because my sister was ill and I was busy with books in that stress. My days were going like; studying, worrying, crying and sometimes fearing of losing my courage of having faith in what was actually happening at home. Her thinking was making me weak too. I could see her lying all the time like a patient. It was hurting me, it was paining my heart but I was calm giving me courage myself as it was my exam time. I was feeling like I would not be able to score good marks as I was studying with my wounded heart. I was feeling very bad when she got a fit the second time, maybe due to epilepsy but I was not sure about it but it happened. I didn't race to see her in that position. I was in my room listening to everything but I couldn't walk to see her there in mom's room. I had no courage.

There was a day too when I was making her feed rusk after dipping into the cup of tea again and again. I saw her helpless with my helpless eyes. I wanted to kiss her forehead but I couldn't as I never did, I was shy too. I was seeing her enjoying rusks, as I could see her teeth.

A decision had been taken. Soon my family took her to Varanasi, maybe for B.H.U. It was the second time when she left home for being hospitalized.

Last time she was admitted in Jaunpur somewhere and came back after a week being fine. So now I felt good as there was a ray of hope again that she would come back now walking on her own. She would again play Ludo with us, as we were four sisters. I would say then how much she bothered us when she would come back. I would take revenge on my every pain I was feeling in my heart while studying.

It was the time of evening when I heard my grandma speaking that no doctor was admitting my sister in their hospitals. So she was hospitalised in another hospital of Varansi but not in BHU.

Allah! Unknowingly I felt the very first time that my sister's condition was very serious. I might lose her... I might lose me before my eyes with shaken heart. I became restless, the news warmed my both ears, my heart started coming into my mouth, I went numb. That time I forgot even to recite 'Dua Of Patience'. Yes, I was highly in pain. I dialed my uncle who was already there in the hospital. I informed directly that it was my exam time and grandma was making me scare such a way that my Tanzo was Serious And Could Leave Us. Yes, I complained about a mother to her son in restlessness as I was in a hurry to keep my heart in control. My uncle consoled me and called back to grandma on her phone as she had personally. I was sure he would have chided her not to make us worry like that. Yes, I was scared.

Again my alarm rang in the morning at about 3 am. The date was 19 April 2012. I was revising my Subject- Hindi Grammer as it was my exam. I was in my room and suddenly I felt like a car placed outside my home. In no second I saw my paternal family coming at home. I was actually not getting what was happening about 4 am in the morning. Why did they come here now? I went out and asked my grandfather, brother of my late. Grandpa, about the condition of my sister as I had doubt.

"IS EVERYTHING OKAY, DADA?" I asked. He didn't see me and said, "YES YES... FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE." I was worried, walking in home to and fro to know what actually has happened. If my Tanzo was okay na. Suddenly my Billo Fufi started crying seeing us. She hugged my grandmother and said,

"TANZILA LEFT US...."

Ya Allah....Ya Allah...Ya Allah....

I was not crying, as the pain was above that. My eyes became red but I was not crying. My heart was paining but I was really not crying. I was actually not believing if it was a nightmare or happening sometimes real. I wanted to cry because I felt like someone inflated my heart like a balloon the way I had filled it with pain. I felt like my heart was going to blast. I should cry but I was really not crying. I went alone on the roof seeing the sky, I felt they were silent. That news gave me a terrible shiver.

Allah, I've lost my soul, my sister.

I've never thought it was my last birthday she wished.

I've never imagined it was my last day when I made her eat something.

Ya Allah, I've lost me.....

I started crying like hell.

_______ My Heart Was Paining. But I Was Really Not Crying._____

I'm not a child anymore so I'll not say Tanzo to come back. I know you'll never come back to me. But I keep finding out you in others. I keep finding out you when anyone appreciates and says, "Neha, you can." I keep finding out you on my every birthday. I keep finding out you when I feel demotivated and low. I've lost you but I've never lost those words you used to tell me. I'll keep growing and giving my 100% to every work I'll do. I didn't lose you actually, I only can't see you around me. Even while writing many of times I felt like my heart came into my mouth. It only happens when I feel like crying but I really don't cry.

Yes, I don't cry but my heart pains. But when I cry, it means I've lost me, my courage, my love. I don't think I'll be eligible to express how deeply do I adore you but I'll say, I love you Tanzo. Do you keep missing me too? I don't wanna lose even anyone now. I've no courage to feel the same. I've no courage to handle my heart again.

Yes, my heart is paining but I'm really not crying.

Because you didn't want me to cry ever.

I'll love you forever. 

I became who I was not at that time when you were with me. But I always do what I'm interested in. I do write now Tanzo. I'm a writer now, do you know?

Your Writer_Neha wrote about you.

 *Neha Shwens Firoz*