Relationship

This post is not going to be poetry. Instead, it is going to be a mode of self-reflection for me and getting out there and trying to find if 'you', people reading this feels the same way, has undergone something similar in their relationships.

I am from India. I am currently in a relationship with this wonderful girl. I have been in relationships before but they were not too great. In fact, it will not be wrong to say that they were downright doomed to fail (of course I did not realize this at that time, how could I?). However, my relationship with this girl is nothing like I have ever experienced. Sure the fights are there, heartaches, small misunderstandings, but when we are in each other's company, we are so lost in each other as if nothing else in this world exists.

But still, the wounds of my past relationships keep haunting me. I completely dedicated myself emotionally to them but failed miserably. Maybe I was at fault, maybe not. These crushed sentiments and feelings have crept to the innermost part of my sentiments and I started believing two things simultaneously - I will never be able to find a true partner ever and that I will always end up being hurt as no true love really exists.

She changed everything. She came and made me realize that not only can I find a real connection but also a partner who can be very dedicated like me. Still, the torment I felt after my failed relationships left scars which still haunts me and which still exists in my mind. Constantly in my relationship as soon as something does not happen as it should, I start doubting and fearing if this will also fail. As if it is too good to be true and it's just a matter of time before she will leave me too for something else, someone else. The most cursed object is my above-average intelligence (not bragging, I know where I stand - I am not a genius but much better than average), notices small things to the minutest of details and extrapolate a pessimistic view of it all in relation with my insecurity of being left again.

Every relationship needs a little work. And I need to improve. I need to completely forget the past. We have decided that we will get married. Though there is still work to be done on our relationship, we both realize that we both are meant to be together. It's a mutual feeling that none of us say out loud but both realize it in our bones. It is an unsaid understanding between us that it was simply not by chance that we found each other. The most surprising of all the things, and I admit it will sound far-fetched even absurd, is that after fights in our initial stage of relationships there was something like an invisible force that time and again pushed us towards each other every time we tried to go our separate ways. It is unbelievable! Funnily, it's as that Hindi movie says, the universe conspires to bring us together. And no I am not delusional, under full consciousness I am claiming this. She loves me. All we need to work out now is synchronizing our emotional connection levels. Most often than not, I behave like a child, I demand attention that she keeps talking to me 24*7, when that doesn't happen, I get fussy. She takes care of me. Sometimes I still get afraid she will leave too. The past doesn't seem to leave easily. Sometimes I feel there might be someone else but at the same time, I know that she will never do that. But the fear is so overpowering that I crumble beneath it like a house of cards.

Can someone relate to it? The mind is really a very weird thing. I wish to give her all the happiness in the world but for that, I need to be happy with myself. My conscience feels I do not deserve so much love, that it will not last, that she might leave any moment. Although I was always the one who was left in the past, I do not know what strange mechanics is it of my mind that makes me question whether I deserve this or not. My relationships were never superficial from my end they were always honest and true. I think that is what has left the deepest scars with a great amount of pain and I think that is why my mind is stopping me to completely dedicate myself, to give myself away completely. It will happen because in spite of the past, comparatively, I have never loved any girl like this. I just wish she be patient with me, that the past does not repeat itself.