My Helplessness Or Sacrifice??
My Helplessness Or Sacrifice??11 mins 172 11 mins 172
9th FEB. ‘19
It was in the afternoon when the mobile rang….it named “TUSHAR”. My cheeks color already cleared to everyone in the room sitting that it’s none other than him.it took me hardly 5 sec to answer the call. He spoke “JAANA, do you love me??? More than anyone else in this world? ” His sound was not the same as usual. He had wept for hours. I enquired immediately about the matter. He told that Amma had selected a girl for marriage and now blackmailing him to marry her as soon as possible. She had warned him that if he was going to cancel this time then she would inform my parents about our relationship. I silently listened to all his situations and very patiently asked just a question “what now???”
He started crying and asked the same question again…I repeated mine by calming him “what you want to do now? Any further plan?” He asked me to run away with him. He would manage everything but couldn’t live without. I confirmed “ Is this only the way to save our marriage?’
He got frustrated and yelled at me “Do you really love me? We will be parting away forever if not do anything, why don’t you understand the seriousness of the issue we stuck in.” I was silent for some time. My mind was not accepting the fact that we had no option other than running away. It meant going away from my own parents, my sisters, little brother who was just like my kid and all the family.
It was in the evening when I was having tea with Pakoda as it was Friday. Tushar was not well after our last conversation. I tried to explain to him that it was not easy for me to run away…..society would question my parents all their life or even after that also. Papa-Maa would not forget it so easily….they would do everything possible to search for us and would never ever trust anybody. They would totally scatter.
After two days again the same question stood in front of me. This time I got irritated and scolded him that it was his responsibility to handle his parents. On the day of marriage he promised me that he would handle his parents and I had to handle mine. And if now he couldn’t then he was free to do marriage with that girl. I would not be any problem to either his Amma, family, or to him.
He unwillingly disconnected the call and we both wished goodnight to each other. He was determined as it was a 12 years long-distance relationship. We had already gone through many hurdles in our life and fought each one with unity. But this time it was different as it was against our parents. I was having other plans for them and for ourselves too.
After a week of daily strong and sometimes harsh arguments he clearly told them that he was not going to marry any girl. This news was good for just a few seconds. The silence of his parents had a storm inside their minds and heart. During the evening I was sitting in the balcony viewing the passing cars and bikes, watching birds chirping, wind blowing….suddenly got a call from Maa sounding worried and depressed asked me ” where are you?” I replied questioning ” In the hostel….what’s the matter?” She cried her heart out and said many things that not only pierced my heart but my soul. She stated to me “ there is no point living now….You not only broke our trust but trashed out our pride. We can’t survive without pride and honor.”
That moment was like thunder roaring aloud and me solo inside fighting for even the single breathe. It was all my fault. It was nothing that I could convince them for because I already knew that they were not going to agree for this relationship even if they would have to die or they had to kill me either. Trusting Tushar was my second mistake as I very well knew that he could not control them for doing such things as was expected from them.
The sobbing of my mother was still echoing. I was on the road where there was no destination. One side my family was there who had supported me to stand on and gave the freedom to take the important decisions of life but I even after learning their actual reaction took the step of marrying him. While another side was my husband, love of my life with whom I spend 12 long years supporting each other and was a strong bonding above all the merits and demerits.
The whole night was burning with all the mixed thoughts. Papa was very upset he promised not to talk with me hereafter ever again. Tushar was sorry for what his parents did. He was frightened by thinking about the future of ours. He was continuously preaching to run away as what was going to happen had already been, if we now wanted to be together this is the last opportunity.
It was the night longest of all I would ever experience. The pain of losing my husband even now and besides that the faces of Ma-Papa keep popping. It was not the time to think whose mistake put me here but to choose anyone.
At dawn I woke up from my bed, the sun was still behind the darkness…birds were still asleep….except me all were in the lap of sweet dreams…..I was not able to believe that I would also feel happy ever again. I was going to leave a major part of my life…..It was the turning point. I had already taken the decision even on the behalf of Tushar without asking him anything and very quietly started writing the last letter to him. I knew he would defend me…would shout….would shatter but it was ok instead of all these pains for Ma-Papa.
It’s not that you are not aware of the situation. I am not going to argue with you either on the matter of whose mistake it was. But you very well know me as I already told you that in any case, I would not insult my parents before all the society. Have you ever thought about what would my Papa answer when asked about me? He was the one who spends many sleepless nights just because I was in trouble either being sick or having studies. He is the one who handed a glass of milk and water on my very own bed so that I would comfortably study hard without any disturbance. He used to polish my shoes even then in class 12th. Ma was not like others made us to workhouse chores just because we were girls. She fought against everyone whosoever came in our evolution and success. I am not here making you count the endless efforts they took for me without complaining but just want you to think a single questions’ answer that what is their fault in this whole story of our love? How are they eligible to be punished by society and their allegation? Will we both be happy thinking that they will be all ok after we elope from here? It’s not at all easy for me to leave you or to erase all the memories we have. I have no strength to break our beautiful bond which we together build. I could not think of a day when you will not be beside me. But today I want to tell you all the things I wanted to tell you long before but couldn’t.
When I think about you and Papa both then I can never choose between two who will be the person I will like to talk finally while lying on my death bed, who will be the person on whose lap will take my last breath. If I will be with Papa then you will never get the chance to bid me farewell the very last time. Jaana, I always wanted you two together to hold my hand. Is it too much I think of?
Jaana, when I saw the marriages then used to be upset that you will never be able to have all this fun with family and friends. Like other sons-in-law you will never get that respect and pride. You will never come with Barat or do any other rituals which are common to all. There are many incidences where my heartaches on seeing you alone without any complaints even when you have the right. You will never get the honor of a son-in-law. I can never tell them that you were always with me as my shadow throughout whenever it was needed or not.
Even today if we both leave our world and start afresh one then will it be alright? All others will be normal without any issues? Will this storm settles down without any destructions? If I do any mistakes and will be all alone then to whom you will complain about me? Will, you not miss all your family? If you need someone then will regret that day. Jaana, for a single relation whole family, should not be destroyed. We want our love but we can’t snatch a son from a mother/father, a brother from sister/brothers similarly mine too. I can feel your sorrow but understand you too. You will do your duty and will love and give all the right to the girl you will marry again. Our journey of togetherness, love, marriage ends up here only. I am really very sorry that I am going to break my promise of never leaving you. I can never tolerate that Ma prays for your destruction or anything bad about you. I will wish that all the happiness you deserve will get for sure. You are a very good husband, a very good friend as well. I always feel secure in your arms. I love you wholeheartedly. I don’t know if I could survive without you but this is the medicine for their pain. Just think of the pain I am suffering from and will bear when anyone else will become my husband. I will die a thousand times when he will touch your Jaana’s body. How can it be…..
But I promise you I will be only yours till you will be only mine. I will move on to my life only after your wedding. Go and inform your mother that her son will be hers and is ready as she wants. I will be very happy seeing you be a good son, brother, husband, and even a father someday.
It will be difficult but not more than my parents. It will be satisfactory to cry daily throughout life alone than making them cry and spend the rest of their life cursing us or even worst of it.
Please destroy all the belongings you have of mine so that no memory stops you to do right. The photos, diaries, my Mangalsutra, and Sindhoor all of them are very precious to me but you have to get rid of them as will hurt the girl coming to your life has her own dreams and desires with you.
Finally if you want to know the real pain then ask any wife what will they feel about seeing her own husband with anyone else. How will they react if they see their sindhoor in anyone else forehead? Jaana you can never imagine the intensity of that feeling. A girl would like to die but can’t bear this punishment.
I am going to destroy my own world.
If I get the next birth then I will surely wish to be yours forever.
NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR THIS SIN JAANA.
Yours and only yours.
After sending the letter, without having any second thought as my tears were flooding out….heart was overflowing with pain and memories of him. It was becoming hard to even breathe…..air could not go in. I fell on the floor holding my heart and tears all over my face having eyes red and puffy. After a few minutes heartbeat and breathe came to normal. I stood up, broke my sim card, deleted his number, e-mail id, all his photos, and everything which could become a link afterward.
Now it’s been 6 months long. He has not been married but hopefully will be in a month or two. It was not at all easy for me to live without him or even think that he will be alive and become anyone else’s husband and will have no right on him anymore. Many nights went by crying pillow over the mouth and wetting it a whole night with tears of helplessness or sacrifice don’t know.