Manmarziyan

Manmarziyan 

"I choose to love you in silence…

For in silence I find no rejection,

I choose to love you in loneliness…

For in loneliness no one owns you but me,

I choose to adore you from a distance…

 For distance will shield me from pain" - Rumi

 

  

Maya found herself looking in the golden oblong mirror that hung in her bedroom wall. Her hair was not wound in a careless chignon where few strands escaped and worked according to their own whim. Today, the hair was let loose. The long tresses were brought in the front to shield the skin between her bodice and folds of her Bengali cotton sari. Mango yellow with red border. That was her favourite colour or perhaps, it was his. She brushed that thought as her hair danced to the tunes orchestrated by the gusty wind. A strand of hair stuck to her lips. And she brought her slender fingers to place it just behind her ear. That's when she saw her eyes. Her luminous, almond-shaped eyes shone even brighter with the sunbeams that slanted through the French windows. The stinging tears stood at the corner of her eyes, waiting to gush down but she blinked them back.

The fate of unrequited love was writ large on her forehead or maybe the fate of friendship that went untranslated into love. Yet her lips quivered to curl up into a smile. 

She sat on her ornate ivory chair and pulled open the chest of drawers to find a brown mahogany box. Like an oasis in the midst of odds and ends, it shone beautifully and atop the box, pearl adornment glittered.

The box housed the promises kept and the promises quashed by destiny. Pulling the bunch of letters which were nicely tucked with a pink silk thread, she set aside the box. The tint of sepia teased the crystal white sheet marking the years gone by. She contemplated whether to cut free the thread or push it into the place where it was hidden, removed from her sight and her mind. 

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she broke the thread. With the pulse hammering outside her body, she stared at the letters. Old memories flashed in front of her. Some caressed and some stridently attacking her like a quiver of arrows. The bygones cast such a thick shadow that it faded the remnants of the sunlight. Her fingers stood motionless for a moment before she unfolded the letters one by one.

Gingerly she touched each word. She instantly recognized his handwriting. Of course, he used the fountain pen. The one which she gifted him on his birthday.

  November 30, 1987

Dear Maya,

How are you? How is the weather today? Here it is raining incessantly since a week. After a bright and sunny weather, we are embracing downpours. I know how you enjoy rains so thought of sending you a picture of the heavenly weather with this letter. In the picture, we are with our cup of black tea, getting wet in the rains. Wish you were here then I could tell you a lot more. What is happening over there? Give my regards to uncle and aunty.

Friend 

Satish

 Yes, she loved rains. They could go on talking at length about the clement atmosphere that rain brought. She imagined him standing with his army and smiling for the photograph. One hand gently nursing the tea cup. A thin smile invaded her lips. She hurriedly turned the sheet to find the picture. All went in vain. The picture was spoiled and looked so scruffy. Surely it suffered the ravages of time. She could hardly make out Satish among all the kakhi-clad men. Placing it gently on her low table, she lifted the other unfolded sheets. The words protruded, impatiently waiting for her to read them. She breathed a heavy sigh and started reading.

 One letter at a time.

 Letter dated January 22, 1988

Dear Maya,

How are the magnolias that we planted together? Remember I used to give you magnolia every day in school. Blushing crimson, you perched those on one of your pony tails. Oh god, how pretty you looked. 

 Maya gave an involuntary shake as the memory flashed in front of her. She remembered every small detail of the everyday ritual. How could she not! She used to get restless to see Satish and desperately wait for those magnolias he gave her. Jaya always envied her and she went all green-eyed looking at those magnolias in her hair. That was so childish of them, she thought. Nevertheless, the memory gave a reason to put a smile on her face. That face which lost the path of smiles and embraced a perennial frown.

 With the letter on one hand, she got up to examine those magnolias that they planted it together. They were given by Satish's aunt on his birthday and what did he do with that. He urged Maya to take it with her and when she gently rebuked him for giving his own birthday gift, he came along with her post school and planted them on his own. Robbed off all plausible excuses, she had to submit to him and his childlike requests.

 The bright little magnolias winked at her, swaying to the tunes of the wind, seated like a crownless queen among the profusion of flowers in her terrace garden. She picked one and inhaled the scent of it. The scent assaulted her senses and transported her to the world unknown. Really Magnolias had magic, she deciphered. She took one hair pin and pressed the magnolia stem by sliding it between the teeth of the pin. Gently, she pinned it on her hair.

Examining the beauty of magnolia perched on her hair, she felt like a class 10th student yet again. Standing in front of Satish with Jealous Jaya by her side. 

And where were those little flowers that he gave him? Were they still treasured?

How could they not! 

Maya rummaged through her chest. The worn-out wooden furniture rattled and creaked. And there it was! A brown coloured notebook belched its stomach as numerous sheets were pressed inside its thin figure.

The withered magnolias were prisoned inside it away from human eye. Bringing them to her nose and inhaling the remnant of their fragrance, she released them out of their cocoon. Like the coffee dregs in the mug, these little memories stood tethered to her mind. Only difference is the water washes off the dregs but here nothing could wash off those memories. Certainly not! 

As she pushed the magnolias back to its residence, she chanced upon the pile of negatives. These were the ones who did not make it to the full- fledged photographs. She lifted some of them and narrowed her eyes to look closely. Some were her old family blueprints; some were of her school gathering and among them was one small negative. Satish and Maya playing around the trees. She with her boisterous smile, sticking her tongue out and Satish with a grin. What if it would have gone on to be a colourful photo, she thought wistfully.

Maya took her painting brushes and started painting the exact image like that in the negative. The photograph did not happen but nothing would stop her from making it into an art. A painting, like photographs, bridges the gap between us and our evanescent memory, isn't it? 

She vigorously sketched, coloured and put in the strokes on the white canvas. And, voila, the image was ready. She painted her full sleeved dress in pink. For him, she chose a sky-blue shirt and white pants. Her hair was neatly braided and oiled with two ponies swinging from side to side. The pastel colours to show the backdrop complimented the two subjects in the picture.

The sun streamed in, filtered through the gossamer curtains and glowing into the two young faces on the canvas.

Beaming with a smile, she read the remainder of the letter.

Letter continued....

 Maya, can you paint a picture of us? You know how we used to run around the trees in Jaikishan garden. And our family supplied us with tea and hot samosas. You would guzzle down everything as if you were starved for a month. But I loved watching you eat. That time, I made fun of you and your appetite. I made sweeping statement about your apetite, saying "you could easily swallow an elephant". And that's when you started crying. When I came forward to comfort you, you left the place in tears. I was frantic and kept running behind you. And that's when you stuck your tongue out. My uncle noticing it all, clicked a candid picture. Somehow, it never got made into a colour image.

Your friend, 

Satish

 Maya couldn't forget how he and his cousins made fun of her after this incident. And film of tears stood at the corner of her eyes. That was then. And now when she recounted that imagery, she broke into a melancholic smile. A distinct air of sadness engulfed her and she could trade anything to go back to live that image. 

  She gathered all her thoughts of that mental image and the negative in front of her. Rekindling the artist in her, she began her mission. And a colourful, well-painted picture stood before her. Maya was satisfied that she fulfilled this wish of him. The precision in the strokes were brilliant. Maya was not used to delivering insipid, shallow works. She drowned deep when she worked and her work spoke volumes. But lately, she lost connect with the paint brush. She choked when her thoughts rested on that day.

 Letter dated February 1989

Dear Maya, 

How are you? I keep thinking about you. I left your place with heaviness. And most importantly when you were so ill. I was so worried that day I did not let it show on my face. I was frightened too as Uncle and Aunty were with Ragini and you were all alone. At the same time, you were too stubborn. Maya, I know how you wanted me to stay with you that day. You really don't know how lost I was when that call came. 

 Maya's eyes grew moist. She held the letter to her heart and closed her eyes. December, Winter, Ritu's marriage, Bangalore house. "NO!" "STOP!". The sudden flood of hurtful thoughts made her shout in distress. When she opened her eyes, all she could hear was her own echo which made her head spin. Trying to gain equilibrium, she buried her face on her pillow. But that did not stop her from rehashing the trauma. Maya felt helpless.

                The wind blew bringing in the scents of nostalgia along with the cloud of dust and browned leaves. The beautiful profusion of rose, chrysanthemum and magnolias in her balcony garden swayed to the tunes of the wind, mellowing the hanging ferns with its timbre. Beyond the window, there stood a railway line which was now shut due to the repairs and construction work. The street where Maya lived were divided into columns for the fruit vendors and vegetable mandis to hold their makeshift market. The street was getting ready for the afternoon's languor. The uproar of the fisherwomen and fruit vendors were coming to a rapid halt. Languid air washed the houses and its inhabitants lulling into an afternoon siesta. The sound of silence hung heavily in the air, searing an untitled pain in Maya's heart. The afternoon sun did not show any remorse but shaded the roofs of skyscrapers and the windows glinted in the brisk light. And the towering structures that housed those windows stood like proud sentinels guarding the street from evil eyes.

The memory of that day was still fresh in Maya's mind. She was transported back to those months before the above letter or was it not the very last letter of Satish?

   December 1988 

The winter hung in the air carrying the smell of December blossoms in its shoulder. That week was when Satish had arrived home. He was over the moon to see his baby sister getting hitched to her high school sweetheart. Maya had met Ritu and his cousins before his arrival and was very excited for the celebration.

Maya couldn't go to the airport to receive Satish as her parents were leaving for Ragini's house in Cochin on the same day. That did not stop her from going fidgety and restless. She carried the heavy wait of time on her shoulder and every minute measured like eons. 

Satish reached her apartment at five in the evening. Maya was making lemon pound cake and her hands were soiled when she heard the whirring noise of the doorbell.

With a gleeful smile and a responsible air of propriety, Satish held a corsage bundled and scented with gardenias and magnolias. Maya sprinted to open the door. Mid-sprint, she scanned her reflection in the passage mirror. Livid that all her tresses ran haphazard and soiled with the cake batter, she clucked her tongue noisily. 

Hearing her sound from the other side, Satish remarked with a mischievous smile "Hmm, I did not know that you disapproved my visit to this extent"

"Hey, come on, it is just…forget it…you know...", Maya was over the moon to see Satish that she couldn't complete any sentence and stood dumbfounded with a silly grin. 

"Maya, you look beautiful", intervened Satish looking away not meeting her gaze. And the dumfounded Maya blushed crimson.

"Oh, now don't get used to it", added he as he ushered in and walked past Maya. Maya stood with her baking tray. Her fingers still held the door handle. 

 He turned and saw her and that moment, both broke into a peal of laughter. The laughter rang out and echoed through every wall.

Leaving the corsage among the ferns and carnations that hung out from the terrace balcony, he tried to incorporate his amateur baking skills by mixing the dry ingredients into the cake batter. 

"So, tell me loyal soldier, how long are you staying this time?", questioned Maya leaning on the kitchen countertop

Satish chose not to answer that question and treated himself to the scent of the cake batter. He plunged into a nostalgia and a déjà vu moment. Especially this question of Maya. He grew used to this question that he befriended with silence and presented it as a reply. As he never wanted to confront the sadness that truth could bring on the other person when the answer is let out. 

"Satish, would you like some tea?", asked Maya putting on a cheerful face after the few minutes of inexplicable pause that the silence brought between them.

"Yes, why not!" 

Bringing the tea mugs to the living room, they sat in front of the window, beyond which, a tired sun was slowly bidding good bye with a promise to return the next day. Some street vendors were adjusting the kerosene lamps and rebuilding the vehicles that stood as makeshift markets for the remainder of the evening. Sandwich makers were busy cutting the veggies as the hungry mill workers and officers witnessed the blazing magic of two hands of sandwich maker. The only tea stall in the street was eclipsed by the teeming crowd that came to fill their stomach with cutting chai and bun maska. Amidst the hustle, the stationery shop owners, the twin brothers, were tired with the endless children in his shop and their unending demands. College students gathered beside the shuttered storefronts to click selfies.

Satish took in everything with his eyes. A feeling of missing out brimmed his heart so much that he unknowingly blurted out "Some things never change" 

Maya picked it from where he left as she added "And we are glad for that"

The nostalgic scent of street front and spiced tea wafted in the air and broke his reverie. 

Inhaling the ginger and cardamom, Satish asked "So, how are the preparations going on? Ritu is gleaming like a sunshine. I am so happy for her"

"Yes, Satish. Now that you have come, uncle and aunty can heave a sigh of relief. And Ritu looks very happy with the proposal" 

"In 2 days, she will be married. Time flies. She was so tiny when I held her first. I could still remember the scent of the new born baby in my arms. My baby sister is all grown up now. "

"And now she has become unreasonable. Always demanding and making others play to her tunes", Maya complained with a smile. " Ahhh, everyone at home missed you so much", she heaved. 

"Everyone?", Satish lifted his gaze to meet hers. She was again dumbfounded and the world stood still for a moment.

The microwave beeped. She silently thanked for the intervention. 

"Let me get the cake out of the oven. And we can have tea and cake, just like old times", gleefully Maya leaped out of her chair and ran to the kitchen.

Years have passed between them but the passing time cannot steal their organic memories that they built together. There are many things left unsaid in those memories and looking back, both knew it is better to not say few things. Both the hearts are privy of those deliberately clutched words. Sometimes it teases both of them, crawling slowly displacing itself from its occupied terrain but both know better to catch and safely place it back. Today, it again teased when Satish asked her this question. Maybe he did it purposely. What if he does it again? What if it crawls out again and be adamant enough to stay exposed? Will her weak heart would face defeat?  

"Cheers to old times, you day-dreamer", toasted Satish with tea and a slice of lemony cake "Okay Maya, I have to go and collect some groceries before mom becomes impatient. She becomes very edgy when she sees me getting out of the house"

"I know. Aunty misses you so much. Now go run. Also take this cake and give it to everyone" 

"And madam, please get ready and be on time. I will call up Vimala aunty tonight. Wish they were here for the wedding. I know Ragini needs them more than anyone"

"Mom and dad wanted to. Ragi's due date is next week. I am delighted", said Maya, almost jumping with joy. She cannot wait to be maasi. "Now please go run else aunty will call me and give me an earful"

"Okay baba, I will dash off" and "please give my love to Ragini and my soon to be releasing niece"

"Oh, as if you know that it is going to be a girl", she chided from behind

"Of course, it is!", smilingly he disappeared into the fading horizon

 The day of wedding arrived bringing in its own festivities and charm on everyone's life. Swathed in a bridal dress of Navy blue woven with golden embroidery, Ritu looked exquisite and flushed every ounce of joy. Her long luxurious tresses held a string of flowers and long, silky black ringlets flowed like an unruly waterfall, accentuating her pale face even more translucent. The festive atmosphere got more festive because of Maya, Satish and all their mutual friends. The splendour boomed exponentially to everyone's delight as the orchestra belted out festive songs. Photographers running in midst of cables trying to find the vantage point to click bride and groom's pictures. Puddles of yellow glow fell on bride and groom when they walked on the folds of the red carpet.

  Ritu got married in a lush and decorated garden. The makeshift canopy placed at the center was ringed with colourful and seasonal flowers with marigold displaying its blossomed visage in regular intervals. The décor accentuated the already swelled fervour in the atmosphere. The green lawn was sprinkled with pink bougainvillea flowers. Chairs upholstered in velvety red were neatly put up in columns and rows. Guests filed in with their gifts, flowers and other pleasantries.

 Maya, Satish and friends took charge of all the arrangements and Maya saw to it that every guest was taken care and attended to. Satish's parents broke in happy tears to see off their only daughter to her marital home. Satish almost fell into ecstasy seeing Ritu's betrothal from close quarters. Maya smiled with effervescence and her every pore bubbled with untold excitement. Her eyes were a traitor as it let her secrets that she wished they hadn't. To be part of the fervour with Satish was one of them and her friends could easily see the cat peeping out of the bag. They could sense that in her demeanour. The unmatched exhilaration filled her entire being. Clad in a pale blue lehenga with long swirling skirt hemmed with pearls, she looked like a celestial beauty with deep eyes set to coal mascara and luscious lips teasing a bright brown shade of lipstick. Her mesmerizing demeanour enthralled everyone.

 The evening after the wedding fell into a melancholic atmosphere especially when family were getting ready for Bidaai. The atmosphere grew grim when Satish was ushering in and out of the wedding hall. Maya fathomed a sense of confusion and distress in his behaviour. She ventured to enquire about it but she was held mid-stride by people and other acquaintances and she totally failed in her attempts.

 Evening drew in long shadows and invited a soft glow of twilight. The indescribable colour in pink-purplish sky struck chord with a mystery that breathed in Satish. Ritu's bidaai ceremony came to a close with raised voices and cries embracing the finale of a beautiful occasion. Pleasure and pain like a mingled yarn arrested the senses and took everyone in its bosom. Orchestra music drowned in the cacophony of people muttering gracious congratulations and sweetened words. Maya took everything in but with a wistful gaze fixated on Satish. Once the commotion tapered, Maya inched forward and caught hold of his shirt tail. 

"Hey wait, where are you running? Okay tell me what happened? Why your face is overwrought?"

And before he could even brief, he was stopped by two uniformed-men looking similar to Satish's ilk. Satish was torn between them and Maya. His weak smile did not justify the emotions that swirled in his eyes. 

Maya lowered her gaze and turned back to supress her tumultuous storm that grew within her. Though she was in a sad haze, she pretended to hide her thoughts from the family that needed her, for the friends who were there for her and for the bride who saw her as a sister from another mother.

The following day (Maya's place) 

 It was 7 am. Still the sun did not rise sharply. Maya was tucked inside the soft-felt blanket. She was shivering. The crack of dawn did not bring the warmth that it promised to bring because the December winds overpowered and Maya felt good with the weight of blanket trying to secure herself from the onslaught of chilly winds that gushed from the windows.

 Maya lay in bed for some more time ruminating all that happened the day before. She was dropped by Anju and Manoj from the wedding venue. Her eyes were bedewed with tears that she couldn't partake in their jokes and light hearted stories from the wedding.

 Satish disappeared with the uniform clad men and did not turn up for the remainder of the function. Uncle and aunty stayed strong and did not let their emotion sway but Ritu had a meltdown after the send-off occasion. The war office was facing some conflicts. Surely, he couldn't have stayed but poor broken hearts, what do they understand?

  The telephone ring broke her reverie and Maya lifted her blanket to see the world. It was 8 am. "Who could be this time?", she pondered but before she could answer the ring, the phone grew silent. Maya's head did not feel right. She felt exhausted. Somehow, she held on to her diminishing strength to make a cup of tea for herself. Her family was not with her and she felt all alone. She thought of ringing her mother but thought against it as it will only alarm her poor mother. She wanted to see Satish. At least, one last time before he goes back to serve the nation but he was out of sight. Her head hurt so much that she started getting anxious. Her mind travelled to Satish and how he never thought of messaging her even once. When one is in a distress, our mind acts weird and all it does is take the fragile heart in a downward spiral.

 Maya's emotions did not let her dwell at peace. One second, she tried to understand his view and other second, she chided him in her mind for making her wait for his message and this went on till she became delirious. She kept pondering about the phone call that went unanswered when she heard the chime of her door bell. She leapt to her feet to answer.

  Her neighbour came with their keys.

 "Maya, how are you? Did your mom call? How was the wedding yesterday?"

 "Yes, aunty it was very good", spoke a voice before Maya could answer and engage her neighbour with niceties

  "Hey Satish, how are you boy? I am so happy to see you. Look at you, you have become a handsome man, haven't you?"

 The chatty neighbour dashed off in a hurry and melted in the office hour rush.

  Maya's eyes grew moist but her obstinacy won.

 "Hi Maya, how are you?", said Satish with soft eyes

 Before she could decipher his words and utter a reply, everything became blur and she fainted.

  "Goodness Maya, you are running a high temperature"

  "Satish, where did you disappear? Why did you not mess…?", Maya's voice trailed off

  "Our regimen is immediately sent to the front Maya. There is deep unrest going on in the war office and we don't know how things would be. It is unsettling for everyone at home especially mom who is still whimpering over my absence but that is the reality", Satish's said in a far-away tone

  Maya searched for the right words but she failed in her attempt.

"Quickly collecting his scattered thoughts, Satish ventured "Enough about me. Now eat this medicine and get some rest. If temperature persists, then we will have to call the doctor. Listen, do not budge from here."

  The fragments of the song that they loved flashed like a backdrop for the unsaid words that claimed a seat in both their hearts.

  "yun to solah saavan aaye gaye

 gaur nahin kiya hamne

  bheega man ka aangan is mataba

 kyu jaane kya kiya tumne.."

 

 Present Day

  "Why did I take the time for granted?", "Why was I embittered that day for no fault of him?", "Will I not be worried for my nation in the time of crisis?"

 Satish came for me that day but I did not receive him the way he should have. What if I had cared to make use of the little time that we had together? Many such thoughts raided her mind all these years. Like waves, they rose and fell, not reaching anywhere but melting within her.

  We cannot fathom the next nor we could foretell tomorrow but all we have is today, this point in time. The sun shines now; better make hay.

 Maya lay absorbed in her thoughts. She closed her eyes and replayed that day.

  That day continued….

 The gusty winds blew making the leaves sway with madness. Maya held the blanket close but having rested for a while, she opened the door to see Satish setting the table. Maya stood holding the door, her both hands rested on the door handle. Satish lifted his gaze and their eyes met. His weak smile mixed with unfathomable emotion and her bitterness; the resentment, engaged among each other for a second. Satish gestured her to come and sit for lunch. Disapprovingly, Maya shut the door against his face.

 Half an hour passed. The door opened. She felt sorry for her impetuous act to close the door on him after such kindness. She came outside and took a seat which was laid out for her. 

"The food has gone cold. I will reheat and get it", said Satish. His deep eyes were emotionless.

 Maya figured his pain but nothing gave her relief. Her pain, longing, heaviness that came from missing him, all felt huge than his pain. Time just flew by. 6 years without meeting him, her best friend in the whole world.

 She loved the food that he had prepared for her. Satish did all the talking. His laughs, animated expressions, all punctuated with a sigh of longingness, caressed Maya's bewilderment. He said how he got the recipe wrong and messed up and he did it all over again.

  "Satish, can you stay just for today?"

 Maya's words cut into the silence, hung there for a second, seared each other's hearts and melted in the rattle of rains.

 Deafening thunder rumbled overhead subsequently, making bucketful of water to fall.

 Satish bolted the windows and Maya rose to bring in the planters from the terraced window.

 "You sit, I will get them", said Satish comforting her Satish left to run few errands after she ate her food.

 When he came back, Maya was shivering with cold. He wrapped the blanket around her.

 Puddles of yellow glow from the candle shone on their faces, illuminating her angular features and his stern yet child-like face. They exchanged glances. Satish excused himself and got a pot of water to drown his pocket handkerchief and placed it on her forehead.

 "Tring, Tring", the telephone buzzed. Every ring rang with a purpose. Maya opened her eyes. Her dilemma laden face was hard to see. Satish held the receiver in disdain, his eyes searched hers but Maya lowered her gaze and drifted off to sleep. Maya fell asleep for almost an hour. She felt much better. The uneasiness had faded. She got up from the bed rejuvenated after a dreamless sleep. With a spring in her step, she scrambled to find Satish who was looking at mid-distance with a faraway look.

 "Satish", her smile disappeared as soon as her eyes fell on a suitcase that Satish's hands were holding. The reality flashed in front of her from the darker recesses of her mind.

  "Maya, I am sorry. The war office called. I have to leave", Satish got all choked up

 Silence has a strange character in itself and when the words hesitate to assert their existence, the morbid silence builds its nest. Maya looked in his eye but Satish avoided hers and both stood defeated by the growing silence.

  Maya willed herself not to cry. The handkerchief in her hand timely rescued from the onslaught of tears that were ready to stream down. She held his handkerchief in front of him. He took it and dashed off without tarrying any longer.

 Maya stood in a state of daze long after he disappeared from her horizon. 

Maya's place – 5 Months hence after Satish left for the front

  With a sense of foreboding, she opened the envelope. There was not one but two letters.

Numbed, frozen, petrified, stoned!

 How she was taught about accepting the feelings

 Back in school when she was exploring myriad emotions

 How the teacher with blue glasses and a smile that touched ear to ear said, "it is okay to feel not okay"

  But it isn't the same though

 The burden of universe's decree

 The pitfalls of reality, her head spun.

 As the envelope lay rested on the table

 The words within breathing an air of despair

 It is definitely not okay to feel not okay

 With pulse racing, heart pounding outside the chest and with every shred of comfort gone, her insides plunged

 Time stopped still. Maya felt the ground beneath her shaking violently enough to swallow her into its yawning chasm. The ground did not swallow her but the bitterness of the words in the letter, the enormity of the grief that lay in those words, did. The whole world came crashing down in an instant.

  Satish was dead. He lost his life along with several others in his regiment. A savage pain coursed through every nerve of her body.

  Her vision blurred and a strange disquiet seized her.

 Months galloped but Maya stood in the self-same spot as she was when she learnt about Satish's death. Devastated and lost, she shut herself completely from the outside world and gave herself to grief completely. Her art gathered dust and lay untouched for months. When her family and friends told her to stop grieving, she felt it cruel to even think about it. Satish was not going to be a distant memory, she thought and held her own counsel.

Present day

 Maya opened her eyes to finish the unfinished job. 

  Letter dated Feb 1989 continued…

By the way, I was happy that you had the food that I made for you. You did not tell me how it tasted but I know how you guzzled them. I would have commented the same 'Swallowed like an Elephant' but I swallowed those words. Or maybe I should have uttered, just to add a humour to the grave reality that stood between us, waiting to separate us.

You take care of yourself. And keep conjuring magic with your paintbrush. 

Forgot to tell you, the Bangalore house is ready. Now that Ritu is married and has a family of her own, mom and dad are planning to shift into their ancestral property. Convey my regards to uncle and Aunt. As there was crisis in the front, I couldn't write to your earlier. I don't know when but I will be taking an official leave for a good number of days and you will know the reason why. Hope to see you soon.

Your friend

Satish,

 This was the second letter that came that day. She had refused to read it at that time knowing that if she reads, she will lose herself even more in the swirling maelstrom and there will be nothing that will redeem her back to existence.

  But today, she worked up the courage and as she read each word, her tears streamed down in a hurry. She had summoned all her strength even at the darkest of times but enough of that. She smiled through her tears. Suddenly a heaviness that had arrested her heart got lifted. She wanted to hold on to these lines.

 It is okay to take sliver of someone and hold on to that especially if all that's you have, a voice echoed within her. She had read this somewhere. How true, isn't it?

  She has his letters and that is more than enough to savour his existence within her.

After few years….

  "Sometimes a turn comes unexpected and forces us to open our eyes where the light lay. And then that gentle light takes our hand to guide us and show us the jewel that is hidden from our sight. 

  Maya's life was shrouded in darkness, more so because she refused to look where the light lay. From the foggy recesses of her mind, memories crept back and assaulted her to no end. But one fine day, another huge storm brought an unexpected turn and made her reach to the hidden jewel.

Ragini, her sister who she adored, and her husband died in a car accident. Their 2-year-old daughter, Swara, lay unconscious in hospital gown. She was the apple of everyone's eyes and seeing her lie still and motionless tugged their heartstrings.

That day Maya's jewel loomed large in sight. 

  The turbulence within her reduced and she thought of remaining placid for this little human whose world had turned upside down.

When you are already in downward spiral, what pulls you from falling even more is kindness and empathy towards others. 

 And her empathy towards Swara set her on a road to recovery. Swara's twinkle and smile taught her a valuable lesson. If a person leaves, they do not take everything with them but they will live in each of us in the richness of memories. Ragini will live in Swara and Satish will live in her.

In no time, Swara clung to Maya. She gave a new lease of life to her wilted soul. Maya made her mind to bring up Swara. And both became a purpose and hope to each other. Maya slowly collected the pieces of her shattered soul. She drowned herself in painting and each of her works became a masterpiece.

Since months, she was hunting a place to set up a gallery of her own. A chance meeting with an old friend who was planning to sell her book shop, put her hunt to rest. She not only set up an art gallery but built a cozy corner for book worms and displayed some coveted titles.

  The business too was seeing the sunny days. Her paintings sold like hot cakes and she got busy with many collaborations, some to honour the social causes.

 Swara, now a sensible 12-year-old' ran her own book club within the gallery. A snug retreat for the art and book connoisseurs, she thought. They together shared a routine which she looked forward to each day. Her own Ikigai, she said it proudly to herself. 

 It was a beautiful crisp December morning. Maya dashed off to her gallery in an ivory skirt with lavender blouse. She quickly joined Swara who was lining up the paintings that were to be put up in OriginArt expo. She squealed with delight as soon as she saw Maya. Maya herself pinched herself hard as she did not believe herself. Today it was finally happening. OriginArt has asked her to showcase her paintings in the Annual Expo. A thrill of excitement shot through her veins.

 Within an hour, the stage was set. OriginArt was hosting an exhibit for artists across cities. Maya's paintings and artworks were gleaming in dazzling colours and shades. She chose earthy tones and pastel colours which gave her works an element of simplicity and each breathed a whiff of fresh air. Artist gives a piece of their own self in the art they produce. And when they do that, their work shines the brightest, even the whole canopy of stars cannot match up to the shine. And Maya's works were an extension of her persona. 

 She fidgeted like a cat seeing the growing stream in the venue.

  "Maya ma, don't worry, your paintings are lovely", comforted Swara suddenly donning the hat of an adult.

 Maya loved to hear 'Maya ma'. It rang so sonorous to her ears. Swara had always reminded her of her sister Ragini. Glad that she was turning out to be ever-so-sensible girl like her mother, unlike Maya who was naïve in her girlhood days. But Maya managed well especially pulling herself from bootstraps and setting up her own gallery, isn't it? She gave a silent pat to herself. Satish would have been very happier, said she with a hint of smile, mainly because he saw an artist in her before she realized herself.

 A loud cacophony broke her reverie. A college group, barely in teens, stood in front of her paintings. Maya and Swara inched forward to join them. Some more students jostled and jockeyed to get a glimpse of the pictures.

 "Wow, look at this. What do you think, Sam?", asked a girl in specks who was so tall that she towered over everyone

  "Yes, it is so beautiful. Look at the shades and the colour scheme", answered Sam, her eyes fixated on the painting.

 Clearly, they were discussing about that painting which she holds dear above all. The one in Jaiskishan garden where Maya stuck her tongue out and Satish with his child-like grin.

  Maya smiled fondly at the memory.

  One of the girls told "the two kids are enjoying their summer vacation in the garden"

 "No, they are siblings. Look at their eyes. They must have come to the garden with their parents one evening", ventured the nerdy one

 "The girl looks mean but I love the boy", chimed another

  "Wait, let me set a plot for this picture", said a girl who looked like a twin to the nerdy boy

  Maya and Swara enjoyed the ceaseless banter as the group spun myriad tales around her painting.

 They shared a knowing smile. The group might weave many stories but they both indulged in their own secret, with eyes brimming with happiness.

Epilogue

Maya and Swara chose to live with the bits and pieces of their past. They followed their heart's wish. Their past wallowed in the brilliant azure sky like a warm sunshine and not as inky dark clouds. Maya still had Satish's letters and they were her trail of crumbs to connect to her past which her heart chose to not let go.

 "Not letting go is heart's wish. Letting go is also heart's wish. Letting go but holding on to sliver of someone is also heart's wish. In the end it is all 'Manmarziyan'"