Make Every Day Count

I had never given anything precious to me to someone who was a complete stranger. Not that it is a benchmark for anything. But, just an observation… It’s a vague feeling you know… being able to be the bigger person, rather wanting to be the bigger person and choosing to be one when you are given an opportunity.

A year and a half back or so I was on a voyage of sorts, struggling to find myself, find peace, find my balance… I went places which I don’t even know if I was supposed to go to. But sometimes when I reflect back on those times it just sort of makes sense… What amazes me is how did I do those things. Was it really me or was it someone else? It was as if I was living my life on a fast track, doing everything all at once. It was kinda fun I must say… But there are times I feel how protected and blessed I was all that time. I went out to unknown places with strangers, lived with complete nerds, and struggled to fight some real difficulties about myself… all at once.

There were too many things I feel I didn’t do right then and very often I feel about making them right now. But I know I cannot. Not always does life give you a second chance and in a way, I am comforted in the realization that I was not the one who was completely wrong. There were several influential factors…

So… I was talking about being able to give away something precious to a complete stranger. I have done that once. I gave away my pair of expensive glasses to a friend so that she could use the frame. I don’t know what I was doing but it just felt right then and even now. I had bought them just a month ago and had hardly used them. But then she met me once and shared that she had to buy a new pair and I felt it's better I give it to her. Boy… she was so happy! I still remember that day…

Isn’t life made of such small instances? Well, it’s made of the larger things too. But these small things lead to them I feel. At least for me! I’ve never wanted bigger things in life… It’s the small ones that make me feel at home, make me comfortable. I believe in having humble beginnings and growing my way through life enjoying every moment of the journey! I have always been like that. That’s the reason why I have very few regrets in life. That’s why I will not be an unhappy person when I die. I will embrace it in every possible way. If life is a gift, then I have used it wisely... The only regret I may have is not being able to fulfill all the dreams that I had. And boy… there is a tonne you know!

These days I really feel life is such a precious gift… Every moment wasted is a crime. Thankfully I never myself wasted any moments in my life. But unfortunately, a lot many years of my life were wasted because of certain people in my life. But I did not even let that happen. I resisted it and I am happy that I did. Even in those difficult hellish years, I made as much productive use of my time, chiseling my inner core so that I could maintain my sanity and sanctity. I created a lot of art… And that makes me so happy… Today, I realize that they were there in my life to make me realize that I needed to do it. It was long overdue!

Interestingly… during this struggle, I also met a lot of strangers who sometimes appreciated me and at others, criticized me, and very few of them were genuine in their association with me. I know who they are… I want to thank those strangers. When I reflect on my life, it is a compilation of a lot of insights that I received from these strangers and I am sincerely grateful to them. How many times do we really thank a stranger who helps us on a train or a bus or on the road? Okay! They are strangers and mostly we are in a hurry when these people do things for us that are worthy of appreciation and since we do not know them, it is difficult to be genuine in our emotions. Hmm … That’s the catch! It is difficult to be genuine because we are not present in that moment when a stranger is helping us. Do we really look at that person or the act in isolation or do we react from an encrusted perspective that has emerged from our experiences? Well, is it not natural to do so? It is. But then does it really help is the larger question.

By-gones are bygones and I am treading a new path in my life feeling content that I met some of those people along the way… As it is rightly said, “Live your life in moderation…” I wouldn’t want to meet anymore, yet, I appreciate the potential for change that existed within me which these people helped me tap into. I would not have done it by myself… I don’t feel lost or selfish because I know that I too gave them a sense of my being, parts of which they have adapted and are mostly living a better life as a result than they did before. And because I know they will never appreciate my presence in their life as they never did in the past, which I do not expect them to anymore, I finally feel a sense of release!

I think life is about bettering ourselves as humans above anything else really. Have always believed that! And, if being with someone brings you down and does not help you improve yourself as a human, by all means, you have the right to move away from such people. You do not need to justify anything to anyone. Just make your life count! That is all that matters...

At times I do wonder if I have made each day of my life count. Well, I can say I tried... But many times it wasn't possible because of a lot of not-like-minded people with whom I was forced to put up with even when I had expressed that I didn't want to. I did not have a choice. I was forced to be with a group of friends, family, relatives, and mentors that I really hate. They say hate is a big word. I say no. Hate is a very distinct emotion and one needs to respect it for oneself if not anyone else. You cannot feel hate just like that. Just like you cannot feel love. So, when you respect love, why shouldn't you respect hate? Logical right? 

I really don't know why am I still stuck with these people? 

I really don't know if there is anything more that I need to learn after all the suffering that I have already endured. 

I really don't know if there is something that I need to change in me so that my life becomes fine... I really don't know... 

All I know is that I am really tired and I surrender...

Much love,

Soulstar