Lose Control - Lost Forever
Lose Control - Lost Forever
Every morning you wake up with all terrific hopes of possibilities in life, dreams to uncover, world to travel, things to enjoy and the list goes on.
You are beyond confidence that your life is blessed and an awesome one. You are so sure that everything in your life is in your control. Of course, why not. You have a good job, a beautiful house to live; rented so what you can at least come home and sleep in peace. You have sufficient balance throughout the month to order you favourite food, go to movies, join music class or yoga or meditation just to keep your options open. You have just enough for all small and beautiful dreams that gives happiness. Attend parties or just lay back and watch your favourite shows or just read your favourite novel or keep dreaming of a loving partner..
Plan your dreams one step at a time, because you think life is in your control. My life my rules.
Then rings your new OnePlus5t, which you bought recently on credit as you wanted the best phone in your hand. Mommy calling pops up on the screen.
You pick up the phone will full enthusiasm -- Good Morning Maa..and she starts weeping.
Months pass by and one fine morning when you breath in the air and try to feel the freshness in it but can't. Rather find it ridiculously damp and scary, beauty of nature has been robbed. Everything is as it is but nothing is. You cant feel the warmth any more, things that made so much sense few months back are so irrelevant now.
The life that you though is in your control is actually lost.
Nothing like the stories of Facebook posts which you read that you travel alone and once you are back things have shifted. You have become the new you. Those are merely for the post that gives you your adrenaline rush momentarily and you feel that it's my life my rule.
To everyone's sad surprise that never the case. Reality strikes so freaking hard that you are completely numbed. You are awake but in a crazy dream land from which you badly want to run away wake yourself up and scream for help and wish you never have such painful dream. Alas, it's reality and not a dream you are awake and not asleep. You are not screaming loud because no one cares nor can you scream and wake yourself up so that the painful situation is all gone.
Pain is deeper than you can think of. The pain that you get when you hurt yourself is physical and can be treated and bared. Have you thought about the one that can't be expressed - let me describe it for you.
You close your eyes and can feel the chocking, you open your eyes and can feel the strangling. Ah, much much deeper than these.. You can feel everything but feel nothing. You are doing everything but actually nothing. You are eating but not sure why. You are sleeping but always deprived of it. You are doing household works to keep the wheels moving and still cannot fix your emotions. You do your office work daily sincerely but that doesn't make any bit of sense to you. You are there but you are not. You can hear everything but nothing. You can feel everything but nothing. You can see everything but nothing.
This is the real pain when you are so badly trapped in your own mind that no one can help. This is what happens when you suddenly come to know that the one person you love most is detected with Cancer and might not walk though.
This is the real pain when you suddenly realize that she might not be around forever.. guiding you, telling you what's right and wrong, telling you everything you don't seem to know somehow.
Trust me you just can't express it when you know your mom's a cancer patient. All you can do is start fighting with God just the way you would have to save yourself from drowning. Ever seen a live fish just caught out of water exactly similar. My loving God just then seems to turn a deaf ear and his loud music makes you go lunatic.
Laugh but no laugh, tears but no cry, talking but no sense. Nothing is important any more. It is a the most weirdest feeling in the world the can never be fixed. You are surrounded by everyone but nothing feels. This is the feeling I think you get when you have lost your sense organs.
After lots of research to self help oneself I found that only constant prayers and spiritual practices is what you can hold on to. But know one thing for sure - It's loose control and not in your control. So never try to control it, it'll strip you off everything. The lost that can never be found.
Not sure if anything can help and troubles stay tuned for details in the next chapter.