I Should Stand

"Nani", I yelled from the bathroom. She was getting ready for her work. Rushing, she dressed me up, moved me to the kitchen. Breakfast was ready on the table. She hurriedly grabbed some bread-jam and began to utter about what not to do the whole day. 

 I have been watching her gulping her breakfast since we came back. It has been more than 5 years. After I had a car accident and had to cut my legs off, I am in a wheelchair. Her life had been a race since then. Every day, I watch her hurrying, working day and night, worrying about me all the time. She even disagreed to marry and start a family. I wish she would change her decision but I am unable to tell her this directly. I even cannot distinguish the difference between fear of being lonely and fear of being a disabled person. I feel solely responsible for her situation.

 After she comes home in the evening, dirty dishes await her. A long evening without rest, taking care of a disabled sister, and listening to her , she spends most of her time with me. On holidays, we visit parks, go to movies and shopping. I feel alive when she stays with me. My inner voice tells me I am doing wrong but I can do nothing about my own circumstance. During workdays, after she goes to the office, I eat my breakfast and put the dishes in the sink. Believe me, I always desire to clean them. I push myself to my table where a diary rests along with a potted tiger plant. I touch its striped leaf. It gives me the feeling of walking in the garden. Then, I close my eyes, take a long deep breath, and begin to write.

 I wonder how people can write so easily about emotions. I wish to write how I feel about her every day, how I am thankful for each second of her life which she had chosen to spend with me. I want to tell the world how my sister whom I used to consider a little girl, has been a mother to me. I want to be courageous enough to console her when sadness touches her. I wish to celebrate every day with her, wish to go to dinners, meet her family, play with her children and cry with her during hardships but, when she denies these things, I never put effort to convince her. I become a selfish sister, who is too afraid of being alone that she does not care about her sister’s life.  I am longing for the day when I would be finally strong enough to ask her to live her own life. I would be the happiest person that day.

 I hope to be able to stand on my own feet. Therefore, I initiated writing in newspapers and magazines. I wrote children’s books and many more. I am involved in many organizations where people like me join together for helping each other. I even got recognition from the national newspapers. They say what I write makes them forget about their situations. Still, there are some moments where I wish to forget about my own life. However, I am not going to lose hope for the sun to rise in her life again. Not for myself, but for my little one, I should stand up again to fulfil her dreams, desires and wishes. I should not quit in the name of all the sisters in the world. I should not stop. I should not!