… Happily Ever After Or NOT! - Priyanka Joshi-More

It had been 7 years since I have been married to Gaurav, but on our seventh anniversary, I gave him the best gift. I met Gaurav for the first time when I had joined my new job in Bangalore. I had changed my city as I wanted a change of place after an emotionally tormenting heartbreak. Initially, Gaurav and I became co-worker friends. We had a lot in common, as we both came from middle-class families from Maharashtra, just that our cities were different. We had similar tastes in music, movies, food and outlook on life. Gradually I realized that he was interested in me but I did not want to rush in taking things to the next level. 

I was never a slim girl and always had obesity issues, for which I was always nagged by my mother that I will face problems in my future, especially in marriage to get a husband and then to have babies. But I never really paid attention to it, because it was all about the future, which had not yet come. Food had always been my weakness, when I was happy, I ate; when I wanted to celebrate, I ate; when I was nervous, I ate; and after my break-up, food, especially sugar, became my soul-soother. But it is not that I never tried to lose weight I did and many times succeeded also. But somehow, my first love (food) always found me back. The cherry on the top, I was also diagnosed with PCOD (polycystic ovarian disease), which affects many women across the globe.

Since I had been nagged and made into believing that the one thing that pleased me (food) would be the biggest hindrance in my marriage, I believed that maybe I would never have a husband and a marriage and with my diagnosis of the disease and my irregular cycles, this feeling grew stronger. 

When Gaurav showed interest in me, I declined at first as I had just faced a heartbreak, that though was not directly related to my weight issues - as my ex never mentioned it, but could have been indirectly related to it - I never really asked him. But Gaurav was persistent. He kept assuring me that he was not interested in only dating me but also in marriage, and the fact that he was interested in marrying me knowing not just about my past but my weight, my heartfelt he is Mr Right! So after nearly 2 years of dating when he once again suggested that we were right for each other and should get married, I said yes!

 After both families met, they decided on a date for the wedding. During the time we had for preparations, his family suggested that we go wedding shopping. First, his parents decided to take me jewellery shopping. At the jewellers, searching for the perfect ring was difficult as I had fat fingers. I needed a big size ring and none of the elegant ones fit me. His parents were a bit displeased as a ring had to be made on order and it was not like the ones that they had in mind. Second, his mother and sister decided to take me for wedding reception outfits. His mother and sister took me to buy sarees. His mother stated that if finding a ring for my size was so difficult, it would even more difficult to find me a ready-made garment. Slightly irked at her remark, I decided to let it go as I felt she had some dreams about her son’s wedding and they were not fulfilled. It was difficult for middle-class families to accept a ‘love marriage’. 

We were married within 2 months and it was an exciting moment as a new page of life had just been turned. The first year of marriage was blissful. We shifted to Maharashtra, to be near our families. As the years passed, gradually the families started to suggest adding a third new member in the family. My family also wanted it, but his family wanted it more than anything. Although we had decided mutually that for 3 years we wouldn’t think about starting a family, our marriage was to complete 3 years in the coming months so we started thinking on those lines too.

His mother always suggested that I shed some kilos so as to get pregnant hence Gaurav and I decided to join the gym. He suggested that if he came along it would motivate me. We went to the gym and simultaneously tried to conceive, but it bore no results. So we decided to seek medical help. Visiting my Ob-Gyn, who looked at my background and some tests, proved that my PCOD was to blame for it. So we required some medical help as natural conception without medication was not possible for us. I started with the tablets and certain diet restrictions. For the first three months, I took it enthusiastically, but gradually I began feeling like I was losing something. It was a strange feeling, as people always said to me that once I start losing weight, I would feel more confident about myself and love myself. But it was the opposite. Although at work I got a promotion and raise in salary, I still felt defeated, as on the conception front there was no success. 

As more months passed without any success, the Ob-Gyn asked whether we would like to try artificial methods. Before we got in the process, both Gaurav and I had to take tests. While my report results were the same as always, Gaurav’s samples exposed motility issues. The Ob-Gyn prescribed him some multivitamins, which Gaurav reluctantly took. 

Meanwhile, his sister’s marriage was also fixed. Gaurav’s mother and I took her to the wedding shopping, but she wanted to buy a gown or lehenga for the engagement and not a saree. His mother suggested I should also buy a gown or lehenga to wear at the occasion as I am the Bhabhi (sister-in-law), but there was nothing that fit me. We tried searching in a few more shops but no luck. At the next shop we entered, his sister asked for sarees, saying that only sarees would be available in my size. Though I felt hurt at the remark, I remained calm. She was engaged and married with a full gala. Those two days I forgot all about my problems and worries.

After 6 months of going through rigorous treatments and procedures, there was no luck. Gaurav and I had begun fighting more often. Whenever we went to meet Gaurav’s folks, they only had one thing to say, ‘get pregnant, have children.’I explained to his mother each time that we were trying and working on it. It was an expensive affair and not as simple as it seemed to them. To make matters worse, his sister who had just married 6 months back, announced her pregnancy. 

We tried artificial methods which had some very strict medical procedures to follow, such as days when I had to inject myself with hormonal injections on my abdomen, heavy medications that started taking a toll on my health and mood. My weight had started to increase too. Gaurav was reluctant to take his medications as he was adamant to accept that there was something wrong with him. His family also thought the same. Whenever his family met my family, the only thing they could talk about is how essential it was for us now, being 6 years together, to have kids. It was like no one understood how hard it was for Gaurav and me. 

My frustration only grew over the period of time. The medications, the failures, the diet and all the constant arguments I had with Gaurav, as he never accepted that there could be any defects in him but were mine, which angered me more. I knew it was hard for him, I felt he was suffering too as he loved babies, more than I did. But his attitude was making it very difficult for me. I had constant mood swings and there were days I just cried in the shower. Gradually, we began to say things we had never said to each other. He told me I was irresponsible regarding my health and I should have cared about it more when I was young. I would often scream and shout at him also. Instead of matters recovering, they worsened over time. I quit trying and taking medications. When he inquired I replied that I was fed up with trying and I did not want babies any longer. He tried to persuade me saying that I was giving up but I refused. Gaurav became furious and did not speak to me for weeks. 

One day while I was at work, I received a message from Gaurav that his parents took his sister to the hospital as she was in labour. I reached the maternity hospital from work, by then she had already given birth to a daughter. When her in-laws received the news that a daughter had been born, they did not turn up to see the baby nor their daughter-in-law at the hospital. A day later, her husband came and took them home. That night, when we returned home, Gaurav asked me whether I changed my mind about what I said earlier and was ready to try again. I explained to him that it was me who had to stake everything, I had to give up things, I had to change, I had to do all the effort, I had to suffer mood swings, I had to bear the pains of needles and medication, I had to go through it all, adding to the emotional torture and bearing the pressure at work. He had nothing to lose, and since I had to do all that, I simply refused to do it anymore. Gaurav said that I was running away from my duties as a wife and daughter-in-law. I replied that he was failing me as a husband, by not understanding my feelings, my pain and the torture I was going through which was not just physical but mental too. 

Hearing me, Gaurav gave me 2 options - either I keep trying for kids or he would leave me. I looked at him, stunned for a while, but I got up and smiled. I chose the second option. Finally, on our 7th Anniversary, we signed our divorce papers. It was the best gift we could have given each other.