The night was flying like a wingless butterfly in my dreams. Then one boy came and woke me up. I got irritated and saw the time. It was 11.30pm. I just got angry at him suddenly and asked him the reason. It was the day before my social studies exam. It was 22nd March, 2019. As I was quite tensed about my exam I took my sleep very early. Still, I got disturbed. Then that boy told me that I was called by seniors. I just asked why. He said snacks. I got my answer.
From the very beginning, I am totally fearless about these hostel matters. Then from the day to till date I have never made compromise with false ideas, injustice. So I was completely fearless. Then I went there. What I saw that my eyes couldn't believe. My brain stopped responding for a while. I just drank water and before they would start I just said if any one of you is without any intention then you can go. All of them remained there. I just told them sorry for what is going to happen not for that what has been happened. Like CID they just asked me questions and I answered very frankly. They made guesses about me. But they were such fools that not even a single guess was correct. I was still smiling up-to that time when some of the people started asking me questions from who I never expected. Then I just asked them “do you know me? Do you know what I have done in these past years? If not then who are you to put a question?" ended like anything. And unexpectedly tears came out of my eyes. I shouted the most and I just got angry up-to the most and questioned the things that came to my mind. and the just answered like they want.
I just gave them what they wanted and warned them that they would have to pay for this someday in their life. I just shouted at the up-voice I could. Before they would speak something I just said shut up you bloody fellows. I was at the top of my anger and was just like a half mad fellow. And then the original chapter started . my thinking was there is no one to control my anger then someone caught me and told not to shout. I just shout on him and then he again told me not to shout. the third time I felt the healing of anger and I couldn't believe how this happened. for the first time, I got out of anger so soon and I cried a lot. I just made my all hatred out by writing poems and couldn't sleep that night. I completely forgot that the next day was my exam and I need to be stable.
Then I tried a lot but couldn't sleep. Then just opened the question bank and read only 2 to 3 questions from each chapter and it was 3.00am. Likely time flew away and I got ready for the exam . I was completely tensed as nothing was in my brain and then my inner voice told me to have faith in god and move on. I meditated for a while and promised to myself to score better than everyone's expectation on me. and when I got my question paper and I found 72 marks questions I read that night. I was completely shocked and then I wrote the answers to every question. It was half time of exam and only 2 questions were left about which I didn't have any concrete idea. I was totally frustrated that nothing came to my mind except that last night scenes. I took permission and went out and made me chill and then wrote the answer. exam was over and I checked my answers and I found everything to the point ant correct. then I just realized that if that incident might not happen then I must have to cry at that time. then I thought if I came to give test at anger might be I couldn't have done so well. so I searched that guy whole campus but couldn't found that day and couldn't thank him.
I realized there is something called healing capacity and that's found in only cool minded fellows and from that day I learned to control my anger at most. might be it's a coincidence for you but it's nothing more than a miracle for me and I scored 80 out of 80 in social studies. Thank god to teach me the life lesson and to that guy whom I couldn't thank that guy that day and after that day.
Hence I was in the conclusion of the retrospection that there is something called good motive and healing capacity in some guys and in whom you found these things you should care and respect them.
And that is happening in JNV life in hostels there is a goodwill of god after all the worst incident you face.
RETROSPECTION 2 AND 3
Someone said " a leader is not born, they are made." likely I too made the leader of my institution. But I didn't know the harmful consequences. that day was 28th of the august and the 2nd day of being the school prefect and I was just discussing the things we should buy for the decoration of Ganesh Chaturthi with I have much more duties to write applications. Yup writing application is also a great task as it is one of the ways to impress the authority and it takes a lot of time to think and write an application.
As there your words will tell your manner and your character. But it was going in class and we have to gossip. And for the first time, I didn't notice the presence of the teacher and I was completely fearless as I took permission from the teacher to come to the last bench and discuss. Then suddenly the teacher stood and just shouted like anything and left the class. I was so fooled in doing my works that , that incident too doesn't matter me. Then some of my classmates told me to go with them to apologize from sir. I went to staff room and before apologizing to sir I just asked sir could he tell us the reason for which he left the class. Then I was countered by senior most teacher of the institution and I just struck end like a dumb. how can I go against my inspiration? Then I just thought about myself what I have done. And I realized that I was totally right. So I begged that sir not to interrupt. then I asked sir" if by taking permission I was wrong, then sorry", that moment I was at the final level of the emotion, I couldn't control my tears and I didn't want to do so. At that moment my feelings were destroyed by abusing me and my feelings false. might be they couldn't see the difference between true and false tears. I just left that room and returned to my class.
A few moments later...
As we are from the science stream and matter went to our class teacher ; the teacher I don't know as others know. he came to our class with that teacher and another teacher and made us stand and started blasting like a volcano of anger and hardheartedness on us. I was questioned that what was happening in class. I said I was at last bench and I took permission to discuss about that puja. then I was abused like anything and for the first time, I heard the word hero in a negative sense. They left that class and one teacher left to manage all the things and while he managing the whole class I just told him that I don't want to be the prefect of the institution by which I will be abused like anything without any of my mistake. He couldn't manage me still it relived me as he took my side and spoke. At last I have to manage myself. At that time class captain stood up and asked everyone to go out and beg pardon to sir. Why only captains will be abused always. We went to the staff room for the second time and that time everyone was asking me not to open my mouth but that teacher wanted to listen to it from me. Then I just said to him politely that' you must have warned sir. This is not a big matter. sorry, but if I have any problems then please tell me."
And this made me the for 2nd retrospection that whatever you are be that and promise to show the time that you have that capacity to make everything right if and only if you are in the right way.
after 5 months everything was quite changed. The prospect of looking life and theme of writing poems. that time was the time I started writing in English and from a free verse. I was in a way to inspire the society by my poems and likely I made a relationship called brotherhood with one of my seniors. And that started from a chow-min party where he just invited me to eat and as I was quite sleepy I ate most . from that day I don't know why he started caring for me and a bond created that made us do everything together. We slept at one bed talking like anything without topic up to the late night. one day our housemaster saw us sleeping and commented by thinking that I slept. but his comment was so bad that when I remember that it just makes me silent and think the reason for the comment . The next day he called me to his chamber and asked " where were you Rudra last night?" I said " sir, please don't make me fool. I heard you commenting about that subh mangal. " he just interrupted and said, " you have changed." I just said that " you have changed sir. One day you supported me and I thought that you are so good that you have faith in me and I had that faith in you. "
And that day I was at the end of retrospection 3 that everything we think fake is not fake and everything we think real is not real.
The house master is that teacher who supported me that day.
RETROSPECTION: 4 AND LAST
I think it's the most emotional episode of my hostel life ever. I have no words to explain this sill am writing this and I don't know the conclusion.
I don't know when this bond started but I know when it started becoming weaker and weaker making me helpless. so, let's start.......
From that chowmein party to 19th March we were two brothers but after that, due to the Covid-19 pandemic I have to return home and the same with him too. But the interesting thing is his absence hurts me a lot that I just started crying when it was one month for the exam. from that day I stopped talking to him like anything and one day at night he asked me what happened. I had no words, only tears in my eyes and that explained everything. again one night we were discussing the future and that time driver started the topic of losing all the relationships and that time I became silent. He checked my chicks and it was wet then he just hugged me tightly and said:" I am not going to leave you."
Later we had fights and compromises but that day came which day I have never thought about. the day of leaving the school, but being the school captain I was so busy that I couldn't spend my last moments with him. as board exams were canceled I thought he will come again to give an exam then we will enjoy it. And I was so happy and overexcited to see the board exam fixed in July. after some days CBSE decided to not change the district for the mini migration students. He was from another district and I was completely helpless, stricken with silence and an unusual fear of not meeting with him. Still, we were connected in social media and we were calling and talking daily to each other. one day he stopped calling and I waited for the call and after 17 days he called. the days were going on and the talk was not as previous. The time came he stopped replying; I mean replying just hmm, ooo, after 5 or 6 hours. Still I am on my way and texting him. My 1st good morning is always for him and goodnight also. Still, his silence hurts me a lot...
Here is a poem for him.. as he likes silence the most..
Some say silence to be the most powerful weapon to change the world
Some say it to be a god
Yes, it is god
God who can’t fulfill any wish
Can’t encourage anybody
Can’t create a good future
Only kills the nurturing thoughts
Developing in mind of somebody for some one
Creating all types of frustrations
Being the god of death
In the valley of helplessness.
That's all what I want to say..
Remember me if you can..
Wish you all the best
For your future ……………………………………………………………….
That time I was caring you and today too I care for you
And what I told came true
And now I am in my 4th retrospection that if our intentions are pure we will not lose anyone . And am never going to lose him. ND is always with RND.
But the last retrospection is all the feelings that made me cry daily before I sleep. Those sweet moments of bike ride, the tight hugs, and calling each other in other names made me so emotional and the massage I used to do made me cry. Still, I would say from non-stop conversation to only checking the profile and last seen will make the bond loose that we wanted to make forever. And that's the last retrospection I have in Navodaya life as nothing to retrospect more. I have lost all of my expectations. Still am in my motto that care is the only thing to heal the world.