Clair De Lune

The Bergamasque, which consists of four movements, is one of the many famous piano suites of French composer Claude Debussy. 

The most well-known part of Suite Bergamasque is the third movement, titled "Clair de lune," meaning moonlight.

It took Debussy 15 years to compose it.

The onset of the Jazz era almost drove the piece to oblivion, before it caught the public's attention many years after the composer's death.

Today Clair De Lune is included in the soundtrack of various movies, TV shows, and advertisements.

It's use in films include being a key part of James Dean's final motion picture, Giant, the scene outside the Bellagio's fountains in Ocean's Eleven, and the background score during the climax of Twilight's first installment.

While various interpretations of the piano piece are available online, none of them in particular has been accepted as the standard one.

The inspiration behind the title too has been debated ever since it's inception.

*** 

Tanmay Chauhan never cared much about the interpretations of piano pieces.

He rarely even listened to them.

He had far more important stuff to think about.

***

Dark clouds covered Gurgaon's skyline on 23rd January 2019 - The day when November 2018's CA final results were announced.

It was also the day when Tanmay Chauhan died.

***

A cold breeze blew past the Gurgaon landscape at roughly 7 PM that evening.

Like always, Tanmay Chauhan walked with both his hands inside his hoodie's pockets.

Usually there'd always be a dog barking in the vicinity.

Vehicles honking in the distance.

Some lady screaming at her kids, this time of the day.

But the dogs were all asleep that evening.

And the vehicles were stuck in a jam.

The mother and her kids were on vacation, perhaps.

The only two sounds that could be heard were those of Tanmay Chauhan's footsteps on the grass and that of the wind whistling through the trees.

The railway track was 20 minutes away from his house if you took a right from the eagle statue past the cemetery.

Barely 12 if you took the route that led through the unkempt YTR garden, the gates of which went creee when Tanmay Chauhan opened them.

His hair wet from the drizzling, his Woodlands caked with mud, Tanmay Chauhan walked through the tall blades of green almost holding on to them for support.

He hadn't been eating much since the past couple of months.

Not sleeping well either.

Probably 3-4 hours a night.

Though he'd keep lying on his bed for maybe 12 or 13.

The sun had gone down long ago, but he had his Raybans on.

He never took them off outside the house.

So much so that he came to be identified with them.

Tanmay? Who?

Tanmay Chauhan?

The guy with the shades right?

Right.

It really wasn't that bad, the burn.

But you take a real good looking guy, I'm talking drop dead gorgeous here, and give him the ugliest scar a centimeter below his left eye.

He is bound to notice a change in his surroundings is what I'm saying.

For six months post the accident, Tanmay Chauhan didn't even step out of his bedroom.

He'd just stay home and daydream all day about his past.

And his face before the accident.

Whenever he stepped out of the house, nobody saw him without those oversized green Raybans.

"Conjunctivitis" He'd say, to whosoever was interested.

Then rush like a hitman from the crime scene.

So during the final exams of my first semester, when I was told that Tanmay Chauhan had shifted to BCom correspondence and had decided to pursue CA, I wasn't the least bit surprised.

Firstly it was a correspondence course, which made sense.

He wouldn't have to go out in public and would also get a degree.

Secondly what I believe is that extremely good looking guys are used to a daily dose of validation.

When they lose their charms this dose becomes weaker.

The lacking validation, they obtain from other sources, which once they obtain, turns them into exactly how confident they were before.

I have known such people.

Older cousins, friends of friends.

Extremely goodlooking people.

Premature aging, regular aging, excessive bloating due to excessive alcohol, regular bloating due to occasional alcohol.

Once their looks take a hit, you think they'll never feel as good about themselves as they used to.

But they do.

They just change their spectrum of judging themselves.

Ever since 2014, Tanmay Chauhan's life revolved around the Chartered accountancy profession.

That was all he thought about.

It was the only source of pride, ego, self-respect, validation for him.

In a way, he was trying to neutralize the impact of the accident scar by the potential CA tag.

It was obvious, not just to me but to everyone who knew him.

What intrigued me like other people of our batch was whether or not he'd be able to pull it off.

***

Tanmay Chauhan knew his result much before it was formally released.

Watching it online was just a formality for him.

He was never wrong about his exam scores, even when he was in school.

And neither was he wrong this time around.

Hence his decision to kill himself wasn't an impromptu one.

It was well thought of.

Rotary local was going to pass through the track in exactly 15 minutes from now

Under the wheels of which, Tanmay Chauhan's miserable life was to end.

He had been planning it for a month and a half now.

Coming here on a daily basis to observe his end passing him by, promising to take him along soon.

*** 

Like every day, he took a seat on the rusty brown bench and smoked while listening to music.

He had forgotten his earphones at home so he kept the mobile upside down on the iron bench, with the speakers facing upwards.

After ashing the cigarette he sat back and stared at the sky.

Tiny water droplets clung to his back and neck as he gazed at the clouds which, like everything is seen from behind his shades appeared greenish.

He opened the voice recorder on his phone and pressed the red circle.

In the last four years, he had recorded around 1200 voice notes.

Mostly consisting of rants about how shallow people are, how unfair life is, how ugly he appeared to himself in the mirror.

When he cleared his CA intermediate they were usually about his determination to clear the finals too.

Once he appeared for the finals, they mostly consisted of his suicide plan.

The method, the name of the train, the time of arrival of Rotary Express, the time of departure of Tanmay Chauhan.

In a way, his life over these five years could be traced via the notes inside his phone.

But who would want to do that?

Not him for sure.

"There is nothing left to say now" Tanmay Chauhan declared and ended his last audio recording.

Then deleted all the voice notes with a single stroke of thumb.

The railway line was curved at a distance of around 400 meters from the bench.

The train must have been around 500 meters from that point where it would turn left in his direction.

That's when he decided to stand up.

His stomach felt uneasy and a part of him was still finding reasons not to do it as he walked towards the track.

But he knew it was just a fleeting thought.

"So this is how it ends" he turned around to look at the landscape.

Green grass swaying along with the January wind carrying the fragrance of wet soil.

Rain growing dense every second.

The late evening sky casting the darkest shade of blue hue on the city.

He glanced at his mud-caked shoes, then finally at the train.

After making the turn, it approached in his direction now, it's circular headlights making it look like a huge snake with yellow eyes.

"Dont worry you did a good job" he patted himself on the back "You really did," he said "I'm proud of you"

"Very few people could have survived these 4 years, very few indeed"

The train approached closer.

"But from here on, I am afraid I'll have to manage on my own.

You were a great help, but you were too afraid.

Your fear got me this far, credit must be given where it is due.

But from here on I must take over.

You see, your natural stance is to hide from the world.

To avoid it.

But I cannot do that you know.

I cannot resist the world.

I need a couple of things from it 

I need a sleek black Sedan.

You know.

A beautiful loving wife who reads Dostoyevsky on its passenger seat.

A son and a daughter, innocent like puppies.

Who'd tell their friends in the school bus that their father is a goddamn achiever you know.

Because guess what?

He is one.

I am one.

And a stupid scar won't dictate my life.

Till the time I am alive, I deserve to live brother.

What else can I say?

And for me to live, you must die."

***

When Rotary Express's headlights illuminated the track in front of him, Tanmay Chauhan removed his aviators and tossed them on the railway track.

Then staggered backward.

"Goodbye, Tanmay Chauhan" CA Tanmay Chauhan whispered.

"May you find peace" he nodded as the Raybans crumbled under the wheels of the train.

***

The drizzle had turned into the rain with the occurrence of nightfall.

It had been half an hour since the train had passed the track.

CA Tanmay Chauhan sat on the bench listening to the Philadelphia Orchestra version of Claire De Lune.

He wasn't sure if his phone was waterproof but he didn't care much about it.

The dogs had woken up now, were barking non stop in the vicinity and the traffic jam had cleared.

The mother and her kids, were back from vacation and were yelling at each other.

Perhaps debating about what to have for dinner.

The world wasn't silent anymore.

It sounded more like the world now.

And it was time for CA Tanmay Chauhan to be a part of the chaos as well.

Correspondence College, pendrive classes, dummy articleship.

Years of isolation.

They had turned him to a recluse, no doubt about it.

Being able to function around people would involve a lot of struggle and practice.

He knew that.

But this was a guy who had cleared one of the toughest exams of the world in a single shot.

This was an extremely gorgeous guy who had turned ugly overnight.

And yet who had single-handedly defeated depression without any medical help and had made something of himself.

He knew that too.

***

The Bergamasque, which consists of four movements, is one of the many famous piano suites of French composer Claude Debussy. 

The most well-known part of Suite Bergamasque is the third movement, titled "Clair de lune," which translates to moonlight.

Moonlight falling on a pair of broken aviators lying on the railway track past the cemetery of Sector 9 of Gurgaon.

On a Chartered Accountant sitting on the iron bench opposite to it.

Raindrops kissing his proud face on 23rd January 2019 - The day when November 18's CA final results were announced.

Which was also the day when Tanmay Chauhan died.

And was reborn.

***

The End