The Witch of Ardee City

Almost all Indian families have an internal Diwali ritual which they consider different from other Indian families.

So did mine.

During my childhood days, on the night of Diwali my parents would give me a box of sweets and instruct me to deliver it to the household with the best lighting in the tower.

I would often spend hours visiting and revisiting my options until finally ringing a doorbell.

As years added up, so did the radius of my aesthetic gaze.

From my society complex to the neighbouring ones, then to the entire city.

The people who answered the door almost always behaved in a similar manner.

They'd get surprised, even amused.

Invite me in, serve me snacks and cold drink.

I'd sit there pretending to notice the interior of their house - the POP, the lamps, the chandelier, the dog.

Then finish up whatever would be served to me and leave, making a point to never visit the house again, regardless of their lighting the following years.

As a result of this exercise, by now I have visited many enthusiastic families of Gurgaon.

Each of whose innovation with lighting and theme setting could put even the likes of Baz Luhrman to shame.

This story is about one such house, which I visited in 2012.

It was a little different from the other houses I had I before.

You see,

It was owned by a witch.

***

"Half Kg Kaaju Katli please"

Perhaps I wasn't audible

"Half Kg Kaaju Katli please" I yelled.

"Yes sir, I heard you, please wait, I'm not an octopus."

I took offence to that.

Back when I was 15 this was all it took to hurt me.

After collecting the red and white paper box I made the payment through my father's credit card and descended the escalators of the Pacific mall in sector 56.

I showed the security guard my receipt and after he gave it back to me, disposed it in the little dustbin next to the stalls right outside the mall.

I kept the box in my scooty trunk and checked myself out in the rear view mirror, giving those "middle of the conversation" expressions while doing so.

Basically, to see how'd I look while talking.

I stopped doing that only when I saw David Schwimmer doing the same thing in an episode of Friends.

If I'm asked to list out fictional characters I despise, the first name that would come up would be that of Ross, not kidding.

Anyhow, During those days I was obsessed with which stream I was going to take in my 11th standard.

The form where I was supposed to tick my choice rested in my drawer at the very moment.

This was the first form for our stream choice and only involved the student ticking one out of the four broad categories.

Once submitted, another form was to be filled which carried the sub categories of the field chosen by the student previously.

For eg., if the student chose Non-Medical in form 1, form 2 would have choices like - Non Medical with computer science, Non Medical with physcial education, so on and so forth.

While most of the students of the class were making up their minds on which category to choose in form 2, I was still stuck on form 1, the submission date for which was due right after our Diwali holidays.

That's what went through my mind as I zipped past the Gold Souk Road looking at the lighting of the apartments there.

Some of them looked rather nice.

For instance, there was this 7th Floor house in Emerald Greens.

Their lighting looked like pink raindrops frozen in space.

I would have taken the box to that house.

It was one hell of a poetic visual.

But a classmate of mine - Vats Arora lived in that society and I couldn't risk running into him.

I dont remember why were there such cold vibes between me and Vats Arora back then, maybe it had got something to do with that thing which happend with Tamanna Sharma.

I made a right from the VK stretch on to the Golfcourse road from where I took a left towards Cyber City.

Back then there were no underpasses on the Golf Course Road, as a result of which the entire traffic was directed through the phase 2 red light where people would have to wait for up to fifteen minutes.

Which meant that taking a piss on the side of the Golfcourse Road was an impossible feat to accomplish during 2012.

Only that fact about Gurgaon apart from its name has changed since the past decade.

***

Well I never made it to Cyber City.

All thanks to my 15-year-old bladder I took that shady looking lane going left from Genpact towards Ardee City.

After which, I parked my scooty next to a barren grassland and relieved myself under the starry night.

And it was while pissing inside the gutter that I saw the most beautiful house I had ever seen.

From between the leaves of the trees a row of which paved way to it's front lawn, stood the winning mansion of Ardee City.

I won't describe it, words fail me.

Just imagine the best house you ever saw and multiply its beauty by 3 times.

I felt like a butterfly in a garden full of 99 roses out of a 100 flowers there.

Of course, I was hooked to the Daffodil.

***

After closing the zipper of my jeans I poured some water on my hands from the bottle inside my scooty trunk, fetched the om sweets box adjacent to it.

Then jumped across the gutter and headed towards the mansion.

The branches of the trees damn near slashed my cheeks but I kept walking with my right arm shielding my face.

After around 10 minutes and 4 cuts, with sandals full of grass I stood outside the garden of the 6 storied phenomena.

I had to walk around the circumference for about five minutes before I reached the main gate.

Two guards sat adjacent to each other on green trampoline chairs which looked like miniature trees.

One of them was dozing off while the other was watching a YouTube video.

I cleared my throat.

The one who was dozing off opened his eyes.

"So I do this thing every Diwali" I began, trying to appear embarrassed, to convey to the guard that I came from a civilized family "Where I kind of like you know gift a box of sweets to the family with the best lighting and stuff, it's a tradition basically, know what I mean?" I said moving my hands in a "know what I mean?" kind of a way.

He didn't say anything.

"I wanted to give this box to the owner of this house"

"Would it be possible for you to repeat what you just said while looking inside that camera over there" he said pointing 60 degrees to his left.

"Ya Hi, my name..."

"Not now, just wait" the guard went inside the guard room.

The way he said "just wait" was kind of rude.

A red light flashed on the camera after a while.

The guard signalled from the window

"Hi my name is Lakshay," I said with a little less enthusiasm than before "I'm from sector 56" I turned quiet.

"Umm, so we have this family tradition basically where I deliver a box of sweets on my family's behalf to the house the lighting of which I like the most.

I was just passing by and kind of noticed your lights and they're really nice and..." I flashed the box in front of the camera to compensate for the missing conclusion to my extremely awkward justification.

A minute or two later the guard's phone rang and he picked it up.

After he came out, he pressed a button and the gates opened

"You can go inside sir, Happy Diwali"

"Thanks, but may I know the name of the owner of this house?" I said "The address plate is blank"

The guard looked at me and smiled.

It was a very kind smile.

I felt like patting his head when he did that.

"Important people don't have names kid, just occupations" he signaled for me to proceed.

***

The opening notes of St James Infirmary Blues by White Stripes filled my ears as the front door approached where I was greeted by a huge rectangular electric board with "Happy Diwali" glittering on it in neon lights.

It was sitting on a horizontal tile affixed just above the door and looked like it could fall any minute.

It shook when I knocked.

"Come in" came a voice around 5 seconds before the signature tune of the track.

I opened the door and dashed inside, with my arm covering my head.

***

When I entered the house, the witch was sitting on the sofa with her legs crossed.

She didn't look very pretty.

Which might have got something to do with the fact that she did not have any eyelids.

Or because her skin was the darkest shade of green I had ever seen in my life.

Scaly and slimy like a reptile's, whatever of it was visible through the orange T-shirt she wore, looked like it would turn to powder upon being touched.

Both her nostrils were blocked by red mass inside them, and her lips were as black as coal.

Her ears were covered by the hair so thin and frail that half of her scalp was visible.

Her face was extremely wrinkled, as if had it been soaked in water for days.

Her eyes made her look like she was angry about something.

I considered dropping the box and running away from the house.

But it wouldn't have been very polite of me to do so.

Hence I decided to stay.

"Hi I'm Lakshay" I said

Her head turned in my direction, rest of her body did not move at all.

It almost felt like her neck didnt have any joints.

I gradually walked in her direction, the box shaking ever so slightly in my hands.

The house was absolutely white.

White flooring, white walls, white furniture.

"Hi Lakshay, how are you?" The witch said in a husky voice "Please help yourself" she said, pointing to a plate of samosas and a glass of cold drink kept on the table.

"Sure," I said "By the way, I got these for you" I gave the box to her "totally dig the lighting of your house, mam" I said taking a seat opposite to her.

"Yeah I heard it on the camera, that's very sweet of you"

"So what do you do?" I asked her

"I'm a witch," she said, "what about you?"

"I'm in tenth standard, Apeejay School, have you heard of it? We've got a university as well.

Apeejay Satya University"

"Yeah it's near 32 milestone right?"

"Ya ya that one"

"You'll get an advantage there for being from one of their schools"

"Yeah if my grades are that low for me to even consider Apeejay Satya University" I laughed

She smiled.

I noticed that half of her teeth were missing.

"So what do witches do exactly?"

"Aren't you aware of that?

"Never really came across one so cant say for sure"

"We eat children," she said

"Oh" I said "what age group?"

"Below ten mostly, dont worry I won't eat you"

"Thanks a lot, mam" I smiled at her

She tilted her head to acknowledge my gratitude

"If you won't mind me asking Mam" I adjusted my bum on the sofa "why do you eat kids, like are they tasty or something?"

"Bad kids, we only eat bad kids and no they're not tasty.

We get paid for doing so, that's our job"

"How do you know which ones are bad"

"Because we have a psychic vision.

We can see their futures.

So we kill the criminals in their childhoods itself"

"How many children have you eaten so far?" I sipped my cold drink.

"581"

"That's quite a number" I kept the glass on the table and dipped my samosa in the ketchup "At what age did you die and become a witch if you dont mind me asking?"

"32, why?" 

"So you must have attended your 11th standard right?" I asked her.

"Yeah I did"

"What stream did you opt for? I have to fill out my form and I'm kinda confused"

"I chose commerce"

"With Maths or without Maths?

"With maths, Our school didn't have a section for without maths"

"Which school were you in?"

"Monfort"

"That's a nice school, I was there for a debate competition, your amphitheater smells so nice"

"Which stream are you planning to take?" She asked me

"I have no clue at all like I'm totally blank you know. and the form submission is in three days."

"Well, you should consult a career counselor," the witch said and coughed.

A cockroach climbed out of her mouth when she did that and landed on the floor

"Hey how about you tell me my future at each stream using your psychic vision?

It will be a huge help" I said, ignoring the cockroach.

The witch thought about it for a while.

"Yeah ok, sure"

"That's ok?"

"Ya ya come here" the witch patted the spot next to her on the sofa.

"Umm cool" I went and sat there.

"Look into my eyes," she said "and say I'll take commerce with full conviction"

I did so.

Her eye balls turned white like Helen Bonham Carter in that Tim Burton Movie.

I gulped.

"What do you see?" I asked her

"I see you sitting in a huge air-conditioned office with white lights.

You are wearing a dark green shirt over black trousers and working on your Dell laptop.

Every time your senior leaves you alone, you open a word file from your taskbar and type in it.

When he comes back you open an excel sheet and close the word file.

During the lunch break, you are not eating food with your team.

You eat it at your desk while typing on the word file"

Her eyeballs became black again.

"Umm thanks" I frowned, not entirely sure what to make of it "Let's see what happens when I take Non Medical, you're not exhausted or anything right?"

"No it's fine" She said.

"I'll take Non Medical" I declared with absolute surety.

Her eyes turned white again.

"What do you see now?"

"I see you sitting in a huge air-conditioned office with yellow lights.

You are wearing a Light Blue Shirt and Dark Blue Trousers and working on your Lenovo laptop.

Everytime your senior leaves you alone, you open a word file from your taskbar and type on it.

When he comes back you open Java Script and close the word file.

During the lunch break you dont eat food with your team.

You eat it at your desk while typing on the word file"

Her eyeballs turned black.

"Umm ok" I scratched my head

"Let's see what happens if I take Medical" I pleaded "If it isn't too much trouble?" I bit my lip

"Alright, I think I can do it for you one last time"

"Thanks a ton, mam" I rose up on the sofa "I'm going to take Medical" I declared

"What do you see?"

"I see you sitting in a huge air conditioned hospital, it's daytime.

You are wearing a white lab coat over white cotton pants and a blue satin mask over your face.

You're testing samples in the lab and writing down your observations on a piece of paper.

Everytime your MD leaves you alone, you take out a notepad from your pocket and write on it.

But the moment he comes back you put it inside.

During the lunch break, you dont have lunch with your team, you have it.."

"Alone while writing on my notepad" I finished the sentence "Well I guess I'm supposed to be a writer then"

"It does seem like your interest is in that area" The witch nodded "Have you ever written anything before?" she asked me

"A little, but it got rejected by the editorial board of our school magazine," I told her.

"Do you want me to see your future if you take Humanities and study literature in college?"

"I don't know" I declared a little nervously.

"If you dont want me to see it, I won't see it"

"No no, please see it and tell me.

It will be a huge help, I'm so sorry that I'm causing you so much inconvenience though, my God this is so embarrassing"

"It's not an issue kid, I completely understand" she pressed her lips together "Are you ready?"

"Yes please"

"Go ahead"

"I'll take Humanities" I crossed my fingers and whispered.

Her eyeballs turned white.

***

"I see you walking inside a very small room.

You have a beard and your hair seem unwashed.

It's around 11 AM in the morning.

There is a bottle of alcohol on your table, but there is no label on it so I can't say whether it's whiskey or rum or some other intoxicant.

You drink all of it and go to sleep"

"Aren't there any notepads or laptops lying around?"

"Nope, only empty bottles.

Hey, wait.."

"Yeah?"

"There is an injection too, on your bedside"

"My goodness!" I shook my head

The witch's eyes turned black again.

"I'm so sorry, full time writing is not for you"

***

"I don't get it" I argued

"Get what?"

"I was writing fiction in all the three initial visuals, right?

As a Commerce Graduate, As a doctor and as an Enginner.

Which clearly means that I'd eventually develop an artistic temperament.

But if I study literature, I'd be a jobless drunkard who's most probably a drug addict too.

How?"

"Well it's not as unbelievable as you make it sound" The witch said

"Why?"

"Think of it this way.

There are people for whom creativity gets fuelled by mental exercise.

One doesn't necessarily have to be a professional artist to create art.

In some cases, it helps if you're just a regular person with a regular job.

Especially if you turn out to be one of those artists whom corporate professionals can relate with.

Not every reader is a phD in literature, right?"

"Yeah.

Well then I guess Humanities is out of the race"

"Seems so"

"Hmm" I nodded "Honestly it doesn't sound so bad, your view"

"I'm sure it doesn't"

"Yeah.

Thanks a lot mam" I said and finally smiled.

"You're most welcome, my child" she caressed my cheek and kept her hand on my head as a blessing.

We chatted for another fifteen to twenty minutes after that.

Mostly about random stuff, nothing worth mentioning about here.

But one thing was for sure.

I left the mansion as a much more content person than one who had walked in.

***

"Going, sir?" The guard said to me at the entrance.

He looked really fresh.

Like my dad does on Saturday Mornings.

The other one was still glued to his phone, like my dad during rest of the weekend.

"Yeah, I'll rush" I said as I passed him by.

Then turned around to have a last look at the mansion.

"Funny isn't it?" I threw it one last look and remarked

"What sir?"

"Nothing, just the fact that the most beautiful house I've seen in my life is owned by a witch and that if I pursue my dream my life will become a nightmare"

"The world is full of ironies sir"

***

I reached home by 9 PM.

My parents had gone to a Diwali party, so I had the house to myself.

I washed my face and drank four glasses of water.

Then fetched the form from my study table drawer and switched on the table light.

In front of my eyes were the following columns -

1. Non Medical

2. Commerce

3. Medical

4. Arts

"It ia the most important call of your entire life, students, Choose wisely" Our school HOD's voice echoed inside my head as I covered the fourth option with my left hand, and began going through the others with my right pointing finger.

"Akkad, bakkad, bambey bo..."

***

The End