Chance At Love

I never thought I'd be interested in someone the way Jake Peralta was interested in Amy, romantic styles, however, that wasn't the case when I first met him. Our first meeting was rather strange because we didn't actually meet but just glanced at each other for a few seconds.

You must be thinking that this is going to be some cliché love story, but you're in for a surprise. For, it has everything but that.

At the moment it all began, we were both at the station waiting for a Mumbai local, struggling in the crowd like some newbies. We bumped into each other, apologized and went on, in different directions. 

I used to think that I wasn’t a believer in love at first sight. Until that moment in time, when I saw his eyes looking at mine, with an apologetic smile. I didn’t want that to end, but it did and rather really quickly. He disappeared in the crowd, leaving me hopeless.

I never thought I’d see him again because this wasn’t a rom-com, and I am sort of a pessimist. But, surprisingly I did see him again because we got off at the same station.

That day being my first day of college, with excitement and nervousness tickling my guts at the same time, I started walking towards the college, with earphones on and my music playing at the loudest settings since that was one of my defense mechanisms against strange human interactions on the way. 

I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned back wondering who the madman would be, willing to tap a person with earphones on, how could he not know that ‘earphones on' means ‘no conversations desired'. But, I was instantly glad as I looked back. It was the same set of beautiful brown eyes looking straight at me. He said that he wanted to ask for directions but not from a stranger and he couldn't help but notice that I looked familiar. 

I collided with a beautiful guy, but then dreamily went on to living my life without him, but holy bubbles! We stumble upon each other again!? 

When we talked, we got to know that we're in the same college and the same class as well. Now you must be thinking this is all too good to be true, well I thought so too. 

We started talking and became friends, obviously, because I have such a great personality, who wouldn't want to be friends with me. Okay, who am I kidding, he is the super cool person here and well I'm just me. 

Oh wait, I almost forgot to tell you about him. His name is Manthan and he was new to Mumbai too, he shifted here from Udaipur for his studies, just like me. It was quite apparent though, him being new because the cluelessness, bewilderment and the disgust of so much crowd in Mumbai could be seen on his face just as clearly as it beamed on mine. We connected on a different level, being outstation students in a new place, living far away from college, traveling every day and since we lived nearby, we started going together and ended up spending almost half of our day together.

I had known him for three years now.

We could talk endlessly about almost everything, be it memes, animals, shows and movies and not just that but also studies, future and life goals. Imagine having someone who understands you even when you cannot understand yourself, who always has your back, who cares about you, who teaches you things without making you feel stupid. I had a person exactly like that and how could I not fall in love with him?

This isn't quite the fairytale it seems right now because let's accept the fact that humans are stupid and I am one. We have our own creative problems, created by us and sometimes these issues get the best of us. I think it's apparent the issues I'm talking about here are the indecisiveness, the insecurity, the self-loathing, internal conflict on what is best for you, self despise, low self-esteem.

So, let me ask you a few questions.

Have you ever not asked a person out because you didn't want to ruin their life?

Because you know that you're a mess and that you don't want to drag someone you love with you? Because you think that this person deserves so much more than you can ever provide? And lastly, because you think that you don't deserve such a great human being?

It hurts, doesn't it? But did you ever think that what if you're meant to be together, despite all the mess? And what if you're taking the opportunity of a happy ending from that person? What if being together will give you both happiness? What if you're taking this beautiful chance from that person because YOU are afraid?

What if, because of your insecurities, that person has to lose, lose a chance at love with you??

Deep within your heart, you know what is to be done... But this stupid brain won’t let you, Right? 

This feeling of not knowing where I stand and where I want to go took over me and I couldn't think straight. I was exactly in the middle of these two situations, whether to say what my heart feels or to listen to my brain and disregard all my emotions.

On a day, unlike any other, life was happening, I was reading some book and there was this thing. I read something, and it was beautiful. It was something along the lines of opportunities being lost in the blink of an eye, but that regrets can last for lifetimes.

The dilemma I was struggling with was whether or not should I ask Manthan out. What could have been the worst possible outcomes of me doing it? I mean, he could reject the proposal, shattering my heart into a million little pieces; or he could put me into the friendzone. But, what if he said yes? I’ll never know if I don’t decide to do something. And, this seems to be the most undesirable one out of all the outcomes.

I still wonder what my life would have been like only if I had the courage to confront him, talk about what I felt, just once, to know what his answer would be. 

I also wonder why he never tried to do the same, was he going through the same dilemma as me or did something else bother him? I guess I can never know now because it's more than a year since we went our separate ways; we still talk at times but no one knows how long will this continue. 

Guess, I made the wrong choice and lost my opportunity. Making life choices is difficult, I knew that already, but this kind of stressful decision where it’s not just about your life but also someone else's, and that someone being the potential love of your life makes this process of decision making hella crazier!

I don't know if this has happened with you or not, really hoping that it hasn't and never will, but still I just have one advice for you, let's just call it a moral of my story, that you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life, so just love yourself and know your value. 

It takes courage to go where you've never gone before but, I promise it's a risk worth taking.