Broken Hopes And Emotions

I am hurt 

I am alone 

I am depressed

I cry myself to sleep 

And I hate myself 

All because of you 

My life was not like this always. I was a very cheerful and happy guy before. To understand me you need to go back to where it all started. 

In everyone's life the first time you fall in love, it changes you forever, no matter how hard you try, that feeling just never goes away and when you are cheated upon that feeling just can't be explained in words. After that, you may not enter into that shit again or pile up other relationships to get over it and this continues until you become mature and find the truth or the right person who is perfectly compatible with you.

Heartbreaks are experienced by the most number of people. Extremely lucky are those who find their perfect soulmate on the first go. Those whose relationships end with a mutual understanding are intelligent and fortunate. And those who are cheated upon are the most unlucky beings.

I lie in the third category and still I don't say everything was bad in that relationship rather everything was so perfect about it but then I don't know what went wrong.

Her name was Ananya. She was perfect until we broke up. Nothing was there about her that couldn't be loved. That perfect smile, perfect hair, perfect voice, those small things she did, made me fall for her. The way she played with her hair, the way she used to call out my name. Maybe I was the only one that was imperfect in her life.

She was at my tuition and love at the tuition has its own joyish feeling that can never be expressed in words. You see each other without paying attention to studies and when you fear bad results then you make each other study and you look into each other's books and each other's eyes, holding hands. Everything is just so magical about that moment. I was too lucky that I was enjoying all these things with her. It was more than a perfect relationship. I still remember each and everything about her - that moment when I saw her laughing like no-one is watching, the moment she forgets that she was an adult and does childish things. Her obsession with melted chocolates and Cornetto and many more things. 

Our relationship was going extremely well and being in the fear of board examination and I asked her one day. 

Would you mind if for 2 months if we can converse lesser than before and focus on our studies? 

Because I always thought for our better future I must get good marks and achieve everything in my life so that I can keep her happy and to my surprise, she agreed to do the same and so I devoted my major time to studies. 

Everything was going just perfect but on one inauspicious day, I went to a mall nearby my house to buy some groceries and stuff and being very early the shopkeeper gently asked me to come after 10 minutes so I decided to just roam around in the mall and I don't know why I went to an under-construction site and there I encountered the worst nightmare of my life when I found her kissing someone else and I really can't explain how the boy's hand were going inside her sleek white shirt. I don't know what I was doing there that day. Not breaking through their moment I decided to leave from the place and her life. But before leaving I just wanted to ask her one question "Was that lust that all she wanted. Wasn't my love enough for her? My undemanding nature for lust things and stuff is the reason I got cheated. Why even after being such a loyal companion I was cheated."

But my all doubts were cleared after I came to know about the reality. I had made a major mistake that I never asked about her past. I simply thought why should I ask about the past which would hurt her. Later I came to know that he was her ex-boyfriend and they had a beautiful relationship of 3 years. They had some family issues after which they decided to break up.

I thought that it was pretty obvious that maybe I haven't provided that much love that he must have provided in past years. That gave a reason to move on and to help me to fight that breakup stage.

I just focused day and night on my studies and worked hard to achieve good marks and things were going pretty well and I was able to achieve good marks. Not being one of the toppers but enough to make my parents proud of me. 

After the breakup, I had started learning guitar, and in college that helped me a lot with interacting with new people. This was the kind of life I wanted. 

But one day I suddenly saw 27 missed calls from her and I decided not to talk to her in any case. I just wanted to stay out of her life. 

But her repeated approaches towards me time and again made me talk to her and first question I asked how and why after one year she remembered me? She had forgotten in such a way in the past as if I don't exist. 

Then she explained how karma had hitten her hard and for the person she had left me for has also double-dated her. I felt bad for her and she asked me if we can still be friends and just not more than that. She remembered how I who was so bad at learning numbers, had each and every record of time spent with her. How on roads I used to come on the lane from where the cars are coming. How in her eyes I used to forget the world and just keep staring her as if we ain't going to meet ever again. After making me remember all these things. I, unfortunately, said yes and after that darkest chapter of my life starts. 

Each and every person has a soft corner for their pasts. I was one of them. And again after I thought that she might have changed too but no, people never change, they just find ways to hurt you harder.

 After having 6 Months of a nice friendship. She proposed to me and I said yes to her. Last time our relationship has lasted for about 7 months. But this time it lasted for only about 4 days. When I was returning back after purchasing a beautiful ring. And asked each and everyone how beautiful she would be looking when she will wear that ring. But a new surprise was awaiting me. When I saw her making out in the car for some other guy. My emotions, my feelings for her were shattered. I was in pieces and I felt nothing was left inside me. But from that day I was changed totally.

From an extrovert, I became an introvert. 

From the one who wholeheartedly helped everyone, I became the one who always remained low and it feels like he needs some help.

From an always high kinda type of person to an all-time low kinda personality.

Now I don't expect anything from anyone. I just want to be left alone and have no real attachments in my life. And I don't know whether ever I would forget those things which I saw and after knowing me and my story would anyone ever love me.