Break Free...

On the new year’s morning of 2016, it was 4:30 am when Kanika got up suddenly from a horrendous nightmare, her throat was dry and she breathed heavily, she saw herself running in the dark to find light, but she couldn’t, which was similar to what was happening to her in real life. She wanted to cry her heart out but sobbed back to sleep. She got up again at 6.30 am when the alarm went off and felt relieved that it was time to get ready and leave the house.

Kanika entered the kitchen to start preparations for breakfast and lunch, greeted her mother-in-law with a morning ritual of touching her feet as she followed her in the kitchen. The first words that she heard were “Hey bhagwan! Bless her in the new year to become a mother, I don’t want to die without seeing my grandson”.

Kanika had forgotten that it was a new year, as there was nothing new, it was an old ritual now in this house to talk about how Kanika is unable to produce a child even after 4 years of marriage and was compared to all females who have given birth like goddesses to children every now and then. Even her own mother, whenever called, would discuss this issue rather than asking how Kanika was doing, what could she expect from somebody else’s mother.

She used to get disturbed initially with these conversations and would end up fighting with Prabhat, but now, she had stopped reacting to it.

Kanika was born and brought up in the small town of Haryana, a state, infamous for the female feticide. Her father was one of the first graduates in his village and bagged a government job which took him out of his village to the nearby city. Kanika was a very bright student since childhood, her father felt proud when all teachers appreciated her in all PTMs, but his roots from a conservative family remained ingrained, where girls were not allowed to study beyond school and going for a job was unheard of. Owing to her academic record, Kanika was allowed to go to college, with a condition that her education had to be in the hometown only. She went to the state university college, had a set routine from nine to five, attended all lectures sincerely and reached home by five thirty in the evening. There was not even a single day when she was late from college, killing all her desires to do what normally people do at this age.

Her mother had clearly instructed her on day one of college, that if her father finds out that she was talking to boys in college, she would be married the next day and all this bhoot of studies would be put to an end. She couldn’t dare to not follow her mother’s advice as she did not want to throw away her chance, she had seen all her cousins getting married immediately after school, very few went to college and ended up doing the household chores their entire life, this was the reality of rural India, even in 21^st century.

Kanika realized that there was more to life than just being a science graduate from a state university when one of her seniors was going to a top B-School of India. She started preparing for MBA entrance exams, with all her passion, without any coaching classes and cracked a government MBA college entrance, which was not in the list of top B-schools but was decent enough to get a job and be independent. Moreover, her parents wouldn’t have to spend any money so the chances of them allowing her to study further were stronger. Her mother was strongly against it, but her father agreed with the condition that she would get married as soon as she completed her MBA and there will be no further exception. She agreed happily, as she wanted to live her life, at least for two years that were lying ahead of her.

These were the best two years of her life, she was in Delhi, the city amazed her when she stepped out of her hometown for the first time, she was excited! Initially she felt inferior in the campus considering her background, but she knew this was her only opportunity to turn around, she worked hard, her transformation was commendable and evident, from suit-salwar to business suit, from local language accent to Delhi accent, from oiled hair palates to open step cut hair, from not looking at boys to being friends with them, the journey was not so comfortable but it was worth! Her dreams shattered soon when her father discussed the suitable marriage proposal with her when she was in her last semester. She got a job in the month of January, her father ensured she got engaged in February and married in May before she commenced her work in June in the year 2012.

Prabhat, her husband, was also born and brought up in a nearby town, was a bookworm who went to Kota for coaching and cracked one of the toughest exams to become an engineer from the top engineering college in India, he made a lot of money, with similar conservative family values. “This is a match made in heaven, announced her father, on the day they met for the first time”. Prabhat was an average looking guy with a paunch and receding hairline, but he earned four times what Kanika would earn. He also agreed that Kanika can work post marriage, which was a blessing given by him and his family as per Kanika’s parents’ understanding, what else could she ask for? Prabhat was quiet, did not speak much, Prabhat’s mother had declared flaunting, “My boy is a cow, a saint, so shy that he has never spoken to girls". All put together, made him the ideal boy her parents could settle her with.

Kanika, on the other hand, had a vibrant personality, she often got compliments for her big eyes and a vivacious smile, fair and tall, she was beautiful. Kanika was fun to be around, she was serious about her studies, but she never missed out on being a part of the annual day dance performance, not even for a single year. She enjoyed these small joys of life more than anyone else.

Poor Kanika did not expect that her would-be husband would behave in the same way with his wife even after marriage. Thanks to the cow husband, her life was nothing of what she had dreamt of, she had tried hard to explore something unique about Prabhat that could attract her, unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, at all. All her desires of doing things, that she fascinated to do with her husband, had gone for a toss. To travel the world, to try alcohol, to go to a disco, to go to a beach wearing bikini, to have passionate sex, to cook together in the kitchen and so on, none of that could happen with Prabhat, none! She made efforts, initially, which resulted in disappointment as Prabhat told her that he did not like the cheesy things she did on his birthday and the nicknames that she called him, he felt uncomfortable with romantic talks. He wasn’t a bad guy, but she realized in a few months into her marriage that he was not the right one for her. He was indifferent to most of the emotions an ordinary human being would experience, perhaps, he is extraordinary, she thought, but that did not help, the storm within her kept growing.

For the first year in marriage, Kanika could convince Prabhat that they should not jump into family planning and Prabhat did not oppose, but on their first anniversary day, he gifted her the judgement passed by her mother- in law that they should have a kid. The first time when he forced himself into her against her will and the first time when the thought of running away from this relationship came to her mind.

The firsts became regular, Prabhat kept doing his bit night after night, without caring for desire or consent and Kanika kept wondering how to run away from this torture. The only response every time she questioned him on this urgency was “I will do whatever makes my mother happy, she has raised me alone after my father passed away when I was just 15, and anyways, this is a part of the deal you have signed”, he was curt, without emotions, and the deal was marriage. After 3 years of trying, and innumerous visits to gynecologists, the next step was artificial insemination. Deep down her heart, she was aware that she did not want to start a family with this man, and she felt relieved every month when she got her periods, thinking that the universe was with her. Prabhat never talked to her much, never asked her about her work or her parents, two most important things in her life. Their routine was mundane, Kanika would do the household chores after coming from office and he would watch the news on TV with his mother or work on his laptop, they never called or texted each other in office, which was very different from normalcy. They did not know each other, in a sense that partners should know, husband-wife was just a tag in their life, and it was becoming worse.

Whenever she mentioned this to her mother that she was not happy, that there was no love in this marriage, that this marriage is a sham, that her mother-in-law was always disrespectful to her, that this was a deal for Prabhat to take his family lineage ahead, that Prabhat has done this just because he had to do it someday and his mother wanted it, not because he wanted it, her mother would say the same thing every time, “You should put more effort to make things work beta, you are a woman, you must sacrifice to sustain your marriage”.

The concept of not being happy in a marriage is alien to most parents and the fact that they do not acknowledge it makes it nonexistent in their small world. The solution to all problems given by them is to produce a byproduct, which is called, a child. And in small towns, it’s called, a son.

The biggest curse that a woman has, is being portrayed and praised as the epitome of sacrifice, being compared to a goddess, people forget that she is a human being and she should be given the freedom to follow her choices. She might not want to be ideal, but society forces the idealism on her. A woman, who expresses her desire to not follow this league, is the biggest shame to her family, she has become modern and lost her values. A woman, who is not ready to go the extra mile, take all responsibilities and not say a word, is not a woman in real sense.

She admitted to herself, every day, that this was a pathetic state to be in, but she couldn’t gather the courage to speak up and escape from this imprisonment. She kept trying to be the woman that the world expected her to be, but it kept gnawing her inside.

Following her routine, as every day, she picked up her bag and left the house at sharp 8:30 for work. Office was a place where she found peace, opposite to most of the employees around and she was growing fast as compared to her peers because of the passion, she saved from her personal life and brought to work. People exchanged new year’s greetings that day in office and Kanika kept thinking about the happy in this happy new year, she kept wondering how long she would behave like nothing is wrong. She had to get out of this as this was becoming more depressing with each day passing.

She reached home at 7.30 in the evening to find the husband and the mother-in-law in a serious discussion, she could sense that they were waiting for her to enter the house to give some judgement. She had not even kept her bag down before it was announced that it’s time to go for artificial insemination as they have waited enough.

Everything fell into place, at this moment, she knew. This was it!

She was clear in her mind that she did not want it, she was so thankful to her stars that she did not get pregnant in this marriage else it would have been more difficult to think about breaking the shackles. She had to pursue her happiness and not be a sad wife and then disgusted mother for her entire life. She wanted a family, but not like this, not with a man who barely spoke to her but jumped on her like an animal every damn night.

She took a deep breath and said in a firm voice, “I don’t want a child, she was louder than she expected, “In fact, I have also made a decision, I want a divorce!” Her eyes welled up with tears and her voice broke.

Prabhat and his mother gave her looks of anger and disappointment but she continued, “These were four fucking meaningless years of my life, I must say, I must say this out loud, I was not happy for a single fucking day, I have faced utter uncalled disrespect in this house which often lead me to self -doubt, but no, I have no reason to have self-doubt. It was a waste of my four years” she reiterated. She looked at her mother-in-law and said, “I am so happy today that I did not get pregnant, I am the happiest in a very long time today”. Then she turned to Prabhat and continued to talk while shivering, “You might be a good techie, a good son, but you are not a good husband, you never gave the respect or love this relationship deserved. You never cared for me, you barely spoke to me, and you want me to have your child? How could you? How could you two decide everything for me? How dare you?” she continued to cry. No one stood up to hold Kanika, to comfort her, they were just looking at her with protruding eyes.

She got up, wiped her tears with her hands and rushed to the bedroom and started packing her clothes. Prabhat’s mother said it was good that she can get a fertile wife for her son. Kanika was happy that first time, her mom in law spoke in her favor, at least once in 4 years before she left. Prabhat followed her to the bedroom and held her wrist tightly, “What do you think of yourself? You go out of the house does not mean that you can survive on your own, don’t over react and go to the kitchen, it’s time for dinner” he said with anger in his eyes.

Kanika just looked at him, with disbelief, “leave my hand or I will call the police”, he left her hand and went out of the room and did not say a word after that. After 10 minutes, she called a cab and left the house with a suitcase of her clothes, this house which could never become her home.

She closed the door behind, with a promise to never turn back!

She stood strong, she had learnt from her mistakes of being quiet and she was determined not to give in, for any amount of counselling that her parents and relatives would do. When people were trying to settle the matter suggesting that she should go back to her house, Kanika had clarified that she can do better with her life and her decision would not change now. Kanika rented a small apartment near her office and felt so easy, she did not suffocate when she reached back to her apartment every evening. After a few weeks, Kanika’s parents understood that she was in a better place now, when they observed that the chirpiness in her voice, was back, now they were with her, finally! She had already seen the worse at an age of 27 years, life was waiting for her!

A year later, Kanika met someone, someone who made her heart skip a beat. Kabir, that was him! Kabir had joined in Kanika’s department as a senior manager and the entire team was introduced to him. Their first handshake, with his firm hand felt so warm and he smiled at her generously. His intense eyes could hypnotize her, so she tried to avoid eye contact. A strong jawline made him look desirable and Kanika could feel her face turning pink and hot every time she noticed it, a toned fit body with right amount of muscles built, which made her wonder if she can have a look at his arms without a shirt on. Around 6 feet tall, she guessed, but couldn’t ask at that point. Whenever she saw him, she felt a different rush of hormones in her body.

Kabir was born and brought up in Mumbai and graduated from a good B school, growing at a super-sonic speed in his career, he had reached at a marketing head position in a short span of 7 years. 31 years old, and the most important point, he was a bachelor! He had added, “I have not yet found the right one”! Kanika tried to avoid thinking about him justifying to herself that he is different. He came from a progressive family, his education was superior to hers, and he looked ravishing, why would he consider a divorcee small town girl when he could have girls throwing themselves at him, she thought.

But Kabir was completely spellbound when he saw Kanika first. She radiated glow on her face, her skin tone was fair with a touch of honey, beautiful big eyes that were shining with sunlight falling onto them, good built and just right amount of curves, her lustrous hair fell on to her shoulders ending into curls like walnuts, her lips had a light touch up of peach lip color, she looked phenomenal. Ground to earth in real sense, he realized, just in a few minutes of talking to her, she had easy going nature and good sense of humor, and the most important, her smile, he wanted to see her smile, he did not know why, but her smile made his heart dance!

Kabir had an urge to know her more, and he started making small casual conversations to explore her interest, and in a few days, they started talking more. They grabbed all possible opportunities to be around each other in office, utilized all breaks, but it was becoming evident now, so they started texting after office hours and became more than just colleagues just in a months’ time. Kabir asked her out and Kanika agreed without hesitation.

She was enjoying this, she was experiencing what she had longed for, Kabir was fulfilling all her wishes, surprisingly, without being asked. She told him about her past and he respected her more after that, she was comfortable sharing her secrets with him, and he reciprocated with trust and support, “We can adopt a child, what I want is you more than anything else in the world”, he said when she told him about her insecurity about being able to become a mother. They started becoming closer to each other as every day passed. They talked about everything now, they could feel the word compatible coming into life. Kabir also has had his heart broken earlier in a few unsuccessful relationships, when he was younger, but this one was special, he was sure about her. Kabir stood with her while her divorce proceedings were ongoing, it took another six months for all formalities to complete. In this journey, they fell in love, madly, deeply, and decided to get married after two years of knowing each other. They completed each other with love and passion.

Today, on the new years’ day of 2020, Kanika wakes up to a warm kiss on her cheek, she opens her eyes just enough to see him smiling at her. “Happy New Year, love!” Kabir whispers in her ear and touches her baby bump gently, which has just started showing.

Kanika now knows what being happy means, she knows she is home. It was the best decision of her to break free!