Battle of the Bulge

“Ma’am, do you need any assistance?” Anu turned around irritated. The pesky in-store help girl was following her around incessantly, though she had given all possible hints that she wanted to be left alone. Sometimes, the universe conspires against us. All the dresses that she seemed to like, were available only in two sizes down. She had been lovingly caressing a blue top, when the store girl had shaken her out of her reverie. “Umm, this top….” her voice trailed off, and the store girl immediately said “Ma’am , L is the last size in that.. Do you want to check out similar tops ?” and she held out two tops in some obnoxious patterns and colours. 

Something snapped inside her and Anu retorted “No, I want this blue dress only. Which way is the billing?”. The store girl was a little taken aback, but meekly showed her the way to billing counter.

Anu battled the hot tears that threatened to flow down her cheeks any minute. With a brave face, she completed her purchase. Why was she so irritable these days ? The store girl was just doing her job, and well, to be honest, just pointing out the obvious to her. And yet, she had just indulged in an ego-massage purchase exercise.

She headed back home. As soon as she walked in, she heard her baby cry. Her mother-in-law was trying to put him back to sleep. She took her baby and fed and cooed him back to sleep. The little cherub promptly dozed off in his mother’s arms. She gazed at him lovingly. Five months had passed so soon. It felt like just yesterday, he had come home from the hospital. Five months…and she involuntarily stared into the mirror. All she could see was a fat girl with a big bulging tummy staring back at her. Instead of 5 months post-partum, she easily looked 5 months pregnant.

The tears that she had held back so long, just flowed down her cheeks silently. She opened her cupboard to toss the new top that she had just bought, and stared at her old clothes. Probably the worst form of breakup is when your old clothes don’t like you and don’t fit anymore.

She was trying to put up a brave front, but she could slowly feel her self-esteem crumbling gradually.

She had always been slightly plump from her childhood, but never obviously fat. It had just been a well-fed look that made her look cute and chubby, but not obese.

She had married the love of her life and they had lived a very happy married life. Their joy knew no bounds when she had conceived 3 years post marriage. However, due to certain inherent health issues detected, her gynaecologist had advised her to rest it out in the first trimester. That coupled with over enthusiastic family members, who fed her and pampered her incessantly, she ended up piling up more weight by the end of the first trimester.

However, it had not bothered her at that time, and she continued to enjoy her 9 month pre-natal journey with the pampering and attention.

Every time she would look at herself in the mirror, she would caress her growing tummy, lovingly waiting for her little one. Her delivery finally happened with a C-section and she delivered a healthy baby boy. As she gingerly stepped on her feet, aching all over, the next day after delivery, she stared at the bathroom mirror. She was a little shocked to see her tummy still bulging as if she was still pregnant. She had always assumed that immediately post-delivery, she would go back to looking a little like her former self, if not completely. This coupled with the insanely hurting stitches made her grumpy, but she forced herself to get back on her feet and focussed on her little one. She had seen so many pictures of celebrity mothers, post delivery with their babies in the media, and they all looked so beautiful and glowing and back-in-shape. The media would invariably laud their weight-loss stories as “inspiring”. Somehow, she felt ugly within. She could not muster the courage to get a post-natal baby shoot done at the hospital. Her husband was surprised. “I thought you were looking forward to the shoot” he said. She refused to get clicked and finally they ended up getting solo shots of the baby alone.

After they came back home, the days passed in a blur. It was exhausting and exhilarating in parts. She barely had the time to look at herself, but whenever she did, it did not feel good. To add to her woes, most of the relatives who trooped in, seemed to be passing comments on her weight gain. “Oh Anu, you have put on a lot of weight…. You still look pregnant…Why don’t you try tummy tying…..This is why normal delivery is always better than Ceasarean… blah… blah” These were the sample comments that most of them had to say, as she gritted her teeth, trying to keep a straight face throughout. The tummy that had held so much purpose when she was pregnant, seemed empty and large and ugly now. Sensing her getting upset, her mother in law had lovingly soothed her, that she would start losing weight once the baby grows up, but still her heart and self-esteem was slowly sinking.

She started slowly retreating into a shell. Her family could not understand her change in behaviour, but they thought it is probably due to fatigue.

After 4 months, her doctor gave her a green signal to go ahead with small exercises. She cautioned her not to exert herself, and only do minimal and safe exercises to start off with. But an over-joyed Anu started off doing ab-crunches , bending etc, along with her routine walking in her eagerness to kick off the tummy flab. However, it didn’t seem to help reducing her stomach bulge. On the other hand, a slow nagging back pain started haunting her. It just increased as the days passed, leaving her more and more frustrated.

Though her rational mind was forcing her to stay cheerful, and focus on the baby and her loving family, somewhere the post-partum depression was also slowly taking over. It was silently consuming her. She could not bring herself to discuss with her family on how she felt and her self esteem was slowly melting away, often transpiring into an unspoken irritation and anger, like how she felt at the store today.

Her body ached and her pelvic floor hurt with all the activity. Her bulging tummy jiggled and she sometimes ended up peeing, with a slight exertion like coughing hard , or brisk walking.

She lay down near her sleeping son, lovingly staring into his angelic sleeping face and passed out into an exhaustion induced sleep.

It was evening, when she woke up and her cousin sister came home to see her. She had always been very close to her Preeti akka, as she fondly called her. They hardly behaved like cousins. She was almost like her own elder sister. Preeti lived in the US after her marriage, but they still stayed in touch regularly through video calls.

Preeti hugged her. “I am so sorry, I could not come in earlier. Wanted to start off once Vivaan’s exams got over.” She had bought a lot of soft toys for her nephew, and they both chatted for a long time. Anu’s mood improved a little with her presence. She idly picked up one of the soft toys – a stuffed baby elephant and just held it in her arms, while Preeti played with her baby. Then Preeti saw her and joked “See Karthik, your mummy elephant is holding your baby elephant” and laughed. Somehow that remark stung Anu. Her floodgates of emotion crashed open and she started crying bitterly. Preeti was rattled and immediately comforted her. “Anu, what happened… tell me”. Anu babbled through her tears “You called me an elephant. You are also mocking my looks”. Preeti was taken aback. “No ma, from childhood, I always used to call you kutty aanai (‘baby elephant’ in Tamil). What is so different today ? I didn’t mean to hurt you. Why are you crying so bitterly dear ? Are you all right ?

Slowly, Anu poured out her heart to Preeti. About how she felt about her looks, her crumbling physical stamina and her bulging tummy that refused to reduce, with all her attempts.

Preeti heard her out patiently. “Anu, calm down… You could have discussed this with me much earlier during our video calls…. Post delivery, our bodies need time to heal and you must be patient with your body. It took 9 months for you to deliver a baby and you cannot expect your body to bounce back overnight.

Moreover, your bulging tummy could be because of a weak core. Your abdomen muscles would have weakened during your pregnancy and this can strain your back as well. This often looks like a bulging tummy, but ab crunches and other heavy duty exercise can just make it worse. This condition is called Diastasis Recti. I myself had a weak core post Vivaan’s delivery and had to undergo physiotherapy. Probably you were too young then. Many women have this condition in their post-partum period.

Don’t worry. I am here in India for the next 2 months. I will take you to a physiotherapy center tomorrow. Let them clinically assess your core condition and we will slowly start off with exercises that will help you strengthen your core. It will be a slow process, but gradually your back pain and aches will reduce and your abdomen muscles will also heal.

Don’t lose heart. You are still and will always be the most beautiful person for all of us. Right, Mahesh ?” Anu turned around and realized her husband had been standing behind all along. He came forward and hugged her. “Yes, Preeti akka.. I completely agree… My dearest Anu will always be the most beautiful girl in my life… the only girl with whom I fell in love with, and who will be the person I will always love in my life, no matter what”.

Anu smiled and wiped away her tears. She felt stronger mentally and lot more cheerful. It felt like a load had been lifted off her heart, when she realized she could slowly heal herself. Her positivity came back and she was all set to welcome a new tomorrow, a new beginning.