A Decision To Withdraw
A Decision To Withdraw2 mins 211 2 mins 211
When asked about the weakness I want to overcome, I told her that I lack assertiveness. And I have always withdrawn whenever confronted, even if unjustifiably. All through my career. May be in my personal life too. She asked me if it was not enough reason to seek counsel? Yes, certainly. But I sought excuses. About circumstances that looked very real to me, disconcerting, overwhelming and insurmountable; the same feeling one has when the list of pending tasks grow unimaginably lengthy. I tried out one method, however. To dissociate my anger so that I react less and less. This is to acquire stillness. Oh, but I became so still that I haven't been feeling any reason to react even if insulted. Why did I tolerate? Because there was no other way out. It has been a long suffering. I did not express any preference so I was adjusted with whatever was left out or was given nothing.
This continued till I left. When I left, there was so huge a gap that the danger of collapse set in. I have not kept records of the collapses. I did not grow either.
But one day, it was a 'today'. I left again. This time it was not just an 'act', it was a 'decision'. I won't be the same person anymore. And I did not disappear. I just dissociated from any effort of being included to an insulting circumstance. I did not do anything, but I suppose I brought in the courage to not show up when there is deliberate attempt to ignore me.