A Day Without Ejaculation

“You know mom sometimes I wonder how innocent would I be if I had stayed in your uterus and never came out,” Christine said while tightening the noose of the rope. 

Christine mothers' not blinking her eyes with terror just gave a cold look.

“Mom my biggest fear is not being hated by me but by you if your silence turns into anguish and you punish yourself, it is not you but I who’ll be suffering and you know me I’ve always been a coward. I never took a stand. Never! To pay my debts I stole from you. I sold your only costliest watch my father your late husband gave it to you on deathbed as last remembrance still you believed in me and because of which I did it again but you being aware still kept your money in that same burgundy purse on the glass shelf of the living room every day, every time to lure me, to attract me, to trap me in an infinite sequence of sins. I know, I know you kept it there with the hope that someday I’ll come and ask you but it’s too late all my debts are being paid and now I’m at a place where I’m waiting to start my new debts again” Christine said with an eager look in her eyes but her mother chose to share the silence in the room.

“I know your silence mom I know the emotion behind it I can smell the fear in you I remember that day very much It was a Sunday noon of summer’s holiday three years back well when you found me ejaculating in my room, on my bed, trying to seek pleasure through pictures of my uncle, your little brother, whose pictures you kept in your room’s cupboard, from where I stole it though not for a longer period but momentary. At first, I thought you’ll yell at me, scream at me or slap me so hard that I’ll lose consciousness but you being you just took a long pause at door and stayed quiet for a while, stared me with terror in the eyes and then with same silence carried on with your work. You didn’t speak a word even after it, no matter how many days went by. You chose to be silent as moon on the late winter night” Christine’s continued with a trembling voice.

 “But then and now in both these situations do you know mom what do I feel? What do I ask? What do I seek? No! Not repentance. Though being a catholic Christian it’s the best I can do but still, that’s not what I seek, not because I’m not ashamed but because the acts are not forgivable. What I seek is acceptance! Acceptance of who I am and who I should be at least from you because I never did, I never understood my nature, that’s why and how I turned out to be the one who I hated the most. Hating myself never helped me but it gave me a momentary pleasure a never-ending desire. A desire that burnt me and with me all my beloved.” 

“Believe me mom when I say this I never wanted to get intimate with my dead uncle but I don’t know what got into my head when I saw his dead body lying in his room with nobody around at that time suddenly the scenes which I visualize during ejaculation went on in my head I started to recall with no control on myself I just gave myself in, at that very moment I forgot who I was, what I was and what I was about to do". Christine probed but her mother gave lifeless expressions.

“When 2 days back I saw his lifeless body in front of me in the same room I imagined every time at first it made me sad and then it made me nervous like my feet started to shake though I kissed his head first my lips went on to his blue lips trying to suck a little life in me like I was trying to capture his soul in me. I tried to stop myself but God knows what happened a current passed in my body and I started to push myself over him and he being lifeless just accepted my torment and let me undress him.”

“I tried but not my body, my soul got paralyzed like it went to a long sleep and I was not able to wake my conscience up. I wish it was my body rather than my soul being paralyzed it would have not let you see me naked lying on my dead uncle’s chest rubbing myself on him. I know belonging to a poor family no one’s going to forgive me for my deeds.” Christine helped her mother to climb the stool.

“Mom let me tight the noose I don’t want you to suffer anymore…” saying this Christine give her a push and Christine’s mother spread a smile on her face