A Break Up
A Break Up
“How are you still alive with such a severe issue? asked my boyfriend Adil while we were crossing the streets. Now if I was in my normal state of mind his question would have hit me hard. But it did not even touch me. It came right out of his mouth and vanished before my ears. I heard it but felt nothing. Which is even worse than getting hurt. Instead, I forced a smile and ignored him. Adil and I met after eight months. ours was a long-distance relationship. He was pursuing a master's degree in Delhi and I was looking for a job after graduation in my home state. So due to obvious reasons, we couldn't meet much.
Usually, I craved to see him but today it felt more like a duty. ”Take this packet with you” he handed me the pack of leftover noodles which I could not finish in the restaurant. I took it from him and gave him a hug. He hugged me back and told me to take care. Then he rode away on his bike while I waited for my bus to come. The bus arrived after 15 minutes. I took a window seat in the last row. While walking towards my seat I felt like all the eyes inside the bus were staring at me. As if they were questioning my existence. I wished I had an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter in the movie. I could use it to conceal my presence from the outside world and feel safe. It was a long ride back to my room. I tried to focus on the outside view through the bus window.
It was only 5:30 in the evening and the sky was preparing for sunset. Northeast sees sunsets early than the rest of India. The bus went over the riverside road covered with old mahogany trees on both sides. A soft breeze was blowing which moved my curly tendrils tucked behind my ears. For a moment the breeze took away the thoughts which otherwise hammered me. I felt like a feather. I forgot that I had the weight of unemployment on my shoulder. I forgot that I have not been sleeping for weeks. It was a good moment. A temporary escape.
“Is this seat reserved?” A woman’s voice startled me. without looking at her face I replied “No”.she sat beside me and rested her head on the headrest. soon she dozed off with her mouth open. I observed her sleep. It reminded me of how effortlessly I slept on the bus rides during my college days. Now I cant even fall asleep on a bed let alone a bus.it made me jealous of her. And there it was. All my crazy thoughts returned to me. They need me to entertain themselves. I was their puppet. They were like microbes which we study in biology. They will replicate themselves into hundreds and you cannot identify the origin. I could see them whirling around my head. “I need to sleep. I don't have a job. I am so stupid”. I am not sure whether it started from “I am stupid" or "I need to sleep”. Well in these kinds of situations I would usually open my laptop and play a movie. That doesn't throw my thoughts away but keeps them stagnant for a while.
But now I couldn't stop them from rummaging through my mind. On the arrival of my stoppage, I had to speak under my breath “It’s my stoppage and I need to get down”. I could see the signboard with big letters “NEXT HOME Girls PG. But I couldn't move from my seat. My legs felt tied up. One with “I can't sleep” and another with “I am jobless”. Then to my rescue, another thought popped up “I will see a therapist”. It somehow detangled me from my compulsive thoughts and I could get down on the next stoppage. After reaching my room I sat down on my tiny bed and opened the packet that I brought along with me. I opened it like a thief opening a lock. I didn’t want my roommate to wake up. well, it's not because I did not want to share food with her. It’s because these days I have developed an obsession with silence. I avoided interactions with people to a great extent. I didn't want them to think that I was acting weird.
It's been one year that I moved to Guwahati in search of a job. And that's when I met Adil for the first time, in one of the exam centers. we sat next to each other. He seemed gentle and sweet. when the examiner distributed question papers we both had the same shocking expression. It was a tough paper and we were not well-prepared. we looked at each other and passed an awkward smile. And one thing led to another. After one month he went to Delhi for his MBA.we use to talk for hours over the phone.
Soon we came into a relationship. Everything was perfect. we both were supportive of each other and
gave each other space. He told me “I never felt so peaceful at any relationship before this." I said
“Nothing could go wrong”. We both are loyal. We will make it for sure.” The first 6 months were perfect. In the 7th month, I decided to tell him about my condition. It was embarrassing at first. I thought he wouldn't believe me like any other person surrounding me. I did not know how to describe the bunch of crazy thoughts that have started to make my mind as their home. They make me feel miserable all the time and I can't concentrate on my daily stuff like a normal person. He listened to me with all his patience for two weeks. He suggested me to do yoga and keep myself busy in studies along with many other solutions. I tried them all, but my condition worsened with time. I couldn't sleep. The pressure of getting a job was so thick that it blocked my normal senses. I did everything. I would go for a walk, do yoga, listened to relaxing songs, and read motivational books.
But the results were not convincing. I visited one psychiatrist as well. but during the entire session, she kept using her phone. After the session, she gave me a long list of medicines. I came to my room and threw all the medicines away. Trust! I was having a trust deficiency. I don't know if that’s even a medical condition. But my insomnia and compulsive thoughts were something.
Talking to Adil increased my heart rate.it made me overwhelmed. No, I was not in love. I felt scared of
talking to him because I did not have answers to his questions. He would ask me “when are you getting better? “He asked me “what is wrong with you?” It felt like a deadline for my recovery and I knew I couldn't meet it.so I lied to him. I told him I am getting better. I told him I am back to my studies and ready to take the exams. He believed me. For a few days, he would tell me about his life in Delhi. when he asked about mine I would lie that there is not much going on to tell him. Soon we went out of topics.
He also got busy in his exams before the vacation and we did not talk much. Once or twice he would ask me for pictures of mine. After looking at them he would say “you look fine. Nothing is wrong with you.” Sometimes I imagine him saying to me “No matter what I will be there for you”. Then I would get
frightened with the reality and sweat profusely. I would be anxious about the future. Thoughts like not having a job and then getting married to a stranger and having kids scared the hell out of me. But I couldn't share it with Adil. He will get a panic attack if I discuss marriage with him. It's not his fault. I was insane. Adil seemed excited to be back home in his vacations. He planned it to celebrate with me.so I did not dare to tell him that I am not doing well. But deep down I knew I was losing him. I lost him the day I lost myself. I knew the future of our relationship. I knew that he would break up with me. Not now but one day he will.
And that day was approaching. At first, I cried. I felt guilty for not able to hold our relationship. whenever I see a couple walking together holding hands, It broke my heart. I wished it could be us. but I knew we won’t make it that long. It's strange when you know your future but cannot do anything about it. “Have you reached” Adil texted me. I replied “yes”. Then he went into typing mode for a few minutes. But I did not get any text back. So I kept my phone aside and went back to attend my thoughts. The next day I opened my eyes at around 6 in the morning. I won’t say I woke up because I never slept. I checked my phone and saw a text from Adil. There was no call. I opened my WhatsApp to read it. It made me feel something for the first time in many days.
I felt a sense of freedom. A lightness on my shoulders. Adil broke up with me. He said He is sorry. Nothing is wrong with me. It's about him. But I knew it was not him. It was me. I was the one who was not in the relationship. I was the one who was being selfish and stopped bothering about the relationship. I sacrificed it for my own sake. It was me who broke up with him. He did not know that. I felt guilty at first but then realized that my relationship with my own self was broken. How can I fix a relationship with another person?
Being single felt good. Now I can heal at my own pace. It transferred in me an unspeakable strength. I am no more answerable to him. I don't need to recover before a deadline. Two days later I visited a therapist. She listened to my story and wrote something on a paper. It seemed like a quotation."Before you diagnose yourself with depression, first make sure you are not, in fact, just
surrounded by Assholes". I couldn't help but laugh at her words. I knew I was in the right hands.