River

The darkness within me stirred

And memories of you submerged.

My pillow wet with sweat and tears,

Was drenched with sadness.

The dark scurried to the surface

Of my deepest fear.

The emptiness of my room

Made me full;

I only felt beautiful when I starved.

Collar bones

and broken homes

Surrounded my appearance

You let my darkness

Eat eat eat

At me.

Until i couldn't breathe.

My sheets were cold and stiff like rain,

It always rains at funerals.

Depression is like the rain

Flooding, consuming.

It can makes oceans and waves that swallow me whole.

No one would know, no one would see.

It's all a competition you see,

To see who's the worst.

Who hurts the most

Who cuts the most

Who starves the most.

No one is happy until they're dead.

I'm sorry,

I'm sorry,

I didn't mean to depress you

But when boys ask,

No means yes.

Hands up skirts and eyes would with lust

Oh, but it was my fault.

I looked too slut

I felt too good

I drank too much.

Oh no,

Let me stop

Before I get caught

Saying things I'm not supposed to.

My mouth is a river that spills

And

Spills

And

Spills

Let me stop the waterfall

Let me take a break.

Let me talk about

All my stupid mistakes

I fell in love one too many times

With abusers and users

That wanted more than just a kiss

Heartbreak and tears

Depression and broken smiles

I hid my fear of redemption

I didn't want to be saved

For a winning price

At a chance for another love

Why do I make the same mistakes

Over

And over

And over

And over

Again?

Never enough, never enough

I'm tumbling

back and forth

I'm fighting them in my bed at night

You'll never know,

You'll never understand

Until you're fighting

Them in your head

And having nightmares

In your bed

Until the darkness in you stirs

Until your pillows are drenched with sadness, sweat, and tears

Until your memories are submerging

And until you're purging over what you ate for dinner.