Deep Blue Ocean

Every day I rise from my bed

Only to draw the blinds

That allows the sunlight through them, against my will.

Every day I count hours wishing the sun to go back to its cave, while I recoil under my blanket withdrawn from the world.

In the dead of the night

When even sleep abandons me,

I think of all the mistakes I committed,

The times I have been a disappointment.

In the middle of meals

I can't put a spoonful in my mouth for the fear it would poison me enough to dream about hope again.

Every day I think that I am trying

To push past the guilt and shame.

A need, almost a compulsion hovers around me like a deep blue cloud.

The desperate need to pull this dagger out of my chest,

Break all the ties, to finally dive

And drown in the sea once and for all.

Every time I feel like I am trying,

It just never feels enough to stop the throbbing pain in my chest,

To destroy the lump in my throat.

I have fought with the vast ocean since the day it celebrated my arrival. But I am losing everything now, and finally succumbing to the ocean.

Every day I rise from my bed only to draw the blinds.