Blue Malady

I've spent years

relying on daydreams 

to subdue the numbness

of sleepless nights

and endless battles

within my own mind,

Yet, tonight when I shed gallons of tears,

I have only my bed and pillow to share.

I've learnt

that my sadness is my very own.

For sometimes,

bad things happen when you let people in. Before everything,

I have been warned

but I chose to listen

to the soothing, wrong, hopeful voices

"He means no harm!"

Capturing innocent hearts

Trust flows without thinking.

It’s easy to be fooled

by your feelings within,

and harder to really see

what hides beneath the skin.

The promise of something beatiful

Now a corpse,

killed not by his hand...

but the mistakes guided by mine.

His "I love you"s became poison,

that seeped deep into my bone,

turned blue skies grey,

and turned light into darkness.

I believe,

one shot on my head

won't hurt that much

the way he destroyed my heart.

He radiates the pain I feel.

Well played!

Perhaps

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,

I am the anti-hero of my own autobiography -

the protagonist that gains nothing!

Where by the end of the 400 page novel,

the reader understands,

They’ve wasted their time!

I am now trying to shrink myself,

trying to become smaller, quieter,

less sensitive, less opinionated,

less needy, and less me.

Shivering silently in the darkness,

I feel myself sinking,

to point of almost giving up

Ready to accept certain death.

I looked at photos on my phone 

only deleting them

when the substance in my lungs

is strong enough to subdue 

the aching in my chest,

as I remember the happiness

and the love that we held.

Once again trying to decide

if the tragedy is hiding elsewhere

or somewhere trapped inside.

It's a dim light

with no glimmer anymore.

I see less colours now

and my muscles ache.

I yearn for remedies

For the malady of his loss.

I move less, smell less, feel less.

It's cold as I subdue to the pull.

Maybe I just need distance,

Maybe I just need time...