Memories

My grandmother passed away last August. It is not yet a year but I already miss her. She had so much influence on me that memories and moments and thoughts on 'if she was here now..' keeps flooding my mind at times.

My baby was born a day after Valentine's day. I was working from home on 14th but I was not feeling good. She used to make me walk for half an hour every day. She clocks the time and as I walk she will be reciting one of the many hundred scriptures or hymns that she knows. It was a peaceful feeling, something that made me calm. When I was going to the hospital at 7 in the evening, worried because this was happening two weeks early, and because my husband was not yet home, and because this was my first, and for a million other nameless things, the last thing I saw was her sitting in her chair, her prayer book in her hand. That soothed me. I knew then it was going to be okay because she will be praying. That was one thing I was sure about. We used to tell her to pray for even the silliest of things and we knew she will pray. That was a constant in our lives. I delivered my baby girl without much complications at 8 20 in the morning next day, and I was sure she was praying then too. Even now, I think of something urgent and asking her to pray is what automatically comes to my mind.

After my baby was born, she was there to help. At one time, my mother was admitted in hospital, and she used to take care of us, the home, the kitchen and then find time for her vegetable garden. At 80, she used to catch the bus at 4 30 to Guruvayur, and be back on the same day - all alone.

She was ill for about a year, but her spirit was just the same. We came to stay at my home in April before her death and she used to joke out with my kid. The bond they shared was something I will treasure forever. My kid used to eat food with her from the same plate. She used to go to her calling out "Ammannee" a name whose variant my elder cousin used to call her. She used to kiss her goodnight and give her medicines. My baby was fortunate that she could have some moments with her great grandmother.

That my grandmother was a strong woman came only next to the love and care she had for us. She was my mother's unfailing support - her pillar of strength. She could do anything. My mother still breakdown at times thinking of her. Her last few days were hard for her and for us. On the day before she passed away, I sat with her for a long time, gave her food and talked about silly unimportant things - I can't recollect a single thing that I told her, but I remember the love. In the morning before she was taken to the hospital, I sat next to her, her frail old hands in mine and told her to be back before Sunday. She then smiled the most peaceful smile that I have seen on her face for a long time and pointed upwards. It disturbed me and I ignored it. Somehow we both knew what was coming. So when Amma called after just an hour of reaching the hospital, I knew it was time. In her last hours, Amma sat with her and saw her fading away and I sat at my home, doing the only thing that she would have done. I sat and prayed.

She left a lot of memories with us. She taught me to be hard, to keep emotions at bay - but never to forget to express them. She taught me to be strong and to learn to take care of ourselves. She taught me to be independent and to do what is right and just.

She will forever be my favorite and I like to believe that she is there - up in the sky as a very very bright twinkling star. I talk to her at times and I hope she can hear me and know how much I love her still.