Yes, I Failed..

"It's Sunday but the sun didn't shine today"

"It's raining badly but my heart feels heavier than the rain"

I spent all the day in my balcony looking at rain with so many thoughts but none by my side to share with. Actually, I'm not a gloomy person. I have a happy family, a pretty decent life with a decent job. But, my mood changed today after seeing messages in a whatsapp group.

"Congrats Anusha!! We are proud of you", most of them said.

"Congrats Anusha!! Your story is really good. After reading your autobiography, I realised how hard you worked and it's really inspiring", one of my friends sent. 

I didn't feel good seeing those messages. My past memories flashed in my mind. It was in high school when I first met Anusha.

On my first day of school, I saw this girl with timid eyes and a slightly faded uniform. Never did I imagine that this girl would soon become my best friend. 

"Silence everyone! She is your classmate from today. Her name is Akhila. Akhila, introduce yourself to your classmates", the teacher said. 

After my self introduction, teacher told me to reach out to Anusha for any help as she's the best in class. 

"Hey, I'm Anusha. There's a vacant seat beside me. You can sit with me instead of sitting here alone.", she offered me during break time. 

I happily moved to that seat as I was feeling bad for changing school and being alone.

Anusha was the class leader who topped in every exam and was a calm, innocent and a well-behaved girl. We soon became good friends.

We used to spend a lot of time at my home during holidays. I always wondered why she never invited me to her home. One day she told me about her family. 

"Akhila, I never shared this with anyone. My parents got divorced when I was 9. I have been living with my aunt and uncle whom I call my parents", she continued.

"I'm so grateful to them that it's difficult for me to become close to them. Though I call my aunt as Mom, I can never forget that she is not", she said.

"I like to visit your house to see your family. It brings me happiness to see a happy family", she said. It would have been better if she didn't say that because I never thought we were a happy family.

I didn't know what to say. So, I just silently tapped on her shoulder to comfort her. We became best friends whom the whole school knows as "a topper and her friend". We were together everywhere, everytime and in everything.

I didn't realise that she becoming my best friend would make me suffer so much. Wherever I went, people asked me about her and praised her for being good in literally everything. It was during those days that I understood how bad it is to have a "good" friend.

My mom was never happy with my grades. Though I never failed in any exam, I was always a failure according to her. 

Whenever I told my mom, "Ma! I got a B+", her first reply was always, "What grade did Anusha get?". Obviously, it was better than mine.

Everyone compared us and told me to learn from her and be "succesful" like her. I might sound like a jealous friend but believe me, I tried really hard to ignore everyone and continue to be a good friend.

We joined same engineering college and we were classmates even there. By then, I got used to people saying that I'm lucky to have a friend like her. I too, somehow, accepted that I was lucky to have her as my friend.

Then came a person in my life, Arun. He was very similar to me. Not so good in studies, liked to hangout with friends, fun-loving. He joined our squad and we soon became "three" from "two". I enjoyed spending time with him so much that I sometimes lied to Anusha to meet him alone.

He made me realise that people like us do exist, we can survive, being the best is not necessary and most importantly, he made me realise that I'm special too. Slowly and naturally

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, I fell in love with him.

For the first time, I was really happy for myself. Just seeing him, made my day beautiful. It was my first love. With the hidden feelings inside me, I was happy just to see his smile whenever I ran towards him.

Seeing his warm smile, the confidence in me increased day by day. I felt that he had same feelings for me.

Finally, after loving him for four long years, on our graduation day, I confessed my love to him.

"Arun, it took me so long to gather courage to tell you this. I'm not trying to sound filmy, but I really don't remember being happy in my life before meeting you", I said. The look on his face after hearing this, troubled me. 

I felt embarassed but continued, "I love you Arun!".

The words I heard from him that day shattered my happy world.

"I'm really sorry Akhila. I proposed Anusha today. She...".

With so much pain and embarassment, I ran away that day, didn't want to hear him complete the sentence. Even when people looked down on me because of Anusha, I learnt to ignore. That day, she stole my only happiness in life. I couldn't take it anymore. I've cut off myself from everyone and moved to another city, Banglore for MBA.

After two years, one day in a mall, I ran into my engineering classmate, Prerna. 

While talking, she told me about Arun and Anusha's wedding. My heart paused for a second. I thought I moved on. Maybe I didn't.

She took my phone number and added me to a whatsapp group - "BTech Friends!"

The first thing I did was to check Arun's profile picture. I don't want to accept but I really missed him and wanted to see him. Another blow. I saw them together in the picture, smiling broadly as if they forgot that there existed a person supposedly close to them named Akhila.

Tears rolled my cheeks continuously though I struggled a lot to stop them and wiped them to leave no evidence of my unrequited love for this guy.

That day, I felt that everyone laughed at me, "You are a failure". I screamed inside me in silence, "No!"

                   ***

My eyes became wet as I wrote this. I lifted my head to wipe away my tears so that they don't fall on my dairy. After penning down all my thoughts, it felt light. They were hidden inside me all these years. It was not that I didn't have people to share these with, but I didn't want to think of them again in my life.

The knock on my door interrupted the train of thoughts in my head. I went to open the door to see Akshay, my husband with his luggage. He went on a business trip and he's back home. Seeing him brought a comforting smile on my face. 

This person brought me back to life. He came like a blessing for all the sadness in my life. Even today, his timing was so much like a comfort with unsaid words.

By the time he got fresh up, I read my dairy again. This time, with a different feeling.

While reading for the second time, it was Anusha who brought tears to my eyes. All the good memories with her during our old days flashed in my mind. I came far away without telling her anything. She had no one except me. I was so selfish and wrong that I blamed her for everything. I suddenly wanted to talk to her.

It was very easy for me to lose her but it's really difficult to atleast type a "Hi" on whatsapp now. I came a long way already and it can't be changed now. 

I realised that everything in my life turned out good eventually. I have a happy family, a pretty decent life with a decent job. The only missing thing in my life is the presence of my best friend, Anusha. How childish I was in losing a best friend who was with me for so long. 

I remembered thinking to myself hundreds of times that I'm not a failure. For the first time I whispered to myself, 

"Yes, I failed"