Mental Mad

It wasn’t as if she were a monster. Not really. She wasn’t perfect, no, but she was a good person who cared about people and who always tried to do the right thing. She worked hard, enjoyed challenging herself and loved to be around people, listening to them and learning from them. There was always so much to learn and to discover. She loved life and was eager to travel and share her experiences. She had always been strong, independent and very curious. She loved books and movies. She loved nature. She spent her time enjoying all these activities, mostly on her own and she didn’t mind it at all. It was peaceful.

And then she met him.

The man who had shown her how life could be even better. How sharing experiences with someone could be even more enriching. And she loved him for that. He had broken down her walls and had shown her what a true partnership was like. She had never experienced anything like that before. They laughed a lot together, shared stories, they took care of each other and of any situation that arose, it was as if nothing could stop them, it was them against the world. Together they rocked. She was happier than she had ever been. She had a job where she could grow and develop herself, she had a home and she had someone to come home to. Not just anyone, someone special, someone who really knew her and made her feel safe and loved.

Then one day he left.

Did he get bored? Did he not love her anymore? She didn’t know. He didn’t talk to her; he didn’t explain it to her. He just couldn’t go on. That’s it. What the hell did that even mean? Had they not always been a team? Couldn’t they face any problem together? Had she meant nothing to him after all? She thought about all these things as she looked at herself in the mirror in the dimly lit bathroom. She saw she was crying, the tears forming in her beautiful hazel eyes and streaming down her cheeks. She brushed them away with the back of her hand, leaving a streak of red on her cheek. Red? She looked down at her hands. She stared at them and squinted, her bloody hands, whose blood? She couldn’t remember. She checked her arms, her wrist, had she tried to hurt herself? No. It wasn’t her blood. She was fine.

What had she done?

The beginning

It was a chilly night in late December in Lisbon. Michelle was making her way through the Christmas shopping crowds and tourists to get to an event downtown. She wasn’t particularly enthused about this event, but it was something to do, socialise, meet people, keep busy and entertained. Why not? After the week she had had, it would feel good to just unwind with a group of complete strangers. She got to the place and was immediately greeted by the host. A nice Brazilian lady who started to introduce her to the people that were already there. She was handed a drink and started to chat with an expat gentleman from the United States, a psychologist who had been living in Lisbon for the past year. Then, it was a young holistic practitioner who was living in Cascais and a businessman. She made her way through the small groups of people until she met a young Irish lady, Trish, who was there with her Portuguese boyfriend. They chatted for a while, laughed and shared travel stories. As they spoke, she felt a strange magnetic pull to one side. She looked in the direction of the pull and there he was. He was looking at her and her heart skipped a beat. She quickly looked away, embarrassed and confused at what she was feeling. She continued speaking to her new friend who was now telling her something about Ireland or the U.K. she couldn’t quite understand as her thoughts were a little muddled. Before she knew it, her new friend called him over.

“Hey Tom, come here and clarify something for us would you?” He walked over towards us, this beautiful smile on his face, his eyes were bright and alive.

“Hi Trish, what do you need me to clarify?”. He looked at Michelle, smiled, and it was as if the rest of the world just faded away. Trish was saying something to him, but Michelle was no longer listening to her. All she could do was look at his face and hear his voice. What an amazing voice! It was so soothing and powerful at the same time. He started speaking to her and she snapped back to reality.

“Umm…so, you also come from Ireland?” (Ugh, dumbass, of course he does that is what Trish had said, mental eye roll).

“Well, actually, I am partly from Ireland, but I grew up in the Netherlands near Amsterdam”. (Again, that smile…)

“Oh, wow, I love the Netherlands! I was there a few years ago and it almost felt like home for me. I’m from South Africa. I’m Michelle, by the way”. She smiled at him, feeling a bit more relaxed and shook his hand. It was so warm considering the night was quite chilly. He smiled back and his eyes seemed to sparkle.

“So, what else do you love? Aside from the Netherlands that is…” He winked. Michelle smiled and immediately felt so at home with him.

They started to talk about books and movies and found that they had a lot of the same tastes and interests. The conversation just flowed and before she knew it, the event was already over. How had that happened? The hours had flown by! She completely forgot about everyone else and she didn’t even see what had happened to Trish or where she had gone. They had spent the night just talking and laughing and it had been wonderful. Tom looked at her, he seemed a bit disappointed.

“Looks like we have to leave, it’s late already. Which way are you going?”

“Well, I have to go up to Avenida de Liberdade, it’s where I left my car.” She looked up at him, not wanting the night to end, but too shy to say anything.

“I could walk with you a bit, I will need to catch the metro in that direction anyway…” He looked at her shyly and her heart melted. She wanted to shout “Hell yeah!”, but controlled herself.

“Sure, that would be great.” They smiled at each other, said goodbye to the people that were still left and made their way towards Avenida da Liberdade.

They walked slowly and shared so much about their experiences, what they liked and what their expectations and ambitions were. They spoke about relationships and romance, how silly and unrealistic all those rom-coms were and how beautiful real life can be in all it’s raw imperfections. It was perfect. When they finally reached the metro station, Tom hesitated a bit, he didn’t want the night to be over, but he really did have to go.

“I want to see you again. Is that okay?”

Michelle could hardly contain herself, “Yes, I would like that too, I guess we could meet after Christmas?”.

“Okay.”

They exchanged numbers and settled on a date. He looked into her eyes so intensely it made her feel more nervous than she had ever felt before. Then he leaned down and softly kissed her lips. Such a simple, gentle kiss, but it caused such intense feelings to course through her body. She had never felt this for anyone before. It was scary and thrilling at the same time. She knew then and there that he would be special.

And so, they met up after Christmas and then again a few days later. After their third date, Michelle knew that she was in love with Tom. He was perfect for her. Exactly what she never knew she had been looking for in a man. They were compatible and she knew that he would never hurt her or stop her from exploring and progressing in life. She would be the same for him. She wanted to grow with him and share a life together. It all felt so surreal, but then again, when you know, you know, right?

Two months later, they moved in together. It was so easy. There should have been a certain amount of awkwardness that you feel when you first move in with someone and share a bedroom and bathroom with that one person, but there was no awkwardness. It felt right. They held each other close when they were out and even closer when they stayed in. They cooked together and tried out new food. They watched movies and series and spent hours chatting about them. Tom even read to her in that beautiful voice of his. She felt safe, she felt loved and she felt happy. They teased each other constantly and when they made love it was real and deep and passionate. Whenever a problem arose, they tackled it. She had no doubt in her mind that this was a man she could count on that would be by her side and never let go. He told her that he would never let her go, that she was the one and that he loved her deeply. She believed him.

For almost three years she believed that their love was strong enough to endure anything.

He lied.

The shoe drops

“I don’t feel well”, Tom looked out at the street unable to look into her eyes.

Michelle was confused, what was he trying to tell her? He still loved her, but he didn’t want to be with her anymore. What did that even mean?

“I don’t understand. You still love me?” “Yes, I do”. “But you want to break up?”.

“Yes. I need to be alone. I am confused and stressed and I can’t be with you”.

Michelle felt sick. She didn’t understand anything that he was saying. They had been so good together. Yes, there had been a few problems, she was not denying that there had been some very stressful moments related to work and family matters, but couldn’t they work that out? I mean after all, they were done with all that. Michelle had spent the last year making sure that she sorted out all her “baggage” so that they could start a life together with a clean slate. They had had a plan and now, without so much as consulting her, he was changing the plan and abandoning her. The man who had said that he would never hurt her, leave her and who had proclaimed that he had known when he met her that she was “the one”, was now leaving her.

“You can’t make your happiness all about me” He turned around and said to her.

She looked at him confused, “you are not my sole source of happiness. I am happy to be here, I am happy with my work and I was very happy to have you in my life. I love you. You “complete” my happiness. Is that so wrong? Shouldn’t you be happy with the person you are with?”

She was starting to get angry now. What was his problem? He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts and feelings that he wasn’t really listening to her. Yes, they had been apart due to work for some time. Yes, it had been hard and there had been some ups and downs, but she was here with him now and still committed. Had she been wrong all along? Had he never really loved her as much as he had said he did? Had he meant anything he had said to her? Yes, a person can change, but this was way too radical a change considering everything that they had been to each other. She just couldn’t wrap her head around it. It did not make sense to her. All she could feel was confusion, anger and pain. Physical pain. Emotional pain. But most of all psychological pain. This just messed with her head. She had never been the big, romantic type then he came along, changed her whole world, made her believe in love and connection and true partnership and now that she believed in that, he was taking it all back. It never really existed. Haha, fooled you.

What the fuck?

Snap!

So now she stood here, in the bathroom, unable to remember what had happened. Her hands full of blood. Why can’t she remember? She didn’t even know what day it was.

She knew it had been two months since she last saw him. Two months!

So much had happened in those two months. It had been good. She had really tried to move on and live her life.

She started to wash her hands; the blood just poured into the sink making her feel ill. She finished washing them and walked to the living room, sat on the sofa and sobbed. There was so much pain inside of her, she needed to let it all out. Eventually, she fell asleep.

Her dreams were not peaceful, she tossed and turned until she suddenly woke up.

“I remember!”, she shouted out in the dark room.

She sat up and replayed it in her head. Everything that she had remembered.

She had been out for lunch with a friend when she saw them. He was walking alongside her, she was chatting away and he was smiling, listening to her. Michelle couldn’t help it, she followed them. They went to his place and she made her way inside the building. She could hear them laughing through his door. She knocked and someone opened the door.

Michelle took a moment and looked around. She took in her surroundings. This is why she kept bumping into things, this is why she thought there would be more noise. She wasn’t in her apartment; she was in his.

Everything came back to her now. She sat on the sofa for a few more minutes, finally at peace.

When she eventually got up and left, she took one last look at the building, smiled and made her way back home.