Unstoppable

Ahhhhhhh......Thuddddddddd......

 

I was startled by the loud sound. I looked at the clock. It was 4.54 am. The silence of a beautiful dawn was shaken by a huge sound of something crashing down on the glass roof over the pavement. The sound of glass scattering was scary. Some heavy thing had fallen from a height. The crash was screeching loud. But what was more horrifying was the loud scream of some person just before the fall. 'Someone has fallen Anurag..' I tried waking up the Anurag who was wiping his eyes with both hands. Before realising what has happened, Anurag sprung from his bed and ran towards the door. I ran behind him. Someone was continuously banging the door. The bell kept ringing back to back. 

It was Mrs.Iyer seemingly horrified with what has just happened. 'Anurag Anurag......' Her voice was choking and she was shivering from top to toe. Nothing was getting clear. Anurag was desperately trying to ask her what has happened. But she was sweating profusely and was not able to say a word. Suddenly there were people running downstairs in chaos. 'What has happened Anurag...' 'Anurag...' I again asked clinging to his shirt. But he ran downstairs in a hurry. Something horrible has happened. Something very brutal. 

I stood at the door not knowing what to do next. There was a feeling of a glooming sadness everywhere. Noises of people screaming and weeping started filling the morning. Somebody shouted 'Noooo.. She's no more... ' A life had ended.. abruptly. 

It was a weird feeling of not wanting to know the situation, but still my head was trying to figure out who it was. I went weak in my knees. I went back and rested on the couch. There was grief everywhere. I wanted to be near Anurag but realized he was downstairs. The silence in the room was killing me.

So I stood up and started walking downstairs. Every step felt so heavy and difficult to lift. I saw Monica at her door and tried calling her a number of times. But she was busy trying not to allow her son outside. My words went deaf on her ears. I kept walking further down. Amidst all this gloomy feeling, I'd forgotten to use the lift which I usually do. My head was blank. Reaching down i could see people gathered near the pavement. People from neighboring building too were pouring in, to get a glance at the scene. Few were shamelessly clicking pictures of the deceased. As i was walking towards the pavement, I heard someone calling my name. I turned back to see people murmuring in a group. I ignored them to ask who was calling, and kept walking.

From a distance I could make out the deceased was a female. She was lying in a pool of blood. She was fallen on her back. Did someone push her? No one knew. Her husband was seen at a distance sitting on the garden bench. Close friends made sure he did not come too close to the body as it was a police case. I immediately recognized him. He was a calm and composed gentleman. They both were a very sweet couple. This is not a case of murder for sure.

I took a few more steps near the body. She was wearing a black night suit. It seemed the back of her head was totally crushed. I couldn't much see her face as it was tilted the other way. I walked in a few more steps near her. Her eyes were closed and mouth open. Her hair was spread all over the place drenched in the blood pool from her head. A few strands of hair were falling on her eyes and waved along with the cool breeze. The sight of her lying motionless was really scary..

I wanted to go nearer to her and see who she was, but my legs went weak. My eyes kept staring at her motionless body and I froze. 

I don't remember the few seconds after that moment. I don't remember who pulled me away from the body. When I gained consciousness, my head was heavy. The chaos was slowly turning silent. But the soft murmurs in the air was making the atmosphere more tensed. My eyes started searching for Anurag. He was sitting on a bench surrounded by other people. Everyone was silent. I tried to wave at Anurag but he did not notice. I saw Mrs.Iyer Standing at a corner. I was sitting on another bench. Probably I guess she was the one who helped me rest on the bench. She was talking to somebody else and kept looking at me in between. I signaled her that I am okay and just needed some quiet time. She nodded.

I was really tired so I closed my eyes and rested my head on the backrest of the bench. The images of the girl lying motionless on the ground kept flashing in my mind. Innumerable thoughts kept running in my head. 

Who is she? What must have triggered her to end her life in this way? From where did she get that courage to jump out from that height? Is that a solution to all our troubles? How will her dear ones who loved her immensely even survive without her? Why dint she think about them before taking this extreme step? Was it even worth taking our own lives?

My head was paining. I remembered how badly I'd had fought with Anurag last week. For such an abrupt ending lying in front of me, is it worth fighting on petty issues? Issues which can be solved with time. Everything has a solution. I shouldn’t be overreacting in every situation. .

But when Anurag keeps blaming me for not able to a bear a baby I cannot help and l lose my temper. All my tests were positive. Doctors had said over and over again that you are completely fine. It's your husband who has to get checked up now. Then only we can move further. I was tired asking Anurag so many times to get a doctor check-up. But he was so adamant. It was always a huge task to persuade Anurag for anything. It was his way or no way. But who was to blame for. It was his this nature that I had fallen for. I'd mistaken it for his confidence but actually it was his illogical stubbornness. 'Only one time Anurag. Please. Let us only for once confirm all your tests are okay and I assure you everything else I will manage.' But he had only one thing to say 'The problem is not with me. It is because of you that we are childless, you are infertile..'

My eyes opened at the word 'infertile'. I'd heard it infinite times from Anurag, so much so that i started believing him. A wave of tears filled my eyes. I wiped it quietly making sure no one saw me. Once I cried in front of his mom and Anurag felt I cried to gain sympathy from others. 

Meanwhile, an ambulance had made its way through the crowd. The body was lifted and kept aside on a stretcher wrapped up in white. There was blood all over the pavement. The scene of blood was very depressing. I immediately diverted my attention to the other side. 

Some lady I didn't really recognize her well patted my back. 'Dont be afraid beta. Everyone has to go through this cycle of life and death.' I dont know who she was, but really her words had no effect on me. The grief was overpowering any other emotion. I gave her a weak smile and got up to leave.

Actually, I'd become very vulnerable just recently after disagreements between Anurag and me had become a part of our daily routine. . 

I checked in to inform Anurag that I am going home, but he was seen nowhere. 'Mrs. Rathi have you seen Anurag?' But she was talking on the phone with someone. Maybe he is busy with some formalities with the deceased family I thought. I was very tired to search for him and so decided to go home and rest for a while.

While walking towards the building, I turned back to look at the body once again. She was sleeping calmly on that stretcher. Bold stains had filled the white cloth wrapped on her body. I wondered why does a dead body with blood all over has to be wrapped in white. . to emphasize the color of death?? Weird..

Everyone was busy with their own things. People had started to move on with their own stuff. The body was lying still all alone. I took the lift and reached the 6th floor..

Surprisingly, the door to my house was open. 

I'd maybe forgotten to shut it in a hurry, I wondered. After assuring no one has entered the house, I sat on the couch gazing at nothing. All at once, my eyes fell on our big wedding frame on the wall. I remembered we had taken at least 9 retakes before getting that final look. I smiled to myself. 'We looked so perfect together 4 years back. And today we fight so much. But I will hold on to. This phase shall soon glide by and life will again become beautiful..' I kept staring at my picture 4 years back. How bubbly, carefree and highly independent I was. A girl of her own mind. I made my parents proud on every step of my life. but.. 

Over the years, marriage made me a timid, shy and an introvert girl. The real me was Miss. Suruchi Sawant. 

Miss. Suruchi Sawant, securing the first place in state-level economics and literature. Proudly I’d walked towards the aisle to receive my gold medal and certificate of Excellence. That was the day I’d had all the plans for my future sorted. My next aim was a Ph.D. in economics, the first job in Fibers Limited - India's highest-ranked company and then straight to the USA. I always dreamt of living in a foreign country (as we call it) from childhood. Surely so, I backed an aspiring job in Fibers Lmt. on a pretty good salary to start with. Life was perfectly happy and satisfying. My parents too were very satisfied to see how their daughter has now taken charge of her own life. They proudly would call me Sherni meaning a lioness. And soon, there was the entry of the prince charming of my dreams, Mr. Anurag Pillai.

My eyes shifted on to Anurag's photo. He was standing right behind me with his hands on my shoulder. Those strong hands over my shoulder always gave me a feeling of security. My lips unknowingly smiled. I am head over heels in love with him. Memories came flashing again. Anurag. He was my first love. Lovable, understanding and successful in his career. He was the perfect man i always dreamt of. I was his little child, who he insanely pampered. My every word was like a commitment to him. I was enjoying every bit of life along his side.

We married as soon as we got approval from our families, without wasting further time. It was 27.12.2015. The most beautiful day of my life.

My friends though were not much happy. They kept coaxing me to wait until I get more settled in my career. They wanted me to grab a decent job in Texas and then tie the knot. But as they say, love is blind and my life couldn’t be more perfect. That's what I believed. Anurag had promised me to help achieve my dreams even after marriage. We both even had foolproof plans to settle in our respective careers abroad in Texas. Have 2 cute little children, a boy, and a girl. Anurag jokingly would even tell me the plan of how we will have babies and I would melt in his arms :) We were so perfect in this imperfect world. Hahaha... my friends hardly could believe our relationship was for real. I used to wickedly smile at them and often show-off our love in front of them. Life was like a fairy tale. 

And finally so, after a beautiful 3 years of entanglement, we got solemnized for eternity.. so to call for.

We started off with our blissful married life after a grand destination wedding, everything as per the princess's plan (according to Anurag. 

The initial years of marriage were lovely with lots of surprises and candlelight dinners. Anurag was very caring. If I was ill, he was to take a leave and by my side to make sure I am all okay. I was blessed to have a life partner like Anurag. As months and years passed by, Anurag wanted to start a family. I initially turned down his idea as I had already made my career plans clear with him, but he somehow convinced me with his charm, and I gave in. Afterall I loved him so much. 

Laying down on the couch I recalled those lovely nights. Suddenly I walked towards my wardrobe and removed Anurag's favourite red satin dress. 'You look smoking hawwt dear..' he would often say. I took a deep breath holding the dress near my nose. Yes, it still smelled alluring of his deo. It would drive both of us crazy. 

But God had different plans for us. Every month was a failed attempt. Every pregnancy test was negative. Anurag had gradually started losing his patience. He lost hope of starting a beautiful family. To my shock, he started blaming me for not able a child. And why not. I too felt that guilt inside me for not able to give him a child. I kept away the dress and brushing off all the negative thoughts went to make breakfast.

Suddenly, a loud cry came from below the building. I ran at the window and peeped out to see what happened. It was not very clear from the 6th floor but I could sort of see a number of people around the stretcher. Looking more carefully I realized It was her parents. Her mother was holding her beloved daughter tightly and weeping loudly. The sound and the sequence of the incidences happening were making me more and more depressed. 

I decided to prepare breakfast a little later and went inside our bedroom to take some rest. 

The sheets were still all over the bed. But I had no energy to arrange them. The death of that girl had drenched my mind in sadness. My mind was, again and again, thinking on one thing, So many dear ones left behind. So many plans left incomplete. I thought to myself, even I am going through the worst phase of my life. I have become of no importance to Anurag. It's been more than an hour and he hasn't even come to check on me. My career is at stake because of the heavy treatments I've been taking to bear a child. All my plans for the future have disappeared. Those certificates in my drawer, what do I do of them now. My education, my smartness my talent nothing is left anymore. I have no desire no fire inside me to achieve anything in life. Having a baby is the only aim left in my life. And why on earth is it my lone responsibility? Isn't Anurag equally responsible? But he has convicted me for every shit happening in his life. Giving up on this unmeaningful life is the only option for me now. I should die, yess I should die..

I suddenly started laughing aloud. I laughed and laughed and laughed. 'Infertile woman.' This is what Anurag had said to me last night when I went to cuddle him. 'You are just a piece of a pretty face to look at Suruchi. And I am done with it. I want a baby now. You understand.. A baby. . And you cannot give me one. You have become a burden for me now. Useless complete useless. Bitch..' He pulled me by my hair and pushed me to the ground. 

This is what I got after loving you so much Anurag. This. I looked at the scar on my elbow. Pinching on the scar I laughed out loud. The scar did not hurt... I do not know why. The force with which he pushed me to the ground hit me on my soul more than my body. The first time in life someone had abused me this way. And that too Anurag, the love of my life. Anurag, for whom I sacrificed my family, my friends my career my everything was telling me that I am of no use now, was labeling me Infertile unfruitful. I remembered how I was struggling hard that night to persuade him to calm down, Anurag no don't say that, please. We will try ....' 'We.. Not we.. U.. it's you. Understand .. my life is wasted by marrying you bitch. Get lost and don't show me your face. Let me sleep' He turned away and went to sleep. It was difficult to digest the fact that it was this same Anurag who would not allow even a single drop of tear in my eyes. Tugging my head inside the darkness of the sheet I’d cried and cried insanely. After all what was my fault for not able to get pregnant? The man with whom we dreamt together of so many dreams was no more with me now. I was badly broken inside.. very badly.. 

I do not remember how long I’d cried. But that morning my eyes ached. I had no strength in my legs. I couldn’t feel the touch of my hands. My head was spinning and my feet were numb. I remember I was simply gazing at the ceiling fan above with my mouth open. After about a few minutes, I turned to look at Anurag. He still looked upset even in his sleep. There were little wrinkles on his forehead. I knew I was the reason for his grief. I had no reason to live. I sat on the edge of my bed holding it tightly with both my hands. There was some sort of heavy guilt inside me, I don’t know was it the guilt of living a meaningless life or the guilt of not ending my life. My feet went cold and my body was shivering in anger. Memories of that night were still fresh in my mind.

After the long tiring sleepless night, I woke up in the morning. Looked at Anurag and gently kissed his forehead making sure not waking him up. I wanted to cuddle inside his arms and cry endlessly. But my Anurag had changed. I dismissed that thought and sat on the bed. A cool wave of breeze brushed through Anurag's hair waving them little. I gently brushed my fingers over his hair. Suddenly my eyes went on the big open window of our bedroom. The cool breeze was waving the curtains ..I got up pushing aside my bedsheet and walked unto the window. Closing my eyes I breathed in all the freshness of that peaceful morning. The sun had not yet risen but there was a mild orangish colour in the sky reflecting inside our room. There was silence everywhere apart from the soothing sound of little birds chirping and singing the glory of nature. After a really long time, I’d felt this unruffled serene feeling of calmness. I was desperate for this peace in my life for so long time. I took few more deep breaths to inhale the magic of the universe. Slowly opening my eyes (which were burning like fire), I turned to look at Anurag. My shadow was falling on his face blocking him the light orange colour of the beautiful morning. 

‘I know I am the dark cloud in your life Anurag.’ I murmured to him and bent backwards to let myself into the beauty of Universe..

I was pulled down with an immense amount of strong force. The intensity of the force was so strong that I felt the blood at the back of my head will burst out at any moment. I screamed the loudest I could.

.….Aaaaaahhhhhhh......Thudddddddddd.... 

The silence of beautiful dawn was shaken by me hitting the glass shed above the pavement and I was thrown on the ground with immense power. I groaned in pain as my head hit the ground. I still remember the consistent feel of blood oozing out from the back of my head.

Everything was spinning vigorously in front of my eyes. I could only hear a strong screeching sound of a long beep in my ears. All of a sudden, my vision started becoming a blur. I sooo wanted to open my eyes and search for my Anurag and cling in his arms but all my senses had given up. For a fraction of millisecond, I cursed myself for what taking this drastic step. I desperately wanted Anurag, I wanted my parents' lap, and to laugh with my friends but everything was over. 

The next moment it was all pitch dark. The noise of beep in my ears had slowly started to fade away. And there was Silence everywhere.

For the first time in life, darkness was not scary. I don't remember if my eyes were closed or was I looking at the colour of darkness with open eyes. But one thing I knew for sure... My Life had come to an end….

And I realized, death is the termination of life, not the soul.

My love for you is UNSTOPPABLE. My soul still wanders with the prince of my dreams... My Anurag...