Unfinished Business

The whole idea of life is to be able to be happy. And as much as Smita thought about her past she realized she was not happy because things had just not worked out for her despite putting in insurmountable efforts on her personal as well as professional front.

Her career of more than 10 years had come to a standstill and she was sort of challenged to begin afresh. It was her choice too! Her old scientific temperament would always be with her, she thought, as she started to navigate into the unknown zone of a new career path.

It was difficult to part from old friends, mentors, and well-wishers, especially because she had planned her life very consciously to be a researcher. But now things were different. It was very difficult for her to let go off the analytical mindset and the reasoning ability that was ingrained in her. However, she wanted to be free of the negativity that existed in her workplace and most importantly start her life afresh after all that had happened.

Smita had fought a fierce battle only to realize that things were changing at the speed of a snail in terms of changes in the people with whom she did not get along with. She had failed on professional as well as personal front alike in not having only left her passion for research, but also because she could not get herself to talk to the person she used to love at her workplace after she found he had betrayed her. She realized that she wanted to forgive him and make things work but were afraid it would never be the same again. The innocence, the joy and the spontaneity of all that existed were lost. And she was in pain. Terrible pain. She had never known this part of her.

A realization dawned upon her that in life when a long - term commitment is not expected it is okay to deal with people with a difference in opinion. However, in her field, a prolonged association with people was required and unfortunately, she had met colleagues with whom she could not get along and so she had come to this really difficult decision in her life.

Smita finally freed herself from the expectations of people around her who wanted her to mend things and keep up with the status quo despite it being a huge loss for her financially as well as emotionally. She believed that whatever was rightfully hers would come to her. For the first time she realized that it was very important for her to stand her ground. And so she did!

As she looked forward to her life it scared her. She did not have a career and the person in whom she had vested her trust for love was not ready to mend things. Her life was a blank slate. She preferred it that way after all the years spent making sense of the memories that were there in her life. So many happy ones... and ugly ones too! It was as if she was trying to pick up the pieces of her past and making conscious efforts to not let them affect her future. Trying to transform each unpleasant incident, each ugly fight, each difficult conversation in a way that she could let it go. But was it really humanly possible? It was a journey of nine long years. There were so many good things, so many bad things, and so many neutral things. It wasn't some account sheet that could be tallied for profit and loss.

Smita understood life and stood true to her belief of not being calculative where her emotions were involved. Smita lived and loved fiercely and her decision only validated her belief! She also realized that probably she should really leave the efforts of trying to make things right in her mind by constantly remembering them and analyzing what could have been done differently. It was really draining her.

Each person had his/her share to deal with and she realized it must be difficult for them as well. And when there are so much pain and resentment, it would be difficult to reestablish any kind of personal or professional grounding. Smita realized that probably everyone needed some time off from each other to understand what they had done so that even if they had to ever speak with each other again, there would be genuine compassion for each other without the need for defending one's mistakes. She wanted the hatred to go away and time, she felt would heal all wounds! And even if it didn't she would be content that she was now away from all that was constantly putting her through a lot of darkness that she could never deal with.

With a heavy heart and an inconclusive ending, she decided to start with a new life while still waiting for things from her past to become better.