The Longest Hour

At 22, fresh out of college, just a few months old in my first Job and my best friend Jyoti also my collegue, life was going good. Just like how mondays are for most people 17th December 2012 was tiring. Though running a little late than usual we decided to catch up on weekend's worth of gossip at McDonald's joint close to our office. 

While I was quickly shutting down the Computer screen to leave for the Day a news headline flashed on the Yahoo Email Homepage "Delhi Girl gangraped in a moving bus by 4 men including Bus driver and the conductor". Without giving much thought to it I left for the Day sharp at 8:30 pm and hung out with my Bff for an hour. Surprisingly none of us brought up the topic about the news piece. Either we dint pay much attention to it or dint want to talk about it cause then it would have all our attention. 

The commute from work to my home was an hour long ride via BEST bus. On a good day I could find a direct bus right upto my stop minus the nerve racking traffic. On Bad days I would have to switch 2 buses, bus no 1 going through dark empty roads of a forest and bus no 2 being crowded with no space to stand throughout the journey.

Today was worse. 

We could not find any buses for a while and then came bus no 1 at around 10 pm, not my preferred option. Being in a city like Mumbai 10 pm wouldn't be considered late but add a possibility of no buses for another half an hour and another 1 hour of commute we dint have much option but to take this one.

We happily continued discussing our lives, and people and crushes and pay checks while we got on the bus and started the journey. 10 minutes past, Jyoti got off to take another connecting bus just before we turned right to enter the forest. Feeling to have found a seat, just as I was about to close my eyes for a quick nap, a sudden realisation hit me. I was the only female in there. I quite literally counted the number of people in the slightly crowded bus, 48 men including the Driver and the conductor plus 1 timid anxious Girl, ME. 

As a natural instinct and one I am not very proud of yet unfortunately something very relevant in a country like India, I adjusted my clothes without being very obvious about it. Taking it a step forward I covered my face and hair with a scarf and put on the cardigan that I always carried to avoid the early morning cold winds.

  

And while I prepared myself for this long ride, hyper aware of every noise I heard, every glance I recieved every interpretation that I tried to make, all the day's tiredness came crashing on me just that minute.. Struggling to keep myself from falling asleep I tried to analyse every face I saw. Trying to read what kind of a face and expressions and body language does a rapist has. How do you differentiate or indentify one? If something was to go wrong with me just now will all 48 men be the bad guys, will some be mute bystanders, will someone, anyone, just one try to help me? Did anyone try to help her? Will covering myself head to toe do me any good? Did it do any good to her? Smartphones and whatsapp and sharing live locations was still a novelty back then. I wondered if I would ever be found again. Was I over thinking and over reacting? Maybe. But did she have any of these thoughts before they became her reality?.

The inner turmoil went on for a long time, each passing second making it tougher to hold on. But then, just like that the ride ended and I could breath again the moment I stepped down from Bus No. 1. By that point I craved the safety of being home between people who could protect me..While we all believe to be strong girls, some times and some things are just not under our control.

Bus No. 2 was pleasantly comforting now after seeing so many women in there on a familiar, adequately lit route. And guess what, I found a seat too. I quickly got my ticket and feeling the weight lifting of my chest drifted into a sleep. When I opened my eyes after maybe 10-15 mins I saw the bus was pretty much empty.. Everyone got off the bus except 2 men and the bus started again.. I couldn't really believe my luck, could the day get any worse. There were 4 men in the bus including the bus driver and conductor. Bus was crawling through the now empty streets, the shops were closed and it had become awfully quiet. 

I was on the verge of having a panic attack. I couldn't put my thoughts together. Should I call home, should I shout and scream or try to fight if things come to that? For now I was trying not to attract any attention to myself. I couldn't look like a girl who was scared and alone and an easy target.

Thinking of all possible scenarios that could unfold from here I was hyper aware and yet lost in a web of thoughts, when the bus suddenly came to a halt where there was no Bus Stop. The conductor walked towards me slowly and said in marathi, "are you not supposed to get down here?" I realised I had missed my stop and the driver had stopped the bus just a little ahead for me. In a hurry to get down I got up quickly and dropped everything I was carrying. The other 2 men looked over with a curious look seeing a girl all frantic and scared but non of those expressions looked like they would harm me in any way. The conductor and driver waited patiently till I picked up my belongings and got down. 

Pleasantly so, until I entered the well lit premises of the locality the bus stood still and once I was in it zoomed away taking all my worries with it.

This was probably the longest journey of my life back then but when I looked at the watch only an hour had passed. Really? All this while imagining myself in a situation like her, this was the longest 1 hour of my life.

 I didn't know back then what had finally happened to that unfortunate girl who took the wrong ride home, who couldn't find even a single person to help her. I had just hoped frantically that she would have survived.She dint survive. Her life ended due to the bus ride she took. For me this was not the end. It was just a battle I won that day.  

I never talked about this with anyone, not my parents or they would be worried every time I stepped out of the house. Nor to my fellow females. I dint see the point of discussing this, all of us at some point have been through similar turmoil. Some survived, some fought, some endured, Some misjudged the situation, some could not get through. 

We all fight this battle every day whether its in empty streets, crowded places, in the company of people we are suppose to trust or even within the safety of our own homes.

I just wonder how many of us don't get to see the end of that Longest Hour!