The Landing

Maya had shifted to a new town! Her family wanted her to stay with them but she wanted some time to herself! Her mother understood her pain and finally gave into her demand!

She had been through far too much in the year and a half that had followed the flight of love! 

Nishant was to meet her in the evening. She had been waiting for him all day long! Thinking over and over again how could she make him forgive her for all the pain she had given him. She wasn't even sure if he can do that because it was a willful act of hers to leave Nishant for another man who had golden hands! She knew her future will be secure and her parent's insistence made her decision only easier!

She took her time contemplating! She felt mean and selfish! But Nishant was naive, impractical and at times rash! These traits scared her! Loving someone is one thing but living a life with him, with an uncertain future scared her! She knew he was good and so many times had fought with him for his career and future. But he would laugh over it and finish everything with just one sentence " With you by my side, I'll find my way to the moon!"

"Neesh, we don't live on the moon, we belong to the earth, be practical."

One such encounter he threw his canvas at her! He shouted, "the moon is where I and you deserve to be; the earth is for the lesser mortals!"

His histrionics scared her. Suddenly he had turned towards her and with a masterful stroke pulled the strings of her skirt that just slipped down to the floor! He lifted her in his arms and laid her down on the bed gently as if she was a petal that would get damaged if he was rough! He played with her, caressed her and touched her in ways only he could have. She completely forgot her angst and asked him for more and more until she could take it no longer! They lay in the bed completely drained! She thought to herself "This orgasm is what I can survive on for the rest of my life!" She had made her decision.

"Neesh, I need to go home tomorrow!"

"Not again!"

"I need to, one last time maybe! Papa wants me to marry a guy and he wants me there just once! He's promised he won't see another one if I don't like him. I think its my last chance to convince them about us! Please try and understand, I want them to give their consent! Trust me, do you?"

"Of course, I trust you! But I'm scared of losing you! you are all I've!"

"I know that baby. I promise I'll be back day after!"

The day after never arrived. He never called, he never texted and I got absorbed into the marital bliss. My husband's well placed connections helped me rise up the ladder of professional success and in no time my company was a top contender for big contracts! My husband was always backing me and felt proud in every bit of my rise!

Just as life was looking perfect and all well laid; 'he' had shown up!

I was caught completely unaware, unprepared and the high I was in at that point in time in my life, made me all the more vulnerable! One doesn't realise how the strength can be so fragile at times!

I didn't have any appropriate dress to wear for the rendezvous! I thought of going to the mall to buy myself something but dropped the idea as it felt cheesy!

I took a shower and wore the dress that I was carrying along! He called up at 8 "I've landed and will be with you soon, please send me your location!" I did that duty fully.

My hotel was only 15 minutes from the airport so I knew he should be here in half an hour. My heartbeat went berserk! My head was pounding! My nerves felt spastic and I already had goosebumps! What if the conversation keeps going back to the past? The way it had done in the morning. I can't help it, can I? Somethings should better be left to themselves, just as my kid told me "Mom why do you have to be proactive all the times, can you ever let things be as they are?"

So I pushed aside my worries and got ready to welcome the evening with open arms and heart!

It was 8:45, he hadn't turned up!

9, not yet! where could he have got stuck? The luggage might have taken some time to arrive! But he was coming here for one night, why would he need to check in his luggage and waste time. He's too smart to do something as foolish as that. Maybe he was making me wait, he loves playing games!

The door bell rang. I had my heart in my mouth for a second! I peeped through the door lense. Yes, it was him! 

I opened the door! My hands had tremors. He looked dapper in his tuxedo. The way he was carrying that bouquet of lilies made him look like a groom walking into the church!

 "Hi"

"Hi" I replied as if I had just woken up from coma.

"Haven't you seen a good looking man ever before?"

"What do you mean?"

"Look at yourself, you look so awestruck" He pulled me towards the mirror on the wall of the passage

"Don't be silly! you are too self-obsessed!"

And we laughed for a couple of minutes just like the old times, uninhibited and loud.

"Oh, I found these lilies on my way, thought you might like them!" He handed over the bouquet

"They are beautiful! Thank you!"

"Not as pretty as you lady" And I blushed

"Neesh!!!!!" I said to him with longing eyes. I had him locked with my gaze.

"What is it dear?"

"Come to me!"

He walked to me as if he knew no escape! as if that was his only destiny! as if he had been fixed with a radar! as if he was the south pole and me the north pole of a magnet!

"I've been thinking about you all day"

"I've been thinking about you all my life!"

"All your life?"

"Yes, all my life, my morning begins thinking about these rosy lips, my days run long like these long tresses run over your shoulders and blossoms, my evenings are curved around the lanes like the never-ending curves of your torso, my nights are long and unending just like your long legs! he moved his fingers along my body painfully slowly! The woman in me that was buried deep since so many years had come alive since this morning. He then held me in his embrace, my head over his shoulder and his hand in my hair at the back of my head felt the most secure place in the world.

"Your touch feels so magical" I murmured. I could hear his heart pumping fast in his chest.

"Your body is as supple as it always was, why did you use perfume?"

How dumb of me. How could I forget that back in those days he never allowed me to use any perfume. He would say my body odor was hypnotizing.

"I'm so sorry, had been wearing it all day" I tried to lie. He didn't counter and kept me tucked in his chest

"Maya, I want you to watch your health"

"I'm healthy Neesh, what made you say that?"

"The dark circles under your eyes, you've been stressed about something?"

"That's the price you pay for professional life."

"Are you sure the reasons are only professional and not personal?"

"Yes, they are entirely professional. My personal life has been quite decent with no upheavals."

"I'm glad to hear that. I'm sorry if I sounded interfering. Was just a bit concerned"

"That's just fine Neesh! I didn't mind that."

"Let's order a drink. Would you order it or you would want me to call up the room service!"

"You do it, you know I'm bad at selecting things!"

"Are you sure, this is your room."

"Doesn't matter. you do it"

He ordered two large vodkas with a lime cordial and ice. That's what love does to you. You remember the tiny details of what the other person likes or dislikes. Years may change the person or his tastes but not your memory which is so deeply and irreversibly engraved by his or her likes and dislikes! lime cordial......

"Why don't you change and relax, you must be tired running around between airports all day."

"Ok madame, your wish is my command!"

He went to the washroom, I caught a glance at myself in the mirror. I had never noticed the dark circles. Did I look sick? I hadn't got my annual tests done since a few years. I shouldn't be ignorant and would get them done positively day after! The doorbell rang! I opened the door and the waiter walked in with our drinks and some snacks. I hadn't heard him order the later. The waiter left.

"Neesh, our drinks are here! what's taking you so long inside?"

"Gimme a moment darling, I'll be with you".

I checked on my appearance again and quickly touched up my lipstick.

He walked out of the washroom, looking so fresh and the scent was inviting.

"You should thank me for not finishing both the drinks while you were in, I'm too thirsty."

"I know you would need me to make your drink, it was a calculated risk!" He winked

"How mean! yeh, I've not yet learnt how to make my drink, I need someone to do that for me."

"Let me have the honour my lady!"

He made the two drinks, one with and the other without lime cordial. "Here you go" he gave me my drink.

"Cheers" I moved my glass towards him.

"Cheers, to the unrequited love of all the people who've suffered on its account across centuries."

He came closer and entangled his arm holding his glass with my arm holding glass and we took our sips just as a ritual we followed in our younger days.

"Why do you've to be so melodramatic all the time?"

"What did I say now?"

"What did you mean by unrequited love?"

"It's only words and words are all I have...."

"Go on, you sing it so well. why did you stop" his laughter filled the room that was so silent otherwise.

"Let's finish our drinks and then I'll sing to your tunes. Whatever you ask for. I swear."

"On the rocks" and he gulped his. he pointed towards mine indicating me to finish mine.

"On the rocks" I gulped mine

He quickly moved to the intercom and ordered 4 large drinks. I served the snacks.

We were quiet for a while, not knowing what to talk about. I was too scared, maybe a bit nervous. The excitement of seeing him had vanished. The thought-process had been blocked and the drink hadn't yet taken over my mind.

"Maya"

"Yes Neesh"

"Maya"

"What is it Neesh? go on"

"Why did you not listen to me when I asked you to not go to your parents' place?"

"My destiny took me there! That's all I can say at this moment"

"No, you are lying. You didn't trust me with your future! You always feared I'll end up useless. You wanted me to go to the world's ways and not chase my dreams my own way. I wish you had given me some time. I wish you could have been the wind under my wings. Instead you chose security with a man you knew nothing about for the children who weren't born yet. The man doesn't love you, believe me, he doesn't. He wanted a trophy wife which you could play perfectly, beautiful, smart and intelligent. He didn't love you an iota of the love my heart had for you. Still, you chose him because he was a safer business proposition...........

You know what, I'm much richer than you and your husband put together!"

I had tears rolling down my cheeks again. He ignored them and kept staring at his empty glass. The doorbell rang again. He walked upto the door and collected the tray and asked the waiter to leave. He came back to the table and made the drinks. He pushed mine towards me and gulped his in one go.

"I'm sorry Neesh"

"You are not, don't lie. You are a selfish and self-centered woman. You can't love anyone. And I'm sure you count me as a mistake of your youth. isn't it?"

"No Neesh, believe me, I've always loved you, I still do and I always will!"

"Shut up you lying bitch, just shut up!"

I was petrified. No one had ever shouted at me like that in years!

"I'm sorry, I've no right to shout. I'm extremely sorry. I'll watch my words." He promptly mellowed down. He didn't look at me all this while and was enjoying the snacks. I was looking at the floor. It had a pattern that you would often see on floors. Very routine. But I thought for a second, having a boring routine is at times the most peaceful thing in life howsoever mundane it may be. It reminded me of my husband. He was a gentleman, always in control of the situation. He didn't love me? Maybe because love makes you lose the control, so a man like him can never risk being out of control. And then on the other side of spectrum was Neesh. An untamed bolt of energy. Some people are like that. You can't tame them, maybe if you could do anything, it would be only to control the direction of the energy so that it doesn't cause any floods and flows in the form of a well-bound river that could cultivate lands that it touches. Yes, that was Neesh! My drink lay untouched.

"Neesh!"

"Yes Maya"

"You didn't even call me once?"

"Maya, I trusted my love, I trusted my life on our love! If that wasn't enough to bring you back, what could have been?"

"Maybe the love went weak for a little while, maybe it needed to be awakened!"

"Maybe!"

I finished me drink. I got up from my couch and went to him and lied down in his lap. He encapsulated me as if we were in the midst of a storm and he was my savior. I had surrendered completely to his grip. He kept running his fingers through my hair and kissing the top of my head every now and then.

It was a while before I could lift my head up and face him,

"Neesh!"

"What is it love?"

"I'm tired, I'm tired of playing strong and being in control. I'm unable to live upto the expectations"

"What expectations?"

"The expectations I've generated from myself, for my husband, for my kids and for the organisation that I've built up with a lot of hard work"

"Hmmmmmm....."

"What hmmmm...."

"You are a strong woman! if there's someone in this world who has the potential to live upto those expectations, it's you!"

"Maybe, but I don't want to?"

"Why not?"

"It's too taxing!"

"Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy!"

"It's not easy that I know for sure! If it's worthwhile or not I don't know!"

"There's just one thing that I want you to know Maya"

"What's it!"

"I love you, no matter what! I always will no matter what! And if at any point in time you feel alone, I'll find you"

"How would you do that?"

"Leave that to me love! you do as you please"

I kissed him on his chest and he kissed me on my head as if I was his little baby.

"You want another drink? I feel you are done!"

"Why do you have to know everything about me so meticulously."

"Because you are my baby Maya. You remember you had asked me to take care of you. I've tried my best to live upto that promise. I swear!"

"Oh Neesh! I love you."

"Hmmmmmmm....."

"What? you gotta say you love me too"

"Somethings need not be said in words my darling"

"Neesh!"

"Yes my baby"

"Please kiss me"

He lowered his head and his lips touched mine, I was brought back to life. His tongue moved in tandem with mine as if they had been entangled since the beginning of times. He tried to let go but I wouldn't let him and he happily obliged. I clung on to him and my lips wouldn't let go of his as if they were all I needed to be alive. We were into each for I don't know how long before I finally fell away. He supported my head so tenderly that I felt like a diamond in the hands of a jeweller. We kept looking at each other, staring into each other's eyes searching for answers that would never come out otherwise.........

It was a while before he spoke

"Should we order some food, it's already 1AM!"

"I'm not hungry."

"Neither am I"

"Let's finish what we have."

We had our last drink with the food that was left.

"Thank God the one third two-third rule didn't apply or I would have died of overeating" he said jokingly.

"I'm so generous, couldn't have let you die Neesh"

"Thank you, your highness, I'm indebted to you forever"

"You better be, and remember you'll have to pay back for my generosity"

"Sure madame, What can I do for you?

"Neesh."

"Yes, my lady tell me what can I do for you?"

"Take me to the bed please"

"Sure my love"

He lifted me as if I weighed just as much I did way back then. He transferred me to the bed.

What transpired thereafter was the most unexpected.....

He lay me down on the bed! I was too limp, too exhausted, mentally more than physically, from the events of that day. Maybe it was the tiredness of running around all the time that had surfaced today! I never realised that, I never complained! But whom could I've complained to? I was the one people came around to for their complaints. No one ever realised I could have some issues!

"Maya, you look tired! Close your eyes"

I closed my eyes and he kept running his fingers through my hair for as long as I can remember. I don't remember when I had fallen asleep.

"Maya!"

I woke up from my slumber. He was still fingering my hair. He had bathed and changed. Though the curtains were drawn and the room was dark, I could feel it's morning.

"Neesh! I'm so sorry. I didn't realise when I slept."

"That's perfectly fine sweetheart."

"I'm so sorry!" I felt so guilty

"Please don't be, you don't have to! Maya, I've to leave now. I had the best night of my life in more than 15 years. Believe me. There's something I want you to know. Don't try finding me, you'll never be able to reach me. At the same time, I want you to know that I'm always with you. I've my eye on you all the time. Remember that! Anytime you need me, I'll be there before you can call out. You understand that?"

"Yes I do!"

"Good girl"

He kissed my forehead.

"Can I leave now?"

"Noooooo!" I jumped out of my bed

"I've to!"

"Neesh, give me a few minutes with you please!"

"Maya, don't make it difficult! Let me go please!"

"No"

"Please!"

"Ok!"

He kissed me on my lips and left the room without looking behind.

Before I could make a sense of what all had transpired he was gone!

I kept sitting there for very long! The tears didn't stop. Why did he have to come back? I was in a visibly perfect mould until yesterday. And here I was shattered and no one to help me put the pieces together. Why did he come to break me up and then leave me unhealed. Why?

The wise woman in me got hold of herself. She reasoned with my fragility.

"You were always incomplete, broken and shattered. Maya you are too tired of carrying the mask of 'Mrs. Perfectionist'. You've weighed down upon yourself too heavily, always taking up responsibilities and challenges just to live up to the tag of 'in control'. It's ok to be weak. It's ok to not be in control. It's Ok to let down your tears once in a while. You are lucky you got a shoulder to lean on, even if it was there for just one night! Not every woman is lucky enough to have a man who can see the pain in her eyes when everyone sees the gleam in them. The gleam and sheen is so false and still you yourself can't see or feel the pain in your eyes this man could see! Thank him for introducing yourself to you. "

I gathered myself, got ready for my meeting. Made the best of what time I got to speak in the meeting and reached home late at night.

The kids had already slept. Hubby was busy on his phone. I kissed him. 

"Hi" he said without looking up from his phone

"Hi" I replied back. I went to the washroom to change and freshen up.

When I returned to the room, he was still on his phone. I for a moment wondered what could he be upto at this hour? I brushed aside my wicked thoughts. I had never doubted his intentions. He was a thorough professional, a caring husband and a daunting father. He would watch over my kids when I was not around. Why should I be doubting his intentions?

"How did your meetings go?"

"I guess I did well. Let's see if that translates into some contracts."

"Good. Take some rest now. I'm leaving for Mumbai tomorrow early morning and would be gone for a week. Ruhansh has his PTM on saturday, don't forget to attend that. I had ordered the groceries this morning and they'll be delivered tomorrow morning around 9:30. I've already paid for them Just crosscheck everything is there, the list is under the set-top box."

He said it all in one go without looking up from his phone. It made me wonder if he had always been so mechanical? Yes, he had been ever since I remember. I had become mechanical too. Everything seemed like a job, marriage, kids, house, parents, inlaws and the work itself.

I thought of talking to him about it but restrained myself worrying he might find it suspicious. I went to sleep, at least I tried to but it was nowhere closeby. I lay in the bed turning sides the whole night.

The alarm rang and he got up. I got up too.

"Should I make you some breakfast?"

"Hey jaan, you must be tired yourself, go back to sleep, don't worry about me, I'll take care of myself."

"I can't sleep, let me do it for you?"

He came closer and sat by my side "Be a good girl, I don't want you to exert yourself putting up a sandwich for me. You have to go to office. You've been travelling. Take rest." He almost commanded.

Men ............ they only know how to command women! Both of them. They would never let me have things my way. If I try, I'm called difficult, selfish and self-centred!

I went back to sleep.

The alarm rang, I went to the kids room to wake them up. My twins had outgrown my lap but they were still my babies, my world divided into two! The boys had grown up into fine young men and it will soon be time for them to leave the nest. I was feeling already nervous. In less than a year they will be gone, God knows to where. They were my reason to come home to. What will I come back to once they were gone, A house made of bricks and furniture and a husband who was so unconcerned and disconnected! Well, maybe I should have a pet. I woke up the boys and went to the kitchen to get their tiffins ready.

The days went by, then the weeks and then a few months. I thought of texting Nishant but he had told me I wouldn't be able to reach him. Maybe the phone was with a subordinate or someone else. I couldn't take a chance.

I tried my best to come to terms with what had happened but the ghosts of the past wouldn't leave me no matter how hard I tried. I craved for his embrace, for his touch and for his kiss. The sensations that I had methodically killed inside me over so many years refused to die down once more. I would blame them on my hormonal surges but the surges didn't have a cyclical pattern. It was the 'hormone Neesh' that had paralysed my intelligence.

I would catch myself talking to no one and then giggling. I felt guilty whenever I looked at my husband. He had no clue about the night. He had trusted me inspite of knowing about Nishant before we got married. The name had never been spoken between us afterwards.

How would he react if he comes to know that I had spent a night with another man? Would he trust me that we hadn't slept together? Of course not! Would he hit me? Would he divorce me? I've been going on official tours quite often, he never questioned me. He never even called to ask me how I was managing or which place I was staying. He was too disconnected I believe to have even little interest in how I managed the things. But I knew I could call him in my hour of need and he would leave everything behind and come. What more could I've asked for? I thought it was better to keep the details of the night to myself. I couldn't risk my marriage. I couldn't think of my kids being ashamed of their mother! No, never. I shut my mind off to as much as I could. But his face would come in front of me every now and then. 

I struggled through my days and the efforts were becoming more and more laboured with time. The routine that I was so much in control of stopped appealing. Everything felt to drag along. The enthusiasm I once had, had completely vanished. I needed him, because he was the only one in this world I could share my weaknesses with. He was the only one who could push and nudge me in my redundancy. He was the only one who could embrace me to calm me down. He was the only one who cared to know that I would need lime cordial with my vodka without having to ask for it. He was the only friend I ever had. Oh, I was so incomplete without him.

They say God makes souls in pairs. Why doesn't he make them stick together. I can't really blame God because he had sent my soul partner to me at the perfect time. It was entirely my fault to let go of him. 

I managed to survive through the year. Once the kids were gone to their hostel, I tried to push my work hour to keep myself occupied. It was the dreadful evening of 1st July, while I was returning from office the car banged into the side railing of road. It was an awful accident, but I survived with minor bruises thanks to the airbags. I was restrained to my bed for a week. My caring husband appointed a nurse full time to take care of me. He had to leave for a tour 2 days after the accident. He felt sorry but explained to me that it was urgent. I had no issues with his going out because he wasn't home otherwise as well. The night of 4th July I received a text from Neesh " \Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine!"

"Can I call you?"

"Yes, you may!"

We talked the whole night. I don't remember about what but it was the most beautiful night after the rendezvous.

There was one thing for sure, he knew my husband was not home. He was sure keeping an eye. Of course he would. He loved me aftrall! I giggled at the thought.

'Love' one word a thousand interpretations!

People lose their reasoning ability, they do things which are otherwise considered lowly or embarassing by themselves, they say things they only read in those romantic movies, they chase the person as if they wouldn't survive without. 'Love' is probably the most potent addiction. You are in a different zone when you are high on it, everything else remains in the background and the aura of that one person engulfs you completely. You are at the lowest of the lows when you don't get your drug. Everything around feels meaningless and annoying. All that you need is your drug.

People who get addicted are taken to rehabs but there's no way out for an addict. You can have them temporarily off the drugs but they would eventually go back no matter what! Once you love someone, there is no respite. If you can fall out of love, it was never love.

I remember my husband would tell me "I love you!" often during the first couple of years after marriage and I would dutifully reciprocate. For me those words were always synonymous with Neesh. I used to feel uneasy whenever he would say that but never showed any resentment and happily reciprocated for the sake of my marriage.

Those days when I was confined to bed, made me introspect what I was doing with my life. Suddenly there was so much suffocation that I couldn't imagine living in this house for the rest of my life.

I was fit to go back to work in a week. To my luck I had an offer for partnership with a firm that worked in my parent's town. They were old and frail and I thought of it as a good time to move to them. I signed the deal. I told my husband about the deal over the dinner and that I'll be moving to the town in two weeks. Obviously I'll be shuffling between here and there between the two offices. He heard me for a while and suddenly lost his temper. "You never thought of consulting me before taking such a big decision?"

"I've always taken my own decisions, and you were the one who always encouraged me to do my things on my own. You were the one who said I shouldn't depend on you."

"That's true but you are moving out of the house?"

"No, I'm not, I'm here only. I'll be shuffling between here and there that's all!"

"Do I look like a fool to you?"

"What's wrong with you? You are overreacting!"

"I'm over reacting?"

"You are leaving me alone and you say I'm over reacting?"

"For heaven's sake, what makes you believe I'm leaving you?"

"I would have no one to come back to home when you are not here"

"I've not had anyone to come back to home most of the time. You are out on business trips 3 days a week on an average"

"So you are taking a revenge?"

"Revenge? Why would I take a revenge on you? You are all I've."

"I may have been all you have, but you want more from your life it seems."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean?"

"I got no clue about what you are trying to say"

"You are not leaving this house and moving out"

"I've already committed to my partner"

"I'm your life partner, you choose between the two!"

I was shocked. I had never anticipated such a reaction. I just needed some space for myself and here I was asked to choose between complete imprisonment and the open sky. I was pushed into making a choice that I never thought I'll have to make. I never ever had dreamed of reaching this juncture in my life. But I was given a choice which was too obvious given the circumstances that had been woven around me.

"I'm leaving on Monday morning, my parents are too old and frail, they need me to be around. Mom needs hospitalization every two weeks for her dialysis and dad is too frail to take care of her." I stated the obvious in as subtle a way as I could

"I got my answer" 

He went into the bedroom and banged the door. I didn't try opening it. Instead went into kids room that was empty as my birdies had flown away.

He didn't face me until Monday morning. I had my luggage packed. He had his breakfast and just before leaving he said " \Would you want me to send the driver or you have it sorted out as well on your own just like everything else?"

I looked up at him, "My driver is waiting out, had I known you would send......"

He had already moved away

Somehow I didn't feel like crying. I hadn't shed a tear this entire week. There was sudden calm that had fallen upon me, something I had not known all these years. I felt free, as if I had been let off a cage without having to ask for it.

I spent the next few weeks with my parents. My mom settled down. She was worried and would ask about when am I going back and I would push the topic away. I told her I need to establish my office here. One day while my dad was away, she made me sit and wanted to know what was wrong between the two of us, I explained to her. She just asked me two things

"You miss him?"

"No!"

"Is there anyone else in your life or his life?"

"No!"

There was complete silence after that.

A couple of weeks later I rented an apartment. My parents resisted but eventually let me have my way as my mom could relate to my pain. She had spent her life with a man who was her husband but had loved another woman all his life.

Just as I had got control over my journey ahead and had managed to put the beasts of the past to rest, 'he' showed up....

Who 'he'? You would ask.....

Now you know who 'He' is. I don't need to tell you!

Life has ways of surprising you when you expect them the least......