The Gunshot

Self endangerment, is that even a thing to write in a psychiatric report? Well whether it is a thing or not it is sure as hell does not belong on mine. I’m very self-protective; I take very good care of myself. I always have. Like earlier this year, on our trip to a jungle resort, all my stupid friends were jumping off that bridge into that dark lake, but I stayed terrestrial. They said jumping was fun, after all, you don’t stay seventeen forever. Well haha, the joke is on them. I’m not against fun, neither was I scared, I was just thinking about the sharks. I know that it’s absurd and even more so because I knew that the real danger of the lake was the crocodiles. Still, I couldn’t shake the idea of sharks off my head.

Technically, I’m not even supposed to be here. In this room, I mean. I shouldn’t be reading these files. They are supposed to be “confidential files”. Although they are left open on the table. It's not like I’m dying to be here, this file room is way too dusty anyway. I was just curious to know what my report said. It's not every day that you have a complete psychiatric analysis. I’m just looking at the other files kept here. It’s weirdly nice to do so, to know I’m not the only messed-up one.

I’m seriously pissed though, self endangerment! I was just looking for peace. I was just sitting at my spot, like any other day. But that day was different. If you ask me it was way too cold, cold is just bad news in May. I was sitting there with my back against the wall trying to focus on algebra. I know that the corridor is cut off from the college building due to some construction work but it’s usually empty and I always felt safe there, even if it were a little isolated, going there is my thing and that is hardly self-endangerment.

I should have known something was off, at first I heard footsteps, I assumed it was some teacher and I got a little scared (we were not supposed to be there) but is so quiet down there I could hear strained whispers of two men. I hid behind the pillar. When I peeked a little I saw two men, they were trying to carry this body, one of them held it by the arms and the other lifted the legs. I froze. I knew who they were carrying. Mariam Sawalas. She was my classmate. I realised that I hadn’t really spoken to her properly. I didn’t like her very much. My heart was thumping and I felt cold as the wind blew over my sweat-soaked face. I wanted to help her. She always thought that I was a selfish bitch. Ironic, huh? None of it seemed important anymore. At that time though all I wanted to do was help her get back to her family. I knew that her potato of a brother would miss her a lot. After that, I just kept thinking of her brother as a potato and I felt very sad. I was very scared and there was a lot of adrenaline in my blood and I was seeing weird things. I could hear my heartbeat and I was scared that they’d hear it too. I felt like sobbing.

I always thought in times like these I would be able to analyse and solve the situation like Nancy Drew, that day I realised I was no Nancy Drew, I was a wimpy kid. I started to walk away from there, trying to be very quiet. Then I faced away and stepped on something that snapped loudly and I heard a gunshot and then there was darkness. And silence.

Anyways I’m really not supposed to be here and Dr.Patil is here now, she returns to the table. My missing person’s file is still open but she is working on Mariam’s now. I know I’m supposed to hate her for that self-endangerment comment but right now I just feel sorry for her. She keeps looking at me, well technically she’s looking in my direction, she can’t really look at me. She sees through me, just like everyone else.