The Dark Tale

“Hello! Welcome to our favorite show – ‘the Secret confessions’. Guys and girls, you are most welcome to share your heartfelt stories – no matter how dark, mysterious, tragic, sinful, or even joyful, happy and loving! We’d love to listen to you all. Well, the current lockdown of our country, our world shouldn’t let us go in paranoia. Yes, I know, situation is terrible and perhaps degrading each day. But don’t worry, “this too shall pass” – remember? So, ya! Hope you guys remember me? It’s your Miss ‘Daily Alarm’ RJ Diya to remind you your precious inner existence. Working from home is really a very weird event for our RJ stunts. But nevertheless, let’s have a new experience! So! Here we go on air! Dial up 020-550-6555. I’m waiting for your stories guys!!”

Sreeya skipped this advertising post “Secret Confessions” of RJ Diya. She started scrolling through other stories of her Instagram feed. However, she paused, she thought, perhaps it could be a chance – a rare chance to convey all those suppressed untold feelings and stories which she badly wished to evacuate from her mind for years but couldn’t. The room was filled with tensed silence and solitude. Sreeya took out an album which she had kept hidden from the world for the past five years. She whispered, “I still remember you – the way you were – the way you made me your ‘target’, the way you thought you’d win my heart and would have had sex with me, the way you thought to marry a typical ‘behenji’ like me, the way you had let me weaved dreams of our little family. I still remember you – the way you were angry to find your target failing, to find no chance of having pre-marriage sex, the way you decided to leave and live with other girls who never failed to satisfy your lust.” She didn’t even realize when her eyes shred a drop a tear. Sreeya was a young woman of twenty-seven, an aspiring professor, presently in her final year of doctoral studies – just about time for the final jury. Unfortunately, the global crisis of COVID-19 had delayed the grand ending of her scholar life.

She started turning through the old photographs of college life, the times they spent together however short spanned, but they were beautiful memories she always cherished. She recalled how straightforward his approach was! She laughed in herself. A girl like her could never fall for a guy like him. Everyone was shocked, not even surprised. They seemed like poles apart, nothing in common except for the fact that they both liked each other. They had completely different backgrounds, both social and cultural, also, had divergent ideologies towards life and even love. He was a smart rational introvert guy, intelligent and arrogant, proud and rude, but no wonder terribly charming – no girl could win that. While, she was his polar opposite – conservative and ambivert – a term she called for herself – a mix of both worlds, shy, emotional, however carefree, a someone who preferred to live in dreams – far from reality. It would have been like a nuclear explosion if two highly complex opposite chemicals unite. And indeed it was one!

She was such a naïve in this dating world, she was a misfit she knew that. But he dragged her into it from her fairy tale world of true love. She had no idea of dating, she only knew of romance under the stars and moon, through eyes, from heart to heart, from soul to soul, the urge for psychic connection, the depth of pure unconditional spiritual love. To her it was always about the soul and not just physical body. Love is greater than lust. Culture, tradition, ethics guided her with principles she knew she shouldn’t break. But he pushed her to overcome these taboos of the society. He was an open minded guy, a playboy, slept with many women, just for sex – the western world is deeply imbibed in him – they termed it casual sex. But she hated this idea, rather she believed that one can have sex with the person he loved and as traditional Indian society persisted, it’s better and respectful to marry being a virgin – though she knew that time and century had changed, being non-virgin was not a big issue. But how could she overcome the age-old family beliefs and virtues? She was someone who feared to go against her family and break the rules, no matter whether she herself really believed those ‘taboos’. She had set her boundaries which she herself wasn’t allowed to break.

His roughness and rudeness gradually made him unpopular and unworthy of interaction to the other classmates – again, his polite behaviour with just Sreeya made other girls jealous, while they received only his cold responses. Soon, the air in the class started getting heavy and toxic. There began clouds of misunderstandings, accusations, blame games between the other girls who managed to make the entire class on their behalf and on the other hand it was him – solo, brave enough to stand alone for himself. Sreeya was made believed and convinced that she was being used by him, she was nothing of a love interest but his target, and one day after manipulatively snatching her virginity, he would eventually leave her. They started unfolding stories and mixing reality bits towards her and she, such a naïve, believed them and misunderstood him. She didn’t even realize, if she at all really felt unsafe with him? She forgot if she really got abused by him? She so easily ignored the fact that she was never ever misbehaved by him. Yet, she chose against him.

And the so-called class mission to save her got successful. He was socially class boycotted. He didn’t even care what the entire class thought of him, he just cared what she thought of him. He wanted her to believe him, that he had really liked her, began to fell for her, wished to change himself for her – the way he was. He wanted to transform into a one-woman man, committed, loyal, truthful. He cried for the first time, before her – a rare event which no one had ever witnessed. He begged of her to give him one chance to believe him. But she was so blinded by the rumours that she thought he was just pretending. Prior, she had started liking him. She didn’t exactly fell for him by then but admired him. But, now she began hating him. And they even made her aware that he might blackmail her. She realized there were enough intimate moments which she cherished – she never realized those precious memories could be stuff for blackmailing. And when she shouted at him, he told that he would convey everyone how close they were on that special night. She, as blinded as ever, losing her rational mind, acting like a mere puppet, even conveyed that to them – because their words struck her – “he might blackmail you. Don’t worry we will believe you no matter what. Girl, you got our back.” And finally, he too started hating her. Everything was finished. The story which was about to blossom, died a premature death. They became strangers.

Sooner, as the days passed by, Sreeya didn’t feel good even if she was finally so-called safe. Perhaps, there was something in her which was knocking her mind. She couldn’t ignore the voices in her head which were silent amidst the chaos happening in her life. She didn’t want to listen but slowly and gradually, she realized something went wrong. Everything was not as clear as black and white as she was made believed. There’s something more to it – undefined, unseen, unexplained. She started her quest for answers. She started asking different people about what he had shared. She realized, that his words were often vulgarly put but he did have a way of saying things. He was an honest man no matter how rude, how shameless. He would always speak up the truth. And she forgot this very quality of his. She investigated people and marked the words and conversations. Later, one night after almost a week, when this mess was over, she started putting those words together, the behaviour, the responses they shared – she realized something was terribly wrong. Everything was misinterpreted. He was actually hiding the fact that he started loving her – because that was something so uncanny about his charisma, his character. A boy like him could never run after a girl like her. She was no hot, sexy or bold. And people misunderstood of him that he was playing with her.

Sreeya started crying! She had spent 2 months with him being closely associated. She knew him the most amongst everyone. How could she have forgotten all those happy times they shared! She started sobbing bitterly – “I am responsible for all the mess. I should have boldly taken his side. I am a sinner. I have punished someone who is not at fault. He really started loving me and I pushed him away. I am sorry Nishant. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I’ll set things right. I should have listened to my inner voices and not of the people. Please forgive me. Please…” She cried the whole night. She started thinking of actions and plans how to make him proved right and free of accusations. She reached up to everyone who believed that he was a bad person – she tried her best to convince them that he was not wrong, he shouldn’t be punished. She went against the class and stood for him. And, all new chaos was soon about to begin when she repeatedly asked him to meet. She wanted to say sorry. She wanted to start all over again. She wanted to be his friend. He gave her a chance to be his girlfriend. But she was tired and hesitant. After all this mess, she wanted to live peacefully. She wanted a break. She cared for him. But she turned down the proposal. And sooner, she didn’t even imagine how dark would be her coming days! The whole class judged her, and eventually started ignoring her. She was ostracised. The boy, for whom, she went against everyone, abandoned her too for not being his girlfriend and wished to keep no contact with her. All she had with herself was her bestfriend Sneha. Luckily she was not alone.

She realized she actually had fallen for him and no way out, she truly honestly loved him. She called him up and proposed him. She wanted to be with him and none else. But time once lost is lost forever. Darker days were coming and she wasn’t ready. She fell for the man before the chaos. She didn’t know that man had changed again – back to the old self – the way he was before. He started dating other women, having tinder girls, one night stands. He had become what she always hated. But she was struck in this mental tornado. He gave up his love for her, perhaps still could be traced in some slightest smallest tiniest soft corners of his heart. While the girl fell deeper and deeper in love with him. He started misbehaving with her, accused her, blamed her for everything. She knew that he was rude to others and for that reason, the rest of the people didn’t like him. The entire fault was not because she supported the class first. But, he only got angrier and hurt her emotionally with words she never expected of him. She still hoped him to love her the way he began interacting with her. But, he unfolded his darker sides steadily to her.

She started feeling alone, always sad, upset. She had no friends to hang out with except for her best friend. Luckily, Sneha had made her sane. Sreeya was an extremely emotional and sensitive girl. All her life, she was treated with love and care. No one had ever misbehaved with her and neither did she. She couldn’t take what he was doing to her. He constantly accused her of things she felt sorry and guilty. However, one day, he made her believed that he was sorry for his behavior and again realized his love for her. And she got happy, forgetting all the harshness he showed. He tried to be intimate again and this time, with no hindrance she let him do whatever he desired. They went on a class tour. She went to his room. She didn’t restrict herself. He uttered the words she was dying to hear – “I love you”.

She let go of her awkwardness and slowly emerged herself in making out. She asked, “Are you happy?” He replied “yes, I love you and I would never leave you. We will marry soon.” She let go under discomfort. She wished to feel the act. She was happy to be in his arms – the man with whom she dreamt to spend her life with. He started kissing her lips, her neck, her forehead, her ears. She too didn’t restrict herself. She went with the flow. But she didn’t want any sex. She was afraid to lose her virginity. All of a sudden, she saw the change in his eyes – the love she felt in them, started fading away. All she could see was anger and hatred and a cunning smile. He pushed her away. He shouted, “Now you are corrupted. You are not that pure soul you thought you were. I am leaving you. You are a typical behenji. If you want me to marry you, I want sex. Else, just fuck off bitch.”

She was stunned. She was shocked. She didn’t know what to do, what to believe. She felt like the world was collapsing around her. She just felt dirty. She saw her dreams shattered in front of her eyes. She had withstood all the hardships and verbal abuses he made but still she hoped that he would pamper her the way he used to. She felt extreme mental agony. She felt cursed, she felt like a criminal breaking all the rules of the family. She felt like dying out of guilt and sin. She felt like she had turned everyone’s head down. She couldn’t even cry – she was hit by anxiety, depression and trauma. He didn’t stop, he uttered that this was her punishment. He called her clever bitch because she resisted the sex. Now, that she had resisted the sex, she wouldn’t exist in his life anymore. He was finally happy fulfilling his revenge. The girl went silent. She had nowhere to go, no one to tell. She moaned in grief. She felt like she shouldn’t have any right to exist. She cried and cried her heart out. She wanted to die but committing suicide was a sin.

She should never commit this sin ever. She prayed for her death. Her character was ruined. Her values and morals were degraded. What she always hated, she was now a part of that same sin. She hated herself. She hated her heart. But after everything, she still loved him and wished to believe all these were a lie. She succumbed herself into her hostel room in a dark corner, crying alone – “he didn’t mean it. He didn’t. It’s his prank. He loves me right? He can’t do this to me. He loves me. I know. He is just angry. No worries I’ll win him over with my love. I love you. I really do. You will marry me I know. Say! Please say! You love me right!?” She started shouting like an insane woman. She just couldn’t believe what had happened to her. But somehow, she managed to pretend that everything was all fine. She was happy. She laughed, giggled like always. Tour ended. They never had a talk. They came back to campus. They shared no meeting, no interaction. Pin drop silence.

Two days later, a text popped up in her phone. “Listen, I am sorry. Do you wish to meet me? I know what I did is very wrong and I am really sorry. I’ll be waiting for you near the lakeside at 4pm. I realized I can’t live without you. I love you Sree. Bye.” She read the text. She smiled. She laughed like an insane. “see! I told you! I told you! He loves me! He was just pretending to be angry. See?” She went well dressed, to meet him. She smiled and went on hugging him like nothing ever really happened. He resisted that. He was quiet. He whispered in her ears, "I know you love me sincerely, honestly. But I need you to know that I am back in my old life. I have had multiple sex since past few weeks. But I love you I realised. Those are casual sex. I realised I want you badly in my life. You are perfect for my family. I told about you to my parents. She instantly accepted you as their daughter-in-law by seeing your picture that I showed. I have never seen them to like someone so fast. They are forcing me to marry you. They like you. So I want to fulfil your wish too.

I want to marry you too.” She listened and the moment he finished, she glanced at him, with happy tears rolling down her eyes. She smiled heartily – perhaps the smile she felt was lost forever. She once again, jumped to his arms and hugged him tight overcoming whatever resistance he forwarded. She started weaving her dreams once again! She felt alive instantly forgetting all the past pain and mental traumas. She said, once their academic curriculum got over, after one year, they’ll get married. He stopped her – “Wait. Don’t go dancing round with your dreams. I’ll marry you on one condition – You have to give me sex by next month. If you can’t give it to me, I won’t marry you. Remember, you are already corrupted. Sex was the only thing that’s left. “Sreeya stopped. Her smile faded away. She didn’t expect this. She couldn’t accept this. She was being ill-treated so long, and above that this deal of sex felt like thunder. She felt tormented. She didn’t want to have sex before marriage. She was losing her nerves now. She realised that it’s high time she should get away with this man who kept on playing with his emotions. He further told, “there’s a good news for you. My parents are coming to talk to your parents about our marriage on my birthday next to next month. And I promise you, I would quit having sex with other women, as well as contacts with other different women from my past with whom I didn’t lose touch.”

Sreeya was shocked, “That means, you were always in touch with them and had affairs in spite of the fact that I loved you and I was your girlfriend? How could you be so heartless? How could you be such a liar! “He paused her, “hey! How dare you shout at me? I’ve given you ample opportunity to be my girlfriend in spite of the fact that you tried to ruin my image. Behenji fucking bitch! who told you that I’m your boyfriend. You know what, you don’t deserve a guy like me. You have no standard to be my girlfriend. I should be crazy then that I treated you special and told about you to my parents. Other girls don’t not even nag or behave like a crying bitch like you. They keep me so satisfied, and you! Can’t even give me a proper lip-lock and I still told about you only to my parents. God knows what my parents saw in a behenji like you. So, just quietly give me sex and I’ll be yours and will give you a proper relationship and respect. Tell your parents about me.”

Sreeya was numbed. All her life she never felt such toxic of herself. She felt like her inside was burning and she couldn’t protect her heart. She felt like someone was making her choked to death. She couldn’t breathe. Her mental state was becoming unstable. But she repeatedly pleaded to him, “Please don’t call me a bitch. It’s hurting. Please don’t hurt me. It’s damaging my mental health. Please Nishant I beg of you. Please treat me with love, please love me, please don’t hurt me. I can’t bear this pain anymore. I can’t do sex.” He simply told, “Fuck off, bitch” and turned his back to her and went away.

Sreeya was stunned, quiet, her mind was blank. She stood like a stone with slow breaths. Then, after a while of silent pause, she summoned herself and went back to her hostel. She was dying each day, tormented, shattered. She knew that she was ruined and she couldn’t marry any other man but him. She had to marry him. She was left with no other choices. She regretted, she cried. She cried to God, “Please help me. Please give me peace. I want to die. Please kill me. I can’t bear this pain anymore. Give me peace God. Bless me with happiness.” She slept sobbing. Her eyes too perhaps started complaining like they were running out of tears.

A new day began with the sunrise. She slept in peace. That night something happened to her of which she had no idea about. She woke up, took the phone and texted, “You don’t need to love me. You don’t need to bring your parents. I won’t let them meet with mine. I am ashamed of myself to love a man like you. You are right! I am not qualified enough to be your wife. I want to break up with you. Good bye.” A moment later, a reply popped up, “How dare you to say a ‘no’ to me. You rejected my parents’ proposal? How dare you to insult them! Who the hell is going to break up? You are not even my girlfriend. And, you have wasted my precious time and energy for almost one long year without giving me sex. I want compensation. If I don’t get one, I won’t let you leave. I will manipulate you to have sex with me. And I won’t even marry you. You, clever bitch.”

The text acted like a hammer. It penetrated deep down her heart and ripped it apart. Sreeya groaned in pain. Her inner voices shouted louder saying,” Why can’t you love me like you used to do? Why can’t you take care of me? Why can’t you hold my hands like old times? Why can’t you love my soul more than my body? Why can’t you accept me the way I am? Why can’t you wait for marriage? Why can’t you keep me happy like you used to? Why? Why did you snatch away my dream, my smile, my happiness? Why!! Answer me!” She burst in tears. With this momentary silence, she just replied as cold as possible, “Goodbye. I know you are humane enough to not blackmail me. I am leaving you forever. I realized, everything was your pretensions. You never loved me. If you had ever loved me, you’d never force me to do all these. I know you are a sex addict. Perhaps your definition of love and mine are twisted and contradictory. I lost all my sanity. Please let me live my remaining life years peacefully. I dropped the idea of marriage, romance, fairy tale, love story, happy endings. Please don’t ask me to have sex and compensation. Please it’s my last wish – please if ever you have loved me for a bit, please let me live - LET ME BE ALIVE. I won’t come back to you again like always. Please don’t come back and hurt my emotions anymore. I’ll maintain a distance. GOODBYE FOREVER.”

They met after a vacation that was going on after tour. She was happy about the fact that he never approached her again and she tried her best to move on irrespective of the fact that they were classmates and had to face each other every single day. She somehow managed to control her emotions and tears. She never told her story to anyone not even her best friend except one – her God. Every night she cried and wished for mental peace. She didn’t say a word to her parents. She went through the old photos in her gallery every night, remembering the happy times they shared, and continued loving him, his memories, and her self-created images of him loving her the way she always desired. And one day she found out that he had long moved on, had a new girlfriend who gave him sex on a daily basis and he was happy too. They both completed their graduation.

Half a decade had passed. And today, he was pursuing his doctoral studies abroad. His family had fixed his marriage with their friend’s daughter – a doctor. And Sreeya was at the end of her doctoral life. She had turned up as a single independent woman – talented, rude and ambitious, bold and beautiful, hard-core realist and a hater of emotional fools. Her parents were tired of asking her to marry, upset to see through her transformation. They missed their sweet soft spoken innocent daughter whom they failed to find in her anymore. They still seek for that lost innocence and loving smile, but couldn’t.

Sreeya thought of listening that ‘secret confessions’ and after so many years, she decided to let go her suppressed anger, pain and hatred. Before she dialled, she scrolled through the audio recordings of RJ Diya’s Secret Confessions participants’ so far in the current session. She played them one by one. One file was pretty large and she started playing. It was about dark tales of love and lust – and how lust won over love. The voice was familiar to her. And then, she was shocked. She exclaimed, “Nishant!” She rose the volume up.

“Hi… I’d like to share my secret. I want to say sorry to her. I know you always listen to this show. I know you are hearing. I should have done this earlier. But you know me right? - this ego! I know you love all these cultural things, you being a literature lover, novel freak crazy girl – am sorry, I know it’s been years. I never contacted you. I realized that the day you left me with hatred for me in your heart, I lost a beautiful soul from my life. I take responsibility of all the pain I have caused to you, all the mental sufferings you had to go through for my behavior, I treated you like hell, I know you didn’t marry. I have changed you. I really loved you. But my sex addiction ruined our love. Yes, I am happy with my lust stories. The partners keep me much satisfied. And I don’t need love perhaps. I’m marrying next year. I want you to know one thing - You are not corrupted like I used to tell you. I just wanted you to feel the same way I felt because of your foolishness, stupidity and immaturity. I am sorry. I never knew that revenge will hurt me instead. I know you won’t believe me. But I miss you, your silly kiddish behavior. I missed the way you used to stare at me with so much love in your eyes, I still remember your eyes – they used to get big when I kissed you. I miss your smile, whenever you used to catch me staring at you in class and you couldn’t stop blushing. I miss the way you always cared for me, I miss the times when you used to fight with me on silly things and you still looked cute. I am sorry, I came to know about you. I turned you into a stone, emotionless heartless rude person. I never wanted this. I know, you hate me. I have realised each day with your absence that I’m incomplete without you. And after what I did to you, I have no right to ask for your comeback. Please forgive me. I am really sorry. It took me five long years to speak out what I always wanted to say. If you are listening, please call me. I know everything has changed between us, so is your number. I’ll be waiting. Thank you RJ Diya for giving me a chance! Bye.”

RJ Diya responded to this man’s confession – “Ohhh… poor soul. Hey girl! whoever you are! Please contact him. He is really sorry for his behavior! Please forgive him! So, now let’s see another confession… “

Sreeya was speechless. She had long left crying. She had been turned into such a stone, that she forgot how to respond to such emotional pleas. She wanted to cry for the first time in these long five years, but her eyes refused, her brain rejected. She no longer had any trust on this man. She was a girl always listening to her heart once, but now she only relied on her rational brain. However, her heart still remembered that suppressed hidden love for him that felt like coming on surface after all these years.

Let’s see, if she once again wished to start over her old story or let it go forever and start living a new one. But whatever be her decision, she felt light after long years, as if she was finally allowed to breathe free and let loose her burden.

 She saw in the mirror; surprised when she found a long lost friend had turned up to visit her – that ‘smile’. She smiled. And for a long time indeed.

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