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Participate in the 3rd Season of STORYMIRROR SCHOOLS WRITING COMPETITION - the BIGGEST Writing Competition in India for School Students & Teachers and win a 2N/3D holiday trip from Club Mahindra

Mooonlight .

Drama Others


3  

Mooonlight .

Drama Others


Some things Mean Nothing!

Some things Mean Nothing!

11 mins 251 11 mins 251

To my first love,

Back in 2018, I was rather really naive, finding friends in foes and smiling to the stranger without too much thought. The fury used to easily overpower me, and the dominance. Well, I love dominating my belongings(sometimes,things and people that didn't even belong to me). SO, out of the fury I left everything behind, dropping out of the college, I can't really bandage that wound. I am not upset though, I met you and people and evolved the way, I never thought I would. From the socially inward, to the most talkative, to the desperate, I think I have stepped onto most stairs now. Even today, when I look back, I see you and the good memories. For, the bad ones, always make me feel down, and for some reason, sadness doesn't make me go merry round.


It all started in May 2018, when after dropping out of college, I was looking for some friends. Not really friends, but anyone who could listen to me, so I went up to this anti-depressant app, where people talked about their miseries, to random strangers from all the corners of the world without revealing identities. Convenient, no? 

I thought the same, so I surfed and scroll and talked to people from India, Sweden, Germany, US, Canada and all the pretty places. All these places, surely had tonnes of depressed people, some at the edge of giving up, some still thriving even with the wrongs they had to bear. Not all were depressed though, some people joined out of loneliness, some joined because they wanted to help. When I joined out of loneliness, Kade(yeah, that's his name) joined out of curiosity, or we could say the wish to be able to help others. He had this white wolf on his profile picture, which wasn't actually odd among so many unknown people, but somehow, I liked it. 

I liked it, until the silence broke and he commented on a post, where I was chatting with my friends. 

"Indians? Aren't you", he said and somehow I could sense a really bitter taste.

"We are INDIANS. You have any problem with that?", I just had to talk that way.

"No... It's just that you guys are everywhere.", he he typed again.

"It's just because we are good at everything. Now, if you will excuse us", I didn't want to fight without a cause and some people are just born racist.


[Two days passed, three days and maybe a week. I could see him in most post, but I would ignore rather than talk after that bitter small argument. But then one day, everyone was busy. Seemed like everyone had some work to do except me.]


That day

After every other post I could read his name.

Post 1: The girl talked about something

Kade: (Giving his suggestions)

Post 2: About random fun games(just to light up the mood)

Kade: (suggesting new games)

Post 3: Some uncle talking about his crappy life.

No Kade

Post 4: Random kid being suicidal

Kade: Making him understand the importance of life.

{Watching all of that, my brain was just so irritated and at the same time, triggered to talk to someone, who is as free as me. So irrespective of all the different feels I opened and set up the chat box}


Me: Hey, So.. I am looking a human diary, now I don't think you will say no to me, seeing how you are appearing on almost every post. So please hear me out and become my human diary. [That's right I didn't wait for the consent of approval, I was that kind of person back then.] I am going to tell you everything from beginning to this current point and you are not supposed to actually respond if you don't feel the need to, I just have to speak and need a safe place to expel it all...(my brain stopping at the word 'safe', how could I feel safe, when I don't even know if the person is actually nice, but I shrugged the thought very easily, for who cares, this is anyway an anonymous app, and I am anyway not going to meet this person in real life.) 

[Presuming he know hindi, I typed all my struggle stories from child abuse, to ptsd to why I left college and coming to the then- current scenario, in hindi.(I wasn't wrong though, but he fooled me long enough)]


Kade: Excuse me? Why would you think I understood any of the shit you typed? 

Me:(Flabbergasted): I don't know. You could identify we were Indians and probably read what I was talking to my friends about on that post.

Kade: I couldn't read it totally, I just guessed it.

Me: Okay. Okay then, I will type all of it in English then(still not caring about the consent)

kade: Sure! Go Ahead, I will give it a read, once I am done with my work.

Me: Cool! Works for me too.(writes everything)

[Day 1.. That was really strange of me, to impose myself on someone like that, but I guess, that year, I was being strange altogether anyway.]

[Day 2,3, 4, 5, 6, and 7. I wrote, he read. Sometimes there was nothing in response, sometimes one or two comforting words and honestly, it's been long enough, for me to remember those words. But then day 8 came, and realisation struck,and I felt miserable, thinking about how I could be so vague, how I could just make him listen me, how I should have asked him first, and then thought.... Maybe I should stop bothering him.]


Day 8

Me: I am sorry.. I really am. I shouldn't have done this. ASking you to become my diary out of nowhere and taking all my crap out here in your inbox. I must have been insane to do such stupidity. I realised this a little late, but don't you worry. I won't be bothering you again. I am sorry for everything.

Kade: Sshhh.. Calm down, Okay? We can talk this out. You are not imposing anything on me, I just read your entries nothing else. I am getting to read a scoop of your life, nothing else. It is not a big deal. So, chill and continue writing. I anyway read them, when I am free.

Me: You sure?

Kade: I am. So just don't worry.

Me: Okay

[2 weeks passed by and now I usually got some replies, but the thought of being bothersome, struck me again and I went all sorry again.]

Kade: Stop apologising! Will you? YOu came by yourself and you will leave when I ask you to. So just keep writing and I will keep reading. Don't over-think. 

Me:(somehow it was intimidating): Okay. But it feels like I am the only one sharing, I don't even know anything about you, I just keep blabbering to you, but I never ask if you are okay. I never asked what made you come here. How are you feeling and all.

Kade: I am doing fine and I just came to help people. There is nothing peculiar about me. So don't worry and keep writing. 

Me: Okay, but everyone has a secret, I can be your secret keeper, do you have any secrets?(not realising, now I was just peeking too much into him)

Kade: I don't have any secrets. I am just a simple-minded person.

Me: Okay, then what about your real name or the country you are from.

Kade: (goes offline)

(1 more week of diary writing, wherein I mentioned samosa too)

Kade: What is Samosa. You cook a lot many things, tell me about some of the good food. 

Me:(explains samosa and rasmalai and a lot of food recipes)

Kade: Interesting.

Me: you still wouldn't tell me anything about you. Is there nothing? 

Kade: I got into fight with a guy here, he is talking all the stupid things and that's upsetting.

Me: Tell him to go away, or gimme his profile name, I will go and talk to him. No one can harm the diary until master is here.

Kade: LOL! Okay, Master!

[I shared everything, from my periods to my fights, arguments and my first kiss experience, and I needed no one else, but my diary to listen to me. It became a habit, which noted every fact, every words and every event of my life. And I guess, that's what made him open up too?]


Random day

Me: So... I seriously think I need to know more about you, now that I tell you almost everything and we kinda get along in the conversation.

Kade: Well, we could have been in the same country, if we were born before Britishers came to your country.

Me: You are not an Indian, but a neighbour to India? Or you were a part of Britishers?(Although, I think I knew then only where he could be from, but I still didn't want to rush to conclusion.)

Kade: A neighbour. We could have been in the same country, if it was not for partition. I am from Pakistan.

Me: (honestly, I needed a moment of silence, but I didn't want this to be a reason to lose someone important to me...[Important, well yeah, he listened to me, when everyone left me depressed.]) Ohhkay.. So, that mean you have been fooling me all the damn time? Talking like this, not understanding hindi. You understand hindi very well, don't you?

Kade: I do. I do and I am sorry, but tell me who would talk to a Pakistani guy? Would they open up, easily to an unknown person, or someone from Pakistan. Would you have talked to me this nicely, if you would have known I am a Pakistani? There are still many differences.

Me:(still trying to process all what I was reading): What is your real name. No fake ones, please.

Kade: (tells me his real name)

Me: okay. And samosa and all the food recipes, you know what these are and you have been just fooling around me?

Kade: It was funny, the way you explained it all, specially golgappa thing.

Me: Haha.. Very funny.

Kade: Are we fine?

Me: why shouldn't we will be fine? We are friends and nothing change it. 

Kade: Great! Then, I will be looking forward to your entries then!


[Things, didn't change much though. Our feelings, were honest and that is what mattered to me. A month later, when I thought, everything was getting little better for me. The teacher in my coaching centre kinda harassed me and his words, just shook me up and made me shiver. All the bad memories, all the bad experiences, everything came back like an explosion pushing me to the edge. I broke down and cried and kade, well he was there, still listening to me. Asking me, if he should handle that guy. Well, the answer was NO. He could not handle him, it was my fight and his interference would just give troubles to him, so I settled on taking a break from the app and facing reality. The tears I soaked myself in, couldn't just help me fight back, so pushing them aside, I talked to real life people, handled that teacher and well I still regret not being able to slap him, but the case was somehow handled by the elders later on and ended up in me leaving the coaching centre.]


[Two months later, when I returned, Kade was still there... And the fact, brought me happiness]

But this time, it wasn't only about my online life, I had to restart my real life as well. For, everything, that was left behind, I had to tie up the strings again and start all over. And all of this took a whole year... I was now talking to my real-life friends more, told my best-friends about Kade, some asked me to stay away from him(reason: Pakistani's are not to be trusted), whereas my and kade's bond was much stronger than they could anticipate, everytime someone told me to leave him alone, stay away from him. I would close my eyes and just ask myself, can I trust this person, and I could not leave him. We didn't just chat anymore, we could talk on calls,(applications allow you to call), we shared photographs, we shared good and bad things. Well, he was still kinda secretive, but we still talked about a lot of things and as he said, I was the only online friend, he opened up, to this much. I started taking snapshots of our favourite conversations and one time my best friend asked me to leave him if I really care about her.


I did block him, but he got a fake account and contacted me via that. I was surprised, it felt good, someone was trying to reach out to me. I surely was new to this experience. I remember, one day I told him, I was going to a friend's house and he told me not to get drunk. I actually went there for a drink, so I thought why would he say something like that. I drank, I watched a movie, I kissed the same guy, I shared my first kiss with (we were not in a relationship, it just happened... that too at one year difference). I didn't know why I felt so stupid after I came back. Maybe, because the guy started kissing my best friend just after we stopped and then came back, or was it just a moment when I felt like crying, and I called Kade and he picked up and said, what did you do? I cried and told him everything and all he spoke was, "why are you crying in front of me then? Shouldn't you go ahead with what you were doing?"


His dialogues, just made me feel worse, and I just disconnected, for an hour no one talked and later after an hour or so.. I got the message 


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