Optimist

"A new bud is born in the garden

mercy and kindness of almighty

dedicated to the heavenly Lord

by the earth mother

rejoice and glory to God

for his opting another 'servant'

The choir practice was progressing in full swing. Brother Andrew in his melodious voice, was teaching this new hymn to all the brothers. I was one amongst those brothers since last ten years. But today I was a free bird, because I was ordained as a 'deacon', and in a couple of weeks, I was to be ordained as a priest. I too had to follow the steps of Jesus and unselfishly serve the people of this world. Few brothers were decorating the Seminary, and I entered the chapel and kneeled down, looking at Jesus on the cross, I opened up my feelings, especially those feelings that I was somehow feeling awkward for myself.

There has been a storm in my mind since last few weeks. I am not amongst those who would often avoid taking stress to think for their 'peaceful way of living'. Certainly I needed peace, but more than the peace, I wanted to be sure that my acts must convince my consciousness as 'good', and all the stormy questions in my mind need answers. I had almost dedicated my life to 'service', and I had no capacity to prove that my decision was correct, and I had never felt the need to prove it sofar, as I always felt, its my life and I don’t need to clarify to anyone about how I live.

To live life as Unmarried, Obedient and in Poverty was my mission. But seeing at those who chose this path earlier, but were never practicing it, my chosen mission started to tremble. Is this mission I chose so hollow? Will there be a time to regret in the mission I chose?. If at all the regret arises, then will I be able to carry out this mission truthfully?. Will I be able to handle the mission with this internal battle of thoughts in me?.. I kept on questioning to myself, but none of these questions had answers with me.

Uncle 'Steve' had adopted me in my childhood as I was a orphan. As he was staying close by to the Church, and, being a busy businessman, he was always travelling, hence I used to spend most of my time in the Church. There was another reason for me was brother Henry, who was gathering all children and teaching them music, songs and to play. I had all the reasons to love the company of brother Henry like other growing children.

I opted to join the Seminary once I completed my high school studies. Uncle Steve was not happy at my decision, as he had no kids, and he expected me to take care of him and his business. But he didn’t yell at me; "You go to Seminary if you want to go, you were never our son and never will be". I gathered courage to digest his words from God. I had started hating this materialistic world, where humans give-up 'humanity, honesty, love, morals' for money and worldly luxury of a few days, eventually everyone has to surrender to death. And whatever things earned in this world are 'not earning' to me. To me all these stages are a carry forward of 'stress'; begins from childhood, the stress to pass by scoring good numbers, the stress of getting a good job, the stress of getting married, the stress of constructing a good house, the stress of upbringing the children... and it is never ending. But at a stage, reflect back and think for oneself 'What's my achievement in life?', what have I achieved? How have I achieved this? To whose benefit? for what price?... never ending questions had answers around these questions. But at any cost I did not want to live my life in this manner. If I live, then I want to live for others.

As soon as I joined the Seminary, uncle Steve broke all ties with me. Like how his life was 'unwanted' for me, probably my life was 'unwanted' for him. Whatever it was, but I didn't look back, I had nothing to look back, but all I could see was Jesus everywhere, these long ten years made me learn so much, starting from orientation, Church history, salvation history, philosophy, theology.. from music, sports to meditation. Still the life had lots of learning left for me. My roommate, brother Lawrence was a year younger to me in the Seminary, most probably next year he would be ordained as the priest.

The life has been a systematic, regular prayers, retreats, rosary, meditation. The true meaning of life was depending upon single word 'faith'. Sometimes the education also can influence a human being. A little education can make a person think himself as 'intelligent', and starts to believe his 'imagination' is a reality and starts to ask; 'Did God create man or man created God?'. 'Who is God?', who has seen the existence of God? And say 'God is the result of no-knowledge and the fear'. I am a person who gives more importance to 'faith' in my life. I did not want to think towards the other questions, probably I am not brave enough to think towards them, but I am a person who believes in one God, you call me a stubborn, you can conclude me as a person 'doesn't want change' - I do not know.

In my life, I did not want to have these nonsense tenors applied to my life and make my life more complex. God had given this life to me to live, and having those tenors applied to myself is like shortening my life.

My faith and prayers are not for show-off, I am not amongst those who would shake his body, dance and pray. To me prayer is a conversation with my God, I rather prefer to close my eyes and converse with God. To me these show-offs, prayers while dance and jump are a circus.

My prayers are not mechanical, I never count the number of hours I spend for prayers, rosary, meditation. To me kneeling down in front of the cross and thinking of revenge on someone is meaningless.

Brother Andrew is in the Seminary since last eight years, he must be 35, but he had taken the oath to be a 'brother' and was serving in the seminary. A few weeks back along with brother Lawrence, I had gone for an outing and saw brother Andrew coming out of a hotel with a girl. Both of us were shocked, hundreds of questions popped up in our minds. What is the relation between the handsome brother Andrew and the pretty girl? Instead of getting answers, the questions got multiplied. Taking the vows of celibacy and spending late evenings with a girl? Was this the reason why I often saw him staying out until late nights?, my questions had no answers.

The rector of our Seminary, Fr. Augustine was a disciplined priest. Someone might have whispered something in his ears perhaps. He himself was awake until midnight to witness the late coming brother Andrew, he never uttered a word, but called him to his room the next morning. Coming out of his room, brother Andrew's face was filled with anger.

Fr. Augustine used to visit nearby village every Thursday, this Thursday while returning from the village, someone had attacked him, as it was dark, he couldn't make out who it was though his cassock was torn, one of his teeth was broken. All the brothers who witnessed seeing his face bleeding. He went inside the room, cleaned himself and came out as if nothing happened to him and entered the chapel. After sometime brother Andrew returned, few also noticed some bleeding at his fist.

Brother Lawrence brought a news from somewhere, that it was Brother Andrew and few of his friends who had attacked Fr. Augustine, but the fact remained invisible. But he kept asking questions;

"How meaningful the words; 'obedience and humbleness' to someone, who can quietly attack his superior?, To whom the Vows is for?, Vows of Obedience is really meaningful? How many priests aren't enjoying their life secretly and royally? Then To whom the Vows of Celibacy? There is absolutely no meaning left in the priesthood, its all hollow and some type of seduction and lies, nothing else."

Hearing brother Lawrence's questions, my mind hit with a storm of thoughts. For a while I shivered and asked God to grant me the strength to digest these questions.

I went to sleep but couldn't get sleep. I could hear some noise at the midnight, hence curiously started to observe. Brother Lawrence was untying the nylon rope, that was being used for drying clothes. I was surprised and asked myself 'what are his intentions at the midnight?', but I pretended as if I was sleeping. After some time, he carried the nylon rope and went to the terrace, I too slowly followed him out of curiosity. He kneeled down and removed his shirt, as I was looking at him, he took the rope and started to hit himself on his back, and started to utter 'My Jesus, forgive me, I have committed a sin, I gave wrong thoughts to someone'.

I couldn't control, but ran towards him and caught hold of his hands. The whole of his body was shivering.

He started to talk; "Brother Theo... they will face for their sins, but I committed a sin, I shouldn't have spoken bad about others with you".

"No brother Lawrence..", I continued "You haven't said anything wrong, but opened my eyes, hence you don't feel guilty for what you said". I somehow managed to console him and bring him back to the room. I could see some bleeding in his back.

After sometime I went to sleep, but the accumulated thoughts couldn't let me sleep. The storm in my thoughts kept me restless, I am not amongst those who blindly take vows and live a meaningless life, to me the path I chose seemed like a hollow path. The conflict of thoughts became so intense that I decided to quit my priesthood. It was a hard thing for me to think, I couldn't sleep for the whole night, as a result, my head started to pain.

I went to chapel for morning meditation, but somehow couldn't focus on meditation. I was in a hurry to meet the Rector. After morning prayers and tea, I could hear few brothers greeting me "Good morning brother Theo", I was not sure if I greeted them, but I could hear few them taunting "Call him Fr.Theo.." and others joined him greeting me "Good morning Fr. Theo", even then I saw silent, then someone poked saying 'He has already started feeling the cross of Jesus on his shoulders' and others laughed, I was still silent and went to meet the Rector.

"Good Morning Fr. Augustine"... I began to speak.

"Good Morning Brother Theo... tell me, what brought you here so early?"

"Father, I have come to reveal something"

He just looked at me with questions on his face.

"Yes, Father, I have decided to leave the Seminary.."

"What...? are you alright?" Fr. Augustine was shocked hearing me.

"Yes, Father, I am serious.. I see thorns in the path I had chosen, I don't fear thorns, but hating them, hence I have taken this decision. Taking three vows in front of God, and then do all sorts of evil acts in secret is just betraying God and human, hence I decided to quit.. it's my final decision" - I kept saying it all at once with all courage.

"Have you thought properly?" asked Fr. Augustine after some time.

"Yes, Father, I had been thinking about it in the last few months.. I couldn't sleep properly thinking about it, hence I decided."

There was a long silence between them, and Fr. Augustine asked; "Will you give me an opportunity to test?"

"Test?... yeah, sure" I replied, though surprised at his question.

"From today onwards, you will fast and pray for three days to God, to show you the right path. And if your answer still the same after the third day, then I will accept your decision". Fr. Augustine said.

"Alright Fr. Augustine, as you suggested. See you after three days".

I had only taken a cup of tea, hence I opted to start fasting from now, and considered today as the first day.

Hearing me, Father had lines on his forehead, there was a reason too. There were 13 others who had joined the Seminary along with me, but it was only me who reached to this stage, as it is rightly said in the gospel; "Many are invited but few are chosen".

I started spending more time in prayers. My mind refused to think anything else other than leaving the Seminary.

I completed one day.

The second day also kept me busy in fasting and praying. I spent more time in the Chapel, looking at the crucifix; "Jesus, show me the correct path, I want to serve you, I don't need to serve people only as a priest, I can serve others in many ways. I remembered Fr. Augustine's sermon few months ago;

"Priesthood is like a burning candle.. there is not much difference between these two. A candle burns itself to give light to others, once its burnt, there will be no proof of its existence. But while it is living, there is always darkness below the candle"

Second day also got over and the third day also came, it was the last testing day for me, but I was still fasting and praying. But I felt more energetic today as I had to leave the Seminary tomorrow. I began to write a letter to uncle Steve;

Dear Uncle Steve,

I know you must be very annoyed with me, I request you to read this letter.

I was an orphan, it was you who adopted me and gave me basic education and tried to show me your path for my life. But I made a mistake by choosing my path. Now I realised that the path I had chosen was not the right path for me, hence I have decided to leave the Seminary and join you and assist you in the business. Please forgive me, like a father forgave his prodigal son, I humbly request you to forgive me and accept me back into your life.

Your son,

Theo

After finishing writing the letter, I began to pack my clothes. It was anyway the third day, and I was sure Fr. Augustine would not stop me for any more from tomorrow.

I entered the chapel almost half an hour before the prayer time.

The meditation board had a theme beautifully written but wasn't clearly visible in the dark. But I could see the crucifix and I switched on the light and started to pray to Jesus "Show me the way", after sometime, somehow my eyes were on the board, reading alphabets, letters and words to finally read the sentence, it was written 'Don't blame the darkness, light a candle'.

I read it again, and again... and again... I started to feel some kind of feeling. Some relief, the feeling came to my mind. I opened up my inner self, where I saw all those accumulated questions had run away. I came out of the Chapel, opened the letter from my pocket that I had written for Uncle Steve and tore it. Now I started writing a note to Fr. Augustine;

"It is not because others are doing that I also must do, I shall find a new path, shall see new facts, shall live new meaningful life, being a priest!"