Khadija Rehman



Khadija Rehman




3 mins

I watch the wall clock, its deep chestnut wooden skeleton, the hour hand, and the minute's hand— ticking the moments away, chasing tomorrow maybe? But I lie numb, unfeeling.

I watch midnight, I watch the next hour, then the next, again the next, a little more. I watch the dawn breaking, the alarms going off, people appear on the roads. Are they lost too? Is everything black and white for them too? Or do they know other colors?

What have I become? I don't sleep now. I watch the time slipping away. I sometimes feel the veins in my head tighten. They hurt. But I like it now. I like the pain. It is the only truth that lets me know that I'm for real, I'm not a lie, a distasteful myth.

All this while, I think about you. I think about the Cranberry Juice. I think about the Mountains. I think about the Lakes. I think about Poland. I think about the London Bridge. I think about the Tiger Sharks. I think about Scuba Diving.

Every memory has sharp, serrated edges. They tear my flesh. In the darkness of the night, I let you hurt me. I'm a castle made up of the grains of sands. I know I'll fall apart. I'll lose my existence. That'll be my end.

I don't talk to people anymore. Their voices twist my guts. They make me sick. They look at me with pity. They want to comfort me. They think I'm a broken, torn Rag Doll. Who are they to care? Please go away. I want to be left alone. I want solitude. I want to think about you.

Every day is a new, fresh battle. I don't sleep. And when I do, I don't want to get up.

I had known that I wouldn't be able to heal you. Still, I chose to let you wound me with your broken soul, your tired anatomy.

Do broken rules demand consequences? Watch me pay now.

I'm still intact because you're still on this continent, my continent. I'll let the world watch me fall apart like an island hit by a hurricane with wind velocity when you'll shift to the country that you have chosen for yourself. I know I'll die many deaths then. Watching you go away. To never come back.

Ah, I can see the sun come up. I squint my eyes. The bright light pierces into my tired eyes.

What do you wish to learn from me? I'm a lot of lessons right now. I'm a girl of flouted logic. I've been running through the jungles. I've been running with the wolves. I can tell you about demons.

Should I tell you? Do you want to know what mistakes I made so that you can protect yourself?

Don't care about a broken soul. I burnt myself out. I look pathetic. I feel dead. I wish to give myself a funeral. Don't try to fix them. It's a mirage. Stay away. Don't go too close. Don't play with their flames. They're not fire. They're an inferno.

I walk on the paths that lead to nowhere. I like being lost now. I don't want to be found. I have become masochistic. Don't do that to yourself.

Pain is not just a four-letter word. It's much more. It grows on your skin. It's parasitic. It'll feed off you. It absorbs you.

Don't fall in love with the Wolf. They can't be tamed.

Learn this lesson. Watch me. I don't see myself in the mirror anymore.

I see a lost, dying ghost now.

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