Last Light

He was coughing incessantly. Sulbha saw no way of curing this cough which had become chronic now. Jagrup was lying down on a cot with coughing pulling him up, and gravity pulling him down. He was moving his head to and fro, in a gesture of unbearable pain. Sulbha was afraid, fear of unknown and uncertain. She didn’t know what it was that was troubling Jagrup for so long and after so many household remedies he wasn’t showing any signs of recovery. Her fear of the unknown- She couldn’t take him to the doctor for she was afraid that doctor would say something terrible has happened to him and would ask for Jagrup to be operated immediately. This would require a lot of money which she didn’t have. Her fear of uncertain-She didn’t have any money saved up for the operation or even medicines. All that was saved up was spent on her grand daughter’s wedding. Their younger son, Raju didn’t have any money at that time and asked for their help. How can she refuse to give money for the happiness of a cute girl who used to tail her around the house saying dadi-dadi. She gave him all of it. More than anything she was afraid of the thought of what would she do without Jagrup.

She went and sat beside him. He smiled through his pain, which moved Sulbha inside. He knew there were so many pent-up feelings inside her which she cannot express. She didn’t want to show her helplessness to him or to make him feel like anything was wrong or even serious. She behaved very casually and started talking to him like she used to everyday.

“Today Lata came by again to ask after your health. And Munni gave this Prasad so I saved it for you and brought some back home. Here have some, this will do you good.”

“Sulbha there is nothing wrong with me, don’t worry. My lying here and coughing is deliberate because everyone likes some attention and some care. “

“I know nothing has happened to you, you are healthy as a bull. You are just trying to give me hard time. And I am just playing along. If guddi would have been here she would have sat between us and would have laughed at our teasing each other, like she used to do when she was young. Remember?”

“Sulbha, I wonder how she looks now, in a saree and all those ornaments. I hope she is treated well at her in-laws.”

“You have seen her at the wedding so why are you asking such questions?”

“That was different, she was a bride on that day. But would she be like you now working her way through the household chores or she would have taken after her mother.”

“I hope she hasn’t taken after Malti, not after her. Oh lord I don’t want my little guddi to be like her.”

“Sulbha take it easy. Our guddi cannot be like her. She is not like that, she has our blessing.” Jagrup coughs.

“Yes but she has her upbringing and I don’t trust her. She hasn’t paid a single visit after her marriage.”

“Oho Sulbha, she must be busy with new people and environment. She has to keep her in-laws happy. And also her marriage is new so she need to stay with her husband. Give her sometime. Why are you blushing, ha ha ha you will never grow up. You are a grandmother now. Stop growing pink now.”

Jagrup starts coughing loudly, “So many times I have told you not to laugh but you don’t listen to me.”

Sulbha rubbed his back to calm his coughing.

“But you told that”………. “that I am like a bull.”

“Yes I did, so have you ever seen a bull laughing and coughing like you do”

“No that is unique to your bull only”

“Munni was telling that Raju is doing good now in his business. He has his own lorry and he serves tea in a very busy city area.”

“Hmmm, how did Munni know this?”

“Her brother-in-law, Mahendra went to city for some work. He happened to meet him and even had tea at his lorry. Said he made good tea. The way I taught him.”

“It is good for him that he learnt atleast something from you.”

“You know he earns 400-500 Rupees everyday.”

“What are you thinking Sulbha?”asked Jagrup sceptically

“Nothing what should I think? Nothing,You think too much.”

“We are not asking for any help from him. You hear me, we are not asking for any kind of help from him”

“We will ask for our money which we gave to him. We will not ask for any help, but what is ours.”

“What we have given was our duty, and I am not asking for that money back.”

“But we need money, we need it now. My wages doesn’t provide us even with food. And I cannot go everyday, I cannot leave you like this.”

“If you are worried about money, don’t worry. I will come along with you from tomorrow. I will work at least half a day. That way I can earn and you can keep an eye on me without taking off from work.”

“Are you mad to work in this condition? You will not move from here promise me you will not do anything stupid.”

Sulbha had tears in her eyes which she was trying to hide by rubbing them away with end of her sari. She was thinking of Jagrup leaving her alone in this house, in this village and in this world. How will she live? What will she do? No, he cannot leave her like this. They have to be with each other, till the end. She was broken when her elder son died. She did not want to experience that pain again. She has to stop Jagrup from doing any work. He must rest for few more days till weather changes and he is alright to work again.

“Don’t worry about me Sulbha, I will be alright as long as you don’t ask that son of yours for any money” (coughing) “And you forgot how I used to love doing the paddy. After you and Guddi, paddy field is the thing I love most. We used to own one acre of it, remember. One acre full of paddy. We had a beautiful little house in that field. How we will work the paddy and in the evening watch it from our porch. Happiest days!”

“Those days will come again, you do not worry. Just take rest for now and then we will make that dream come true.”

“Oh I don’t need my own paddy field now. Any paddy field will do, I just want to feel it again. I want to dip my legs in the water and feel mother earth. Please let me come with you. I am done lying here like this.” (coughing)

“No you are not coming or going anywhere. I am warning you Jagrup if you get up from this cot you will see my dead face.” Her voice was quivering now.

“Relax Sulbha why are you overreacting. I am not going to die so soon, you cannot have this house or should I call it a room all to yourself so easily.”

Sulbha was crying openly now with her tears rolling down her cheeks and reaching to her lips, where her words went wet with her fear. She looked away from him. She was looking at the lamp through her tear laden eyes. Light was blurred to her eyes and her mind was weaving image after image of her being alone. What would she do? Without him, there is nothing for her.

Jagrup tried to sit up in the cot but was too weak to get up. Lack of proper food nutrition, inappropriate medication has led his health to deteriorate. He was getting weaker day after day. Sulbha saw his struggle and asked him to lie down in her crying voice.

Sudha, from neighbouring house came in and asked after Jagrup. “Should I make some of that kadha for you. It helped dadu.”

“What helped your dadu is that you made it for him. Your love cured him. You are a good girl and would make a perfect wife to some prince some day.” Sudha blushed and left the room in a hurry.

Jagrup remembered Guddi, every time he saw Sudha. His whole life he worked in farm and looked after his family. First his younger brothers and sisters, then his parents followed by his wife and children. Of all the persons he has taken care of, his wife was the dearest to him. But Guddi is the one whom he misses the most. Her days of innocence were the only memories he would have whenever he would have to think of something happy but even those memories would bring a tear or two along with them. Now lying there he would think of all the things he didn’t do in his life; all the regrets he had of not going to college, not playing cricket when he was so good at it all because he had to take care of his family and once that started it never ended. Somebody was always there to take care of. And now it turns out he has to take care of himself too. He was worried about Sulbha, of how she was going to survive once he was gone. Hope her son would take her in at least.

Sulbha saw his face and was sure he was thinking of something bad. She tried to break his thoughts by telling him something so he didn’t think much. “Sudha was telling she is doing very good at school and that they teach them computer also these days”

Jagrup smiled as he knew what she was trying to do. This is third time she was telling him this.

“Yes the days have changed now, world is moving very fast. Sudha is intelligent and mark my words she will excel in everything she does.” He repeated this third time.

Sulbha just smiled back, she didn’t know what to add. Jagrup added “Now if you don’t mind we should sleep and take some good rest. If I rest properly who knows I might get cured and can go to work with you.”

Sulbha didn’t want him to sleep just yet. She wanted to talk to him and feel him alive. She was scared that this might be the last conversation she could be having with him. These thoughts were eating her inside but she muttered up the courage to tell him, “Fine if you don’t like talking to me go to sleep. I know I am old now and don't interest you.”

Jagrup started to reply but as soon as he opened his mouth he started coughing and kept at it for a while. Sulbha comforted him and asked him to go to sleep without a word. He smiled and turned his side to face away from her.

Sulbha sat there beside him. looking out the door in the dark of the night. Besides her lamp, a light in the distance was the only glimmer she could see. This must be a lit lamp in someone’s household, with family gathered around the lamp where they are pulling each others’ leg or children listening to a ghost story. or about one of the so many legends of the village. She was dreaming with her eyes open, her only dream of a happy family. She stared at Jagrup’s back for a while and then turned her gaze back to dark emptiness.

Soon the lamp went out.