Ladder, O Ladder

Kshitij woke up sweating in the middle of the third night in a row. It was the same dream again. This time he made up his mind. He was going to see Dr. Gaur. He had been missing his appointments with his psychiatrist for many months now but was experiencing an increasing depression especially with the approaching thirtieth birthday. And now with this troubling dream every night - matters had to be dealt with sooner than later.

“Oh my my, let’s look where the Sun has risen from today” said Dr. Gaur smiling warmly. She was his mother’s childhood friend and had been his psychiatrist since the onset of his depression a few years back.

“You know it’s always a pleasure to see you doc” he said laughing out as he bent forward and hugged her. They had always joked about this line. He always said that it was a pleasure but the visit always came when his trouble was beyond his threshold. And so he would rather not have the pleasure of meeting her as long as the depression remained in his boundary. It was a weird mix - a mean variant of the Catch-22 he thought.

“How are you doing my son? Have you been facing any problems lately?” asked Dr. Gaur with a more concerned look now taking over her face.

“It is not going that great doc. I have had some episodes again lately. And there is this dream that keeps coming back each night” continued Kshitij shifting uncomfortably in the chair.

“Go on” said Dr. Gaur intently listening now.

“Every night when I have reached a deep sleep I happen to see this ladder. I am somehow very troubled in the dream. And every day I am at the bottom of the ladder trying so very hard to climb up. I can just feel the effort that I am making - it aches in me somewhere - I think in my heart. I just can’t seem to be able to make it and yet somehow I want so badly to just climb and climb and reach the top where something awaits me - something beautiful” he described passionately as Dr. Gaur made notes still intently listening without any interruptions.

“I almost feel like I am exhausted in the whole ordeal of trying to get on to just the first rung. And after I can’t go on any longer I almost panic and wake up sweating in the middle of the night” he was now almost sweating and got out a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe a few trickles of sweat that were slowly slipping down his sideburns.

They spoke for a great length of time about the dream and its implications, about what were his worries and fears and what was basically eating him. Dr. Gaur suggested a lot of things and gave him some medicine that would calm him and then went on to how he should tackle the dream the next time.

“The next time, Kshitij, speak to the Ladder instead of scrambling to climb on it or trying to conquer it” she explained and smiling warmly she continued.

“Well you’re a poet, you can make up a rhyme or two right? Then why don’t you quiz the Ladder the next time on why is it there or what it wants and so on and so forth. See what happens. Maybe nothing might happen after all. But you know there is a steep chance that you might get some answers” she said with a look of hope on her face.

Having said his goodbyes and greetings to the family he set out with a slight bit of hope but still a grim look stuck on his face like a mask.

Going to bed that night he thought of what he would say and lost deep in his thoughts he fell asleep.

The dream was back. He stood there facing the Ladder as nervously as a student would look at the exam paper of their least favorite subject. He had rehearsed his part but will he remember to say it in the dream. He muttered with some courage -

“Ladder, O Ladder, would you be so kind? The meaning of all this, would you help me find?”

And sure enough there was some action. He heard the Ladder reply -

“Sure, O Sure, to my words you must pay heed! Reconciliation is your friend in need!”

And with those words he felt his body move up by one rung on the Ladder. Just like that - no physical effort. As soon as that happened he woke up more out of shock than being startled. The words were still ringing in the back of his mind - loud and clear.

Reconciliation is my friend? What need? What, like do I have to do anything? He kept thinking as he tried to fall back to sleep.

It was Dr. Gaur’s turn to be startled this time seeing Kshitij back at the clinic.

“You were absolutely right doc! It was a stroke of genius” he was so excited that he just barged in and began talking.

“The ladder spoke! Can you believe it? It actually spoke to me” he continued with the excitement of a child.

“But now you have to solve this for me” he said and reported all that had transpired in the dream.

“Tell me doc - what do we do next?” he was eager - for action, for answers, for anything that would end his misery.

Dr. Gaur was lost deep in thought and spoke after a few seconds.

“I think I know what’s going on here” she said as she began slowly pacing up and down the length of the room.

“Yesterday you spoke something about your strained relationship with your mother. I would like you to do something about that today” she suggested with some thought.

“It is not that easy doc” Kshitij looked a bit agitated and continued. “A lot has happened and she is an adamant woman whom I cannot reason with” he said in retaliation.

“Yes, all that is true and I am in no place to judge between the two of you although I know both sides of the story, but still I believe it will do you some good” she said in a comforting tone placing her hand on his back.

There were further arguments and reasoning back and forth; but in the end Dr. Gaur convinced him to at least give a call and tell her how he felt. On reaching home he juggled the phone in his hand awhile before finally making the call. After having spoken to his mother for about an hour he called Dr. Gaur and told her that it went well and he had not expected it but he did feel better after doing that. But he still could not tell if the Ladder would leave him alone.

And it did not. That night it showed up again and he had his question ready as well.

“Ladder, O Ladder, would you rescue me from this plight? Why this fright do I face every night?”

As expected, came the Ladder’s reply -

“Sure, O Sure, would you turn from a life that’s sordid? Charity never goes unrewarded!”

He made the trip to Dr. Gaur again next morning. She had him take a hard look on all the affairs in his life that were probably not examined. He knew there were so many things at work that needed to be set aright and his personal affairs too. She had him go to the orphanage that was in town as well. It helped put things in perspective for him. The blessedness of all that he had and the things that he had taken for granted were becoming evident now.

The episodes with Ladder continued for many more days. There was a lot that was changing in and around him. As the pages of his diary were filling up with what was transpiring each day the symptoms of depression were vanishing day by day.

One day after the Ladder had stopped showing up in the dreams, Dr. Gaur had sat him down and told him what she gathered out of all of this -

“I believe that Nature has a way of healing itself. Have you heard that prolonged fasting does not kill a person from hunger but rather it renews the stem cells in the body and rejuvenates the health of the person. Our body whether physical or emotional has the potential to purge itself and heal itself and flourish provided we give it a chance” she was beaming as she was putting forth her theory. With every person she met she found a new way that they embrace life. And with Kshitij’s case she explained -

“The Ladder was nothing but your own growing self-conscience. Our conscience is always alive even though we might sometimes ignore its promptings. But when you take it to heart that your situation is bad and needs to improve you are prone to making the effort. You just need a little nudge, a little push. There was nothing that the Ladder said that you did not already know in the back of your mind. A lot of times you even thought about doing those things and making those changes but somehow in the busy lifestyle did not go through with your decisions. And all the build up from that neglect kept adding rung after rung on that Ladder until finally one day it grew so big that it overwhelmed you and sent you into a spiraling depression. But it is all over now and I am so so glad” she could not explain how happy she was.

Kshitij was himself again and he kept his diary at arm’s length since then to be able to keep himself grounded and to keep reading and looking back at his enchanting conversations with the Ladder. As he happily returned home from the surprise party that his mom threw him for his birthday he could not help but flip through the diary and read a few lines -

“Ladder, O Ladder, would you reveal the trick? To get rid of this guilt, the pain, the prick!”

“Sure, O Sure, Let go of your tough outer wall. Pride is always followed by a fall.”

“Ladder, O Ladder, now shall we end this feud? How shall I change my attitude?”

“Sure, O Sure! Will you obey the secret to which I allude? What goes a long way is Gratitude!”

These and many more conversations had made his day and paved the way for a life's new foray!