Knots And Ties

His eyes met mine across the table. It was an effort to tear them away and focus on what my friend sitting beside me was saying. I forced myself to. Across from me, my husband was steadily eating his way through a plate of mutton biryani. I sighed to myself. Strange are the ways of fate. I had married Nikhil when I realized that Devesh had no intention of leaving his wife ever. I had waited and waited for him to take that step and give our relationship a name.

My friends all told me that I was a fool to get involved with a married man, but I was too much in love. I spent birthdays, anniversaries, festivals on my own because Devesh had to be with his family. When he could make time for me, it was always a rushed meeting. Like a beggar, I used to wait for the crumbs that he threw me from his table. So when I bumped into Nikhil (literally) at the supermarket one Saturday, and he insisted on taking me out to lunch, I agreed. I had not looked at another man since I had been with Devesh. But Nikhil was different. He and I had been in college together, never part of the same group, but we had done some cultural activities together and I had found him to be an easy-going chap who seemed to be fazed by nothing. In contrast to my highly volatile nature, he was a sea of calmness.

During that lunch, I found that he was the same. I talked throughout the meal, asking a million questions, and Nikhil just kept eating and nodding. As dessert came, out of the blue, he dealt me a bouncer. “Marry me”. “What?” I asked, shocked. There had been no preamble to his proposal, we had not met for ages, I had not expected this. I blinked like the stupid cow I was and a picture of Devesh immediately flashed into my mind. Nikhil kept patiently waiting for my answer.

Till today, I don’t know what prompted me to say, “Ok I will marry you” making Nikhil take my hand in his. As I watched our hands intertwined, I mentally rehearsed how I was going to break it up with Devesh…

I met Devesh at a corner coffee shop, one of those tiny places, blink and you miss them, which he preferred for our clandestine dates. As usual, he kept looking at his watch the moment we sat down, and for the first time since I had known him, this gesture failed to irritate me. Over the first sip, I told him, “Devesh, I am getting married and I cannot meet you like this anymore…”

I still remember the look on his face. It was as if a truck had hit him. He knew that in the five years of our love affair, I had been almost a recluse. The news of my marriage was a jolt out of the blue for him. “What…why…who?” he stammered.

“He is an old college friend and as for the why you know why….” I replied. I left him there sitting gaping at me like a stupid owl and never looked back. Once I was home, I shut myself in my room and cried my heart out. I did not love Nikhil, I loved Devesh. But Devesh could never be my full-time partner and that was getting to matter more and more to me.

All these memories came back to me, five years later at that table where both my husband and erstwhile lover were sitting. Devesh had come alone to the party and had not stopped staring at me. I knew it was only a matter of time before he approached me. He had just not been able to do so because of the solid presence of my husband.

Sure enough, while the party ended without further incident, the next morning as I was at work, I got a Whatsapp message from Devesh. He wanted to meet me. I took a long time to answer, looking at my wedding ring as I thought about it. I had thought that I was over Devesh. Nikhil and I had been married for seven years and while it was not the most romantic of relationships, he had provided me with the stability and security which had been missing from my life. Why then was I contemplating meeting Devesh, knowing that it was going to turn my neat little life upside down?

Because I had never really stopped loving Devesh. I had forced myself to cut off all contact with him because when I married Nikhil I had every intention of being faithful to him but now seeing him the night before had brought back a host of memories…

Devesh, when he wanted to be was great fun and he and I had shared an instant connect. He had been my boss actually for a small organization where I worked as a copywriter. Devesh was a great boss – gave me full freedom to do my work and supported me when things went south. Business lunches and traveling for work threw us together and from colleagues, we became friends who had a lot in common. We would talk for hours and I am not sure of the exact moment when friendship became something more. Maybe it was the first time we slept together in a hotel in Dusseldorf where we had gone for a convention. Or it was that time when he and I messaged all evening because he had to stay home with his wife. I deliberately never thought about his wife, when I started the affair with him.

I had known he was married from day one and all he told me was that he and his wife did not get along. Once and only once I had asked him why he did not leave her and his reply left me somewhat disappointed. “In my family, we never divorce. We lead separate lives if we do not get along, but divorce is a big no-no!” Apparently having an extramarital affair was ok, because that is exactly what we were doing. I was the other woman. I shut my eyes and closed my ears to every moral thought that came to me because being with Devesh was like a drug. He was heady, exciting, great in bed, and made me laugh.

So, we continued that way for three years. He would juggle his time the best he could, but of course, he could not acknowledge my presence in his life. I was just his subordinate to everyone and sometimes, he would make it a point to ignore me at work or somewhere public, to maintain that illusion. Somewhere deep within me, I was unfulfilled and unhappy. This part time relationship was not going anywhere, I was not getting younger, and I wanted to settle down with a man who was proud to be seen with me, not someone, who carefully picked off any stray hair from his shirt that might make his wife suspicious.

I got the courage to confront him about how I felt, but Devesh flatly told me, “I never promised you any kind of commitment. I love you, but it is her I am married to. And that is not going to change.” So that was that! I felt as if he had banged a door closed in my face. After that, I never broached the topic with him again, but it was this memory that made me accept Nikhil’s lunch date and finally his proposal. I wanted a proper relationship in society’s eyes.

Now, seven years later, seeing Devesh in person, had made me remember, not the callous person he had been, but all the excitement of the affair. In spite of every good intention, I replied to his Whatsapp, accepting a date with him. That night, once Nikhil fell asleep, I lay awake and looked at his face in repose. He was blissfully unaware of the storm inside me and I knew he did not deserve a two-timing wife. I promised myself that the date was a one-off and I would not cheat on my husband.

The date, however, was a stupendous success. Devesh kept me in splits and then at the end, he shocked me by saying, “By the way, I am single now!” “What do you mmmean” I stammered, taken aback.

“I did not divorce my wife, but she left me for another man…” he said with a hangdog look on his face.

In my wildest dreams, I had never thought that this was a possibility. But it was, and at that moment, I realized, that all my good intentions of not having an affair again with Devesh were rubbish. We started right where we had left off. The only difference was, this time I was the married one, and I would rush off to keep my husband from finding out about my lover.

Oh, I was super careful. After all, I had learnt from the best! Devesh’s number was saved under a professional alias, and I never met him, when Nikhil would be at home. I felt alive at this romantic adventure that I was having, and desirable as well, that I had both a husband and a lover. Three months went by, and I was by then spending every spare moment I could with Devesh.

One night, we had just made love in my apartment (Nikhil was away on a work trip) when Devesh sat up and said, “Look, I know I made you wait and did not marry you when I should have. But we can correct that now. Divorce your husband and let us live openly together as husband and wife..”

He was saying the very words I had wanted to hear for so long. The only problem was Nikhil and the fact that I would have to leave him. Worse, I would have to tell him that I wanted to leave him to marry another man. Despite my heart singing at the thought of a “happily ever after” with Devesh,

I cringed at the thought of the look on Nikhil’s face when I told him.

“Give me some time and I will make it happen…” was my response to Devesh who was looking expectantly at me. He kissed me lovingly and made love to me again, as if cementing his claim to me.

Once Nikhil came back, I wracked my brain trying to figure out the easiest and most painless way to tell him. I could not think of anything though and one Sunday, after Devesh had asked me for the nth time when I was telling my husband, I gathered enough courage, to begin that dreaded conversation.

“Errr...Nikhil?’ I began

“Hmmm” replied Nikhil watching some obscure football game on the telly. He did not even look at me and I trudged on “I want to talk to you about something very important.”

This time, Nikhil turned his patient eyes towards me. He said nothing but waited for me to continue.

“Look, you have been a great husband and this has nothing to do with you. But I love someone else, and I would like divorce so that I can get married to him..” I said in one fell swoop.

I hardly dared to look at him, and when I did, I saw that his expression had not changed. He was still looking at me patiently and then a beat later said: “Thank you.”

I was amazed. What did he mean by thanking me? “What do you mean?” I asked.

Nikhil looked back at the TV. “I have been wondering how I should tell you that we should get a divorce, but you just did my job for me. That’s why I thanked you…” he replied his eyes following the game.

“You mean, you have been wanting to leave me?” I asked, piqued at this new thought.

“Yes. I am sorry I should have told you, but I met someone, and I would like to be with her as well” he replied.

I slowly digested this. And why not? Nikhil by any standard was a great catch, and some floozy had obviously gotten her talons into him. I knew I should be relieved that he was not heartbroken at my decision, but I couldn’t help but feel that this was an anti-climax.

Nikhil was so engrossed in the game, that I got up and went to the bedroom to text Devesh about the success of my conversation. He was thrilled and made plans excitedly about when we would get married and where we would live.

The next few months saw the unraveling of seven years of married life, as we divided assets, met with lawyers and in my case, prepared to move out of the house and in with Devesh. It was exactly one year to the day I had met Devesh again at that fateful party when my divorce became final and we signed the agreement.

Then it was time to plan my marriage to the love of my life and we were never so happy together. I hardly spared Nikhil a thought. Because it was the second marriage for both Devesh and me, we decided to go to the legalities and throw a small and intimate reception.

The day went beautifully and the reception was just what I had always dreamed about, with all our close friends and family celebrating our happy day. In the madness of it all, I was a little surprised to see my best friend, Raima, act a little cool towards me. She hardly met my eyes, and once I saw her staring at me with undisguised disgust. It was so odd because Raima had been my confidante and soul sister for many years.

By then most of the guests had left, and I decided that I had to know the cause behind her dirty looks. I pinned her in a corner where she had been sitting all by herself, and asked, “What is wrong with you? Are you angry with me?”

Raima looked a little uncomfortable and said, “I would rather not talk about it today. It is your happy day and I don’t want to spoil it…”

“Well, you are spoiling it by the way you are acting. So spill!” I replied a little sharply.

“Do you know how Nikhil is?” asked Raima. “Er…no, I have not spoken to him since the divorce. Why what’s wrong?” I asked.

“He is dead” replied Raima flatly.

“Dead? What? Why? How?” I asked shocked. Nikhil had only been thirty-eight. Why would he be dead?

“Yes, dead. He had a particularly virulent form of blood cancer and he was gone in three months..” said Raima looking sad.

I abruptly got up and walked over to a small alcove at the reception hall. Nikhil couldn’t be dead. How could he have gotten cancer and not told me? Small things started to come back to me. Nikhil had traveled a lot during those last months of our marriage, always coming back looking haggard. Maybe he had been going away for treatment and not told me. I had also found a box of injections once on his side of the wardrobe and he told me

they were for a friend. I now knew they had been for him. I had been so enamored of Devesh, that I paid no attention to what was happening at home.

As I thought further, I realized something else. There was no other woman in Nikhil’s life. He had decided to let me go because he was dying. He had just made that story up. As this thought struck me, I saw Devesh approaching me and gesturing to me to come forward for some photos. In that instant, I realized what a horrendous mistake I had made. This guy I had married would never love me the way Nikhil had. I had thrown away true love for something that was perhaps not even real. How could I have made such a big mistake?

In my search for happiness, I had stepped into the gilded cage of Devesh’s selfishness and now I was trapped, with no one to blame but myself. I imagined how Nikhil must have felt when I told him I loved someone else and realized that this would be my penance. For the rest of my life, I would be shackled to a shallow man like Devesh, and forever have the memory of the goodness and kindness of my ex-husband. The days would be long and the nights longer – but that is a fate I had written with my own hands, and I would have to live through it….