Is Everything Fair In LOVE??

She was always like that. Emotional at times and used to worry about everything around. I don’t know why but I always felt secure around her and her insecurities.

I always knew that I don’t have a place in her future. This was a win-win situation because of the certainty. I was not in love with her. Love is too overrated according to me. I only wanted to be with her. We were at a stage where both of us were very sure that things will end up soon. I was trying to enjoy the remaining time and she was busy preparing for the end.

And, all of a sudden, it happened. The inevitable has arrived. The light at the end of tunnel turned out to be that of an incoming train. I was never ready for that. I didn’t know about her but I consoled my heart assuming that she too is undergoing the same pain. I carried on with my life and in a way moved on. I became a successful entrepreneur and was proud father of a 22 years old daughter, Ahdia.

But somewhere inside me, a part of mine was still aching for her. For the last 24 years, I was constantly thinking of getting in touch with her but the fear of getting rejected again stopped me. I was never fearful of our relationship and was ready to defy the norms. My daughter knew that she is very special for me and she respects the sanctity of my emotions for her.

 

11.00 A.M..18/07/2037

I was sitting outside my doctor’s office for my regular check-up. I was old and needed to see him regularly. I saw a handsome boy in his late 20’s standing near a lady in wheelchair and waiting for the doctor. I deducted that she is his mother and they were there for her check-up. I felt something in the air and I don’t know why but I felt a connection with those two. I felt like going to them and see the reason behind this connection. I, involuntarily, walked toward them. 

 

What I saw was unbelievable. I was shocked to the core. I didn't know how to react.

It was she. 

I rubbed my eyes..once..twice. Yes, there she was. My heart skipped a beat and my throat choked. It took me awhile to come back to senses. But while this happened, she was gone.

 

My whole life flashed in front of my eyes. She came, she inspired me to do well with my life and she disappeared. I had made my mind think that she was not real. She was like a dream: a daydream. But those few seconds have shattered my well-framed dream and I was feeling helpless again. It was my turn next and doctor’s receptionist called my name. I went inside and my first question was about her. I had developed a good relation with the doctor and he said that he will tell me about her over the scotch session we used to have every other fortnight.

 

8:30 P.M., 26/07/2037

It's been 8 days and life was going normally for everybody around me. But I have not been OK and was lost in the past for most of the time. I was eagerly waiting for this day as today I was supposed to have that scotch session. I was sitting in the balcony and waiting for doctor to arrive. He was a disciplined guy and reached my house in time. We sat and my daughter brought us two glasses and a bottle of Jim Beam Black. I was an ardent beer lover and was an occasional scotch lover but my age doesn’t allow me to have beer now. We usually used to just sit and talk about cricket, politics and other stuffs. But today he knew will be discussing something else. He easily sensed my uneasiness and tried to change the environment by talking about her hot nurse. I smiled but I stopped him and asked about that guy and her mother. He said he will tell about her but before that I need to tell him the truth.

I took a sip and then looked at the clock. It started running backwards and stopped at a very fine day some 25 years back.

 

10.30 A.M., 07/11/2012

It was a usual day and I was on the way to the office. I used to board cycle-rickshaw for daily commuting as my house was closer to the office. I reached the office and nothing has changed till now as expected. I sat down to work and was going through the mails when I came to know that a new joiner has joined our company. Her name was Anika. Most of the people in my office were from engineering background and thus have spent most of their youth in environment where finding a girl was even less probable than finding a girl in sleeper coach of train. So, instantly she became the talk of the town. I was also following the herd and was equally disheartened when our sources told us that she was married. This was a heart-breaking yet common event for all of us and we went to our respective desks to continue with our dull life.

I, being a social enthusiast, was still interested in knowing more about the false dream that has broken hundreds of heart. I did the routine check and searched her profile on Facebook, LinkedIn and Google. I tried to concentrate on work but somehow I felt like going to her bay and take a look. And luckily for me, I felt an urge for coffee and co-incidentally the way to cafeteria was through her bay. I tried to walk as slowly as possible with my eyes searching the new entrant. I just saw her eyes and nothing happened. It was no love at first sight or something like that. Then, I got busy in the work and day passed like a normal one.

It all became normal after that one look and life was back again to the ground zero. We used to interact a bit but that was mostly work related. We started chit-chatting casually in a while but it took us about 6-7 months to become good friends. It was not possible for us to meet as she was married and also, we didn't want to let the office people know. But I was content with the way things were going. I had finally found someone who was mature enough to stop me from doing any rubbish thing. But I was wrong; the rubbish was meant to happen and the life was meant to change in few days.

 

The chat that changed it all..

Me: hey..what's up?

Anika: nothing much..You tell

Me: same here

Anika: Wish we had met earlier

Me: haha

Anika: I feel so happy with you

Me: Oh!..really..

Anika: I like talking to you..

Me: are you serious?

Anika: yeah..

Me: so

Anika: so..nothing..

Me: I too like you..let’s meet..:P

Anika: where

Me: outside the office

Anika: when

Me: I am leaving in 5 mins..I will give u a call..then you can leave

Anika: OK

 

Those 5 minutes were the hardest 5 minutes of my life. I can’t say I was excited or nervous to face her. She reached there and we both went numb. We were not sure how to react. Something happened and I touched her cheeks. She smiled and I smiled too. We felt better though our hearts were racing like anything. I have never felt anything like this around her before. I tried to be normal and started chatting. But somewhere inside me, I was still searching for the answers to the questions that were raised by sheer presence of her in my vicinity. I looked at her and she looked more beautiful, more astonishing every time I looked. That confession of her has changed everything. It was like she is a different person altogether. I felt peace and my soul was at rest. But as they say “everything good has to end” and that happened to our little but life-changing confrontation. I went back to office and she was on her way to home.

                              

These few hours changed my life. I was not able to work, I didn't felt like eating and was not able to sleep that night. I was constantly thinking about what is going on and what can happen. I messaged her to meet me tomorrow somewhere else. She replied “OK”.

 

Next day..

It was Saturday and we were supposed to meet at 3.00 at the nearby Barista. I was a bit nervous as this was our first date. I reached there 15 minutes before and waited for her. There she was in yellow-coloured Kurta and hair tied into a pony. I felt something; not sexual but sensual. We sat and our eyes met. We didn’t talk for a while but the looks we exchanged were enough to tell each other what we are up to. I tried to touch her hand but she withdrew. I again looked at her and gave her a smile. I ordered cappuccino and she ordered tea. We were so different. She was a tea person and I was a coffee person. She was sophisticated and I was street smart. She was mature and I was carefree. But as they say “opposite attracts” and it happened. We talked about the usual stuffs. I took her hand in my hand and she didn’t resist. It felt like heaven. It was like I have found solace. The time stopped and I again looked into her eyes. I can feel her saying that she wants to be with me forever. We wanted that moment to freeze. We wished that time should stop right here, right now. But it was time to depart, the moment has ended. She came near me to give a hug but I became numb. It had to be the worst first hug ever in history of mankind. All my coolness and devil-may-care attitude seized for that very moment. She smiled at my response and said good bye. I stand there and saw her leaving. It took me awhile to realize that the ship has sailed. She was gone and our first date has ended.

For the next few days, it went all good. Our relationship was going good and we have got quite close. It was unimaginable for us not to meet daily or talk on phone or keep pinging each other every other 30 minutes or so. It was all good and I was cherishing the best time of my life. One fine day, I asked her to drop me home. She was sceptical at first and said no. I got angry and refused to accept her reason that it was wrong. I convinced her that I will not ask her for something that she will be regretting in the future. She drove me home. As I was about to step down from car, she asked me to hug her. I bent down to hug her but the hug was not meant to happen. Our body was out of control and our lips found each other’s. It was a small kiss but its impact was huge. She became numb and drove away. I got scared. I thought I have spoiled everything. I was too frightened to message her and she also didn’t message me. I tried to sleep but it was hard for me. My mind was at peace because of the sheer remembrance of that beautiful kiss while my heart was restless because of the fear of losing her.

 

 

The best days of my life..

Next day I heard a knock at my door. I went to open the door and was amazed to see her. She was wearing a black coat. I asked her to come in and close the door. This was the first time that we were so alone. I hugged her and she responded. This time it all went fine and we spent about 5 minutes like that. I kissed her and it was the most beautiful kiss of my life. We both were happy and satisfied. We knew our limit and decided not to destroy the sanctity of our relationship for things that can cause regret. We started meeting at my place frequently. We were closer than ever. We were living our life together amidst all the trouble. We were enjoying each other’s company. We were like those new college going couples who know nothing but just the fact that they are destined to be together. Our love was naive. Our love didn’t know that we are fighting against all the odds. It would be an understatement if I say that I was feeling heavenly.

One day, she was very sad. I grew anxious and asked her the reason. She said that whatever is happening is not right. She said that she belongs to someone else. I was shattered and felt like someone has squeezed my heart till the last drop of blood. We avoided talking that day and I went home early. I was very angry and my heart was blaming her for no reason. But then I realized that this was meant to happen. She was never mine and I should be thankful to her for being with me. She has crossed the line because she loves me and it's my responsibility to make her feel comfortable.

 

The end or the beginning..

I decided to understand her and comfort her. I met her next day and told her that I am there for her in whatever way she wants me to be. I gave her the key to the driving seat of our relationship. It took us awhile to get back to the normal but she was a fine lady. She knew how to manage priorities in life. She has rebooted the time we spent together, the feeling we shared and the life that was not meant to be. She decided that we should not meet again. We used to talk on phone and chat but we avoided discussing anything that was related to the beautiful past. Many a time it happened that I lost my control and asked her to get back there but she always, by hook or crook, managed to bring me back to the reality.

Her god was with her and I got a new job in a new city. I didn’t want to go but I thought this will help her in her mission. I left the city. She came to say good bye. I was too disheartened to say anything. It was as if I don’t have control over my life. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leave her like this. I didn’t want to let her be someone else’s. But it was not meant to end like the way I wanted it too. It was all over. That was the last time I saw her. She changed her number and blocked me from all sources to contact her. I accepted it the way it was. I started a new life and hoped that she’s doing well. I did well in my career. I adopted an orphan girl and my whole life revolved around providing the best upbringing to her. It was all going fine and I have struck a balance between my life and my life without her. I was doing well till the very moment I saw her in the hospital.

The doctor listened to my whole story attentively. I can see his eyes consoling me. I asked him to tell me about her now. He understood why I was so desperate and restless to know about her after listening to my story.

 

The conversation..

Doc: oh!! I am so sorry.

Me: It's OK..part of life..

Doc: you know why she was in the hospital?

Me: No..that’s why I am here..

Doc: She’s suffering from Alzheimer's.

Me: What? How is it possible?

 

 

I was shocked. She always had this fear that she will end up like this. I was amazed at the irony. I was amazed at the co-incidence that how she knew this. She used to say this again and again. And I always used to give a witty reply. I told her once that I will kidnap her and will tell her that she’s been married to me and she doesn't remember about us because of this condition of her. She laughed a lot at my reply and we shrugged it off. It all flashed in front of my eyes. Doctor got worried and checked my pulses. He told me to go to sleep now. I replied that I am fine.

Doc: What were you thinking?

Me: Nothing..just like that..

I didn’t tell him about the discussions. I wanted to keep it up to me. I went to bed but was not able to sleep. I was trying to find out the logic behind all that has happened. A part of me was taking this as a signal that we are meant to be together. With each and every though, this part of me grew stronger. I decided to do what I have joked about that day. Yes, I decided to kidnap her. I decided to take away her from everyone who was part of her life. I decided to change everything and live a life I dreamed of 24 years ago.

 

Doctor’s clinic..05/08/2037..

I got a call from Doctor and he told me that she will be visiting him today. I told him that I want to see her and asked him for the permission to do so. He was concerned but he said allowed to be in his cabin while he performed the check-ups.

I reached on time. I saw her. She was with her son. I was numb. I was saddened by her condition. She was blank. She was not chuckling the way she used to. She was not smiling the way she used to. Her son seemed to be a good son. It was not possible for me to see her suffer like that. I left the cabin and came back when she was gone. I asked my doctor about her condition. I have done my researches and as per my limited knowledge, her condition was critical. This was confirmed by Doctor later and he said: “She is in the final stage of disease. She can’t remember anything. She can’t speak fluently but she can understand things and can react emotionally through signals and body movements.” I didn't say anything and just left his cabin.

Later that day, I got another call from Doctor and he told me that he had noticed a change in her mental activities during that day’s check-ups. He was not sure but he thought that it had to do something with my presence. This made my decision stronger and I became sure that destiny wanted me to do what I joked about that day. My mind was blank and my emotions were frozen. I just had one thought and I decided that I needed to do what my heart was asking me to do.

 

And the plan was laid..

I was very sure about what I am supposed to do but I didn’t have any clue how I am supposed to do it. I was 52 years old and was not physically and mentally very sound. But I felt a second wind and I felt younger than ever. I was always a believer of true love but this was the first time that I felt the brute force it was capable of generating. I tried to gain more information from my Doctor and he was helpful. Though I was not sure he was doing that as a favour to me or as a favour to her.

                              

I hired a private detective and asked him to get me all the details about her and her family. He was suspicious at first but he got fine as all he wanted was more money. He told me that he would give me every detail I need about her in 15 days. Those 15 days were like the dullest time of my life. I just knew one thing that I had to take her away and give her a life I promised. I was ignoring the fact that what society will say. I was ignoring the fact that how my growing daughter will react. I was ignoring the fact that Anika had a son and a family.

Finally, 15 days ended and the detective had provided me all the details such as where she goes, what her day is like, who takes care of here, when is she alone and other nitty-gritty. I went through all the details and started planning. My detective told me that her son, Aprajit, takes her daily to a park and she is alone there for an hour or so while he goes for his squash session. This was the only chance if I had to execute my plan. I thought over all the things and started zeroing-on in the final plan.

My detective told me that they reach the park at around 5.00 PM and then Aprajit comforts her in a designated bench from where she can look at the nature and think. I don’t know what she thinks: may be about us or maybe she doesn’t think anything and she just stares at the blank. This thought gave me shivers down the nerves but only thing my mind was able to here were those words from the doctor: “she responded better when you were near her”. I was never a believer of god but somehow I started believing in the supreme power and I started thinking that God wants me to take her away from everything and that’s why we crossed paths once again after decades. Coming back to the plan: then he leaves for his squash game in a nearby club. She sits there like a statue. The daily park-goers know her well and they try to keep her space. I decided to go there the next day to assess the situation myself so that I can make a fool proof plan.

 

Central Park..02/09/2037..

I reached the park half an hour before. I made myself sit in place from where I can see her without making people suspicious. The chances were less though as why a 52-years old man will be noticed by people who are so busy in their life that they let their parents struggle by themselves in loneliness and old-age. And then there was her son who has left a job in US so that he can take care of her mother. My doctor has told me this. My eyes went watery and I started rethinking about my decision. But as they say: “You go full retard when you are in love.” and I was going through the same motion. I was indulged in my thoughts and the time went. I heard something and when I noticed she was being comforted by Aprajit. I was not able to see her as he was standing in between the line of sight. My heart started beating faster. I just wanted to see her. He left and now we were alone. I saw her. I looked at her face. It was still so serene. Age and Alzheimer's have taken toll but she was still that beautiful. I went back down the memory lane. I always used to tell her that she will never look old. I used to joke that you contradict the saying that “Time and tide waits for nothing.” Whenever she used to taunt me that she will never marry me because I look younger I used to say “arre..wait for few more years as angel never ages and I being a mere mortal will grow older with time and one day my aging curve will take over yours then we will get married.” She used to shrug me off that time but today I wanted to go to her and tell her how right I was.

The time went by and Aprajit came to take her back. He has hurt himself it seemed and was struggling to put her back in car. I rushed to help and held her hand to give her support. I felt the same as I felt when I first held her hand in Barista 25 years ago. I became motionless. My nerves froze. It was like I have attained nirvana. I heard a voice. I heard a disturbance : “Sir..Are you alright.” The words broke the silence and I was dragged back to reality. I said sorry and helped him in shifting Anika from wheelchair to car. He thanked me and insisted to drop me home.  

I was feeling very nervous as it was my first interaction with the guy about whom I know so many things. He was part of various conversations between me and Anika. We used to discuss about what future she wants for Aprajit and she always used to taunt me by saying that she prays to god that he learnt nothing from me. And I always used to say that you will be so lucky if he becomes like me. He again broke my silence and asked him where I stay. I got scared and told him to drop me to a nearby market. I deep-down knew that my plan would create trouble for him and thus I was feeling guilty. I looked at the mirror and there she was with all her serenity looking through the windows. I went back in the memories and in front of my eyes flashed the day when we went on our first outing…

My Watsapp screen flashed with her message “Ola is about to reach.. I will be at your place in 15 minutes”. I was as excited as I have been asking her since eternity for a trip outside city as it would give us chance to spend some quality time together without worrying about the surrounding. I replied: “come soon..it’s getting harder with every other minute ;)”. My screen flashed again and there she was outside my house. I locked the door and in flash I was in the cab. I didn’t even bother to double check that is the door locked well or are all the windows closed or are the all electrical switches off. I just wanted to be with her as soon as possible. I said “hi” and tried to hug her but she stared at me and I was forced to hold my horses. She was always very particular about me behaving myself while in cab or restaurant or cinema hall. I turned my head toward the other side and pretended as if I was angry. She also started looking outside the window as she very well knew how to handle the dramatic me. I wanted to look at her face endlessly but I knew she would scold me if I stare at her. I looked at the mirror and saw glimpse of the most beautiful things that existed in my universe. She was just looking outside but I can very well sense the happiness in her eyes. She was always like that. She will never show her excitement by words. She was just opposite to me as it was impossible for me to even control the slightest of enthusiasm. I messaged her over Watsapp: “You are looking very beautiful :*”. She replied: “huh”. I replied: “you wrote ‘h” in place of ‘g’ I assume". She turned towards me and said: "Don’t think if I am talking to you means you are allowed to behave immaturely in public places.”

“Sir, we have reached the market.” My memory ride was stalled again. I wanted to say thank you but I choked. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leave her like this. I felt like telling Aprajit everything and ask him “Can I take your mother with me.” I got off the car and waved my hands toward him. He smiled and drove away. I stood there with the hope that the car will stop and she will come out and hug me. Tears were flowing out of my eyes and I was unable to walk. I was feeling very helpless. My phone rang and my heart pounded hoping she has called. I picked the phone and heard a familiar voice

Me: Hello

Ahdia : Hello Papa..where are you?

Me: Hello

Ahdia : Hello Papa..can you hear me?

Me: Yeah...I am about to reach home

Ahdia: OK..where have you been for the last 6 hours?

Me: I am coming...don’t worry!!

I disconnected the phone. I started walking toward my home. I was blank and was just thinking of executing my plan so that we can be together. Something that I always wished for. Something that I waited for so many years. Something that kept me away from reality of life.

I reached home and knocked the door. Ahdia opened the door. I asked her to sit with me. She knew about Anika and always supported me and used to say that I should be with Anika if life gives me that opportunity. I told her about what has happened. I told her what I plan to do.

She comforted me and told me she is with me. She asked me to sleep as I need rest. She went to her room and brought back the album she has made out of old pics of me and Anika. She tried to cheer me up by saying that she will not be motherless anymore. I smiled at her innocence. She was not worried about the society, about the mess that will be getting created or about the pain I will be instilling to Anika’s family. She was just concerned about getting me and Anika together.

Ahdia: So..what’s the plan?

Me: I will kidnap her

Ahdia: OK and?

Me: I will get her here and we three will live happily after.

Ahdia: Haha..she was always right about you. you really are very immature.

Me: What?

Ahdia: Kidding Papa..

Me: hmmm

Ahdia: I think it will not be safe to bring her here. Let’s go to some place where no one knows us.

Me: What about your studies. you are not coming with us.

Ahdia: I will manage.

Me: No

Ahdia: Yes.

Me: No

Ahdia: I too want to be with her. There’s not been a day when we haven’t talked about her.

Me: OK but just for few days.

Ahdia: Yeah and BTW you are an old man now so you will need my help.

Me: Yeah right!!

Ahdia: Now go to sleep. Thank God she will be with us soon. I will not have to take care of this 52-years old kid anymore.

Me: Go to sleep now.

Ahdia: Goodnight

Me: Goodnight baby

Ahdia: Yeah few more hours till I am getting this privilege.

I just smiled. She was more excited than me. I have always tried to make sure that she doesn’t miss the pampering she would have been getting from her mother. But today I realized how much Anika meant to her. I have again started day-dreaming. I was smiling endlessly at the thought of my new family: Me, Anika and Ahdia. I slept with that thought.

 

Early Morning..03/09/2037..

Ahdia: Papa..wake up!!

Me: Hey..morning

Ahdia: I have asked the servant to clean the house.

Me: What house? Which servant?

Ahdia: we are going to our native place. I think it’s better to stay there till things get resolved.

Me: That’s a good plan.

Ahdia: I know. I am smart.

I just smiled. Ahdia was a prototype of me. Like me she used to talk a lot. I thought Anika will love conversing with her. Anika always used to complain about how talkative I was but I knew she liked that nature of mine. Anika has always been there during the troughs and troubles. She was there when I lost my parents. She was there when I was struggling in my career. She was the one who motivated me to do good. She always stood there behind me and pushed me to work hard. Her ways were though mysterious. She was like that pot-maker for me who used to thrash me badly from outside but was always there to hold me from inside so that I don’t crumble. She used to say that one day I will become successful but she will not be there to cherish that. I was about to cry but have to stop as Ahdia was calling me for breakfast.

Ahdia: I cooked your favourite Poha for You

Me: you have cooked poha not ‘my favourite poha’. I will ask Anika to teach you how to cook.

Ahdia: Ya Ya..now you don’t even need me

Me: It’s not true..I need You..I need you more than ever.

Ahdia: Really?

Me: Yeah..who will cook for us when I and Anika are busy talking.

Ahdia: huh

I loved that face of Ahdia. That fake anger of hers. She has suffered a lot because of my obsession with Anika. I used to make her dress-up like Anika. I never married and deprived her off all the motherly love. I used to make her sit and listen to my stories all the time. She used to pretend as if she is hearing them for the first time but I knew she is pretending to make me feel happy. My thoughts again changed the lane. I started thinking about Aprajit. I felt bad for him. I have experienced how tough it is to lose your mother at such young age. Anika was alive but like a statue. She can’t move. She can’t talk. She can’t let him know how much he means to him. Aprajit has left his blooming career to take care of her. He has sacrificed his youth to not make her feel lonely. And yet she can’t tell him how proud she is. For Anika, Aprajit’s career was of utmost importance. She would never have wanted to be the hurdle in Aprajit’s path of success. She has sacrificed everything for providing the best of environment to Aprajit. She said no to me because she never wanted Aprajit to suffer. She used to commute miles daily just to make sure Aprajit stays in the school he wanted to. I choked at the irony. I felt heavy. She, unintentionally, has stalled Aprajit’s life. I wanted to set her free. This thought made my intentions more strong. I felt that by doing so I will be fulfilling Anika’s wish of not being a burden on Aprajit or her family. I felt that God has given me this opportunity to facilitate what Anika would have done.

I checked the time on my watch. I had 5 hours with me to make sure that the plan is executed successfully. I got up and went to check my car. It was full with fuel, cleaned and ready to drive. Ahdia must have taken care of everything. It was her decision to travel by road as taking a plane or train would have been risky. I came back to house to see that Ahdia has packed everything needed. It was like I am going to some other city for my education and my mom has packed everything so that I don’t have to suffer.  

I was always a carefree character. I have always been pampered. Things came too easy to me during my childhood. I was a spoilt brat. I was doing good future-wise till IIT happened. I became more carefree as I thought I have achieved everything. I started neglecting my studies. I started flunking courses. I got a decent job offer from campus. But I was somehow not ambitious in my life before Anika happened. She encouraged me to think big and follow my dreams. My dreams, well, I had only one dream to be with Anika. But she wanted me to focus on my life..my career..my future. She compelled me to do MBA. She asked me to achieve big and told me that’s the only way I can make her happy and proud. I took this as an opportunity to win her from this world. I moved to another city and all ended between us. But her dreams - what she wanted me to achieve - were with me. That changed me. Changed me for good. I wanted to achieve big. I wanted to become rich. I wanted to be so successful that Anika will leave everything and be with me. Not because she was materialistic or something like that but because I have achieved what she wanted for me.

Anika: Why do you love me?

Me: I love you because you make me want to be a better person.

                              

I lost both my parents in a span of 13 months. She never let me feel lonely. She lived through all the pains to make me feel good. She made all my wishes come true. She did things that were not allowed by her conscience. She defied all the societal norms to stick with me. I was growing restless with days. I was, unintentionally, making her life tough by my ever growing demands. It was not easy for her to take the decision to move on. I was angry at first but when I realized the sacrifices she made for me, for Aprajit and for her family my anger pacified. I chose to support her decision and do good in life so as to never let her regret her decision of loving me against all the odds. I still had that hope that someday she will come back to me. I hoped that once Aprajit is settled in his life, she will return and then we will live happily after. I decided not to left any stone unturned and do better than her expectations. I suffered. I cried in loneliness. I felt like going back to her and tell her how hard life is without her every other day. But I held myself back and decided to move on for good. Not move-on from her but move-on from being an immature prick who only thinks about himself. I started living with the glimmer of hope that one fine day life will bring us together.

Anika: I want you not to keep any hope. I can’t make my parents suffer at this age. I don’t want Aprajit to feel bad about his mother. I can’t marry you.

Me: I know you can’t marry me as of now. But what if 30 years down the line I am a successful man, Aprajit is settled in his life and mature enough to understand why his mother needs me and then you know we can get married and life happily after.

Anika: Yeah as if a guy like you will wait that much to marry an old lady.

Me: Why not..I love you very much and I am sure that you will more beautiful than ever even in your 50’s.

Anika: As if? (with her usual blush and fake anger)

Me: I am not trying to flatter you. I am just telling the fact. I have seen you getting more beautiful with passing hours so I am sure you will be awesome even in your 50s.

Anika: Shut-up!!

Me: Love you too!!

“Lunch is ready. Please take shower. We will have to leave in 2 hours”: Ahdia’s voice broke my silence. My second wind has started fading away. I was nervous more than anything. I was worried about what if Anika doesn’t come to park today. I was scared what if Aprajit decides to stay with his mother rather than going for Squash practise. I tried to convince myself that everything will be OK. I closed my eyes. I started thinking about the days when Anika and I were together. All those moments flashed in front of eyes. This always used to work. I used to think about my memories with her whenever I was in distress. The thought of her eyes looking at me used to give shivers down the nerve. The remembrance of how she used to hug me makes me feel worthy of existence. I still remember our first kiss. Our first hug. First time we made love. I remember everything. These memories were my source of life. I used to sit alone for hours just going through all the moments. I used to look endlessly at Anika’s photographs and smile remembering the memories associated. I used to do that even when we were together. I used to like every Facebook pic of her. She always used to get angry as she felt that people will start doubting. Going through her Facebook profile was like performing 5-day namaaz for me. I did that religiously for months till I was blocked as it was not possible for her to keep ignoring my pleas for getting back together. I was blocked over Facebook, over Watsapp, over G-talk and all the medium possible. It was hard for me to accept that. I used to sit and keep looking at all the screens in the hope that Anika will message me or I will get a call soon. I started calling her office’s numbers. I started calling her from office landline. But soon I realized that I am troubling her. I am making life difficult for her. I understood that by doing so I am aggravating her sufferings. I felt like I failed her. I felt like I was breaking her trust. I made peace with the situation and stopped bugging her. “Papa..You aren’t ready yet.”: Ahdia again interrupted my course of thoughts. I said: “Will join you in 5..you start your lunch” and went for shower.

 

Lunch table

Ahdia: So? How are you feeling?

Me: I don’t know. More nervous than the first time I met her in Barista.

Ahdia: Hmm..I remember. She wore some yellow-blue combo..right?

Me: Yeah..Yellow top and denim. She knew I like bright colours on her. you know she came all the way to celebrate my 29th birthday. She used to risk everything for me. I am sure even if that day at hospital she were normal, she would have hugged me without thinking for a second who all are around.

Ahdia: Hmmm.

She knew I am lost again in Anika’s memory. She didn’t disturb me. She knew I have my own ways of getting solace. finding peace.

 

Mia bella, Hauz Khas..18/11/2014…(Flashback)

It was my 29th Birthday. I have made her promise that I will crack my GMAT with good score and in return she will have to celebrate my birthday with me. I was not able to keep my promise and postponed the GMAT date after birthday but she knew how important being with her is for me and she risked everything to be with me.

Anika: So..you again did a false commitment?

Me: hmmm

Anika: you know I was very sure that I won’t be coming today but..

Me: I know you love me. I promise I will not let you down and I will get 720+ in GMAT.

Anika: I have stopped buying your promises.

Me: It was not my fault. I didn’t get the time. I was busy in office work.

Anika: It’s OK. you know I don’t like lies and lethargic attitude.

Me: Yeah..

I made a sad face. I knew this always worked.

Me (in fake sad voice): It’s my birthday.

Me (in fake angry voice): And you don’t even care. you are scolding me.

Anika: Yes that’s why I am sitting here with you without even bothering about what if someone sees us.

Me: Sorrrrrry na

Anika: OK. What do you want to have?

Me: YOU

Anika: Shut-up!!

Me: Love you too!!

I finished my lunch and sat on the couch to get a power nap. But I was not able to as my mind was wandering in the world of beautiful past. I decided to take a walk as my restlessness was taking toll and I can feel my heart rate rising. I was feeling nervous. I was feeling happy at thought of finally being with Anika. I looked at the time and 2 more hours were left. I called my servant to check about things back home. I thought of calling my doctor to tell him that I am shifting back to my hometown. I was worried that he will get suspicious and can play spoilsport. I wanted to take him in confidence but was scared that what if he tells Aprajit about my plan. I decided to tell him but then didn’t as my mind was just focussing on taking Anika away and was not bothered about what will happen after that.

The doctor was close to me as it was long since we knew each other. But down somewhere I was feeling guilty and was not able to accumulate the courage to tell him about my intentions. I was scared. I was feeling bad but the thought of being with Anika made me blind. I was being stupid maybe but that’s how I was always been. Anika used to call me crazy for all the decision I had taken. She always wanted me to get married. She made me clear that it will not be possible for her to leave everything behind and come with me. She was scared to face the wrath of society. She was scared at the thought of breaking so many hearts. She was scared that what impact her decision of moving with me will have on Aprajit. She used to ask me every now and then to get settled. To go away from her. She promised me that her love for me will never change. She promised me that she will do everything to make me happy. To make me feel loved. But she will never marry me. Whenever I told her about something that I wish to achieve she used to tell me that if I fail I will get married. It was her way of motivating me. Inspiring me to achieve my targets. She was such a blackmailer. She had her own little ways of making me do good in life. She wanted to see me happy without being selfish. She, deep down, wanted to be with me amidst all the shortcomings of mine. I was always a point of pain for her. I used to screw up things every now and then. I used to comfortably miss the timelines I had set for myself. All these things were causing extra tension for her. She used to manage everything so well. She was a super woman. She took good care of people around her. She was an awesome mother to Aprajit. She was the go-to-person in her office. AND she was the most awesome lover anyone can have. She inspired me to achieve big. Think big. Dream big.

Anika: Have you booked the tickets for Diwali?

Me: Hmmm..No..will do in the weekend.

Anika: I have told you that the Spicejet offer will end today.

Me: There were no flights to Jabalpur in the offer.

Anika: I checked and there was one flight.

Me: Yeah but not of the day I am planning to travel.

Anika: Which date?

Me: Not decided yet

Anika: So you are telling me that you were searching the flight without deciding on when you are supposed to travel.

Me: well

Anika: you are so pathetic. Who does like that?

Me: ME!!

Anika: Shut-up

Me: Love you too

Anika: you have made this habit of yours. you keep on doing false commitments. I don’t know why I am still with You.

Me: Because I love you like crazy.

Anika: So?

Me: So what..get married to me…

Anika: you know I will never do that. I have always made this clear to You.

Me: But why?

Anika: Because I can’t be selfish. I can’t break so many hearts. I can’t make my parents suffer at this age. I can’t risk Aprajit’s future.

Me: What about You?

Anika: I will manage. If you want to see me happy then find a nice girl and get married.

Me: I already did the first part. I already found a nice girl.

Anika: I am serious.

Me: I know. Me too. you have taken a decision. I respect that. I will never ask you to do something that you are not comfortable with me. But I have also made a decision. I can’t love anyone else. I can’t share my life with anyone else. I have loved you and will do so always.

Anika: But you can’t be alone for whole life. you will need someone.

Me: I have You. The only thing I want is to be with You. To be with you in whatever way it is possible. I never believed in concept of getting married just for the sake of it. I can’t be with someone I can’t love. I can’t compromise. I just can’t cease hoping that we'll be together eventually.

Anika: you are crazy.

Me: I am crazy for you baby.

                              

Anika: I will make you get married.

Me: I will do whatever you wish but not this babydoll.

Anika: Will see.

Me: Yeah..definitely we will see.

We had numerous conversations like this. She used to say all these things about she wanting me to get married, going away from her, bring another girl in my life but I knew what she felt like while making such statements. She was very particular about controlling her emotional outbursts. She always behaved as if she is emotionally the strongest person on the face of earth but deep-down she was like that snail who wanted to go out and see the world but had to be confined to the shell because of the fear of getting preyed. “It’s already 4.30, should we leave?”: Ahdia’s voice broke my thought. I wiped my tears. I held my emotion and replied in a husky voice: “Yeah..Let’s go…”. Ahdia realized that I was crying. She patted my shoulder. She always made sure to give me the space to let my feelings flow. She went to load all the stuff in the car and told me to get ready.

We left at around 5. The park was 10 minutes away from my home but I was finding it difficult to even wait that much. I was getting irritated at usual proceedings. I was feeling angry at the guy who was honking behind our car. I was feeling angry at the red light on the signals. I was getting irritated at the songs on the radio. It was like I am facing the biggest challenge of my life. Those 30 minutes were like that passage which was separating me from door besides which lies the land of happiness and no pain. I wanted to run in place of walking but was not able to. I was being impatient. I was being a guy who doesn’t care about anything. Ahdia sensed that something is wrong with me. She tried to calm me down. She told me that we still have time. We finally reached the place. I rushed to the place from where I used to see Anika going about her daily business in the park. I can sense something missing there. It was obvious that I was accustomed to see Anika sitting on the bench and watching at the blank without moving or reacting. But being there gave me peace. My irritations turned into hope. I was feeling light. I was feeling happy. The door was closer than before. In fact closest it has ever been. I wanted to eagerly relive the moments we have spent together. I wanted to keep her in my arms the whole night. I wanted to talk to her endlessly keeping her head in my lap and caressing her hair while looking at her beautiful face till she falls asleep. I wanted to be the lover she always wished me to be.

“Papa..they are here...”: Ahdia broke the silence. I stumbled while trying to get up from the bench. She held my hands tight and asked me to keep calm. I felt loss of breath. I felt choked. I felt a pain near my heart. I was not able to stand up. I was not able to see anything. Everything was hazy. I was falling into dizziness. I can feel people rushing toward me. I wanted to stay awake. I wanted to stand up and go to Anika. I wanted to hold her hands and take her away with me. I murmured: “Anika..come here..come with me..”. I tried to shout. I tried to beg. My all efforts went in vain. I was unconscious. I failed at my only chance to live my dreams.

I had a heart attack. The excitement, the nervousness took its toll on my aging heart. I felt betrayed. I had faced many sufferings throughout my life. I had seen many ups and downs but my heart has always been my companion. It never let me down but it betrayed at the most important point of my life. I was rushed to nearby hospital. I was not feeling anything. I was unconscious for a week. It was a minor attack but it doesn’t matter as it had crushed my dreams. It ended the journey I wanted to cherish before it even started.

 

Hospital bed..03/10/2037 to 10/10/2037…

I lied unconscious on the hospital bed for seven days straight. Medically I was not alive. Everybody had lost hope. I was lying there with closed eyes. On ventilator. My body was not in my control. My life was dependent on mercy of doctors. The irony was flabbergasting as few hours ago I was about to commit something that I had wished for my whole life and now I was lying on the deathbed struggling to breath. My heart which always ached for Anika’s longing was now been running on few wires. For everyone I was almost dead, I can’t feel, my senses were not working but at my end things were different. Though I was breathing through ventilators. Though I was unconscious. Though I was not able to move or talk or sense. But I was still not dead. I was as alive as I had always been. I was still thinking. I was still taking the trips of my beloved wonderland. I was still doing what I had done my whole life. Thinking about her. Walking in the memory lane. Enjoying the beauty of time we had shared. I was engrossed in Anika like always.

 

A letter to dream girl:

Hey,

I know this is the first time I am writing something to you like this. I always wanted to tell you things through letters but I was always short of words. It’s not that I don’t have things to tell or stories to say or compliments to give. It’s just that I just never knew how to start. I just finished a romantic-tragic novel and somehow it motivated me to write. I have been truly-deeply-madly in love with you since - don’t know- eternity. you are to me what ‘the Prince on white stallion’ is to all the 17-something girls out there in Hollywood chick flicks. you are to me what earth is to sky at horizon. you are like that cool breeze in the desert which never ceases to provide solace; no matter how many times it does so. I, sometimes, feel amazed on how just a thought of yours can drive me crazy. I go nuts and get restless at very thought of not being able to be the part of your world. I always loved mathematics but ‘parallel lines’ always made me sad; they are so similar but still they can’t meet. I know that was a frivolous attempt but it's tragedy at its theoretical best. I know dreams do come true and dreams do get shattered but that’s the beauty of being in love with your dream girl. My situation can best be explained by Schrodinger’s cat paradox. No one knows what lies inside the box called life until-unless it is opened. I may spend my life with you or I may die just like that - unlucky.

It’s confusing sometimes and I do hope to sort it out inside my head but then the real thing takes over. My longings for you get juxtaposed with the happiness I get from just thinking about how awesome you are. I don’t feel restless after that. I don’t feel empty anymore. I go into a world of my own where it’s just me and your thoughts. It’s like Nirvana – ecstasy at its pinnacle. My fortress of solitude, as I would love to call it, has just you and me. Believe me, you look beautiful there. you are like princess there and it can be to you what wonderland was to Alice. The wind, there, blows in order to un-adjust your neatly combed hair; so that I can touch your forehead with my trembling fingers to re-adjust them. The sun, there, shines just enough to let you know how miraculous you look in the daylight. The moon, there, tries to take away your glory but you are too beautiful for that. It sometimes does complain about this to the starry night but they are too busy to make sure that our stroll along the beach is novel-perfect. Talking about the walk along the beach with you, it’s the best thing that a mortal can ask for. The waves, instead of obeying the gravitational force, follow your footsteps. The troughs and crests of the sea, there, are in sync with my heart beats. I always think of asking you not to be so angel-like as it imbalances many things. It makes moon jealous, sea restless and stars awestricken. But then who am I without all your awesomeness. you are the ultimate dream. you are the oxygen to my air, the peanut to my butter and the Eve to my Adam. I want you to be the girl I dream not the girl I deserve. I want you to leave the world you are part of as of now and come to me. I want you to come and live in my fortress of solitude. I want to love you in a way; no one has ever loved anybody. I want to spend my days looking at you smiling and my nights looking at you sleeping. I want each part of mine to be for you. I want my life to pass making you smile and end looking at you.

I can go on writing but I think I should stop to avoid the act of digressing. I know this letter sounds like a film scene but believe me this is the way I feel and this is the only way I can feel about you. I want to be an artist – a personal one for you - and I want to paint with my words. I too want to craft art pieces for you and make sculptures of you but as I have already told you ‘words and words are all I have to take your heart away’.

With tender, love and care!

The "self-proclaimed" Dream Merchant

 

I wrote this letter during initial days of our love story. I always wanted a girl like Anika. Someone who can control my life. Someone who can make me do crazy things for her. Someone who can motivate me to do great. She was “my perfect girl”. She was what I had always wished for. She happened like a dream to me. As the popular saying goes “Love comes from the most unexpected places.”, same happened to us. We were different in so many ways. Our relation was not acceptable going by the norms of society. We were never meant to be together. We were never meant to fall in love. We were like poles apart as far as our idea of life was concerned. She was a god fearing, society dependent, orthodox woman. I was a stubborn, arrogant, self-centred atheist. She was four years elder to me, married and mother to a kid. But despite all this our love blossomed. Amid all the differences our hearts decided to shrug off everything and live the moment. We decided that we have to live for the moment, each and every day . . . the here, the now.

The opportunities to meet were very limited. But we decided to make most of them. We enjoyed every seconds of togetherness. Things were not easy. She had to manage so many fronts. It took me a while to understand what she must be facing. What she must be going through. What trouble she takes to meet me. I was very cranky initially. I was not in peace with the idea that why can’t we be together all the time. Why can’t my mornings start with looking at her beautiful face. Why can’t my nights end in her arms. Why can’t we meet in public places. Why can’t we hold hand and walk like no one’s watching. Why can’t we share all the meals. Why can’t we go on shopping. I wanted to make tea for her when she returns from office. I wanted to massage her hair when her head ached. I wanted her to be my queen for the remaining days of my life. It took me a while to realize that these things are not in our hand. I realized that the only thing I can do is to love her endlessly. I realized that true love is being there for each other without being selfish.

 

Trip to Chandigarh..

Life was not always cruel to us. We got a chance to be together in Chandigarh for 3 days. It was like the best thing that has happened to me in long. We were feeling blessed as this was the first time we were going to be with each for such a long period. I did all the planning. Booked tickets. Booked hotel. Bought a sight-seeing package. I was, for a change, not behaving lethargically. I did things as if this is the most important thing for the world. In a way it was. It was for my world.

Finally the day arrived. We had a flight at 9.00 in the morning. We met at the airport. I hugged her the moment I saw her. She elbowed me and I came back to reality. She had asked me to behave properly till we reach Chandigarh. The risk of being seen together was always there and I tried my best to be cautious all the time. But failed miserably enticed by her aura. I was getting anxious and wanted flight to take off immediately. It was a special moment for us. We took our seats. She was acting as if we are strangers. I always used to giggle on such acts of hers. I told her that it doesn’t make sense as no one knows us in the flight and even if we encounter some acquaintance then how will behaving as stranger help. She looked at me in anger. I picked the random magazine available in flight and started acting as if I am reading the most interesting article I have ever read. Finally the flight took off and much to my pleasure we were just 30 minutes away from reaching Chandigarh. I tried to look at her through the pages and she like always was looking outside the window. I smiled. I asked her how she is feeling. She shrugged-off the question and told me that I should behave properly till we reach the hotel. We have booked two separate rooms as we didn’t want to take any risk. She was on her official trip and thus we needed to be cautious as chances were high that someone from her office can see us together. I again went back to reading. The flight attendant made the final call and the flight was about to land. I saw the happiness beneath her eyes. I sensed the joy on her face. She didn’t say a word but I understood what going inside her heart. She was equally excited. It was indeed the most important moment of our relationship.

We reached hotel and checked in our respective rooms. She got ready and went to office. I very well knew the proceedings but I felt sad. I looked at the clock on the wall with anguish. I was not sure how to spend these 6 hours without her. We were so close yet so far. I got a message from that she had reached the office and will try to come back by 8.00 PM. I decided to take a nap as I was not able to concentrate on anything else. I tried to sleep but it was not possible. All the emotions were running through my veins. I was happy that we will finally be having intimate time together. I was excited that I had finally got a chance to see her face as the first thing in the morning. I was excited at the thought that I can finally hug her till I want to. All these thoughts were making it difficult for me to pass time. I decided to get up and go for sightseeing.

I came back in 2 hours and still wait worth 3 hours was left. I messaged her to check about her whereabouts but she didn’t reply. It was natural provided she ought to be busy with meetings and presentations. But my anxiety was not letting me behave normal. I decided to start preparing for the grand evening. I called the reception and asked them to arrange the finest Vodka and Anika’s favourite food for the evening. I groomed myself well and took a shower. I asked Housekeeping to clean the room and put the best air freshener and aromatic candles. I made sure that everything provides a perfect setting for our first night together. I again checked the clock and it was already 8. I called her to check. She disconnected and messaged me that she will be leaving in 10 Minutes. I replied asking her to come directly to my room. My anxiety grew with every minute and I was walking in the room like crazy. I called the reception to check about the orders I had placed and explained them the timings again. My phone rang and it was Anika’s call. She told me that she had just reached her room and asked me to come over. I insisted on meeting at my room. She was unwilling to but she sensed that I had made some plans and thus she eventually agreed. I went to the door in anticipation but she was not there yet. It took her good ten minutes to come and finally I heard a knock on the door. I rushed to the door and almost slipped. I opened the door and there she was in a black gown looking as beautiful as ever. She had changed the dress to match the occasion. She knew me so well. She anticipated about my plan based on my baseless insisting on meeting in my room. She came inside and closed the door. She hugged me like a baby. I was always the one doing such things. I was the one who took the first step while we hugged for the first time. I was the one who initiated our first kiss. I was the one who convinced her to make love to me. The freedom we got had helped her in she being herself. She was, for the first time, expressing what she wanted. I hugged her tightly. I kissed her forehead. I whispered in her ears how beautiful she is looking. I caressed her back to let her know how much I cared for her. I pulled her cheek when we parted to let her know how cute she looked. I took her hand in my hand and made her lie on the bed. I dimmed all the lights and went towards her. My heart was racing very fast. I was excited and nervous. I was happy. I was eternally happy.

                              

We had so many things to talk about. We had so many pending discussions. About life. About love. About rights and wrongs. About almost everything. We could have gone for sightseeing. We could have asked the reception to bring our order. We could have just watched TV or listened to the music. But we put everything on hold. We decided to shed away the physical barrier that made us two separate beings. We decided to let our body follow the path that had already been transversed by our soul. We decided to seize the moment and become One Body, One Soul. I advanced toward her. She was breathing heavily. My heart was pounding. The candles were working. The atmosphere was as aromatic as ever. She was looking very beautiful in those yellow lights. Her eyes were constantly looking at me. They wanted to know what would be the next step. They wanted me to take control and let our lips decide what lies in the store.

I went close to her. My lips were near her lips. I planted a deep kiss. She responded. My hands automatically went berserk. They were exploring her body the way a squirrel digs ground while searching for the lost seed. With every movement of my lips over hers, it was getting difficult to control. I stopped for a while to get my breath back. I started kissing her beautiful face. I kissed her forehead. I kissed her eyes. I nibbled across her ears. I kissed her little cheeks. My lips were traveling across her face. Her nails were digging deep on my back. She was synchronically moving her hands from my hair to my back. Every touch of my lips on her face was driving her crazy. I started going down. I kissed her neck. I heard her moaning. I nibbled over her neck. I licked her collar bone. My hands were caressing her navel over the clothes. The thin layer of fabric was working as the anti-establishment. I stopped my pursuit of heaven momentarily to make things more smooth. I took off her gown. Before that I stared at her from top to toe as I didn’t want to miss any chance to look at the most beautiful creation of god. She was wearing my favourite colour beneath the gown. I smiled at her. She smiled back. That was enough. No words were needed at that time. I again came over her. I started kissing her face. My hands were again exploring the beautiful body of hers. Her hands were tightening their grip over my hair. She stopped me and took my shirt off. She hugged me and we cuddled for a while. She kissed my chest. She played with my hair. We smooched again. It was now impossible for us to stay away further. We did what our bodies wanted. We did what our souls wanted. We became one. We let our bodies satiate their desires. It was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I wanted it to never end. We were exhausted. We were mesmerized. We were still breathing heavily. She hugged me. She hugged me tightly. It was like she never wanted to go away. She never wanted these moments to end. I planted a kiss on her forehead. She was teary. My eyes also went wet. I hugged her tightly and caressed her hair. She whispered in my ears: “I LOVE YOU”. I replied back: “ I LOVE you TOO”.

It happened again. It happened various times. People, who say “Physical things are immaterial in love”, lie. It was not about the carnal pleasures but it was more than that. These were the moments when she was the only thing that existed in my universe. These were the moments when I hoped will last forever. I didn't want to stop. I didn’t wish to get separated. I wanted to continue till my last breath. Till the last drop of blood. Again it was not about the physical thing. It was about the proximity. It was about the feel of being so close. It was about being the only thing that I wanted to stick to for my whole life. As most of the best things has to end, it ended. We caught our breath back and ordered something to eat. I had made arrangements to make this evening the best evening of our lives. The food came. The drinks came. But both of us were not interested. We were just sad at the human’s limitations. We wished we were Hercules. We wished our bodies were capable of going forever. Like always she was the one who came out of dreamland first. I was still in my thoughts, Mourning over the physical limitations. Cherishing the moment in my own unexplained ways.

She asked me for my laptop's password. I was unaware of what’s in the store. I gave her my password. She was looking at the screen and her expressions were changing. I got curious. I got worried. I had not done any mischief after she came in my life. I was a committed and responsible lover. She knew about my not-so-sober past. I had told her about my past relationships. But sometimes even knowing the truth is not enough. All stories have various versions. I told her about my past relationships but she always had that doubt that I am lying about the level of intimacy. For a girl the truth matters the most. Anika was no different. I had told her about my past encounters but never shared the details as I knew it will hurt her. She might start comparing things in her mind. She might start being judgemental. It was very natural for her as every girl wants to be the Special one for her lover. I was not wrong here but it would have created issues. The same thing happened. She came across one of my chats with my previous girlfriend. She read the chat. Her mind stuck around the adjectives I had used. They were almost the same I used for her. It was something very obvious as most of the relations regardless of the level of seriousness involve a various degree of flattery from the guy’s side. She was not ready to come in terms with that. It was obvious. She was not wrong. She believed that she was the special one for me. She indeed was. She felt cheated. She was petrified. I was always against what happened. I was always against peeping into each other’s account. I knew that it could turn ugly. I knew sometimes things are not what they look like. I tried to pacify her. I tried to make her believe that love should not be judged on what one speaks but on what one does. I tried to tell her that words can be misleading sometimes. All my attempts failed. My life was following the law of averages. I was feeling hapless. I was feeling helpless. I didn’t know what to do. I was not sure about what I should say. I could have told her that I was lying in that chat. But what if she questioned my truthiness towards her. I could have explained to her that I said those words just in response. But what if she didn’t believe. It was like a double-faced sword for me. I wanted to tell her that things I say to her have meanings. I wanted to tell her that I meant everything I had said and will say in near future. She was angry. She was emotionally dismantled. I was not wrong. She was not wrong. Life wanted me to pay for the happiness I got. Life wanted me to suffer. Suffer more. I never wished for what happened. But as they say “All good things must end” and same happened to us. What started as the best day of my life turned out to be the worst night mare I always feared. My past had taken a toll on my present. My karma has struck and it struck in the worst way possible.

She went back to her room. I was petrified. I didn’t stop her. I wanted to tell her how much I love you. But I was not able to speak. I wanted to tell her she is the best thing that happened to me. I wanted to tell her that she is the one I always wished for. But these things I had written over that chat too. I feared that she might never believe me. I feared that she might say that I am lying to her the way I lied over that chat. She read the chat but there was no way I would have let her read what is in my heart. I was not able to tell her what’s the difference between what I wrote and what I feel for her. It all would have sound false. She messaged me that she is not angry and she just need her space. But I knew that was not the case. I knew that I had hurt her. I knew that the damage was non-repairable. I knew that I had been screwed and I might never be able to tell her my side of story. She came back and told me to never use those words for her. She asked me to stop trying to flatter. She told me that she always feared that I was lying and that’s why she never trusted me. I tried to tell her that I am worth trusting. I tried to make her believe that I meant everything I say to her. But she was not ready to listen. She was not ready to accept the fact. We were in the same room. But we didn’t talk. We didn’t approach each other. We were lost in our thoughts and slept through them.

Next day we woke up at the same bed but we were not into each other’s arm. We were not looking cuddling. Or hugging. It was not happening the way we planned. It was not the world we wanted to live in. I looked at her. She was trying to smile. But something was amiss. She was not her true self. She was not what the way she used to be with me always. We still had two days with us. We still could have lived our dream. But both of us were not sure how to cover that distance. I didn’t know how to repair the damage that had been done. She didn’t know how to overcome the fear of I being a cheater. She was supposed to take a leave from office. But she decided otherwise. It was a right decision may be. It gave us chance to think through what happened in a more open way. Her constant presence made it tough for me to think calmly as I was baffled by the pain in her eyes. She was not able to think through it calmly as my words were reminding her of what I had written over the chat. We didn’t talk the whole day. She didn't message. She didn’t come over to say bye when she left for office. We were silent. We were not expressing our emotions but there was a turmoil inside our heart. We chose to be silent as we both knew words could hurt.

I was lying in bed thinking about what to do. There was a knock on the door and I, lazily, went to open the door as I thought it might me the room service or something that. I opened the door. I felt a push and heard the door closing sound. I felt strangled. It all happened so fast. She had hugged me tightly. She didn’t say a thing. She just hugged me. I can feel wetness around my shoulder. She was crying. She was hugging me and crying. My eyes too went teary. I hugged her tightly too. I wanted to say things but the moment was not meant for that. I held myself and tried to console her by pampering her back. Her grip became tighter. Her breath got heavier. It was difficult for me to let her cry. I decided to console her. I decided to seize the moment and tell her how important and special she is for.

 

Me: I am sorry but trust me I do love you the way I have never loved anyone.

Anika: you had said the same things to her.

Me: Yeah..but I did mean what I am saying to you...

Anika: But why should I trust you?

Me: Ask your heart..it will tell you why you should trust me…

Anika: Such talks look good only in books. you have proved many a time how big liar you are.

Me: I never lie to you Anika. I had told you about her.

Anika: Yes..but you told me that it was passing affair but chat told me a different story…

Me (angrily): What different story?

Anika: you used the same flattering lines that you use for me.

Me: Isn’t it obvious? All the people in relations use such words..it doesn’t matter they are serious or not…

Anika: then don’t use such words for me..it all sounds so false..

Me: Words are not enough to describe how deeply I feel for you. you are someone that is way beyond any words can ever fill.

Anika: Fine then. If you care for my feelings then you will restrain from using such language for us.

Me: Okay

Anika: There are others way to prove your love. Being cheesy is not the only option.

Me: I will try my best to avoid flattering You.

Anika: Thanks!!

Me: Why that hug?

Anika: I don’t know. I just wanted to hug you.

Me: you may say that you don’t trust me or whatever. But your heart knows very that I do love you more than anything.

Anika: That’s the issue and you are taking advantage of that.

Me: I really love You.

                              

Anika wanted to say something but I locked her lips. I didn’t want her to say anything. I just wanted to make her feel how important she was. I wanted to touch her soul again. I wanted her to trust me. I wanted her to know that she is the best thing that had happened to me. I wanted to tell her she is my destination. She is my destiny. I wanted to let her know that she was what I always thrived for. She was what always my heart wanted. She quenched my desires. She completed me. She was the piece that puzzle of my life was always missing. She was indeed the best thing that had happened to me.

The days passed quickly. I was experiencing that the clock ticks faster when one is happy. It was the last day of our trip. We had a flight to catch. I asked her : “Can the flights be postponed?”. I knew the answer. I knew there was no chance. But that was a question out of desperation. Out of fear of being away after spending the best days of my life. Out of false hope. Talking about false hope that was something which has formed the core of my life. I knew she would never leave her family but I hoped she will one day. I knew that our lives were like railroads that travel together but will never meet but I hoped for a miracle. I prayed for her every day. I wished to be with her every day. I knew how complicated it would be for everybody if we decide to keep every difference aside and spend our life together. But I hoped for some miracle to happen. I hoped life had something in store for us. I used to tell her that if life had made us meet then surely it had some plans. I believed some magic would happen and we could be together without hurting people in course. I was blind. Blind in love. Hope, as they say, is a dangerous thing and it made me crazy. The thought of she going back to her home made me mad. The thought of I being not able to see her face the next morning made me mad. I held her hand tightly and asked her to marry me. It was not a ask but it was just an act out of desperation. My eyes were red. I was angry. Not at her. Not at anybody involved. I was angry at life. The situation. The helplessness. I was irritated at the tomorrow. The day after tomorrow. The life that we would be living. The life that we didn’t chose but was thrusted on us. The society. I was constantly staring at her. She was taken aback. I was being harsh on her. I was trying to force her for something that was wrong. I was looking for answers that doesn’t make sense. She told me that it’s hurting. She looked at me in anger. She looked at me with helplessness. She would have gone any miles if it would have been possible for her. She was always decisive about not hurting people for her happiness. She was ready to sacrifice her life but was adamant on not breaking so many people’s heart. She had decided that she would never jeopardise Aprajit’s future for being with me. I realized that my grip on her wrist was getting tighter. I realized that she is in pain: more emotionally than physically. I felt bad. I felt bad for her. I looked at her face. I can see the pain in eyes. The pain of being not able to be with me was aggravated by my immature behaviour. Tears rolled down my eyes. I apologized for my behaviour. Her eyes were also wet. We hugged. We tried to put our individual pains aside and console each other.

I patted her back. I kissed her on forehead. I asked her to forgive me. I tried to tell her that I respect her decision. I tried to behave maturely and take control of situation. It took ten minutes of hug and few kisses to calm her down. She smiled. I pulled her cheeks. We went for breakfast. The clock was ticking faster. But that was something beyond my control. I decided to savour the remaining hours. I decided not to spoil the great time we spent together by being imbecile. I decided to end the trip on a good note. She always tried to satiate my desire. She always was ready to go that extra mile for my happiness. But she had her limitations. It was me who always spoiled things. Created tensions. Made her cry. Underwhelmed her sacrifices. It might make me look bad but I was also a human after all. I loved her like anything. She completed me. She was the one I was looking for my whole life. She was to me what oxygen is to lungs. She was to me what water is to fishes. She was my dream. My destiny. My destination. I always tried to be in peace with what life had in store for me. But sporadically I lost control. There were moments of desperation. Trails of frustration. I wanted to take her away from everyone and live a life I wished for. I hoped for things to fall in place. I hoped falsely. I hoped desperately. But I hoped.

 

Breakfast table..last day of trip…

She was a big foodie. She was that typical girl for Hollywood chick flicks who loves to eat but was always cribbing about getting fat. The moments we shared over breakfast table in last 3 days were the moment when we talked most. We talked about people. We talked about culinary skills and delicacies. We talked about how bad the hotel was. We talked about how beautiful Chandigarh is. It doesn't point toward our desperation to seek carnal pleasures. Or just being physically intimate. For most of the time we spent together in isolations we just lied on the bed and tried to sync our individual search for solitude. We talked less. We were silent. We were trying to hear each other’s breath. Looking at the ceiling we were letting our heart speak. Words are never enough. Words are for people who don’t have deep emotional connect. We were doing what Nicholas

Spark mentioned in Notebook:

“We sit silently and watch the world around us. This has taken a lifetime to learn. It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox.”

Anika: Look at that lady..it’s her third round...

Me: Haha..let her eat in peace..

Anika: I am surprised why people have to show-off.

Me: What happened?

Anika: In front of her friends she is behaving as if she is very sophisticated and all but she is eating like a monster

Me: Why are you getting bothered..let her eat in peace..

Anika: I am not stopping her but why can’t she be real and stop hiding from people that she is a big foodie

Me: That’s how people are Anika..everybody is not like You..straight forward and true to the core..that’s the thing that got me attracted towards You

Anika: I am not telling you all this because I am expecting flattering words from You

Me: I know.. I am just stating the truth..I am trying to flatter You

Anika: Whatever!!

Me: I really mean this. I was bemused by your simplicity..your truthfulness..your on-the-face attitude..

Anika: It’s OK. you need not to flatter me always.

Me: Arre..It’s not about that..just telling you..

Anika: Can you get some Tea for me?

Me: So insensible!!

Anika: Yeah..I am very bad…

Me: Naaah..You are the most awesome girl I have ever met.

Anika: Lady not girl.

Me: Age is just a number sweetie-pie.

Anika: I feel so embarrassed that I am dating a guy who is so younger to me.

Me: How does it matter..Haven’t you heard that song ‘na umra ki seema ho..na janam ka ho bandhan’...

Anika: Still..what my family will say if they come to know about you…

Me: They will be so happy to have a Son-in-law like me.

Anika: as if..

Me: What?

Anika: you are so dark. My mom hated dark people.

Me: I am not dark. I am just chocolaty in colour.

Anika: LOL

Me: Hahaha

Such conversations were part of our daily life. She was always bothered about people. About what’s going on around. I used to find this cute. I loved the expressions on her face while she used to crib about how irritating people at her office are. I used to enjoy her helplessness at the lethargic nature of people. But these fun moments were temporary. I was not aware that this nature of her could act as the final nail in coffin for our relationship. Her being bothered about society, which I found to be enticing, would trigger her decision to go away from me. Her fear of having bad image in society was growing day by day. Most of our conversations involved what would happen if people came to know about our relation. Our relation was morally wrong. I was not supposed to fall in love with a married mother. She was not allowed to look for love outside her smothering married life. Our society doesn’t care about heart. It doesn’t have place for individual happiness. It runs on right and wrong decided by people whose ultimate motive is to suppress freedom of thoughts. I was a rebellion. I didn’t care about society. I didn’t care about right and wrong doings. For me what provides my heart solace was right. For me what smothers me was wrong. I might have learnt this from my parents. They got married amidst all the opposition from society. Against all the odds. I had seen them preferring love over everything and that’s why I believed that right does not become right because the majority support it.

My dad was 11 years elder to my mom. When they met, my dad was already in a troubled marriage. He was living separately with kids and was looking for a teacher for his kids. My mom was looking for a job to support her ailing father. They met. They fell in love. They decided to get married. My mom’s family was against this. My dad’s family was against this. In 80’s second marriage, that too a love one, was rare. My dad was rich. My mom was from a poor family. My dad was 32 and my mom was 21 at that time. They didn’t care. They put aside their differences. They chose love over everything. They got married. They decided to be together. They rebelled. They believed in love and decided to stick to that. Maybe this was in my genes. I also didn’t care for society. For me the love matters the most. My parents were truly, deeply and madly in love till my dad’s demise. They were best of friends till that time. They used to fight but they never slept separately. They used to not talk but never ceased to say Good Morning. They used to use me as mediator during their fights but never missed on caring about each-other’s need. My dad’s absence took toll on my Mom’s life. She became lonely. She became incomplete. Her three kids were not able to fill that emptiness created by demise of my dad. She said Goodbye to this world 14 months after my dad’s demise. All this instilled in me the faith on power of love. I realized that nothing in this world is powerful than love. I was not fearful of society. I was not bothered about my image. But Anika was entirely opposite to me. She was god-fearing. She was image conscious. Her right and wrongs were defined by the societal norms. Amid all the differences, our love prevailed. That’s the beauty of being in love. Differences matter less and longing matters more.

The time had arrived. We checked out of the hotel and left for airports. We were silent. We didn’t want this trip to end. We were not ready to go back to the real life. We were content with our false world. We were happy with our dreamland. I realized the complicacy of situation. She was more distressed that me. I held her hand. I tried to console her. She, obviously, was in more pain. She was more helpless than me. She was undergoing more sufferings than me. I was the only source of solace for her. I was supposed to comfort her. I was supposed to make her feel better. I was supposed to put my anguish aside and make her in peace with the injustice of life. My hand’s touch broke her silence. She looked at me. She tried to smile. I sensed the fakeness of that smile. I knew she was hurt. She was sad. She was distressed. I came close to her and put my hands across her shoulder. I told her that those were the best days of my life. I asked her to be strong and enjoy what we had. I asked her to thank life for bringing us together. Our relationship was like mirage. It was a journey with no destination. It was not supposed to end as it was not supposed to exist. But same was not true about our trip. It was supposed to end. And it ended. We were back in Delhi and took cab to our respective places. We said goodbye but still kept looking at each other’s cab. We waved hand but we didn't want to depart. But we had to. We went in opposite direction. That was the course of our journey towards our place. That was the course of life for us. That was what our paths were destined to. Our paths crossed but not to go on same direction but to get separated again. That was the truth. That was what we were destined to. Our love had no value. Our longings had no endings. Our life was had nothing good in store for us. It indeed was a mirage.

Life changed after the trip. I became more assured about what direction I want my life to take. It was becoming difficult with each day for me to live without Anika. All the time my mind was occupied with her thoughts. My restlessness was taking toll on my mind. I was getting frustrated. I was not able to make peace with the status-quo. I wanted to change everything. I became desperate to make things change. I tried convincing Anika. I tried to influence her decision. I always knew that she would never take any decision that could impact multiple people associated with her or me. She tried to make me understand the repercussions. She tried to tell me that it’s equally difficult and hurting for her to remain away from me. She tried to convince me about the sacrifices one should make in order to not disturb the balance of life. I found her answers banal that time but when I used to think about everything in my loneliness I understood her situation. I knew I was wrong in pushing her. I knew I was making her life difficult. I knew that I might lose her forever if I kept smothering her. This thought made me more frustrated. I was not able to understand what wrong I had done. Why life was being unfair on me. Why couldn’t we be together if we were in love. I started pressurising her to leave everything for me by my action. Sporadically though. But with time our life was becoming tougher. Mine because I was deprived of her. Her’s because I was being a douche-bag by not being sensitive towards her situation. I was not wrong but I was also not right. I was being selfish. I was just looking at one side of the coin. I was creating a stressful life for her which was something I never intended to. I was making her life hell and the reason I had was that I wanted to make her life heavenly. I was not understanding the irony hidden in my actions. I was not looking at the side-effect my craziness and longing for her were resulting in. I was digging a well which would eventually drown our relationship.

 

One such Watsapp conversation (some day, around 11.00 PM):

Me: There?

Me: hello??

Me: Why are you not responding? I had called you 20 times at least.

Me: ??????????      

Anika: Hi. What happened? I was cleaning the Fridge.

Me: How would I know? you could have told me. I was waiting for You.

Anika: Arre

Me: What Aree..I have not made any plans and was sitting idle waiting for You.

Anika: I told you I will be busy today.

Me: It’s not about today..this has been going for some days now..can’t you just let me know….

Anika: Raj..stop acting selfish. you know I have to manage so many things. I try to talk to you as much as possible. We talked over phone for about an hour in the afternoon.

Me: Now you have started keeping track of when We talk. It’s all about priorities Anika. Initially you would talk all the time and now I have to keep waiting for you all the time.

Anika: Please stop. I am too tired to fight.

Me: Yeah..better you take rest and SLEEPWELL.

Anika: As if you have left me with that option of resting and sleeping well.

Me: Goodnight

Around 11.30 P.M.:

Me: There?

Me: Slept

Me: Anika?

Around 1.00 A.M.:

Me: Very good. Good Night. Hope you are having nice tight sleep.

Around 3.30 A.M.:

Me: Sorry Anika. I never wish to fight with You. I know I keep on torturing you by my actions.

Me: I always say that I understand Your point of views and I really do. I know my actions speak otherwise. But believe me I don’t want to force You. I never intend to push you fro something that Your conscience doesn’t allow. I love you Anika. I love you like crazy.

Me: It’s just that I lose my temper when I am not able to talk to You. I am sorry Jaan. I am sorry.

Around 4.15 A.M.:

Me: I LOVE you ANSY!! :*

Such fights were getting frequent. Most of our time was spent in either arguing the rights and wrongs or pondering over who is at more fault. Love can liberate one but it can’t substitute the basic emotional need of a person. It can help in mending the occasional wounds but it can’t keep on doing that forever. My entry in Anika’s life provided her the breeze amongst the sand storms but eventually everything changes. Things were not as rosy as were expected. I entered into this relationship knowing what lies ahead. I accepted our destiny and always told her that my love and caring for her will never change. No matter what. My love didn’t change. My caring didn’t change. It infact grew with time. Every small things related to her became important for me. I kept hoping that one day tides will turn in our favour. Hope is never wrong but somewhere in between my hope of getting her and my promise to behave maturely I lost the track. What started as a combined journey towards happiness, care and mutual supports had become a torture for her. She had to manage so many things. She had to live a life she never wished for. I was her source of calmness. I was supposed to hold her hand and tell her that I am there for You. But in contrast I was slowly becoming the reason for major stress for her. I, ignorantly, was pushing her away from me. I was punishing her for wrongs she never did. In place of appreciating her efforts to find time for me amidst her responsibilities, I was creating ruckus for no reasons. The inevitable was on its way. My destiny was parting away from the destination I wished for myself. For our relationship. For Me and Anika.

And it happened. She stopped talking to me. She stopped taking my calls. She told me that it’s over. I was petrified. I crumbled. I had lost many things in last few years. But I never cried. I never cried because Anika was always there with me. But now I had lost her. I had lost my pillar of strength. I felt as if someone had taken my soul away. I felt empty. I was not able to reconcile to the fact that Anika can leave me. For me she was my everything. My friend. My partner. My parents. My mentor. My everything. Everything seemed so bleak. So gloomy. I tried getting her back. I tried to lure her by my promises. The same promises that had been broken by me in past many a times. My longing for her and the subsequent immature behavior made her go away from me. For good or bad: Doesn’t matter. She decided to go away. She chose to break her heart once in place of getting hurt on a daily basis. She was shocked at the lack of appreciation from my side. She was disturbed because of the immaturity I had shown. She chose her independance over my love which was getting torturous and suffocating with each day. I could have chosen to blame her. I could have chosen to emotionally blackmail her. I could have got her back by throwing words and promises. But I chose to act differently this time. I chose to let her be in peace. I chose to act maturely for once. I decided to kill my emotions. I decided to keep everything inside and let the time decide. I decided to respect her decision and provide her all the support. I knew I was the one responsible for what had happened. I knew I had lost the most precious asset of mine. I knew I was the culprit and victim both. I felt sorry for her. I felt like going back to her and tell her I do care a lot. I wanted to amend but things got out of my control. She had given me numerous chances before that but I always screwed up. She gave up. She accepted that I will never change. She was gone. She was gone for the last time.

 

Hospital bed..10/10/2037..

Anika had always been the one to rattle me out of my unconsciousness. She did that when I was comfortably screwing up my career. She provided me the needed thrust and motivation to achieve big. She did that when I was unknowingly making her life miserable. She chose the path that separated us. And now she did it again. Her memories shook me and brought me out of medical unconsciousness. I was breathing again. I can feel my hands moving. I was able to open my eyes and see the nurse standing. I wanted to tell her that I want to see Anika. I murmured something. I wanted to say ‘Anika’ but my throat choked. My tongue twisted. But luckily the nurse realized. She called the doctor and rushed toward me. She gave me some water to drink. For the last 7 days, I had been fed only through pipes. I again murmured: ‘Aa..Aa..A..’. The doctor thought I wanted to see Ahdia. He told me that she will be here in few minutes and asked me to let him check my condition. I just shook my head. I realized my helplessness. I realized the haplessness of guy who, 7 days ago, was on a mission to change everything upside-down and now was lying on the bed like a piece of vegetable. Biologically alive but emotionally, physically finished. Tears were rolling from the corner of my eyes. My heart was aching at the cruelty of my destiny. I heard voice of Ahdia talking with the doctor. I felt a little better. I felt relieved as she was the one who was my partner in crime. She was the one who stood by my side without being bothered about the wrong and right. She came near my bed and held my hands. I saw her wet eyes. I tried to smile. I tried to talk to her. But the IV tubes stopped me. I wanted to throw away all the tubes, wires that were restricting me to that damn bed. I just wanted to be free. I wanted to be free so as to go and continue my mission. I wanted to go and get Anika back.

Ahdia: “Papa..How are you?”

I tried to talk but I was not able to. Doctor asked me to use my hands to signal. He asked me to relax and not try much to talk as it might put pressure on my heart. I just smiled. I smiled at the irony. I smiled at strength of my heart. It underwent many hardships but it never cracked And what time it chose to give up. It betrayed me when I needed it the most. I heard a manly voice. A voice I have heard before too. It was Aprajit. He was talking to Ahdia. Both of them came closer to my bed.

Aprajit: How is he now?

Ahdia: Better. Doctors are saying he is out of danger.

Aprajit: Thank God.

Ahdia: Yeah. And thanks to you for helping us that day.

Aprajit: No need to thank me. It was my duty.

Ahdia: But people nowadays are so into themselves that they don’t bother.

Aprajit: Hmm. I wanted to tell you something about my mom.

Ahdia: What?

Aprajit: She had never reacted the way she reacted that day.

Ahdia: As in?

Aprajit: She is in last stage of Alzheimer's.

Ahdia: Yeah..I know. So sorry for that.

Aprajit: Oh..How you know?

(Ahdia was caught unattentive but she tried to do the damage control)

Ahdia: We have a common family doctor.

Aprajit: OK

Ahdia: you were telling something about Anika aunty.

(Aprajit again felt odd as he was not expecting Ahdia to know his mother’s name but he chose to shrug it off.)

Aprajit: Yeah. For the last one year, she is in the final stage of Alzheimer. Her speech had become severely limited, as well as the ability to walk or sit. She needs total support around the clock for all functions of daily living and care.

Ahdia: Oh..so sad!!

Aprajit: But that day she miraculously reacted. I sensed she wanted to say something. She wanted to stand from her chair and reach out to your dad. I don’t know why that happened.

Ahdia went blank. I heard what Aprajit said. I smiled. I smiled at the turn of the events. I again tried to talk. And I succeeded. I called Ahdia’s name. They both rushed toward me.

Me: A..Ahh..Ahdia..

Ahdia: Dad?

Me: aaa..

Ahdia: Relax dad. you just rest. We will talk once you are fine.

Aprajit: Yeah Sir. you should rest.

I just shook my head in agreement. The nurse came and gave me medications. I felt a bit sleepy. But I was in peace. I was happy that Anika identified me. I was always scared that what if I had been completely erased from her memory. But that was not the case. The flower of hope blossomed again in some corner of my heart. My mind started wandering again. I was again day-dreaming. I just wanted to get up and get going. The medications started working and I fell asleep.

I woke up after few hours. Ahdia was still there. Aprajit had gone. I was feeling better. My body was moving more freely. I felt thirsty. I pointed toward the water bottle. But Ahdia and nurse were occupied talking. I tried to speak. I tried to speak clearly. And I was able to.

Me: Ah..Ahdia

Ahdia: Papa..

Me: Ahdia..give me some water…

 

Ahdia rushed to fetch water for me. Nurse rushed and called the doctor. There was an air of calmness. I realized that everybody was scared that I might never be able to recover. I might never be able to speak. I might never be able to move. Their medical science had limitations but they ignored the miraculous healing power of love. They were ignorant of the fact that my love for Anika can do wonders. It did. It worked and made me recover faster than expectation. It all happened after Aprajit told Ahdia: “But that day she miraculously reacted.” I felt a second wind. I felt like I am born again. I just wanted to recover soon and meet Anika. I was examined again. I heard Doctor telling Ahdia that they never expected I will recover so soon. Everybody was surprised. Ahdia was not able to control her emotions. She was crying. I heard my family doctor’s voice. He was on phone. I made out that he was talking to Aprajit. Their conversation shocked me to the core. They were talking about me and Anika. My doctor was asking Aprajit to bring her to meet me. He was trying to explain to Aprajit that it would be beneficial for both. He sounded concerned. I can see Ahdia signalling him to go out and talk. It made me restless. I was not sure what was happening. I called Ahdia. She came and held my hand. She realized that I was not at peace. She told me that everything is fine and asked me not to worry.

Me: Are you hiding something from me?

Ahdia: No Dad.

Me: I have heard Doctor’s conversation over phone. And you know your dad is a smart guy.

Ahdia: She laughed.

Me: Tell me. I am a strong man.

Ahdia: I want to confess something.

Me: Say..It’s OK…

Ahdia: I had told Doctor uncle about you and Anika aunty.

Me: What? When?

Ahdia: The day before we were to execute the plan.

Me: But why?

Ahdia: I thought he will help us and he did.

Me: He might tell someone.

Ahdia: Dad..he won’t. He is a good friend of yours. And also as a doctor he knows your presence can Anika aunty recover. He noticed that the day you were in his clinic while he was checking on her.

Me: yeah..he told me that but

Ahdia: It’s OK dad. He is still helping us. He has asked Aprajit to bring Aniak aunty here tomorrow. He explained him his observation about Anika aunty. Aprajit also realized that. Though he is surprised.

Me: Yeah I heard you too talking.

Ahdia: Poor he. Should I tell him too?

She laughed. She was pulling my leg. I smiled. Her effort made me happy. I asked her to call our family doctor. I wanted to thank him. I wanted to apologize as I used him for ulterior motives. And more over I wanted to hear from him that Anika is coming tomorrow. I asked Ahdia to call a barber as I wanted to look my best. She laughed at my innocence. The family doctor came and told me that Anika will be visiting tomorrow. I was a calm man now. I just wanted the night to pass faster. It was like deja-vu. It was like I am back to those days when we were dating. It was always difficult for me to sleep the night before our planned meet-up. I used to wake up early. Clean my house. Clean my washroom. Shave. Change bed-sheets. Put air freshener. Stock-in her favorite cookies. Inform maid not to come. So many little things which made me restless till she didn't come. I was undergoing those emotions again. I was feeling restless but it was different this time. It was unlike what I had been going through in last few years. It had a hidden happiness. I was medicated again and fell asleep.

I was waken up by the sound of moving wheels. I opened my eyes and saw Aprajit pushing the wheelchair which had my life in it. My vision was blurred but that was enough for me to look at her face. It was still the most beautiful painting on the face of earth. It was so serene. It had that sense of calmness which can only be found by a new-born baby on mother’s lap. My eyes went teary. My heart skipped a beat. I so felt like standing up and hugging her. They came near me. Aprajit stalled her wheelchair near by bed. He enquired about my health. Aprajit, Ahdia and my family doctor were standing nearby. Anika was on her wheel chair. Looking at my face. She was staring without saying a word. I wanted her to talk. I wanted her to scold me for being so immature. I wanted her to tell me how careless I was and scold me for my plan. I felt like crying. I felt like rattling her and ask why she is not saying anything. I wanted to ask her that isn’t she happy on seeing me. I felt hapless. I felt angry at the situation. We both can’t move. I felt pity for myself. For last few years, my only wish was to meet Aniak and talk to her. I would have sacrificed anything for this. And here I was. So close to her yet so far. She was at hand’s distance but I was unable to move. She was unable to move. Maybe she was also undergoing the same emotions. But her situation was more critical. She had not spoken for last one and half years. I felt more anger. I was angry at life for doing this to her. I was the one who always did wrong. I was the one who tortured her. Who suffocated her. Who made her life miserable. I should be the one to get punished. Why was she the one who suffered? Why was she the one who went through all the pain and not me. I prayed to God. I wished that all her pains get transferred to me. I wished for only one thing and that was her happiness. My empathetic journey was broken by Aprajit.

Aprajit: Hello Sir.

Me: Hey young man.

Aprajit: Ahdia and Doctor uncle just told me about you and mom. Now I can reconcile everything. I don’t know what to say or what to do. But I just hope that it works and my mom recovers soon.

I wanted to say many things. But my throat choked. I decided to keep mum. I decided to let the life decide. I was Aprajit’s culprit. I was taken aback by his love for Anika. He didn’t care about what people will say. He didn’t dwell into the wrongs and rights. For him the only thing that mattered was Anika’s misery. He was ready to do anything for Anika’s recovery. He found a ray of hope in mine. Life had brought us in the same boat. Our paths were never destined to cross but they did. Our destiny was so opposite but out destination collided. We both wanted the same thing. We both wanted Anika to get well soon. And we both now had trust in my love for Anika. Ahdia asked Aprajit to leave me and Anika alone. Ahdia knew what I wanted. Ahdia knew what I would have wished for if I were able to convey my feelings in front of Aprajit. They both left.

I asked the nurse to change the inclination of my bed so that I can talk to Anika. She did and I asked her to leave us alone for a while. She left too. I held Anika’s hand. It felt so good. I felt like never leaving her hand. She didn’t respond. She was still staring at my face. My eyes got wet. I knew she would not respond but I decided to tell her everything I had hidden inside my heart for so long.

Me: Anika..I am so sorry for all the troubles I had created. I am also sorry for breaking my promise that no one will never know about us. But I just shared it with Ahdia. And she told the doctor and Aprajit. I know it would have hurt Aprajit. I am really sorry for that. He seems like a nice son. He takes so much care of yours. you remember I always use to tell how that he will be an awesome son. you should be so proud of him. That’s why I used to call you super-mom. BTW you still look very beautiful. I am not trying to flatter You..just quoting the fact. Have you read all the mails I have sent you in past? I am sure you would have read. you should agree that I have kept all the promises. I did MBA. I got the most coveted job from campus. I never smoked. I did had alcohol few times but you never had issue with occasional drinking so it’s OK. you should have seen me few days ago. I am still quite fit. And so are You. Everything is as per my plan. And now you and me are alone here. Let’s elope..Hahaha…

I laughed. I felt like she would scold me right now. But she didn’t. She didn’t respond. She was still staring at my face. But I felt her grip getting tighter on my hand. She was not saying anything but I realized that she was listening. I felt at peace. I felt like talking more but was intervened by Aprajit and Ahdia. I went near Anika and whispered in her ear:

“ Our children are with us right now. The family is complete. I know you want to nudge me but I LOVE you and I know you still love me.”

Aprajit told me that they are leaving and will visit again tomorrow. I thanked him and asked him to take care of Anika. It was a foolish ask from my side as he was doing the job better than I could have ever done. Ahdia smiled at me through the corner of her lips. Aprajit and Anika left. Ahdia came near me and asked nurse to bring some tea for us.

Ahdia: So Raj Sahaab..how are you feeling today?

Me: Slightly better.

Ahdia: Yaya..why not…

Me: I asked you not to tell anybody.

Ahdia: I know but there was no other way. We need to understand that you both need each other. It’s not about what is wrong and what is right. I can’t let you suffer more. I know only Anika’s presence can help you recover. you were lying there for 7 days without responding to any medication.  

She was interrupted by the nurse’s arrival. Our family doctor also arrived.

Ahdia to Doctor: Dad is scolding me for letting you and Aprajit know about them.

Doctor: I should be the one showing discontent. We are best of friends and I share everything with You. But you betrayed me.

Me: I am sorry. I was not sure how would you react. I didn’t want to risk my plan.

Doctor: Yeah..Your awesome plan which could surely have landed you in jail.

Me: I know but what were my options?

Doctor to Ahdia: And you supported him knowing what could have been the consequences?

Ahdia: I knew we were doing something very ridiculous but I was helpless. I have never seen dad so happy or hopeful before. I was ready to sacrifice anything for this content state of his.

Doctor: Hmm..whom I am talking to?? A guy mad in love and his daughter. I digress.

We all laughed. He told me that Aprajit has agreed to bring Anika to the hospital on a daily basis and we can spend an hour together. Doctor also told me that they will continue doing this for a week and then based on further diagnosis Aprajit will decide what should be the next step. I got a glimpse of hope. I saw light at the end of the tunnel. I never left hope of being together with Anika. God has given me another chance. Life has given me another shot at achieving what I always dreamed about. I missed the first chance but I was desperate that this time I will not fail. I believed that if life has brought us closer again then surely it has some plan for us. I was eagerly waiting for the next day. I thought of writing something for her. I asked for pen and paper. Ahdia smiled and went to get the same for me. She was happy. I have not written anything for last 24 years. She knew this. She sensed that I have started living again. She was happy. I was happy. Aprajit was hopeful that his mom will get well soon. Ahdia was still. Motionless. Silent. Staring at the blank. Maybe she was waiting for me. Maybe she was engrossed in my thoughts. Our love has brought me out of the comatose. It has proved how powerful love is. Now it was the only ray of hope for all of us: Ahdia, Aprajit, Doctor and Me. I slept eagerly waiting for the next day. Our life took a sharp turn. It was start of a new story. And the journey began.

 

Anika and Raj - Part 2:

 

4.00 PM..12/10/2037... (Hospital ward)

I was desperately waiting for Anika and the time seemed to slow down. It was always been like that. The clock seemed to stop while waiting for her. I had mixed feeling: I was happy that she was about to arrive and I was sad that why the waiting phase is not getting over soon. Finally Anika arrived accompanied by Aprajit and Ahdia. I felt relieved. I looked at her face and smiled. SHe didn’t respond. It made me sad. I felt distraught at the cruelty of life. She had struggled all through her life. She had sacrificed so much for making life of other’s comfortable. I wanted to ask God why such things happen to good people. I was angry at the injustice. Aprajit inquired about my health. I waived at him. I wanted to thank him but somehow the words were not coming out. My heart was stuck between the right and wrong. I so wanted Anika to speak. I wanted her to comment on the righteousness behind my actions. I wanted her to help me with my misery. I wanted her to scold me in case I was wrong. Ahdia realised that I was not comfortable in front of Aprajit. She told him that she needed to go to market and asked him to accompany her. Aprajit also seemed uncomfortable at whatever was happening. It was very obvious as by societal norm I was wrong. And that was what was making me uncomfortable. I knew how Anika was. I knew how much society mattered for her. I was scared what if when she gets well she gets so hurt by my action that she decides to not being part of my life. I realised that everyone had left and it was only I and Anika in the room. I looked at her. She was staring at my face. I smiled. I wanted to remind her that it was my job to stare and not hers. I wanted to remind her how I used to make her uncomfortable in public places by constant staring at her serene face. I looked into her eyes. I felt as if there were many questions that she wanted to ask. My mind started wandering. I started thinking what can be the questions. She looked so helpless. I held her hand. She didn’t react. I caressed her forehead. She didn’t react. I pulled her cheek. She didn’t react. She was just staring into my eyes. I looked back into her eyes. It went on for minutes. My eyes got wet. My heart was pumping fast. I was waiting for her to respond. I knew I was waiting for impossible to happen. But I had hope. I had never let my hope crash throughout my life. It was high time that I remained hopeful. Tears were rolling down my eyes but my lips never let the smile go away. How could I have not smiled? I was with my love. Whatever the situation be, the underline was that I was with her. Nothing could change that. Nothing could separate us: at least for next half an hour or so. I felt rejuvenated. I felt determined to make her feel comfortable and keep trying. I started talking to her without expecting a response. At least it was better that talking to her in my imaginations. I had done that for more than two decades. I asked myself then why can’t I do this.

Me: you know I wrote something for you yesternight. And trust me I wrote what I felt and not for flattering You. I wrote to remind you of good old days. Wait. Let me open my laptop.

Me: See..I had put Your picture as wallpaper. I know. I know. you want to ask from where I get Your picture. Ahdia downloaded it from Facebook. I had asked her to.

I took her through all the pictures of her that were in my laptop. She had strictly asked me to delete all the pictures of her when we broke-up. She had blocked me over Facebook so I had to wait for years to get access to her pictures. When Ahdia grew up I asked her to do the needful.

Me: I know you are angry but I haven’t broken any promise. It’s just that I am so smart that I found a way. Okay Okay. Sorry baba. Let me recite the poem now:

 

aaj bhi us raat ki sihran yaad hai mujhe..chaand ki sunahari roshni mein bheega hua jab dekha tha tujhe…

tu band aankhon se ghur rahi thi mujhe hansta hua dekh kar..woh hansi toh sirf ehsaas tha tere saath hone par...

tu neend ke swarg-lok mein apsarayon ko dekh rahi thi..main tujhe dekh yaad kar raha tha har baat jo tune kahi thi...

mann tarang-may tha aur hillore uth rahe the kahin..saath sapno ki duniya mein chal toh leta par mann bandha tha wahin...

woh raat ruk jati kuch raat aur toh kya hi hota..jagta hi rahta main fir umar bhar na sota...

ek pal toh laga ye neend hai, khwaab hai, haqeeqat nahi..par fir teri karvat ne sapno ke sapno se jagaya aur laga ye hi hai sahi...

ghadi ki suiyon ko dekhta aur fir chand se karta gujarish tham ja kuch der toh..darr tha is baat ka beet gayi toh na raat aayegi na hi aayegi woh...

aaj bhi us raat ka sach sapno mein mere dhundhla2 dikhayi deta hai..aaj bhi us raat ki khamoshi se gungunata jugnu sunayi deta hai...

aaj bhi us raat ko tere chehre se bahta noor dil mein hulchul karta rahta hai..aaj bhi us raat ko bina kuch kahe jo kah gaya tha main tujhse woh sun sake tu ek din dil mera yahi kahta hai…

 

Me: I know you would have asked me from where I copied it but trust me I wrote it yesterday only. I know you liked it.

I laughed loudly remembering the past such instances. I heard a knock on the door. Ahdia and Aprajit were back. The time passed so quickly.

Me: I think Aprajit and Ahdia are back. I will wait for you tomorrow. Promise me you will be here on time. I will miss you and thanks for making my evening. See you soon.

I kissed her forehead. I asked Ahdia and Aprajit to come in.

Ahdia (whispered into my ear): So..how was your date?

She was unable to hold her giggle. I smiled at her innocence. Aprajit thanked me for taking care of Anika. I smiled at his mannerism. I thought how proud Anika would be. They left. I felt relieved. I felt sleepy. It was for the first time after the attack that I was feeling sleepy without any medication. Anika’s presence had made me better. Once again it worked. But the question was will our meeting will have same effect on her. I prayed to God. I wished she will be fine sooner. I fell asleep thinking about all this. I fell asleep with new hopes. With new mission of my life. A mission to get Anika back to what she used to do best: Scold me for my screw-ups. I knew very well that this time no screw-ups were allowed. Not by me. Not by life. Not by anyone involved.

 

13/10/2037... (Hospital ward)

Ahdia: Doctors are saying that we can go home in next two days.

Me: Good.

Ahdia: What happened?

Me: Nothing. I was just thinking that will Aprajit be comfortable letting Anika to visit me at home.

Ahdia: I will talk to him. I don’t think he will have any issues as far as aunty’s health is improving.

Me: I hope so. Anyways when are they coming?

Ahdia: Around 4..Doctor uncle is also coming today...

Me: same time?

Ahdia: Haha..You still are not out of your “College going lover” days.

Me: Arre..just asking baba

Ahdia: I know. I know.

Ahdia got a call and she went out to talk. I felt nervous. I was just hoping that the call has to do nothing with Anika’s visit. Ahdia came back and told me that she has to go and pick-up Anika as Aprajit was occupied in his office. I felt relieved for two reasons: Anika is coming and I don’t need to face Aprajit. It was really hard for me to look into his eyes. I was not sure what he thinks of me as in reality my feelings for Anika were something that might be unacceptable to him. He allowed us to meet on the insistence of doctors as he cared for Anika more than he cared for society or morals. I was feeling suffocated. More because of the environment. The hospital bed, nurses, smell of medicines, gloomy environment were making me nauseate. It always used to remind me of my days when my dad was admitted in the hospital and we lost him. I asked Ahdia to arrange my meet-up with Anika in the hospital garden. The idea struck me in the morning when Ahdia took me there for a stroll. She took me to the garden and told me to wait for our family Doctor as she left for Anika’s place to get her. I felt a pat on my shoulder. Doctor had arrived.

Me: Hey

Doctor: Hello. How are you now?

Me: Thank you so much.

Doctor: Thank you for?

Me: Don’t be so modest. you have helped me in achieving my dream.

Doctor: So no demands from now onwards?

Me: I never demanded. I planned to carry out everything at my own.

Doctor: Hahaha

Me: Has she made any progress?

Doctor: Too early to say but I really hope she does.

Me: Tell me one thing

Doctor: Yeah

Me: you did all this for me or for Anika?

Doctor: Frankly speaking I did it for my patient and for the loving daughter of Yours. She didn’t left any other option for me. But yeah your involvement made it easier for me as I felt more confident knowing your negotiation skills.

Me: Stop pulling my leg.

Doctor: No I am serious. you convinced Ahdia. you made her convince Aprajit. I am damn sure you will negotiate with Alzheimer’s also.

Me: I hope so.

Doctor: Don’t worry. She will be fine. But please take care of Yourself too. I had told you million times that stress and anxiety is not good for Your health.

Me: you don’t worry. Now I will be alright. I have my fountain of youth with me.

Doctor: I hope so. I am leaving now. Waiting eagerly for our drinking session.

Me: Cheers!!

Doctor (Smiling at the youth-like zeal of a 50 years old guy): Cheers!!

I looked at the time. It was almost 4.00 P.M. Anika would be arriving anytime sooner. I opened my laptop. I had written another poem for her. Somehow I stopped writing when she left me. The writer inside me died as she was the one who used to inspire me to write. I went through the poem again so as to prepare myself for a perfect recitation in front of Anika.

 

tum kaun ho, tum kya ho, tum kyun ho..

an-ginat sawal mere mann mein hiloriyan si marte hai..

aayi kyun tum, jaogi kyun..

tumhari aankhon se pooch ke unhe niharte hai...

 

ek baat janta hun main, kuch nahi par ye toh maanta hun main..

jabse aayi ho, dil mein chayi ho, yaad toh tumhari jaise meri parchayi ho..

geet gata hai mann, gun-gunata hai mann, mahak jata hai mann..

jaise varsha ritu, jaise chahakti koyal, jaise madmast purvayi ho...

 

do pal milne mein suroor aata hai jo..

lakh koshishe kar loon nahi jata hai woh..

yaad aati hai, khwab aate hai, neend bhi dhul si gayi hai..

unsuljhi suljhi si paheli hai ye, lekin zindagi meri khul si gayi hai..

 

I felt relieved after going through the lines. Each word was what I felt when I and Anika started dating. She changed my life upside-down. I had never-before felt such powerful impact. Everything changed for me. I felt responsible for all my actions. I became careful about miniscule things. She used to scold me. Support me. Teach me. Pamper me. She became mom and dad combined for me. My life would have taken entirely opposite direction after my parents demise. She was a god-sent angel. She came when I needed her the most. She nurtured me. She gave me a new life. A new meaning. And then she left when I started prospering. I heard the sound of somebody approaching toward me. It was Ahdia. I looked at her with wanting in my eyes as she was alone. She asked me to let her blind-fold me. I asked the reason but she told me to keep mum and do what she was asking me to do. She blindfolded me and took me to some other area. She removed my blindfold and asked me to slowly open my eyes. I did. There she was. Anika. She was wearing the same yellow-colored suit which she wore when we met in Barista. I looked at Ahdia with tears rolling down my eyes.

 

Ahdia: I was searching for clothes in Aunty’s wardrobe and I found this so thought of surprising You. Did you like the surprise?

I was too moved to utter anything. I just smiled and extended my hands to touch Anika. She was looking angelic. I moved my hand over her cheeks. I turned back to look for Ahdia. But she had left silently. I smiled at her innocence. I dragged my wheelchair closer to her.

Me: I wrote something for You. I had relived all the moments we shared together several times. From start to end. From our meetups to our temporary break-ups. From our kisses to our online shopping sprees. Everything. The poem I am going to recite depicts what I felt during our early days. I started reciting the poem with her right hand on my left hand. We always used to follow that arrangement while sleeping together. She on left and me on right. I always used to tell her that by doing so I keep you closer to my heart. I used to make effort to always be on the right side: be it movie theatre, be it restaurant or be it the bed. It might sound silly but alas that is what love is all about: finding sense in the most non-sensical things.

While reciting the poem, I felt Anika’s grip tightening over my hand. I was not sure though as it might be just my extremely hopeful heart doing what it does best: Day dreaming about Anika. I decided to shrug it off and let the time and Doctors decide as I didn’t want to risk things out of my excitement. I completed my poem and asked Anika how did she like it. Though my heart knew she liked it and that’s why her grip on my hands got firm. I had decided to take Anika through old memories. I thought it might help her recover soon as I believed she hears everything.

Me: Do you remember my GMAT goof-up?

Anika was just staring at blank. I felt sad but it didn't dent my spirits.

Me: I am sure you do but let me just take you through the most stupidest thing I had ever done. you can scold me again if you wish. Here it goes….

 

August, 2014:

My GMAT was scheduled the upcoming week. I always had this habit of being cranky during examinations. I slept late as I was preparing for exams and was in no mood to get up early. I received a call from Anika at around 11.00 A.M.

Anika: you are still sleeping?

Me: Yeah..I slept late na…

Anika: I don’t like this habit of Yours. Why can’t you maintain a proper schedule?

Me (irritatingly): I don’t time in weekdays due to office work. So I had to stretch during the weekends. I will follow everything you say when I am done with GMAT.

Anika: Did you called and checked with the GMAT centre about the things you need to carry?

Me: I went through the brochure twice. Everything is done and dusted.

Anika: I still am sure that Passport is mandatory.

Me (Irritatingly): Anika..why can’t you for once trust me? I am also serious for GMAT and will not do any screw-up this time.

Anika: Why can’t you just call and check?

Me: I have shared the screenshot from the website. It is not mandatory and any government issued ID will do.

Anika: Your call.

Me: I am in no mood to hear a lecture.

Anika: Ok if you think I am lecturing you please do whatever you wish to.

Me: Yaar..

Anika disconnected the phone. I slept again. She shrugged-off the incident as she didn’t want to disturb the harmony because of my examination. She knew that I am being careless but she thought of not bringing the issue for my sake.

The day of examination arrived. I was a tad nervous but was confident that I will get a good score. I had asked Anika to do a Video chat with me before I leave as I thought it to be a nice omen. She always instilled confidence in me. My heart knew that she is the one who cares for me the most and I get solace in her. We did Video-chat and I left for examination hall. She had a dentist appointment and thus it was not possible for us to connect in between. I reached the examination centre and messaged her that I am switching of my cell. I entered the centre. Put my stuff in the provided locker. Filled the form. And was waiting for my number to get the ID checked.

Receptionist: Raj

Me: Hey..Good Morning.

Receptionist: Very Good Morning to you raj. Can I have your form please?

Me: Sure

Receptionist: Thanks. Please be ready with Your Passport.

I was still very confident that any ID would do and she said Passport but meant ID. I adjusted my sleeves. Looked around the room as the lady at reception was checking the details in my form. Unaware of what lies ahead. I was finding extra pleasure in the proceeding as I was very sure that Anika was wrong and i was right.

Receptionist: Can i have Your Passport please?

When she asked for the second time, I sensed something fishy. My heart started pumping.

Me: I don’t have a passport. Here is my Aadhar card. And also my Driving Licence.

Receptionist: Passport is mandatory for Indian Students.

Me: I checked Your website. It has been mentioned that for Driving License is also valid.

Receptionist: Not in India. you can check the website for further details.

Me: I have already checked. Let me show You.

Receptionist: Sure but please move away from the line so that we can attend other applicants.

I moved aside and went outside to connect to internet. I was still somehow sure that the receptionist is ignorant and what I read was right. I opened the website on my mobile to check the declaration and smelled victory as the list that popped up stated that Driving Licence and Government issued ID would do. I pumped my fist virtually. I was about to rush back but something stopped me. There was a little star just at the end of line that said: “Acceptable proofs of identification*”. When I scrolled down to see what faults in the star I was going to witness, I was shell-shocked. It was list of countries where passport is mandatory for GMAT. And yeah India is one of them. I was surprised. Not sure what to do. I had been preparing since months and was very sure that i would get a good score. Anika had asked me numerous times to check about the passport thing. I ignored her. I ignored the sanity. I chose to be over-confident on my scrutinised reading of GMAT’s official website. I didn’t know how to face Anika. I had nothing to say. I had let her down. I felt helpless and angry at myself. I was more sad because I had let her down by screwing-up than missing the opportunity to appear for examination I had prepared for 4 months. I had already postponed the dates once. She already doubted my seriousness and by screwing up again I had given her more reasons to keep doing the same. I was involved in my thoughts and Anika called. I picked the call.

Anika: What happened? Your exam was scheduled at 12 and it’s 12.30.

Me: I was not allowed to appear.

Anika: What? Why?

Me: Passport is mandatory.

Anika: I had already told you but you were very sure about it.

Me: Anika..I read over the site. I didn’t check the T&C.

Anika: I don’t have anything to say. I am occupied right now..will talk later...

It took me a week and lot of pestering to make ends meet. I promised her that I would never do such mishaps in future. I applied for passport so that I can appear again. It all went well in the end and I was able to manage a good GMAT score.

 

Back to the Garden…

Me: I must say I used to trouble you a lot. Respect!!

She heard everything. She was unmoved throughout the story. I felt a little movement in her hands. I was sure now that she was responding to my talks. I felt as if she would just stand-up and scold me for all my immature behaviours. I so wanted her to do that. i wanted her to stand up and scold me. I wanted her to slap me for all the troubles she had undergone because of my immaturity. I wanted her to get angry and walk away. My heart begged for all these things. I just wanted her to move. I was ready to let her go if that would make her stand up on her feet. Whole my life I had wished for her to be with me. But at that moment I was wishing for only one thing. I was ready to sacrifice anything for seeing her recovery. I went near her and whispered in her ear:

“ I will not let life trouble you more. I will do anything to get you well. I will fight. I will fight till the last blood in my veins. I will fight till the last breath. I will do anything to get you back on your feets.”

Tears were rolling down my eyes. My head was on her lap. I had not cried like this for years. Not even when we separated. Not even when I lost my parents. I could have managed anything but not her misery. I couldn’t stand my source of life being lifeless. Ahdia saw me from far and came running towards me. She made me sit back normally in my chair while Aprajit took care of Anika’s wheelchair. Aprajit called Ahdia’s name. There was a hidden happiness in his tone.

Aprajit: Ahdia..see…

Ahdia: What happened?

Aprajit was pointing towards Anika’s face. Ahdia was standing in front of me so Anika was not visible to me. But I could make out that they both were happy. I pulled Ahdia’s hand as my throat was too choked to utter anything. Ahdia moved away. I tried to see what they saw. I concentrated and saw a tear rolling down from her eyes. I smiled. I felt happy. I felt relieved. The irony was Anika was crying and everyone was happy around her. The happiness was similar to what parents of newborns feel when they heard them crying for the first time. I never felt that but I was sure that the feeling would have been the same. Aprajit came near my wheelchair and kneeled down in front of me. He took my hands in his hands and thanked me. I smiled. I didn’t shy away from speaking in front of him this time. I told him that Anika is equally important for me too. I told him that she cared for him because he was her child but she cared equally for me though we were not related by any such bond. He listened silently. He smiled when I told him that he had exceeded her expectations and he was a very good son. He was also getting emotional. Ahdia patted his shoulder and tried to lighten up the mood. Aprajit told her that he and Anika are going back and he would call the doctor to tell about the development once he reached home. They left. Ahdia took me to the ward. Washed my face. Pulled my cheeks. Taunted me for being a crazy old man. And smiled at the destiny.    

Next three days passed like that. Aprajit was always on time while dropping Anika to the hospital. Ahdia was on her toes to make sure that I and Anika were not disturbed. I was recovering fastly. Anika had started responding mildly. She was still not able to move or use her hands but her facial expressions were working again. She was able to smile. She was able to say things through her eyes. She was reacting to my talks. Her reports also showed sign of improvement. Her Doctor was encouraged and he took the responsibility to convince Aprajit for continuing with my meetings with Anika. I was scared as it was obvious that it was not easy on Aprajit. It was unfair on my part to expect Aprajit to be comfortable with what was going on between me and Anika. He was a son on mission to get his mother’s life back on track. He was only concerned about Anika’s recovery. I wanted to salute his courage. I wanted to salute him for the bold step. But a fear was creeping in my mind. My mind was cluttered with various questions. Questions like: what if Aprajit get burdened by the societal norms? What if Anika recovers and Aprajit decide to shrug me off from Anika’s life? What if he loses his patience before Anika recovers and decide to separate me from her? My nervousness was growing with days. I was wishing that I never recover as I was of the view that all the problems will start if I move back to home.  

 

17/10/2037..Hospital ward…

Nurse: How are you sir?

Me: I am feeling better. Thank you for all Your care and help.

Nurse: you are welcome Sir. I hope you know that you are getting discharged today.

Me: What?

(I asked with a hint of despair and Nurse was surprised at this response of mine)

Nurse: Aren’t you happy?

Me (trying to fake happiness): Yeah Yeah.. I am.

Nurse: Good then I will just do some elementary check-ups and will let the Doctor know.

Me: Ok. Thanks!!

I smiled at her but I was nervous from inside. I heard some noise around the corner. Ahdia and Aprajit were coming toward my ward. They had become good friends. I felt relieved seeing Aprajit. I greeted him and asked about his well-being. I asked Ahdia to get some coffee for me. She left. She realised that I wanted to talk to Aprajit in seclusion.

Me: you didn’t go to office today?

Aprajit: I took a leave today Sir.

Me: Ok..just like that?

Aprajit: Actually I thought Ahdia might need help.

Me: Thanks for all Your help.

Aprajit: It’s Ok Sir. you are also doing so much for Mummy.

I smiled. My heart was laughing at the irony. I wanted to tell him that it’s the other way round. He was the one who was helping me. He was the one doing all the favours. He was the one who gave me back my life. I controlled myself. I controlled my emotion.

Me: It’s mutual Aprajit. Any improvements in her reports?

Aprajit: Yes. Doctor Uncle told me that based on the latest reports they have observed improved neural activities. And it is a very good sign.

Me: Thank God.

Aprajit: Today is a good day for us. Mummy’s reports are showing sign of recovery and you are getting discharged.

My heart smiled when he said “us”. It gave me pleasure. Aprajit was always part of discussions between me and Anika. We used to talk about his day-to-day activities. We used to talk about how much his characteristics resemble mine. And Anika always used to say that she would never want him to be impulsive and immature like me. We used to plan his future together. We used to do his homeworks also sometimes. During our relationship, he became a part of mine. When I was away from Anika, I used to ponder over Aprajit’s life. What he must be doing? What career he finally chose? Is he taking good care of Anika? And many other questions. The word “us” made me feel satisfied and happy.

Aprajit: What happened Sir?

Me: Nothing just went into old days.

Aprajit: you can share with me. Though Ahdia has told me many things but I will definitely like to hear from You.

Me: Hmmm

I was not sure what Ahdia told him. I was not sure why he wanted me to tell him things. I was not sure what things he was talking about. I felt a bit uncomfortable. He realised that. He took my permission and went outside the room.I decided to ask Ahdia over Watsapp about what she had told Aprajit.

 

Watsapp conversation:

Me: Where are You?

Ahdia: I am at the reception. It will take another 15 minutes or so.

Me: Ok.

Ahdia: What happened?

Me: What have you told Aprajit?

Ahdia: As in?

Me: He told me that you have told him many things about me but he would like to hear from me.

Ahdia: Don’t worry. I have not told him anything about Your love story.

Me: Then?

Ahdia: I have told him about your career and your journey.

Me: Ok.

Ahdia: For you the only thing that matters is Anika Aunty..right?

Me: Yeah.

Ahdia: Everything else is futile?

Me: Yeah. So?

Ahdia: So, Mr. Papa, the thing is that from other people’s point of view you are a very successful and they are interested in your life.

Me: So?

Ahdia: Aprajit was interested in knowing about Your journey and he aspires to be successful like You.

Me: Ok. I thought….

Ahdia: Ya Ya..I know :)

Me: :)

Ahdia: I will catch you in next 10 mins

Me: OK

I was discharged. We reached home and Aprajit made sure that the transition was comfortable. He has became a part of our life. In last few days, he was playing the role of son I never had. I was feeling good to be back where I have spent close to two decades of my life with a single aim of getting Anika back. I was feeling a sense of contentment. I was happy about the fact that she is back in my life. Our relationship was always based on hopes and qualms. And I was yet again hopeful about my dreams conquering the harsh realities. I had recovered but was still weak and was advised complete bed rest for 2 weeks. I asked Ahdia to bring me my briefcase. Ahdia knew about its existence but she had no idea what it contained. She asked me many a times but I always used to tell her that I will tell her when the right time comes. She brought the briefcase and was about to leave her.

Me: Listen..

Ahdia: Yes Dad.

Me: Let me show you what this briefcase contains.

Ahdia: Wow. Like really?

Me: Yes sweetheart.

I asked her to sit beside and I opened the briefcase. It contained God-knows-what kind of stuffs. From a broken mug handle to Anika’s hairband. From a chewing-gum wrapper to random movie tickets. From one piece of earring set to random scribbles on tissue papers. All those weird looking things had a story attached to them. They all were part of my journey with Anika. They were the symbolistic representations of the building blocks of the castle that my and Anika’s life together was. Ahdia knew most of my stories so it was easy for her to associate with every memory I had stored in that briefcase. Having these sessions of story-telling with her were a medium for me to refresh my memories and to re-live the best days of my life. I took her through everything and told her the stories associated with all my collectibles. It was late and I went to sleep. I was satisfied and content. I was eager and anxious at the same time. Ahdia was supposed to visit me at my home the next day. I slept thinking about the time when she used to visit my place though sporadically.

 

Flashback…

I used to live very close to office where I and Anika worked and thus it was very difficult for us to meet: be at my house or public places. Anika was always skeptical about being seen. She was scared what will people think. She was very reserved in nature and was very particular about her conduct in office. She was very choosy and selective about her circle. For her, her image was the most important thing. She was not a party-person at all. She was extremely opposite to me as far as societal perceptions are concerned. We used to argue a lot over her concern. It took me ages to convince her to come to my house. It was not that she didn’t want to but her fear used to triumph her need. On the other hand, I was hell bent on my demand to make her visit my place. I used to fight and emotionally blackmail her a lot. I didn’t want to create ruckus but I was not able to convince my heart that why it is tough for her to keep everything at bay and come to meet me whenever I want her to. I used to act selfish a lot. It was not that I didn’t value what she was doing for me. I very well knew that she always used to go that extra mile for making me content. She used to go out of her comfort zone to satiate my desires. But I used to behave like that spoilt kid who wanted everything he asks for no matter what. One day we were in the middle of same type of conversation where I was being an arse and she was trying to tell me why she avoids visiting me and the inevitable happened….

Me: That’s not fair. I am saying that no one from office lives here and thus chances are very less that somebody will see us.      

Anika: Raj..try to understand my point…

Me: Why can’t you understand my point?

Anika: It’s not easy Raj. you know how I am. How image conscious I am.

Me: I know but I am telling you na there is no risk.

Anika: What if somebody sees me?

Me: you need not to cater people’s questions. It’s your life.

Anika: Yeah but what if someone asks me?

Me: you can just say that one of your friends live there.

Anika: It doesn’t work like that. Why can’t you understand my situation? Why I always have to tell you the same things over and over again?

Me: Whatever!!

Anika: Raj..

Me: Do whatever you wish to do. Bye.

Anika: Bye.

This happened in the evening and for the next few hours I didn’t talk to her. I didn’t bother to check her whereabouts. I didn’t try to make things fine. She also didn’t call or pinged. I realised I did wrong but I decided to play along. It was not out of ego. I was hopeful that my trick might work and she might visit me the next day. She messaged me “Goodnight” at around 11.00 P.M. I just replied “hmmm”. She didn’t say a word. I waited for her to reply but she didn’t reply. I was feeling bad. I once again spoiled her mood for no reason. I tried to sleep. But I was not able to. I tried to switch-off myself from her thoughts. But I was not able to. I decided to drop her a note. I used to do that a lot.

“I am sorry baby. I know I was wrong. It’s not that I don’t understand your point. I know you are scared. I know you have taken a big risk. Believe me I appreciate everything you do for me. I know you try hard and care for my happiness. I vent off my frustration on u. In place of appreciating d little and big gestures of yours, I blame u. Instead of accepting my mistakes, I fight and divert. No one does whatever you did for me. All the relationships in this world are based on mutual benefits and calculations. But it’s not the case here. you have got only minuses. you have been exposed only to setbacks and promise breakings. It’s very natural for you to be sad and irritated. If it were someone else, I would have been left alone by now. But you sticked. you still hope that i will make things better. you have been doing that since start of our relationship. But you only got howlers from my side. And failures. Even parents leave their hopes after so many setbacks but you still have that ray of hope. I AM REALLY SORRY. I just get mad when my heart wants You. I get crazy. you may call me selfish but what are my options. I know I blame you for things that you have not done. I am sorry again. I will try to avoid being such an arse from now onwards. Sleepwell. Good night. :*”

I felt lighter and went off to sleep. I decided to take off from office and had already dropped a mailer. I was in deep sleep and it was broken by constant ringing of cell. I picked the phone and it was Anika on the other side.

Anika: I have been calling since eternity..what are you upto...

Me: I slept late. Sorry.

Anika: Office?

Me: Working from home today

Anika: OK. So you are still hopeful that I will fall prey to Your demands and come to meet You.

Me: No. I don’t have much work today in office and also I slept late.

Anika: you sleep late on daily basis. What’s new?

Me: Yeah..I told you na..not much work today…

Anika: Hmm

Me: What you are upto?

Anika: Just reached the metro station.

Me: Metro? Driver didn’t come?

Anika: I asked him not to..

Me: Why?

Anika: Because I have also taken a day-off.

Me: Okay but why?

Anika: Stop acting smart with me. I can still go to office.

Me: Aah..so where were you planning to go otherwise?

Anika: Shut up

I laughed hard. I was happy. I was feeling a bit of guilt though.

Me: I told you it’s Ok. I can wait more.

Anika: Yes and by waiting you mean spoiling my mood, not taking calls and replying rudely. Right?

Me: I am sorry na. And I love You.

Anika: Go to hell

Me: Muaaah!!

Anika: I will reach Metro station in about 1.5 Hours. Are you coming to pick me?

Me: Yes. Let me get ready. Please drop me a message as soon as you cross Qutub Minar Metro Station.

Anika: Okay.

Me: See you.

Anika: Soon.

I was very happy and excited. I had very little time to plan for her first visit. But thanks to my maid, the house was clean and fridge was full. I shaved. Took shower. Sprinkled room freshener. Made my bed. Ordered tea and eatables. I was nervous now as it was a big moment for me. I have been chasing her for long for this visit and now she will be here in next half an hour. Finally she called and told me that she will reach in 20-25 minutes. I checked everything again. The room was smelling nice. I was looking clean and suave. My heart was pumping fast. Thus, things were in place and normal. I reached metro station and was waiting for her. It used to be the toughest time. The wait used to kill me. I was, anyways, very impatient in nature and Anika’s involvement just used to make things more painful.

There she was. Looking beautiful like always. She didn’t realise that I can see her. She was standing in crowd and her eyes were searching me. I didn’t feel like telling her. The search in her eyes was making me cherish my existence. I didn’t want to miss that. She started dialing my number. I decided to tease her a bit. I didn’t pick. I can sense the change in her facial expressions. There was a mix of fear, of being seen, and anger on how careless I am. I went close to her and tapped from behind. She turned back and looked at me with anger. I knew it was fake. I knew she was just scared. I said sorry. She looked at me and started walking toward the parking lot. I followed her. We hopped into the car and drove toward my house. I parked the car and we rushed toward the gate.

I asked her to wait for two minutes outside the room. I rushed toward my laptop so as to play her favorite romantic number. I switched on all the lights. I asked her to come inside. The whole environment took her by surprise. The air was sprinkled with aroma of sandalwood. The background music consisted of her favorite numbers. The lighting was acting as icing on the cake. She was astounded. I can see the happiness in her face. I bent down on my knees and welcomed her. She held my hand and smiled. I grabbed her shoulder and pushed her towards the wall. She was astonished. She wanted to say something but I put my hands on her mouth and didn’t let her speak. I looked into her eyes. Her nervousness was apparent. She looked back into my eyes. Our hearts were beating fast. She tried to push me away. But I tightly grabbed her hand. Her heart was pumping fast. I removed my hand from her mouth. She didn’t say anything. She was unmoved. She was just looking back into my eyes. Our breaths have synced. Our souls have touched. She felt uncomfortable. She again tried to release herself from me. I pushed her back gently. I grabbed her waist and went closer to her slowly. I can feel her breaths over my lips. There was a strand of hair over her eyes. I blowed air to remove it from line of my sight. She felt nice. I again blowed some air. She closed her eyes. I let my hand do the rest and pinned the hair strand behind her ear. I rolled my fingers across her face. I touched her lips. I closed her eyes slowly. I went more closer. My lips were near her lips. Our lips were quenched. Our souls were thirsty. I placed my lips over her lips. We started kissing slowly. My hands were exploring her marvellous curves. Her hands were playing with my hair. We moved towards my bed. We didn’t let our passion die. We were getting more hungry with every passing stroke of our lips. With every movement of our hands. With every gulping of our saliva. In flash of seconds, we were on the bed. Kissing passionately. Eating out each other as if world is gonna end in few minutes. I took out my shirt and came over her. I was kissing all over her face. Her fingers were leaving scratches on my back. I nibbled her ear. She bitten my neck. I went down on her body. I was licking her neck and was ready to go to the next base. But life was not so gentle. My doorbell rang. The food order I placed has arrived. I punched the pillow. Anika was laughing like crazy. She always used to make fun of me in such situations. I showed fake anger. She told me to go and fetch the order.

Anika: Go baba..he will break the door otherwise…

Me: Let him do what he want..I am not leaving like this..

Anika: We have all the day..hold your horses..  

Me: Ok..going..You know what..

Anika: What..

Me: you are cruel..huh…

Anika: I know

She winked. I got up and rushed to the door.

Anika: Idiot..wear your shirt…

Me: Oh..sorry…

She was laughing like crazy. I collected the order and came back. She held my hand and pushed me towards her. I went closer and kissed her on forehead.

Me: Let it be now. you were hungry. Let’s eat first.

Anika: Sure?

Me: Yeah..we have the whole day. And as I always say I get satisfied by seeing you only. I don’t anything else.

Anika: yeah..yeah..

We spent the whole day together. It was our life to make best of the little time we had to be together with each other. I slept with the thought. I was woken up by Ahdia around 8.00 A.M. She told me that Aprajit has booked some resort in Manesar for day out today as it was his birthday and he wanted to celebrate it with us. I was excited and didn’t even bother checking about the doctor’s advice of complete rest. Ahdia told me that our family doctor is also coming and he has told that such outing will only help me in recovering fast. Ahdia asked me to get ready as we were supposed to leave in an hour or so. Aprajit came to pick us. Ahdia sat next to Aprajit in the front seat. I was sitting next to Anika and Doctor.

Me: Happy Birthday Aprajit. May God bless You.

Aprajit: Thank you Sir.

Me: Sir sounds so formal.

Aprajit: Hehe..sorry Uncle.

Me: It’s Ok. Actually even in my office I used to ask people to avoid calling me Sir. I used to feel as if I am a teacher or something like that.

Doctor: I think it has to do more with your constant yearning for being young.

Me: you know Doc..I am young at heart…

Ahdia: Yeah right.

Me: Stop being sarcastic Anika. I mean Ahdia.

There was an awkward silence in the car. I was feeling bad at my fumble. I looked at Anika. I wondered what she would have done if she were well. She would definitely have nudged me with her elbow or would have hit my leg with her heel. But there she was. Lying unmoved. Looking into the vacuum. Doctor tried to change the course of events and cracked some jokes. We all were talking and laughing. In between I was trying to read Anika’s mind through her sporadic hand and eye movements. We reached the resort and checked-in into our respective rooms. We decided to meet in next one hour. I was feeling very helpless. The whole journey from Delhi to Manesar flashed in front of my eyes. Everybody was involved. Talking. Laughing. Sharing. Moving on with their life. But Anika was not. She was just sitting there. Without saying what she wants. Without reacting to anything that happened. I felt perturbed over the change of course. She used to be very sensitive. Over-reactive at times. She was very vocal about things. Her approach towards life was black and white. Clear about rights and wrongs. I felt like crying. Crying my heart out. Crying my heart out to her. Crying my heart out to her and letting her know that she can’t do this to me. She has to get back to normal. She has to get back to how she was. Bubbly at times but only with people she felt comfortable with. Particular about her choices and demand. Ill-tempered but with a heart of gold. I decided to talk to Doctor and Aprajit about the possibilities of getting consultation from abroad if we don’t have facilities in India. I held myself as I knew I need to be strong if I wish to see Anika normal.  

We all met, as decided, for lunch. It was hard to find a common topic. I was thinking about Anika. And I was sure Aprajit was doing the same. But still the irony was we can’t talk about our feelings. Ahdia tried to strike some conversations.

Ahdia: So Dad..You have told me many a times that you used to be the heart of every party you used to attend.

Me: Yeah..it is true…

Ahdia: Then why are you boring the hell out of us?

Me: What you want me to do..dance?

Aprajit: That’s a good idea.

Doctor: Yeah..go ahead..

Me: I have been advised that I should not be indulged in physical activities. Right Doc?

Doctor: Hmm..You have been saved…

Everybody burst into laughter.

Aprajit: Okay Uncle..tell us the something about Mom?

I was taken aback. I never expected such question from Aprajit. I was shell shocked to say the least. I held my thoughts pondering over what should I say. I could have written a novel on her but I knew I had to be very cautious while talking about Anika with Aprajit.

Me: you must be knowing everything about her. But still let me try.

Aprajit: Yeah

Me: She was considered to be very strict.

Aprajit: Haha..that I know…

Me: I didn’t get much chance to interact with her as our departments were different but I also used to be scared of her in a way. Especially when she used to catch me smoking with my friends outside the office’s staircase.

Ahdia: Really?

Me: Yeah. I used to try to hide my cigarette and smile as if I was just standing there.

Doctor: Strange. I can't believe that you can be scared of anyone.

Me: Anika has that aura around her that everybody in the office used to get cautious.

We kept talking like that for hours. About Anika. About Aprajit's future plans. About Doctor's fear of his wife. About Ahdia's dream of starting an NGO. I looked at Anika. She was looking tired. I asked Ahdia to take Anika to her room. Aprajit too volunteered leaving me and Doctor alone. I wanted to talk to the Doctor about my plan to take Anika to abroad for better therapy. I was not sure on how to ask Aprajit about the same. I was not sure how Ahdia will react. I wanted the Doctor to help me with this. I wanted him to suggest me a way out.  

Doctor: So what's the plan now?

Me: I so wanted you to ask that question.

Doctor: Oh really..tell me then...

Me: I was doing a bit of research and came across one doctor in New York who is renowned for his treatment for Alzheimer.

Doctor: Dr. Walter?

Me: Yeah. Have you heard about him?

Doctor: Yes. He has a very good success rate for treating such patients.

Me: Luckily through some contact in New York I was able to get hold off him.

Doctor: That's awesome. Because it is almost impossible to schedule an appointment with him.

Me: Yeah.. I read that...

Doctor: So..what's now?

Me: I had a chat with Dr. Walter's secretary and she told me that she would be able to arrange our appointment sometime in December.

Doctor: That's great. We should definitely give it a shot.

Me: Yeah but the issue is how to talk to Aprajit about this.

Doctor: Hmm..let me talk to him...

Me: Perfect..I owe you one for this...

Doctor: Just one?

We burst into laughing. I felt relieved as there was a ray of hope for all of us. I had a selfish motive behind this apart from the one related to Anika's wellness. I always used to tell Anika that I want to propose her in Brooklyn Bridge on a snowy day. Since I saw the move New Year Eve, I was enchanted by the beauty of Brooklyn Bridge. I haven't told this to anyone apart from Anika. Not even Ahdia knew about this wish. The day went by and we left from resort to Delhi. It was a fun outing and helped us in knowing each other better. Especially I and Aprajit. We have never talked before in such length. I always felt connected to him as he used to be part of numerous conversations between me and Anika. He was an easy going guy and very smooth in conversing. We hit it off well. Anika would have felt good about our chemistry. Doctor has told me that he will talk to Aprajit about the US thing during Anika's next check-up visit as he didn't want to give any clue to Aprajit that I was the one behind all this. I also planned to tell Ahdia about it once we reach home. It was as if things were falling in places. As if it was kind of some poetic justice. I had read that Dr. Walter's treatment takes approx. 30 days. His secretary told me that the next possible date for appointment was somewhere in November. The calculations fit perfectly. I murmured:

“We will be together in New York on New year's eve if things went as per the plan.”

Ahdia: Did you say something Dad?

Me: No..I was just calculating something in my head..sorry...

Doctor: Oh My God..your brain still works?

Ahdia: Actually it's working better than ever.

Me: Shut up!!

Aprajit dropped us home. I was physically tired but my mind was constantly thinking about the New york thing. Ahdia sensed that something is bothering me. She asked the reason but I just shrugged her off saying that I am just tired. I went to sleep with the hope that Aprajit will be fine with my plan as it was the only chance to get Anika out of her trouble.

 

Morning..22/11/2037...

I called Doctor to check about his availability for my health check-up. Though both of us knew that the real motive is to check about his conversation with Aprajit.

Doctor: I was wondering why haven’t you called me yet.

Me: I just called to check Your availability.

Doctor: Strange..for the first time in my life I have got a call from you to check my availability…

Me: Haha..anyways..now that you know the reason..tell me…

Doctor: I had a chat with Aprajit Yesterday night and his response was overwhelming.

Me: Good..Did you tell him that I want to go with Anika?

Doctor: No..I was not able to find a way to start that convo…

Me: Oh..I think I have to talk directly with him…

Doctor: Yeah..that would be better…

Me: Yeah..see you when I see You…

Doctor: See You.

I called Ahdia to tell her about this. She told me that Aprajit has mentioned this to her but she was not aware that it was my idea. I told her everything and at first she was angry as she was my soul confidante in all my ideas and plans. We discussed everything in length but were not able to find a way to put this in front of Aprajit. I decided to give it a shot and don’t think much about pros and cons. I thought of calling Aprajit but then decided to have a face-to-face conversation with him. I messaged him to visit me tonight if possible and he replied in positive.

 

Evening..22/11/2037…

Aprajit reached our home at around 8.00 PM. Ahdia was not at home as she has some work to finish in office. Though I knew she was not present intentionally as she thought it was better for me to have a one-on-one rendezvous with Aprajit.

Aprajit: Ahdia is not at home?

Me: No..she has some meeting or something..

Aprajit: Oh..Ok..How is Your health now?

Me: Fit and fine as ever. What about You? How’s Your new project shaping up?

Aprajit: Same old story..discontent team members..ever demanding clients..

Me: I can so connect with that. That’s the story of every service based organizations.

Aprajit: Yeah. My senior management is asking me to go to onsite for one month in December. But..

Me: But what?

Aprajit: you know my situation. It’s almost impossible for me to go to another city let alone another country. No one is there to take care of Mom.

Me: Yeah..but if it’s a short term thing Ahdia can take care of Anika…

Aprajit: Yeah..Also Doctor uncle told me about this clinic in New York where..

I interrupted him in between.

Me: Yeah..I discussed that with him…

Aprajit: Oh..Ok…

Me: And that’s why I called You..I wanted to discuss with you about that only…

Aprajit: Ok..

Me: I was successful in fixing an appointment in December with Dr. Walter for Anika.

Aprajit: Wow. I have heard that it is next to impossible.

Me: I have some contact in New York and luckily it worked.

Aprajit: Thank you very much Uncle.

Me: Nothing like that. She is as important to me as she is to You.

Aprajit’s facial expressions changed. I turned my back towards him as I was not able to look into his eyes. But I have decided to tell him everything.

Me: Aprajit I wanted to share few things with You. I don’t know how will you take it but it’s high time that I tell you all this.

Aprajit: Please Uncle feel free to say whatever you want to.

Me: I am in love with Anika. We were in a relationship long back. I know it would be difficult for you to take all this.

Aprajit came closer to me and put his hand on my shoulders.

Aprajit: I know everything Uncle.

I was shocked. I was not expecting this. I was not sure if it had made things difficult or had taken a big weight off my shoulders.

Me: How? Did Anika tell You? Did Ahdia tell You? Who told You?

Aprajit: No one. I saw Your pictures in Mom’s old laptop. I have seen all the notes that you have written for her. I have seen all the pictures that you two have clicked together.

Tears were rolling down my eyes. I was feeling weak in my knees. Anika had told me long back that she has deleted all the pictures. She has erased all the memories. But she hasn’t. She has suffered as much as I have suffered. May be even more. All this thinking made me restless. I was feeling short of breath. Aprajit realised that. He offered me water.

Aprajit: Uncle please calm down. I don’t know what is wrong and what is right. I just know one thing that you are the only person who cares about Mom more than I do. I know one thing that if anyone can relieve her of all the pains and troubles, it’s You.

Me: Thanks Aprajit for understanding me. Understanding us. I know it can’t be easy for You.

Aprajit: It’s OK Uncle. Please calm down.

Me: I am sorry Aprajit.

We both were teary. We both were feeling the pain of each other. I hugged him and told him that he has been a good son. Things were better now. I felt relieved. I felt morally more correct as I was not hiding anything from Aprajit.

Aprajit: So what’s the plan?

Me: We need to reach New York by first week of December 

Aprajit: Let me arrange for tickets then.

Me: Yeah but before that I need you to promise me one thing.

Aprajit: Please tell.

Me: Call Your manager and tell him that you are fine with the on-site opportunity in Germany.

Aprajit: But..

Me: No reasoning. Believe me that’s what Anika would have asked you to do if she could have been.

Aprajit: OK. I will take Your leave then. See You.

Me: See You.

I was very happy. I called Ahdia and told her everything. I called Doctor and told him about the discussion. I again called Dr. Walter’s office and confirmed the appointment. Everything has fallen in place. Our life has finally taken a turn as per my wish. For the first time in my life, my journey with Anika reached a destination that I wished for. I knew it was just a start but I knew it was the wishful one. I went back to my room. Opened my drawer. Took out all the belongings I had related to Anika. Each one of them has a story attached to it. I smiled. My eyes were wet. My hands were shivering. My heart was pounding. I was happy. I was content. I was one step closer to my dream. The dream that I saw around 2 decades ago. The dream that kept me alive. The dream that was my companion during times when I was alone. I was a better man now. I was empty but was better. I have achieved what Anika wished for me. I have made true all the promises that I made to her. She was with me in person for a very short duration but as they say “Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart”. She has left permanent foot-prints on canvas of my life. She changed me. She did that for all the right reasons. She left but she made sure that I will become a better man. The scene from Jack Nicholson starrer ‘As good as it gets’ pretty summarises what she was to me:

 

Melvin Udall: I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.

Carol Connelly: I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.

Melvin Udall: Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearly, a mistake. I've got this, what - ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I *hate* pills, very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here, about pills. Hate. My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... all right, well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.

Carol Connelly: I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.

Melvin Udall: you make me want to be a better man.

Carol Connelly: That's maybe the best compliment of my life.

Melvin Udall: Well, maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.

 

 

Aprajit made all the arrangements. Our flights were booked. We were destined to reach New York by 7th December. Ahdia made arrangements for our stay. Dr. Walter’s clinic was in Forest Hills, a neighborhood in the New York City borough of Queens. It was a picturesque location and have been used in many movies. Ahdia booked a single family house for us overlooking lake for one month in the area. She helped Aprajit with Anika’s packing and also made sure that we have a comfortable journey and stay there.

 

06/12/2037..Delhi Airport…

We were all set to fly. We reached Airport 3 hours ago and were sitting in coffee shop. Aprajit was looking a bit tensed. It was obvious as for the first time he was leaving Anika alone. Ahdia was also looking nervous as she wanted to come with us but I forced her for staying here. I wanted to spend some alone time with Anika. I was confident that I will be able to turn things around and my caring and pampering will heal Anika. I had that believe. I had believe in power of love. I had believe that through Dr. Walter’s medication and my love, Anika will get all fine. I was being selfish, may be. But it was all for Anika’s well being. I very well knew about the risk associated. What if: Anika, after getting well, decides to stay away. What if: Anika, after getting well, wants to again choose societal norms over our love. What if: Anika, after getting well, fails to even recognise me as the chances were she might not get all her memory back. There were many what ifs but I was trying not to think far ahead. I just wanted to live in the moment. I just wanted to spend and savour those 20-25 days with her in New York. I just wanted to propose her in the Brooklyn Bridge on the New Year’s eve. My longings for her were always like that. I always just wanted to do things without thinking about the output much. Finally we proceeded for check-in. There was help available for Anika’s wheelchair but I decided to do it by myself. I was in no mood to stay away from her even for a minute now. We did all the formalities and were waiting for boarding the flight. A little girl was sitting beside me and she was staring at Anika with innocent curiosity.

Me: What happened beta?

Little girl: Nothing. Is Aunty ill?

Me: Yes. She is a bit ill.

Little girl: Are you taking her to Doctor? Doctor are bad. They give medicines. And injections.

Yes: But they do so for Your good na.

Little girl: But they lie. They say the medicine is sweet. They say that injection will not give pain.

I laughed.

Little girl (looking towards Anika): Aunty, Don’t talk to uncle if he is forcing you to go to Doctor. you can just pray to God and he will heal You. Doctors are bad.

Me: I am not forcing Your aunty Beta. I love her very much. It’s for her good only. The Doctor will make her walk again. Speak again. Laugh again. Cry again.

 

The little girl sensed my pain. She realised that I was about to cry. She kept her hand over my shoulder gesturing that everything will be alright and then left.

 

We reached New York next day and were escorted to our base. I called Dr. Walter’s office and informed them that we will be visiting tomorrow. I informed Aprajit and Ahdia about our arrival to New York and also rechecked again with Aprajit about Anika’s medication and meal schedules.

 

The Night that I always wished for???

 

I was always wishful for spending alone time with Anika. The life was tough and there were very few instances when we were together like this. I always wished for those nights when there is no one to disturb us. When I can just calmly look at her face. When I can hold her till we fell asleep and woke up looking at her aesthetical face. This was one of those nights but not in the way I wished for. There is no disturbance but she can’t talk. I can look at her but she can’t shy away. I can hold her but she can’t respond. She is still beautiful but she can’t express. I hugged her. I whispered in her ear that she will be fine soon.

 

I changed her clothes. Gave her medicines. Made her lie on the bed. It was a bit cold and I made sure that she doesn’t feel cold. I sat near her head and caressed her forehead. I planted few kisses on cheeks. Doctor has advised to give her sleeping pills but I decided against it. I wanted her to take her sweet time to fall asleep. Around 1 hour passed like that but she was still staring in the blank. I went closer and lied down beside her. I hugged her the way she always used to like. I put her head over my right shoulder. I put my left leg gently over her legs. I gave a peck on her forehead. I start caressing her back gently; kissing her forehead in between. She jerked a bit. Or that what I thought. She always used to jerk in sleep. She jerked again. I was sure now that she is jerking. She fell asleep. Without sleeping pills. I wanted to tell that to Aprajit. To Ahdia. To Doctor. But what will I say? I decided not to. I was happy that the power of love is working. I was hopeful now that Anika will recover in next few days. She will be alright. I fell asleep too. I was content. Because she was in my arms. Because we were together. Because there was a good chance that she will recover. Because LOVE.  

 

Next morning..the day her medication was to start…

 

I woke up by the sound of ringing bell. The housekeeper, Shazia, was there. She was a young lady in late 20’s of Pakistan nationality. Ahdia hired her after lot of screenings as we needed someone who can take care of house and Anika both. She was a part-time nurse and part-time housekeeper. I explained her what needed to be done. I went back to check on Anika. She was still sleeping. We were supposed to leave in 2 hours. I called Aprajit to tell him about the status quo. He was pleasantly surprised to know that Anika was still sleeping. He told me that normally she used to sleep for 4-5 hours at max. Shazia interrupted our talk and told me that Anika is up. I disconnected the call and rushed to see her. She was up; staring at the ceiling. I sat down beside her and caressed her forehead. Planted a kiss on her cheeks. Sat there for around 10 minutes. Holding her hand. Looking at her face. I called Shazia to get Anika ready and went to the kitchen to prepare Anika’s meal. While doing that I got a message from Aprajit..

 

Aprajit: Thanks Uncle.

Me: For?

Aprajit: you also Know

Me: I have told you na I have selfish motives behind all this. Also, I care about her as much you do.

Aprajit: I was really sceptical about all this…

Me: I know but thanks for understanding me

Me: We need to rush. I will call you once we are done with our visit. Bye.

Aprajit: Bye :)

Me: :)

 

We left for Dr. Walter’s office after confirming with reception. We reached on time and were asked to wait inside Dr. Walter’s cabin. It was very different from a usual doctor’s cabin. Made of teakwood. With very casual wallpapers around the room. There were books. Music CDs. Magazines. It was more like a adult version of playschool.There was something very positive about the ambience. I was exploring the room but was interrupted by sound of coughing. Dr. Walter was there. He was old but fit. He must be in his 70’s but was not looking like one. What surprised me more was his attire. He was donning bermuda and polo shirts. He realised that I was baffled by his look. He laughed and started the conversation…

 

Dr. Walter: I get that look a lot.

Me: Yeah but I am sure it has some strong thinking behind..

Dr. Walter: Actually yes..see..what I do is not pure science..it’s about holistic approach of healing..medications can just help but you know what the trigger is flow of positive energy…

Me: I read that in one of your blog..

Dr. Walter: Healing starts once the patient starts wanting to heal

Me: Right. Your firm believe in Ying and Yang totally made sense to me.

Dr. Walter: Ying and Yang are my way of putting things. Most of the mythologies. Philosophies. Say the same thing. I read a lot. I travelled across globe. Talked to various preachers. Saints. And it took me a decade to decide on this approach.

Me: And luckily it’s working. I believe Anika would also get benefitted.

Dr. Walter: Belief. Hope.Trust. These are the things that separate Humans from other forms of life.

Me: Yeah…

 

I went silent. Engrossed in my thoughts. Dr. Walter’s words gave me more hope.

Dr. Walter: Mr. Nigam, you seem to be very much like me life’s philosophy per se.

Me: Yes Doc..though our reasons are different..You decided based on research..I chose based on it being the only option..

Dr. Walter: I reckon you have some very interesting stories to tell. I would prefer you to let me know all those before we start Anika’s procedure.

Me: Sure.

Dr. Walter (pointing toward Anika): It’s quite obvious now that they all are related to the beautiful lady sitting over there.

Me: Indeed!!

 

Then I told Dr. Walter everything about us. How we met. How we separated. How we met again. He listened to me interestingly and saved his questions for later. He had his doubts and I clarified all. He was intrigued. Inquisitive. Inspired. Impressed. Baffled. All at same time. There was a silence for a moment. He put his hand over my shoulder and then approached Anika.

 

Dr. Walter: Let’s begin the journey. I want her to get well more than any of my patients. you are doing what I always believed in.  

 

Dr. Walter asked one of his staff to help me with the formalities. I was made aware of the treatment schedules, related pros and cons and things that needed to be taken care-off while Anika is at home. We went back to our place and I onboarded Shazia based on the discussion at Dr. Walter’s clinic. It was a busy day but the positivity at Dr. Walter’s clinic has given my hopes new wings. I have already read a lot about his achievements over the internet but listening to those stories from the protagonist himself was a different experience altogether. Anika’s treatment was starting the next day. The basic philosophy was that the best way to help an Alzheimer’s patient better enjoy life is to reach past the mind and touch the heart. It works by adding music, art, pets, and a variety of other non-medical therapies to more traditional Alzheimer's treatments. The schedule for next 3 weeks was divided into sessions involving music, pet therapy, art therapy, religious activities, aromatherapy, storytelling, etc. Dr. Walter has asked me to list down activities that Anika used to like. I thought of checking that with Aprajit too.

 

I went down the memory lane. She hardly had time to pursue her hobbies and interests. She was too busy with her office work and household chores. But whenever she had time she used to listen to radio stations. She also used to like reading romantic novels. Especially Indian fictions. She was not much of an art lover but she used to enjoy bollywood gossips. And puzzles. She was always afraid of pets but I knew she liked cute little puppies. I remember when I told her that I am getting a fish tank she was initially against it. Not because she didn’t like pets but because she was skeptical about their care given my careless nature. She was very religious and always believed in power of god. I gifted her Geeta and she made sure to finish it up amid her busy schedules. She was a firm believer of life after death, re-birth and NDE and used to love reading about such kind of stuffs. I made a list of things that interested her. I also called and checked with Aprajit. He told me that she used to listen to spiritual mantras during last few days of normalcy. He added that she even asked him to get a pet: a wish that Aprajit had since he was a child but Anika always was against it. I decided to get a cute puppy for her. I left for market after giving Anika her medication and asking Shazia to change her clothes and feed her. I bought a chihuahua puppy. I also bought two lover birds and decided to set them free once Anika recovers. I went to a music CD shop and looked for bollywood music. Luckily I got collection of songs that Anika would have liked. I bought few books related to fields that would have interested Anika. Dr. Walter has also asked me to switch Anika’s meal and try feeding her things that she used to like. He warned me that effort may prove futile but it was worth trying. She used to ask me many times to try my hands at cooking. She wanted me to cook instead of ordering from outside whenever maid was on leave. She even taught me how to cook staple meals. I never followed her as I was too lazy for that. But I decided to give it a try. I called Shazia and asked her to help me with list of items required to cook things like Kheer, Daliya, Khichdi: stuffs that Anika can have without much effort. She was on liquid diet for long and thus I thought that the change in diet should not be radical. I reached home and was told by Shazia that Anika has slept. I was happily surprised. I don’t know what was it but something was helping her recover fast. It was a small step for her but a giant leap in direction of recovery. I informed Ahdia, Aprajit and my doctor friend about the last two days. Doctor was astonished but like always he encouraged me to keep doing whatever I was doing. I too had my dinner and went to sleep. I have asked Shazia to arrange for a bed near Anika’s bed. I didn't want to leave her alone. Even for minutes. I kept looking at her for a while and like always didn’t remember when I slept.

 

11/12/2037..10 A.M...Dr. Walter’s clinic…

We reached the clinic on time. Today Anika was supposed to attend the storytelling session. One of the nurse came and took Anika to one of the therapy room. I was feeling restless as I was not comfortable leaving her alone. I was desperately looking at the door of the room. I heard a familiar voice from behind. I turned and was greeted by Dr. Walter.

 

 

Dr. Walter: Hey Raj

Me: Hello Doc. How are you today?

Dr. Walter: Hopeful (He laughed)

Me (laughing along): I know what you did there.

Dr. Walter: That’s what I feel all the time. I can only guide and try. And Hope. Rest depends on the destiny.

Me: That’s how things work in my opinion. Though we lack people who can give us the required hope. And fortunately you are one such source.

Dr. Walter: I wanted to talk you about the role that you are going to play in Anika’s therapy. It’s very important for her and success of our therapy.

Me: Sure Doc. I have already prepared the list that you have asked for.

 

I briefed Dr. Walter about what all I did last evening. He was happy and encouraging.

 

Dr. Walter: Great. That’s why I was always confident about Anika’s case. I still remember Your first mail. I was impressed by the detailing and the background research you did. Bravo Man.

Me: Thanks Doc. I hope we will be able to turn things around.

Dr. Walter: Hope is a dangerous thing my friend. Hope can drive a man insane.

Me: True that.

Dr. Walter: Yeah.

 

He told me that I will have to be there all the time along with Anika. He believed that the chances of recovery increases with closeness of person leading the therapeutic sessions. I asked him about the drug part of therapy. He said that he has given the prescription to nurse and she will guide me accordingly. Based on what I was informed, I was able to deduce that the philosophy behind Dr. Walter’s procedure was to create an environment that can enable channelisation of positive energy by letting patients live a life they would enjoy and providing emotional, spiritual and mental comfort.

Somebody from staff guided me to the room where therapy was supposed to take place. The room was like a library but with more colors and positivity. It was something like book version of The chocolate factory. There were limited number of books and most of them were happy-go-lucky types. I was going through one such book and zeroed-in on it based on my understanding of Anika’s choice. Nurse escorted Anika to one of the couches. They have put some device on Anika’s skull. I queried and was told that they will be tracking her nervous system movements along with her pulses and heart rates to see how she is responding to the therapies. I was already impressed by the right mix of scientific and artistic approach associated with Dr. Walter’s therapy. I was asked to narrate one story to Anika while the nurse sat at distant. I sat near Anika. Held her hand. Looked into her eyes. Expecting a response. But like always she was just staring. Staring at blank. It has been my story since we met again. My expectations and her limitations. My hopes and her situations. My eagerness and her unintended rejections. It has been the case always actually. Contexts changed. Scenarios changed. We came close. We separated. We came close again. But only thing that eluded was I and Anika being on the same page. It was our destiny. It was our destination sometimes. Being on the different page yet on the same boat. Earlier, she accepted and I was fighting against. Now, she has been forced to accept and I have again chosen to fight. I smiled. I smiled at the irony. I smiled at the pain inflicted on us. I smiled looking at our lucks. I decided to begin with the story.

 

It was a story about a boy and a girl who fell in love with each other during college but after dating briefly the guy went away leaving the girl in confused state and oblivion. They met after 7 years: courtesy some common connection. The guy came to her place unannounced and after talking for a while proposed her to marriage. He explained why he left at that time. He told her that he chickened out as he was scared of commitment and was not sure about life’s direction. The girl didn’t reply. They bidded goodbye without both of them knowing what’s next. The guy didn’t has courage to call her or ask her anything. The girl had plans. Plans for both of them. One fine day, she became sure about it. She called the guy. She asked him “when are we getting married?”. The guy was shocked. Happily surprised. They met. The didn’t discuss what happened in past. The didn’t discuss what will happen in future. They were living the present. They talked about the next steps. They talked about their plan of having the perfect marriage. A new life for them. A new beginning for them. They forgot about their past. They didn’t want to talk about it. Or at least they pretended so. Because that was the only way to start something new. To start a new episode. A new life.

 

I was choking. This was what I expected when I and Anika separated. I always hoped that one fine day she will call me. We will meet. We will enjoy each other without being bothered about what happened. Or what can happen. The story sounded like my unfulfilled dream. I held myself. I controlled my emotions. I didn’t want to cry in front of her. Didn’t matter if she can’t feel or see me. Didn’t matter my tears were for her. Only thing that mattered was to get her alive and kicking. I was interrupted by Nurse. She realised that I am getting emotional. She asked me if I need water or something. I told her I am done and I will see her in a while. She asked me to come to Dr. Walter’s cabin directly.

 

Dr. Walter told me that he will monitor and share the results of tracker device after end of first week. Next few days passed like that. I narrated around a dozen of stories to her. Few therapies involved taking Anika to places such as art gallery, stage plays and dance performances by kids, bird sanctuary, etc. The week flew by very fast. I was informing Aprajit and Ahdia on a daily basis about all the progress and sessions. They both were also getting very hopeful. We all were just hoping that this works and we can have Anika back. Our Anika.   

 

She was responding well to the therapy as per me. She was now not dependant on medicines for sleep. Her appetite had increased. I also felt many a times that she is reacting. At least her eyes. During one of the sessions, I got very sure that Anika had moved her head.

 

Me: Nurse..Nurse…

Nurse: Yes Sir. How can I help You?

Me: Anika just tilted her head.

Nurse: Sir..You might have got some wrong signal.

Me: No Nurse..I am pretty sure…

Nurse: It is not possible Sir.

Me: But..but I saw it by myself. I am damn sure when I started narrating the story she was looking straight but in between she tilted.

Nurse: Sir..please calm down…

Me: Look her head is tilted now. you must remember how she was when you made her sit here.

Nurse: Sorry Sir but I don’t

Me: Don’t you people have cameras or something?

Nurse: No Sir. We don’t. As these sessions are very personal in nature.

Me: I am sure she moved her head.

Nurse: I will inform Dr. Walter about this. you please calm down. This may impact you and madam negatively.

Me: Yes. I am sorry. I overreacted maybe. Can I have a glass of water?

 

I realised that I can create panic or discomfort for Anika. I stopped arguing. But I was sure she moved her head. I was sure that Anika has responded. She responded to my poem. She had heard it before many a times. I was sure she felt deja-vu or something like that. The words reminded her of our past. Of my feelings for her. Of my love for her. The words that go like this:

 

“Socha nahi tha is tarah pyaar ho jayega..

Baaton hi baaton mein dil yun kho jayega...

Ek ajeeb sa anjana sa ehsaas hai..

Durr hai tu mujhse fir bhi lagta hai paas hai…

Khoya rahta hun har pal, har lamha tujhme hi..

Lagta hai jaise sama gayi hai tu mujhme hi…

Na jaane kyun aankh mein kuch nami si hai..

Paas hai sab kuch fir bhi kuch kami si hai…

Durr hoke tadpunga itna ye na ehsaas tha..

Pata toh jab chala jab tu na mere paas tha…

Teri baaton mein, teri yaadon mein khoya rahta hun..

Jagta hun zamane ke liye fir bhi soya rahta hun....

Khayalon mein bhi, khwaabon mein bhi tujhse baatein karta hun main..

Juda na kar de tujhse zamana, darta hun main…

Jo na hona tha woh ho gaya, dil na khona tha woh kho gaya..

Ek tere dil se awaaz aayi aur bas, pyaar ho gaya…”

 

22/12/2037..

Ten days has passed. Her results were slowly improving. The therapy seemed to work. She was not dependent on medications for sleep anymore. She was responsive. Sporadically though. Shazia also noticed the change in her. Dr. Walter and his staff was bullish. Dr. Walter decided to speed up the procedure. As per him, it was make or break time for her. This last phase of Anika’s treatment involved more medications and less therapies. Dr. Walter decided to continue with the storytelling session but asked his staff to stop all other sessions. Based on tests conducted, Dr. Walter noticed that level of Acetylcholine, chemical that helps to send messages between certain nerve cells and triggers worsening of symptoms in Alzheimer's patient if its level falls below a certain mark, has started to improve. He decided to increase the dose of Donepezil, the drug that helps in increasing the level of Acetylcholine. I was also told that there were certain side effects related to this drug but based on my discussions with Aprajit, Ahdia and my Doctor friend, I was ready to take that risk. Anika’s procedure started and reports were telling that it was working.

 

I was happy. Dr. Walter was hopeful. Aprajit and Ahdia were excited. They were eager to see Anika. Things were going fine. Her condition was improving. She was able to move her hands and make gestures. It was a different feeling altogether. I never had privilege to see a new born baby. Or see a baby crawling for the first time. Or see a baby speaking her first words. But what I was experiencing was marvellous. Magical to say the least. I felt as if she was re-borning. She used to gesture a lot. May be because the disease held her back for long. May be because she had been unmoved for years. May be because she felt that she is lively again. May be because she wanted to tell me something. Everyone at the clinic was making sure to contribute in the best way possible. It was heartening for them also. It was living proof of what they believed in. It was visible result of all the efforts that they were putting in for two decades with no or mix success. Everything seemed to fall in place. I was seeing happy faces all around. Things were rosy again. I was desperate to hear her say my name. But I was happy that now I could hold her hands and feel her responding with all her warmth. I wanted to see her smile. I was not sure why she was not smiling. I have asked Dr. Walter many times but everytime he just asked me to wait. I waited for so long. Two decades. But somehow I was becoming impatient. My perseverance started to fade away. I just wanted things to expedite. I just wished to be in her arms and talk endlessly.

 

29/12/2037..10 A.M...Dr. Walter’s clinic…

We were in the last leg of Anika’s treatment. I was waiting for Dr. Walter as he was supposed to share the results of few tests that would tell how Anika was actually fairing recovery per se. I saw Dr. Walter coming. He seemed nervous. My heart started pounding. 

 

Dr. Walter: Hello Mr. Nigam

Me: Hello Doctor. Everything OK?

Dr. Walter: Yes

Me: you seem to be tensed. Is it related to Anika’s report?

Dr. Walter: Hmm..yeah!!

Me: What happened Doc?

Dr. Walter: Raj..I think we misjudged her recovery speed. 

Me: The medications are not working?

Dr. Walter: They are but..

Me: But what Doc?

Dr. Walter: The side effects seem to have taken a toll on her body.

Me: As in?

Dr. Walter: She has developed a tumor in her stomach which may be malignant.

 

I almost fell. I was not able to make out why was it happening. Why was it happening again to her? She has suffered enough. I sat down on the chair. I got hold of my emotions. My throat was choking. But I gathered my courage to talk to Doctor.

Me: Now what Sir?

Dr. Walter: We need to operate. And wait.

Me: Wait for what Doctor?

Dr. Walter: Another miracle Raj.

 

Dr. Walter seemed perturbed. He used to be very calm and composed generally. 

Such a cold reaction from him aggravated my fear. I wanted answers. I wanted him to tell me what needs to be done. My life rolled back some 27 years back when I faced the same situation.

 

April, 2010..Doctor’s chamber..somewhere in India…

I was in hospital to get my mother operated for Kidney stone which was 15 years old. Her sonography reports were due and I, with my dad, was asked to see Doctor in private. 

 

Dad: What happened doctor? When can we get her operated?

Doctor: I just got the results of sonography.

Dad: What does the report say?

Doctor: The stone has blocked the urinary tract and chances are high that the blockage has caused infection that might have affected her liver, UT and Kidney.

Me: Then? What needs to be done?

Doctor: The risk is that the infection is not normal but cancerous in nature.

 

It was too shocking for us to hear. We were not even in our dreams prepared for such news. My dad , who was suffering from hypotension, was baffled. He nauseated. I held him and escorted him to the gallery. I asked my uncle to take care of him and rushed back to Doctor’s chamber.

 

Me: What are the chances?

Doctor: 50% chances that she is suffering from cancer. In that case, chances of survival are as less as 5% as operation would trigger the flow of cancer cells along the body. you can do the maths.

I could have done the maths. But it was not about the maths. It was about being strong and making the decision. Everything happened instantly. We had very little time to decide between two choices: 1) Getting her operated knowing that if it’s cancer then she will not survive for long 2) Maintaining the status quo and letting her go through the pain and waiting for her body to give up eventually. I chose the first one. I had this hope that God can’t be that cruel. God can’t give her, of all the people, cancer. I informed everyone about her condition and also about my decision to go with operation. People had their doubts but my dad was with me and I was too stubborn to listen to people. Eventually, operation happened and my hope won as the tumor was non-malignant. My mother won her fight against the disease that has troubled her for last 15 years. It all ended well. At least for then.

 

I was in the same scenario again. I wanted Dr. Walter to continue with medication and eventually get her operated for tumor. Dr. Walter also preferred this option. But it was out of hope. My hope. Dr. Walter’s hope. I shared my thoughts with Dr. Walter and decided to let Aprajit know about the scenario. I was scared to tell him this. My mind was blaming me for this. She was living her life. In silo. She was just moving through days but at least was not at risk of cancer. Deja Vu. We were in the same stage when we met. She was burdened but has accepted her fate. She was emotionally empty but was moving through her life. I came. I made her fall in love with me. I tried to make her live again. But that complicated things for her. She had two options: To come with me or to go back. She chose second one. She went back. To wilderness. To place where she never belonged. To life that she didn’t deserve. Deja Vu. We were in same scenario again. I came back in her life. I gave her hope. I tried to pull her out of misery. But I am failing again. I have again complicated her life. She again have two options: To fight for redemption or to accept and give up. The catch was this time it was not her decision to be made. It was to us to make the choice. I decided to call Aprajit and tell him. I told Aprajit everything and asked him to fly to US along with Ahdia and my doctor friend. I also told him to keep calm and do not take any decision in haste.

 

30/12/2037..11.30 A.M..our apartment in Forest Hills…

Anika was sleeping in her room. I, Ahdia and Aprajit were sitting in the living room. There was this awkward silent. Everyone knows what to talk. But no one was brave enough to start the conversation. Aprajit decided to take the lead.

Aprajit: Uncle..what should we do?

Raj: Aprajit, I think you should take the call. Whatever you decide, I will support You.

Aprajit: Ahdia told me about your mother’s incident. I think you did right. 

Raj: In hindsight, I did right maybe. But it was difficult when I took that decision. It can go either way.

Aprajit: Uncle..I can’t see Mom suffer like that anymore.

Raj: Hmm...

 

We didn’t discuss much. I and Ahdia decided to not influence Aprajit. It should be his call. And it was.

 

I was not in peace with whatever was going on. I was blaming myself for this. I thought that it was me who was proving to be the trigger of bad days for Ahdia. I was not able to get answer to one question that was bothering me since long: “Why it always happen to woman who loves me: First my mom..then Anika and then again Anika?”. I was very sure that my presence is responsible for all the miseries that are going in Anika’s life. She always used to say that what we are doing is wrong and we will suffer. I never believed her. I always used to say that we are not doing anything wrong. Love is not wrong. Doing something that gives us happiness is wrong. There was always this conflict of ideologies between I and Anika. I never agreed. She never gave up. But now I was in two minds. I was not so sure about my ideology. I have started believing in Anika’s definition of right and wrong. I decided to go away. Go away from Anika. Go away once again. I knew I had to do that in silence. Aprajit and Ahdia would have differed. They would have stopped me. They would have influenced me and changed my mind. I didn’t want that. Tomorrow was her operation. I wanted to leave before that. I wanted to leave and never come back. I left the house. Aprajit and Ahdia were sleeping. I dropped a message to Ahdia asking her to take care of things and support Aprajit. I told her that I would come back once they are back to India. I told her not to be bothered about me. She knew me. She knew my love well. She knew no one can stop me from doing what I decided. More so if it was something related to Anika. I trusted her to behave accordingly. I trusted Aprajit. I knew he would take good care of Anika. I trusted my luck. I knew it was me who was bringing troubles for Anika. I was not sure where I was going. I just wanted to be away from Anika and Aprajit and Ahdia.

 

31/12/2037..10 A.M..Shri Shirdi Saibaba Temple - Flushing, New York…

 

Anika was an ardent devotee of Saibaba. I was an atheist to the core. But Anika was out-to-out religious. She used to pray daily. She used to pray to all the gods. But Sai baba was always her favorite. Her trust in religion and God was one of the pillars that held her together amid all the pains and sufferings. Pain can make one change ideologies and beliefs. The same was happening to me. When I left I was not sure where would I go but somehow I felt this need to visit a temple. I decided to spend rest of the day visiting temples, mosques, churches and begging different Gods to grant me what I wished for Anika.

 

I never quit on Anika before. I was always hopeful. I always used to believe that someday some miracle will happen and Anika will become part of my life. I was, in a way, angry with Anika when she gave up on us. I wrote these lines though never shared with her:

 

“The issue with us is that we don’t need people in our life but we need definitions. We keep on trying to fit people in our definitions in the name of relationship and when the effort fails we call it a quit. Instead of being with one who tried to fit in our definition, we leave the person and stick to our definition in look-out for so called perfection.”

 

Each line blamed Anika for giving up on our relationship. But this was just one side of story. I was able to understood the both side after I went through all the pain and misery. Quitting on Anika was never an option before. But I did quit. Not because I was coward but because I loved her. Because I cared for her. Because my belief in power of love was triumphed by my fear of being unlucky for Anika. It was deja-vu for me. It was similar to what Anika used to tell me.

 

Anika: Raj..You need to move on…

Raj: Why? I don’t want to. 

Anika: But I want you to.

Raj: Say directly na that now you are finding it difficult to continue. Till things were all rosy, we were together and now that there are issues you want us to separate.

Anika: That’s Your point of view.

Raj: That’s the truth.

Anika: I have told you this earlier and telling you again. I love You. I care for You. Your life has been bad since I came. Your GMAT got screwed up. Your MBA plans got delayed. I am unlucky for you Raj. And I don’t want you to suffer more for my selfish reasons.

Raj: Whatever you said is not making sense to me. I am doing good in my career. I got a good GMAT score. MBA will happen. you have made me a better person. So don’t give me this bullshit.

Anika: What bullshit?

Raj: Whatever you said..unlucky and all...You just want me to go away and that’s it…

Anika: Raj..I need you like you need me. Who will want to let go someone who cares and pampers so much. But I can’t keep on doing that. you should move on and get married and settled.

Raj: It’s my life. I should be the one taking that call. 

Anika: OK

 

31/12/2037..11 P.M..Brooklyn Bridge...

 

Anika’s surgery was scheduled to happen at around 2.00 P.M. I was just hoping that everything went fine. It was the D-Day for her. For me. For Aprajit. For Ahdia. I tried to switch-on my cell many a times. I knew Ahdia and Aprajit would have tried zillion of times to reach out to me. To inform me about what happened. To let me know what life decided. But I was too scared. Too scared to face the truth. Too scared to accept a further failure. I was in this scenario for the first time in my life. I had seen many ups and downs. But I was always strong. Ready to face any situation with hope to survive. With hope for a better morning. With hope that things will go upwards from here. But at that moment I was all broken. Hopeless. In Despair. I had lost all power to fight back. I was on brink of collapsing. It was ironic to say the least. People associate The Big Apple (another name for New York) with romance and I lost my belief in the power of love in this city. I was fascinated especially by Brooklyn bridge. I saw the bridge first time in movie “kabhi Alvida na kahna” and always wanted to come here with Anika. I wanted to celebrate New Year eve with Anika walking across the bridge. Enjoying the snow. The fireworks. I wanted to hang a padlock onto the bridge to represent our eternal love. I bought a lock the day we reached New York with the hope that Anika would be fine by the New year and we would be living my dreams. But that was not what destiny wanted. 

 

I sat down on one of the benches. There were many couples. Indulged in love. Walking across the bridge. I started looking around me. Few were hugging and kissing. Few people were waiting for their loved ones to arrive. Like me. No not like me. I was not waiting. It was like two worlds at Brooklyn bridge. In one world, love was getting endured. In other, loneliness was all that was looming. The other world was my world. I smiled. Not out of happiness but because I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even realized when that smile turned into tears and I burst out crying. My voice was shadowed by the sound of firecrackers. It was 11.45 P.M. . Lights went off. I felt at peace for the time being. It was gloomy all the way: inside my soul and outside my sight. Though the surrounding was just getting prepared for a new day. A new year. A new beginning. Filled with joy. Filled with lights. Filled with romance. Nothing was going to change for me. 

 

It was another rock bottom in my life. And this time I didn’t want to go up. I didn’t want to get back at life. I didn’t want to start afresh. I didn’t want a new beginning. I was finding death to be the best option. Another story that made Brooklyn bridge popular was man, Professor Robert Emmet Odlum, jumping off the bridge to prove that jumping off the building during fire can save life. His story resonated. I was also trying to save Anika’s life by going away. “Why not go away completely?”, “Why not leave this world?”, “Why not die and end all the pains and miseries: for myself, for Anika, for Ahdia?”: I asked myself. Ahdia had been a silent victim all along. She was there to support all my decisions. My craziness for Anika. My stupidities. She was still suffering. I left her because I believed that it would be good for Anika. But what about Ahdia? I never really cared. I was blind in my love for Anika. I always subdued her presence. Her efforts. Her love and care. I was sure that she would be a happier person too once I leave her.

 

01/01/2038..00.00 A.M..Brooklyn Bridge…

 

I reached the exact spot from where Professor Odlum jumped to death. I searched for the lock that I had bought. It was lying there in my left pocket. Ready to get hung. Ready to be the sign of Anika’s and Raj’s eternal love story. But that was what it dreamt. Like me it’s destiny was different. It was what life bestowed. I decided to throw it away in the river. Before leaving the world, I wanted to end everything that was associated to I and Anika. I brought with me my laptop which contained our photos, our chats, our mail exchanges and other things. I brought the briefcase that was pandora of our memories. I brought the lock that was supposed to be the sign of “my dreams come true” moment of our relationship. I wanted to throw everything before I jump to where I belong. I definitely didn’t belong to this world. That’s why I suffered. That’s why I failed in all the relationships that I had. That’s why I lived alone. AND THAT’S WHY I AM DYING ALONE.

 

I stretched my hand to throw the lock. I heard a voice. A familiar one. I was hearing that voice after almost 2 decades. The voice that sounded like someone was angry but that someone was just concerned. Love behind Anger. Care behind concern.

 

“Why are you polluting the river?”

 

I turned back in shock. It was impossible for me to believe what I was seeing. 

Yes. That was Anika’s voice.

Yes. Anika was there. My Anika. The same Anika for whom I waited for so many years. The same Anika for whom I wanted to end my life so that my misfortunes didn’t impact her. The same Anika with whom I wanted to celebrate the New Year Eve at Brooklyn Bridge. The same Anika was there in reality. And not in one my those hallucinations. Not in one of those imaginative worlds of mine. In REALITY she was there. I just forgot everything. I just ran toward her. I forgot that a moment ago I was going to commit suicide. I forgot that Aprajit and Ahdia were also there. I forgot that Anika was facing a life threatening battle a day before. I forgot everything. I just remembered Anika. Anika and I. Anika, I and our love story.

 

There she was with her arm stretched. Very unnatural of her. But who cared. I just went to her and we hugged. We forgot what is around. We forgot we are meeting after 20 years or so. We forgot all the pains and miseries. We were lost. Lost in love. Lost in the world that we both always wanted. Lost in dreams that became a reality. There was no Raj. There was no Anika. There was just Us. Indulged in love. Indulged in each other. Our soul met long back. It was just that life completed full circle. We kissed. We kissed like no one watching. We kissed like we were meant to kiss. We were together now. We didn’t care about right and wrong anymore. We had reached the field that was beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing. We had met. We had met for not separating ever again. And yes my belief in the power of love had been restored again.

Miracle does happen.

Everything is indeed fair in love and war.