Happy Birthday my Princess

Happy Birthday my little princess

Eighteen Years old. What a journey you did!

For four years, I have not been able to celebrate your birthday with you... I have not been to kiss you and hug you.

My Little Princess, it is with a bleeding heart that I am writing to you today.

You are my daughter, my child, my flesh, it's blood that flows in you, it's my DNA that shapes both your spirit and your physical appearance. Of course, you are not 100% me, you are the result at of this sweet mix between your mother and father, but who cares, the love I bear you is unconditional and inalienable.

No, my Little Princess, if I write to you today it is to tell you how much I love you and how proud I am of you, of the young girl. You have become. I am observing you from afar... From afar, despite the geographical distance, from afar, meaning "outside" your life, as a mere spectator. It pains me, of course, but that is how life unfolds. 

You must know my dear that day, 18 years ago now, yes that day, was one of the most beautiful days of my short life. You can't imagine yet. Of course, I wish you with all my heart in the future, far away! What a joy it is to become a parent. At this moment, you know that everything is going to change, you know that you are going to have to be even better, and know above all that you are going to have to be even better, and you know above all that will not be able to fail in the task that now falls you - a child is for life- to protect and love you child. A trivial expression, your flesh and blood

You see my dear, with hindsight, I know, I can now confess you. I failed in my task and my duty.

You know, my dear, you have seen how this desire for possession has eaten away at my life and rotten yours. Wanting you to enjoy the best, I took away from you all these years the essential, the presence of a father. I'm angry that I didn't realize this before I cracked, I'm angry that my fellow climbers didn't support me more. This past, my dear, neither you nor I can change it. It is now part of our lives, if it was painful, we have to find the path of peace to bury it, without any ulterior motive, to say to ourselves that we all tried, we were wrong, or simply we failed. But so have made a mistake? Is it a flaw to not want to act like everyone else? Is it a defect not to want to sacrifice your happiness on the altar of what people will say?

I could apologise for all that, but what would be the point, what would change? Would you like me more, again, would you trust me again? I don't have the answer.

I'm not praising my suffering or passing as a victim - leave those ideas to others - I'm not making excuses, I'm telling the facts, as they are, as they were - you could be surprised to see the words of some facilitators of my fall. Strange, isn't it that some people take the time to follow me on social networks, or to write me. So all this often raises a question.

In short, all this to tell you that my past choices are gone. We have to move on now, grow from our mistakes, try to find another way. I'm happy with mine now, because all this pain has allowed a bit of magic to finally blossom in my still imperfect life.

You have gradually become my Achilles heel. This pain that you can't exorcise, the one inside you, that lacerates you. It is quite possible that I am yours too.

I also know my Little Princess, that time heals many wounds, I also know that there is a time when truths muse come out... I know that no matter what the sentence is I have accepted it for a long time, I can only tell you that I am extremely proud to see the path of life that you are taking, that I would, you like to be shouldered when you feel like crying or laughing, that I would like to so many Things...basically just from time to time being able to smell you, hug you, kiss you. Sometimes I have flesh and I feel you holding my hand, or scratching my beard... And I hear you say: "Daddy again "... Like when I stopped scratching your hair, your skin ... remember?

That time was good, it will be good again, while you have managed to forgive me, take the time you need my darling, I am here, I am waiting for you... Like a prisoner I am living sentence, seeking redemption and resilience. I will always be there for you, in a day, in a month, in a year.

One last word my dear, the righteous people who came out of the death camps said this: "Forgiveness is life" or in others words not forgiving death... gnawing as the mind, dwelling on the bad things ... If they who lived through the atrocity, the worst abomination of which man is capable, we can do it I believe my dear. Don't you think so?.  

Your dad, who loves you!

Happy birthday, my darling, I wish you all the world.