Guilty Or Punished

“There is nothing you can do that will make me love you less. I must have failed to show you my affection which led you to look for it somewhere else. It happened and now it’s over,” my husband kissed my forehead, “now give me a smile and get ready for dinner. We are going out”.

I wept silently while dressing up. Had he cheated on me I would have cried uncontrollably, cursed, thrown things and shown how angry I was in every possible way. That was the reaction I expected when I decided to end my affair and confess. I wasn’t ready for a dinner date.

I had betrayed his trust and he had known about it since it started. All he did was, taking care of kids and our household when I lied to him about late night meetings or business trips.

I am angry on him for being such a saint. I am angry on myself for having an affair. I had no intention of walking out of my marriage with this guy. I did it purely for fun and now I hate myself for it. Each time I look into my husband’s eyes and see immense love I hate myself even more. Finally I decide I cannot live in guilt.

Therefore, I came back from office today at 11:00 am. I know kids are in school and husband in office. I am alone for next three hours. For the last time I clean my house, fix a little something for my family to eat and I am ready to die. I open the cupboard to take the pills. I am sure overdose will act as poison.

“He forgot his pocket diary today” I smile.

I have never read this diary. He says he writes his goals in it. Curiosity commands my mind and I opened it. There are his fitness goals, professional goals and family goals on the last page.

“I know she cheated. But I cannot ruin my family for one mistake so I have to forgive. Each day when she will regret I will love her more. Her guilt will be my revenge for betrayal. And one fine day, we will get over it together. It might take time but it will be worth it.”

So, he is not a saint, his idea of punishing is different. I will go through all the guilt he wants me to and work with him to get over it, I promise to myself.